My dreams chase me
They chase me as if I've stolen something from them they they need back desperately
And I run because I'm following a fear
The fear that if they catch me they'll consume me whole
And then there'll be nothing left of me to chase
And my fear will get so far away from me that I no longer see it anymore
So I'm forever moving in a limbo between running away and chasing after at the same pace
And slowly getting absolutely nowhere

Wednesdays are cool with a subdued energy
Just me sitting in silent disparity
In between white walls with a claustrophobic  persistence
No one and nothing understands this existence...

oh to sleep and retire from myself
to have my legs and and arms drift through the folds of my sheets
yet even if they wonder
I will follow in between
and form pictures that try to explain what my eyes have seen
and carried in my skull and buried underneath
escape is to wake and control what can creep
and leak into my sight and seep  from the deep
in the daytime my secretes are trinkets for me to keep
that at night I surrender to  the helplessness of sleep

I'm at my best
In front of the rest
But without all the zest
Inside my chest
They couldn't care less
I'm just a mess
If I must confess
That I am just flesh
Under my dress
And I'm not okay

Once the sun rays hit my heart
And the heat burnt the flesh of my valves
I could never stand the nighttime again
And I would lie awake and wait for the break of dawn

Maybe I should've asked more
Maybe I should think less
Maybe I should forget the smell of Vasace on your silk dress
Maybe I hid my heart but you saw the veins right through my vest
You're the type seek delight in man so weak he'd offered his chest
My weakest cursed, I saw you first, and at that sight my sanity left
I've seen your sin but to feel you skin, I ignored the rest

You said let's not make it personal
And immediately after your bank into me and became a part of my arsenal
To make sure that when you didn't call back it would make me miserable

I'm afraid to do anything with my dad
Even if I want to speak to him
Because I'm scared they just went I start enjoying spending time with him
He's gonna to start to talk over me and make me feel like him inviting me to do something with him was just a cover up for him wanting to impose his thoughts on another person and hear his own voice. I feel like it didn't even matter which was sitting there listening to him because it was about him the entire time. I love my dad, but I wish he heard me sometimes

Disliked
And Unwanted
I Stood There
Heart Dripping In My Hand
Loving Myself

My soul understands my brain
And when the world collectively declines from understanding my ways
My brain will understand my soul all the same

I'm not close to it
So I have no right to speak
My sympathy can reach out as far as its arms can
But its no my problem so it has no place to stand
I can keep my nose safely out
And no one will be mad because its not my bout
My day still looks the same
While yours has shifted into an different domain
And though I feel what you are going through
It will never mean the same thing to me as it does to you

Life is a maze
If not just a time and a place
For rising or crawling or falling from grace
So try your hardest not to make it a race
Because everyone falls at their own pace

Dont offer me all your  love
Because I will let if fill my gut
I will let me chew you up
And I will never have enough
Until I spit it up
I'm a parasite
But you know it, right?
You let me take a bit
And take a bite
Like a common mite
So dont offer me your love
If you can't give it up
If you can't fill me up
Don't offer me your love

I shut off my PC to enjoy a pause
And take a sweet sip of reality
And then I realised that my robot parts were defective
Well, uhm, I guess
When you look at the greater speck of things
That nobody's perfect
So I carry around a load of metal in my chest
No one ever died of being the odd one out
Well, uhm, I guess I could get a rust inferction and die of lock jaw
But we're all going to die someday
And the cause is never as important as the event
I'm just a half person while the rest of you are walking around with all the right ****
So what?
I'll just carry on walking around with all this kinetic energy
Looking for a decent outlet for all my love

I saw a glimpse of peace today
A ripple in time
A moment a deity let slip from its eyes
When a second had passed
The moment was lost
But I'll alway remember that glimpse of the sky

Torched my soul to cure the bleeding
Ate myself whole to stop the feeling
Burnt to a crisp, I stumble and fidget
The man at the back of me step forward and whispered
That it hurts when it hurts, there's no peace when healing

Do you water the flowers who grow in your garden?
Do you share in their joy once their growth has started?
Will they be wilting, or will they bloom?
Are you their savior or will you be their doom?

I look for meaning
I write it down
I make it rhyme with different sounds
Then I share it
Like I'm doing now
This little bit of honesty
I think I found

Writing for the sake of pen and paper
Driven by the a page break or two
I'll beat these margins until they're ******
Purple, red, and blue
Sticky bulges of ink oozing and raw
And by the  wake of my next page
I would have hungered for more
Chasing full stops is a daily pleasure
If emptying ink, its only just so a page can be filled
But to fill this page, there wouldn't be enough paper in the world
What is the point of all my scribbles
If only just to package up tiny  pieces of reality
Points of view crawling like baby turtles
Fashioned into pieces of paper that will eventually die before reaching the sea

All of our flowers are matching
Where graceful mistakes don't happen
Swirl in the dresses we're wrapped in
Why aren't all the pretty girls happy?

I have found you
But you were better in my dreams
Now real life seems boring
And I want to go to sleep

Promise that you're not searching anymore
Hurting anymore
Out trying to find more
Like the time before
You were mine

The ideas turned to war because war gave them life
The war was a war because both sides were right
They fought for their honor and argued for pride
But pride turned to molehills because both sides had died

Can you just leave me to cry
And not ask me to explain myself?
Let my tear travel down my cheek
Don't corrupt her journey
She is carrying more weight than you could ever hold
So let her do her job
And don't try to be our hero

I used to be able to close my eyes
for longer than a blink
but paranioa has a funny way of shortening the intervals between open and close
blood shot eyes is my new self portarit
only enemies and maskaraders can be seen through these windows
that lead to a fast beating heart
that is aggressively racing to its final destination

Everything worth it
Aches beneath its surface
And in between hurting
We seem glimpses of perfect
Just enough to believe we deserve it

Here's my head
And here's my heart
Here they are in separate parts
Head on a neck
And the body is gone
Bed is a wreck
But the night is still long
Morning comes
But the hours are wrong
Living in me
But I'm apart
Two sides of me that'll never get along
Forced into a body  where they don't belong
But there's my head
And there's my heart
There's they are in separate parts

Quality silence
Hearing the jerking and workings of the world
With enough peeps funneling through for the room to be filled
Yet over and under our talking occurs
And we converse for hours without saying a word

Does anyone know what it's like
To gaze upon sight
That doesn't exist,
And fear that when you wake up
You would have lost yourself
If your gazing persists?

In stillness, I read a few lines per second
to sweet relief and wisdom beckon
it's the painful habit of the poet I reckon
to let out a breath at the end of each session

It takes time to feel
What has not yet healed
I felt and kneel
And wavered a shield
And paited skys teel
Like a flickering film real
It shook me like an electric eel
My eyes forever seal
Because this moment can't be real

I'm not brilliant
I'm just OK
I'm not rainbows
I'm just rain

I woke up in pain
With sleep on my brain
In puddles of sweat
And muscles so strained
Sprouled out on springs
Like a pokey syringe
And pillow so flat
I had pain in my dreams
Put my hand on my chest
And tried my best
To feel the air all around me
And get some rest

I carried my own body across the finish line
And there I sank to the ground knowing that my knees have earned the rest I give them now...

Lets share some beers
To cut the tears
And leave the day behind us

In the morning we'll chat
About the riff and the raff
But for get beer inside us

I think my soul hates me
I think my soul loves you
And it rips my insides to streads for keeping you two apart

Why you choose to welcome it into your home
broken and wilted and hard as a stone
there'll be a place for you next to the throne
because you believed that your life's not your own
One day when we all drifted away
off to find love in a whole other place
You'll be welcomed through mercy and grace
into His home where He prepared your place
because when He knocked you opened your gates...

Worldly pleasures and passions aside
Riddled with want and mangled desire
Nothing on the earth compares to to the fire
Of reaching and scratching a demanding hive

And if I...
I do not run
My season for love
Will come and go
Like the winds and the snow
Away in the night
Can love be alright
Without a chest
To call home?
But If I let it inside
Offer a safe place to hide
Like the clouds hold the rain
Like a candle does a flame
Will it die in my skin
That has coldness beneath
Can love build a home
In a chest made of stone?

I am a victim of my own design
creating tragedies in my own mind

I was afraid to touch the glass
It would undoubtably have left a mark
One that had the power and girth
To ruin the life I've built on Earth
If I forgave myself for peeking inside
Would my heart have survived the violent desire
Or the pain that my want would have birthed
I would have to learn to forgive myself
But would God have forgiven me first

She is turning
Some parts face the sun and burn raw
While others rest in shade until its their turn to be to peel away
She is slowing turning into the person she was meant to be
And feeling each phase of the process
Through pain
Through stretching
Through breaking
Throw cracking
She is turning
And thats all that matters...

I think of her often
This beautiful force
I followed her into my head one night
And got lost

It started like an ending
And began as it finished
Even found its all missing
Running fast as it walks slow
Becoming bigger as it was growing smaller
As absent the present mind
While it was becoming something, it was nothing
Broken fixed things
Opened already closed eyes
Melted ice solid in the cold of the warmest air
That was the truth of the lies
And as dead as it was alive

Why do poets write in silence?
And garner words below their eyelids,
In gutters of depths that are never quite clear,
Or rifles with full magazines in their holsters?
Are they deserving of a life so riddled,
And caramelized in rhyme and rhythm?
To charm the tales of tempests and oceans,
Cursed with the gift of describing its emotion.
That plagues the shores of their lonely islands
With no other option but to write in silence.

You silly girl
Stretching out of your habitat to seek ways to get hurt
Lending your heart out like pieces of furniture
For other peoples comfort
You use your lips like billboards
Directing everyone to your inner most parts
That you avail like parking spaces for them to stand until it's time for them to go home

I want you to be careless with your love
And breathe so deep it stings your lungs
Don't treat what we had as a flavor you should savor
Go out and make me angry with your behavior
Dance unrestrained to the songs that I hate
Disappear with the sunset and stay out late
And be unapologetic about the things you do
Because I've been doing all these things since I left you

i sold out
i'm sold out
i filled the auditorium
because i advertised what they wanted to see
but i'll rather cut myself on mirror glass than look at me
i show you you
because you like you
i like that you like what you see
but it's not me
my smile is known
because it's already been shown
i'll rather cut myself on your teeth that smile with my own
you like my fashion
because i'm wearing your skin
its neat and clean
but it's too tight for me to fit in
i look like all your reflections
but watered down versions
plastered up images that show year round
nothing new
its just you
but its image filled room
i wonder how much people would still remain
if they knew they were looking at me
dressed in your face

I wish my days would end in peace
Not in a rummaging of details I picked up along my way out and back into bed
And the silence was a ferry to sleep
Not an open sea raging again in against the shores of my head

My heart is a messy place
I don't clean up often
My emotions lay about like worn jeans and pile up at every corner
Murky tears that were long bemoaned
Lay inside my pillowcases long after they have dried
And make heavy a light thing where my thoughts reside
Shadowy folks have  unmade beds  
Though long beparted
And declared dead
Many things that was once fresh
Have now grown brown reached their Autumn
They still roam the halls and vents
Like after tastes of mint long after the in scents have burnt
Every possible surface is stained with faces
Shelves are stacked and layered and stuffed
And though I rummage for space
There is never enough
Not for an ant
Or a hand
Or a new thing
Just room enough for me
And this big old mess of memories