I catch glimpses and pieces of a story I need to be a part of
A word or an image will hit
a particular spot in my heart
and strangely resound
Ideas skip through my head that suddenly click.
I come alive
I bolt upright
"Yes!"
but then it is gone.  Upon closer examination,
nothing was there.
I don't even know what brought me to this train of thought in the first place.
A second ago it felt very important.

I shake myself off and try to fall back asleep.

I am driving back home
my motions automatic
against my will
returning dutifully
to face my life again.

I am doing the right thing, the good thing, the necessary thing.
The obvious, singular choice.

My thoughts of flight are absurd and cowardly, a fantasy created
because my energy is dying,
as is my passion
and even my
love.

...love.
how?? why?? could I let my love grow so stale

In my arrogance I equate flying into the unknown darkness
of lonely back roads
with idealism
denying that my fantasy is born of
pure selfishness.

I am an idle watchman, a soldier idly contemplating desertion before even reaching real conflict.

I am still on the right route, turning stiffly left
now facing fully towards home.
Doing all the right things
on autopilot and
cursing
every
second.

Roses are dead
Violets are dying
You tell me that I’m barely trying
I’m crying I’m dying
I’m foolishly using the time I’m buying
To tell you I’m fine
That I’m okay
That no, I don’t want to die today
But I’m lying
Well not completely lying
It’s not that I want to die but more
I don’t want to be alive
Alright?
So see I really am trying
But trying so hard if inside you’re dying
Like the violets and the roses
You’re so done
With the violence and the rope says
He can help you out of here
You’ll take the chance he can take you anywhere
Where the people are all ok and the parents start to care
But the rope is wrong
His promises give a scare
As you realize he’s leading you up some grand white stairs
To a gate  
And you think you’ve finally met your fate
And then a small thought creeps inside your head
You wonder if you’re really left of better dead
And you think of your life and all the little pretty things that made you feel you were the King of Kings
The happiness that life sometimes brings
Between the stings
The times when you feel like there’s hope to find
You’ll start to find
The glowing gates aren’t really looking all that kind
And you’ll close your eyes
And you’ll realize that you should give life one last try
To do you right
And you’ll walk back down those stairs and return to life

And years from now when you think back to this dark night
You’ll smile and be thankful that you walk away
From the gates that day
You made your life worth living and love everyday

So don’t go up the stairs just yet
Please just give it one more shot
Give all you’ve got
You’ve got to see the love that you’ve always sought

There's a reason why I'm doing this
Somewhere, somehow
I set off with a passion and a purpose
That seems so long ago.
I decided it was worth it, not to wither into a selfish nothing
To surge on, keep on grappling
but I've almost had enough
and I'm
just
so
tired
.
When will I find the spark again?
I have some faith that
an ember of the passion I lost
still exists
somewhere between my lungs and beneath my ribs
Can my faith be ever enough?
May I find out.

Now I take the long way home most nights
a few extra minutes for back roads and quiet
the first turn faces me directly away from home
and in the darkness I cruise straight down a beautiful road to nowhere
off
and
away
and I am a free, flying runaway
for only a minute
before dutifully turning left.
at that intersection
my eyes always linger straight ahead, on my road to nowhere and anywhere
I could stay on this path and not look back
leaving everything
to be alone

But already I have involuntarily pulled into the turn lane.
My blinker is on, and so there is no way out of it.
I will go back home like I should.  
What
was I thinking?
My home is nice.  My life is good.  
There
is nothing
to run away from.
but maybe...
is there something is worth running to?