Almost a year gone by
A lifetime good and long
Lived till tired
But oh
Too short
I miss you so
Old friend
You sat with me
In darkness
And in joy
What I wouldn't do
To see you again
I put your ashes
Today
In with the rose
I got for you
I don't care
If talking to it
Makes me crazy
I hope you can
Hear me
I won't say
Goodbye
Instead
I hope we meet again
Friend

I feel relaxed
I can breathe
Every cell in my body has stopped being
agitated
afraid
in a constant state of
hope
fear
loss
I feel calm
I don't know if I have
ever
felt this calm
Nothing matters now
because every single thing
that ever can be
is okay
It's beautiful
It's glorious
I want to get used to this feeling

The joining
of your soul to mine
You feel it
My heartbeat
Through your lips
My breath
Swirls
Like painting light
Across your body
Fingertips
Tracing bliss
Of knowing
You are mine
Of mixing
Blessing
With desire
Of sacred acts
Older than memory
Of feeling
Your soul
Blend and curl
Under your skin
Letting me in
Meet me
In the place
we both know
is Home
Where I
Belong to you
With names
I cannot remember
My aching heart
Longs to surrender
To everything
Without fear
Meet me here

Am I supposed to
Beg you to be happy
in a cage

It feels like we
always have to be
this soup of love
trust
contentment
lust
fear and shame

It makes me tired
I would rather be tired than be without
That thought puts steel in my back
calm in my heart
Anything is better than
nothing
Fear of loss is better than loss itself

But I would like a day
a week
a month
a year without fear
But then that's not life

Life
I am grateful for you
Even when you chase me down
like a hare before hounds
Even when no tree is dense enough
No place safe
quiet enough

At least I am breathing
It has to be enough

My mind is a sea
of what ifs
and never agains
I want to scream
and scream
and scream
But I am afraid
that if I start...
... let it out...
I will never stop

Was it worth my life
Those few moments of pure real happiness
Yes
But the reason there was a risk
Seems so stupid to me
Why couldn't you just have
Used your imagination
But you couldn't
And so it is
So it was
Worth it
But I wish it had been different
I wish so much
I want a long and
Healthy life
Full of moments of pure
Happiness
With you
But I am scared now

You are both the candle

burning in the back of my mind

gently illuminating my every thought

your soft glow always guiding me home

and the roaring bonfire

whose heat and light

are a beacon for miles around

drawing me irrevocably to you

your pulse and energy

burn with a primal force

that makes my blood sing

and flames me to life