Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I like having an organized room and arrive 15 minutes early to everything because it's the only thing I can control in my life?  I can't control falling in love.  I can't control you when you leave.  I can't control the malignant thoughts that spur up once I'm alone.  I can't control myself when I text you asking if you miss me even a little bit and I can't control crying myself to sleep when you don't text back.  I can't control these things and it scares me so I take it out on everything else.

I know it's hard to say yes
to the fists and clamps
of pain
to reconcile with the
fact that like the thread
you must go through
the small sliver of
needle relief
simply because
you still are not
the person you are

And you'll hit and miss
so many times
in innumerable ways
until that small,bright
area becomes your
own.

From fables to fairy tales,
To folk tales,
To my heart,
I thought wishes come true.

But when I think of you,
My wishes become a curse.

Most of the time,
I just feel useless
I feel like a waste of space

I’m not good enough
I’m never going to be enough
I’m too depressed to even get good grades
I have lost every friend I have managed to make

I’m a wreck
I can’t take care of myself
All I want to do is fall asleep and never wake up

I apologize for my own peace of mind
And you don't even mind
You spit words that burn
Shouting my name, cursing in vain
I'm not even getting a turn.

If I could turn around and take it all back
I would run as fast as I could
away from everything
and into the black.

I apologize because I know you can't
You can't own up to what you did
All the scars and ripped up t-shirts
Here I am screaming,
I'm just a kid.

I apologize because it hurts inside
When everything you say turns into lies.
You like the colour red, I remember you telling me that.
I'm like the colour blue.

You turned me lilac,
And I apologize for that because you realized blue and red don't mix
Now it's something you can't fix
And im left a mess.

I apologize, to put my head to rest.

you told me you love me
you were my world
you knew me
but I don't know the real you
those secrets you've kept
kills me slowly

a.v.

"you can't just
touch my soul
and leave"

You used to look at me with ur heart
And you would fill mine with joy
Eventually your heart grew cold
And i would feel myself getting paralyzed
In the frost
And you left me behind

Where did you go
Our happy days seem so long ago
Yet we're still sleeping in the same sheets
Yet i still smoke to eliminate stress
But it's only a timekiller

It's just a waste. waste. waste.
I should walk away
But if you call for me
You know i'll come
But you're already gone
Just fearing one day soon
You'll be gone forever
And i'll sit there in silence
Smoking my last cigarettes