You have never loved
me

You never will love
Me

Yet

I will always love
You

Endlessly lethargic
The power of sleep is great with me
A laggard sloth never wakes
never moves
but dreams with much creativity
slow moving somber slumber
How much I can sleep
drifting with ease into coma
how much easier it is with belly full
Falling into that dream assembly
drifting dragging drowning
Better than anyone I can promise
Can stay in bed for a whole week
How wonderful how simple
it is for me to sleep

Write something with meaning
Write something with substance
Read between the lines
Think of something
Think of anything
Importance possibly

make
someone somewhere somehow stir
Inside


And I will then exist.

Sometimes I can feel the blood boiling under my skin
Sometimes I can feel the slight snark of a grin you give me
Sometimes I can feel the Earth breathe and move and melt away
Sometimes I can feel like I know exactly what to say
Sometimes I can feel like I wanna dance in the street in the pouring rain
Sometimes I can feel like I wanna scream out my lungs until my throat is red with pain

and sometimes, sometimes I feel nothing and empty
and like this world is unreal

sometimes...only sometimes...


I feel.

Storms of change
Are on the horizon
In the grey mists of air
Rain droplets condense
And condense and condense
Until one by one
They fall
Lamented and flying from the ******* of clouds
Into the ionized air

Free at last

To flow
From roads, hills, and mountains
Down to rivers, lakes, and oceans
Deep into the soil giving life
All possibilities

*much deeper

Hornets and wasps
fly as fairies
in a springtime
green sunlit bloom
They dance around various bright warm colored poppies
like spaceships inspecting stars in the vast dark sky
and at 3p.m.
you may believe
magic is real

as ignorance is truly bliss

oh the sick rejection won't go away
there you are in the back of my mind
every single day
it's been 3 years
we both have moved on
but still there is pain
in my stomach
it aches
it's not the butterflies
or the simple bug
it's the pain of loosing you
loosing what I love
we talk and flirt
but you'll never be mine
only a boy who makes a tortured soul out of me
only a boy who makes me cry

Nothing exists in isolation

We must surround ourselves in
life like light
shining and gleaming upon everything
To show the world
Not only that these rays are real
but also
To make us see
we are present as well

That no one is truly alone
When you still have the sun

Only the things we do not notice
are the ones that are the most real..*
Teach me how to love
and teach me how to feel
Why is it all your songs sound so sad?
You're the man in the moon who teaches me bad
in a cool colored waterscape...filled with purples and blues...
You will pull the tides back and forth forever.

liquid light
comes creeping down the hall
tonight is the night
I am gone
drifting into another world
is this really real
or is it all a dream
what is reality but a perception of the mind
anything I believe could be real
what is life but made up stories from our kind

The nubilous white smoke
fills my eyes
then i melt
into oblivion
stars collide with glistening shades of yellow,blue,and
grey
i was whisked away into the ocean

deep...deep navy
full of mystery and
pain

waves crash over my head
I'm sinking
down
down
down
The moonlight cascades through the water
bubbles emanate from my mouth

...

then
no longer
the sea has betrayed me
i cannot bare this weight upon my chest
gasp.
gasp for air.

I'm just an addict
Overdramatic
Shooting up with melancholy

And I'm hopeless
Because I'm a romantic
Which is no way to be
I can't seem to find my feet
Or take a seat
Droning on and on
For a lost cause

with all the freedom you're entitled to
But I'd never take that away
So what's the reason why I stay
Your slave in my own self-made chains

Finding self esteem
Finding purpose in your every need

Because you are suicidal
In denial
And shooting up with melancholy

Every night
It's 3 am
Dead hour
The heals are awake
The heals are alive
A body without a soul
Is a corpse of course
Lifeless limbs
Still walk
In the dead hour
Some say they're gone
I say just broken
Hickery tickery tock
Hourglass breaks
There goes the clock
Birds chime away in the heads of the insane
They are searching for something
In the nothingness of black
Staring at the ceiling
Does the ceiling stare back?
They think about outer space and stars
Insomnia and insomniacs
And healers and mystics
of all kinds
But there is no light to be seen
and every night
It's 3 am
The dead hour

My doctor asks me
"how are you feeling?"
From one to ten
"Are you depressed?"
"Are you happy?"
"Is this the end?"

I say
"I am not sure how I am feeling, but today the sky is a dark despondent stormy cloud gray and this could be the end or the beginning of something new."

I'm never sure how I feel anymore since I've fallen in love with you

They serve me cold liquid imitation eggs for breakfast
And my mattress is solid plastic
I am only allowed outside at certain times
There are no windows so patients cannot
escape
We're all on suicide watch
When the night gets late

The girl next to me asks me if I want a demon
To be my friend

I already have one.

And

This

is the end.

I am not sure if it is
Fools who attract other fools
Or dresses that are a bit too tight
Soft dainty fabric presses against sunkissed summer skin
almost to reveal the soul
Hoping anyone will see
Like old men who stop to stare at bright garden daisies that are
Dying in the mists of milk cloudy grey

She has a housewife heart
Baking warm chocolate chip cookies
For every single person (including the cat)
So no one felt left out

She mixed and mixed
With that big wooden spoon
Not one single person
Got to lick it
with their fat strawberry tongues
And no one felt left out

She's obsessed
And is baking for
The children she has yet to have
And the husband she has yet to love
And the coworkers at the stable job she hasn't yet gotten the degree for

But she needs them all
So she doesn't feel left out

You'd love to love

Her
The invisible girl
With magnetic dreams
She's waiting
Smiling and spinning
Dancing and dazzling
Glittering and glistening
For
You

She's got it all
Everything you could
Want or need

She is still waiting for you
She is still yet to be seen

I'm a writer writing about a writer who writes about
stories told at cocktail parties
and spirits in the hotel
a beautiful woman
an innocent child
lust, love, out of luck
the death of a venerated character
stories much more popular than my own
I'm a writer writing about a writer who
is an alcoholic
who has a beautiful woman
and an innocent child
and a knack for neglect

You were created from
nothing

Born
Into a world
Where people believe you need
Something

To
Be
Happy.

There is a group of people
They sit in a grey room with no windows and
Try to piece together their grey puzzles

It is silent.

sometimes they
take pieces from each other
only to find they do not fit and are more confused than they were before

Stuck on pride

There has been only one puzzle the whole time

It is true we are our own worst enemy
But
Can you even find where that piece hides?

They watch the moon
Pitch
Ravens in the night
singing to death
soft sweet mournful songs
Blood and guts
wash down the streets
in sloppy waves of crimson red
Three little ravens singing
*"Every little thing is going to be all right."

A worker bee without a queen
Born to serve
Not to lead
With no one to obey
What purpose does he have?
Patiently waiting for someone to walk by
Counting each buzz the seconds fly
A waste of space
A waste of time


And all he has to do is sting.

She writes your name with her tounge
It isn't your name she's attached to
It isn't your words or your eyes or your
smile still saliva slips
to the
Skin of another
Like a ghost it's only a broken record
But you hear it moaning "help me"
Stuck in another dimension
It does not wait for someone to answer
Only helplessly repeats

There is no one inside
She licks an empty shell

To the wicked widow that ***** the life out of her mate
To the tiny little fellow that crawls through my window and greets me with a goodnight kiss
To the brown girl with long legs that's sitting in my driveway
To the acrobats and the practical jokers
To the boy I saw at midnight looking for food in my kitchen
To the beautiful yellow girl who I used to see hovering over my swing set when I was a child
To the fast runners, the trappers, and the waiters
To the dangerous, and the harmless
To all the tricksters in the world

*I ******* hate you.

He asked me if I was smiling*

all I can think to say
because these words
right here
right now
are inconsequential
trivial
insignificant

....yet perfect...

They live there

In a pit
In the middle of my bed

Underneath the comforter and fitted sheets
And white flowers in baby blue
In between the springs and the stuffing

Sometimes they go as deep as the bed frame too

A hole deep down into the floor
Where the carpet just splits in two
Where it is cold and wet
But mold still grows
And I still think about you

They live there

They pull me back in everytime
It's not something very new to me
Because they've been feeding off me my whole life

They drink my blood like leeches
Even when I'm pale and drained
I'm so used to this I'm just speechless

But don't ask me to get up
Never ask me to get up
Because I'm still stuck in bed
from all this

Pain

Will I always want to die early?

A head on collision
Fractured skull with my brain seeping out like oil -black gold
A robber with a gun
Carpet stains forever -the realtor will claim it's wine
A tumor
Cells they're multiplying -a death by creation
Spontaneous combustion
The stench of my body's blackened burning flesh -actually smells pretty tasty
Drowning
Gasping my life's last breath as I scream muted screams and water poetically fills my lungs - shimmering bubbles float to the top

My mother sobbing and cutting herself for months
My father goes insane and shoots himself in the head in my room
My sister cries herself to sleep and wishes she would have seen me more
My best friend doesn't talk for years
My boyfriend throws up at the thought of my death everyday while his parents claim god will make everything okay

Or they'll all write best selling novels on how they survived my awful tragic death

And no one will ever read my poetry


Will I always want to die early?

I want to write something with
Importance
Something with weight
Something people love
Something people hate
To make my life worth more
When I'm sitting outside the big red door
Wishing life hadn't gone by too fast
I want my soul to remain
After my body has passed
To make other people feel
Is how I make myself real
I need this more than you do
My only friend
There is nothing of true
Importance
In the end

Cleanse me

Wash away these sins
Let them disintegrate into the cool water
As I float like a child cradled in the womb of a loving mother
Free from the dirt that never left my feet

Drown me

These sins were never mine.

"You can't write like me!"

I said.
(To justify insanity)

However,
You replied

"Poetry is dead."

I love you
but know
I can't fall in love
I can't fall in lust
I can't fall in trust
I can't fall in starry eyes
I can't fall for all the lies
I can't fall in perfection
I can't fall in nostalgic recollection
but mostly I can't fall for you
I know
goodbye is the only truth

Gonna be a conman,
Selling ******* to the masses,
Handing out bibles and rose colored glasses.
Life's just an ironic joke.
We're all just pawns in a stalemate game,
the place where everyone showed up ,but, no one really came.
Crooks learn to cook,
Mold grows behind refrigerator doors.
Those people on the street are zombies and, ******.
White, red, and little blue lies.
Parasites that feed,
And what do they really need ?
Fill up your cup  halfway with water,
But just so you know there's a hole in the bottom...

Every single person on the planet could drop
dead this second.
Life would still go on.

Raw pure cane sugar
And sand to stir

In your morning drink

Because life's too short
Not to be sweet

We'll walk down to the ocean

Shore, salt, shine, and ****
Seagulls and shellfish

laugh at a joke I can't seem

to

*understand

I am laying down
The rusty red bricks
And
The dark wet heavy grey cement
In an almost robotic method
Cold and simple
Mechanic
To build the wall that will go in-between us

You can huff and puff
But you're never ever going to break me down

You are pathetic
You are unworthy
You are rotting away on the other side
You are already a corpse
Dying
From the uranium in your bones

I will create a quarantine of the heart
And why wouldn't you want me to?

You're the one who told me so.

Please don't throw me away
Even though I'm broken beyond repair
I just want to be with you
Even though I'm scared
Please don't throw me away
Because there's only so much
I can take
And these pills don't swallow

I know that I am trash
And I never will be great
I'm subpar
A mediocre girl to be forgotten
In a melancholy world full of hate

I know that I am garbage
Everything I do is wrong
Little things- they overwhelm me
Even as I write this song
And creatively it's better to be low
These landfills fill
But nothing else

I know I am useless
As I sit here writing these words
I know they're not going anywhere
Because I'm not going anywhere
But still I write

I know I am ****
As the crumbled up pieces of my heart surround me
The ink smudging from my tears
I realize they're worthless
Scraps no one will ever see

But I still won't throw them away

She wishes she were a tree
She wouldn't have to think
She wouldn't even have to breathe

The white hare smiles.
It smiles with the smile that a girl ought to smile.
The hare is fast enough to outrun it's predators,

I am not.

And even then, sometimes the fastest hare is caught.


White becomes pink
Pink becomes red


These are the colors of my brain splattered on the plastered
wall.

The hare is alive.

I am dead.

Life is just a theory
Every break through
Every thought and idea
Every problem and solution
It changes
We don't know
Until we know
So I will forever never believe
The "truth"

I've got too many things in my pockets
a broken hourglass, a fallen star, a pinch of jealousy,
and the keys to
your car.
When I think about the future, it all seems too far...
so here I keep my heart, in my pocket,
in a Tupperwear jar.
Sometimes I feel like crying
tears...they ruin my face with the streaks of blackened lament
and I drown myself in *****
at the bar.

My body is a vessel for my soul
My body grows withered and old
Deep down in the darkness all there is, ...is cold
And I don't know what it means
I don't try to pry at the seams
But sometimes, sometimes my mind runs away
into the abyss of ashes gray
I just want to know
I just want to know
Why the twilight sky looks so resplendent
Filled with fathomless purples and blues
And why GOD why.. why does it make me think of you?

It's only until you are broken you are free.

My skull is made of glass.
I'm afraid there's nothing in there.

A small machine
Like a wind up toy automatically running
and
when you forget to twist

The body stops entirely.

I notice
feet first
soul second
as they dance around
circles of sounds
one being
one spirit
  
     suddenly I am ashamed

lack of concentration
ignorance of life
things done
things said

things forgiven

Your favorite color is green
But my eyes will always be brown

Sitting there
Stagnant air
But the light still shines
All around
Skin
Breath
Sound

it's all fun and games
Until someone falls in love

Could it be you?
Could it be me?


It only happens when it's meant to be

A hollow log was once a tree
Tall and beautiful
Fruits and flowers in spring
Deep luscious vermilion in summer
Red and brown and yellow golden sunlight fall
Sparkling pure clean snow in winter
Whether it was just natural to die
Or some coincidence
I do not know
But the tree had fallen
No longer
flower or vermilion or sunlight or pure
Only empty
Nihilist
Decomposition
Moisture creates fungi and bacteria within
bugs and maggots and worms
They feed
On the corpse of loveliness
Until the nothingness is nothing

In a golden haze
I spell out your name
with my fingertips
across his hand
It's too bad that no man could ever understand
           We are Together always
When night falls and the sky is a pitch blanket
with small sparkling holes
sending us their light back from the dead
Galaxies from far far and beyond
The moon hangs in all its glory from an
invisible string
like the one that connects us
An invisible unbreakable twine
That has stretched through space
and time
Until the moon falls down
Until the moon falls down...

Go ahead and steal this poem

Do with it what you wish
Because
I wrote it for you

So someone somewhere could steal something

Go ahead and steal this poem
It's what all poets do

Take me
Make me
Feel alive again
I have nothing left
But clichés

oh sweet memories
on the concrete
of a broken dream  
stare into me like a crystal ball
I see no future
nothing at all
there is only your satin flesh
that burns red embers with every simple caress
speak to me only with your eyes
words mean nothing
the words are all lies
not a thing can contain this passion inside
yearning for a delicate touch that makes me sigh
longing for you like the moon longs for the sun
waiting alone
in the pitch night sky