Consistency was never my thing,
Any context says so,
Certainty was just a fling,
But anxiety is waiting at home.

Consistency is repetitive and boring,
Always knowing what comes next,
But I found solace in its simplicity,
So I didn't like the sudden text.

The text was short but not sweet,
Dark in its words,
It only consisted of one question,
'Hey...have you heard?'

It was from someone I didn't expect,
A somewhat old friend of mine,
But from those four words,
I knew it was time.

She was going through alot,
From what I remember,
And we both lost a person,
That late December.

It ruined the consistency of things,
What happened then,
Because all were left were rings,
And my heart empty and aware.

I slipped

I slipped and fell so fast,
It was embarrassing.
You laughed asking if I was okay,
But no I just fall over things.

My biggest fall was for you.

It didn't hurt at first,
I didn't realise it quick,
Until your smile was my world,
Without it, it was sick.

There was a drop.

So fast and low,
My love for you found no bounds,
I didn't think to let you go.

I fell

I fell so fast and deep,
Your eyes suffocating me,
Now I must give what I keep,
Ending love what needed to be free.

You said you were tired
And I was too
But I didn't want to let go
Because it meant I'd lose you.

Yes we were mature,
Enough to be friends,
But did we want that?
It still felt like the end.

Here we are sitting,
On the bench, in our park,
Talking about anything,
Even when it was dark.

The lamps turned on,
Flashing lights of cars,
We went our separate ways,
Knowing love could never be ours.

I talked to them yesterday,
I told them my feelings, giving my brightest smile,
They gave me one too, but one of pity,
I'm not the one they want.

I was happy yesterday,
They said yes to my feelings,
smiling at the possibilities,
It only lasted two hours before regret,
The 'almost' coming to an end.

I was messaged last evening,
A paragraph on my social media,
I thought it was to talk about the day,
But it wasn't in the way I expected.

They went back on their words,
Told me sorry they don't have the time,
I said I was relieved and that "I'll be fine!"
But all I wanted to do was scream for the 'almost'.

I almost had it,
The feeling of being enough to someone,
I wanted to feel that about myself,
But I wanted help doing so,
I cannot blame them for not feeling for me,
It's their feelings not mine,
But I wish they never thought me fragile,
As it exposes what I've hidden in time.

I will forget them inevitably,
After all I always do,
Suppressing feelings and memories,
But I can't help but think of almost,
And the 'almost' that was almost there.

And here I am in my bed,
Still waiting for that almost to be had.

You wouldn't listen if I told you,
You wouldn't react if you saw,
Red scratches look like smears,
With those lenses of yours.

You wouldn't replace them,
No matter how tinted,
Convince me it was normal,
"It's just what family does."
It was normal for family,
To look at me through the holes.

I hear a certain voice,
Or a certain laugh or certain story,
My heart still stops as it rattles my being,
My mind goes a distance, falling,
Writing this now I feel bile in my throat,
Because Dad he is 5001 miles away,
But why does he seem close?

You wouldn't let me explain,
Mum could not defend,
Your fear of finding out the truth,
Can't overweigh desire for its end.

You wouldn't listen Dad,
Your habit is to blame,
But would I want you to do anything?
That would be nothing for your gain.
It will be his as he knows,
He's won,
For that reason alone.