Maybe if I cried so hard
You would hear me.

Maybe if my tears become so much
You would drown in it.
...
.

She slept through the new year's day.
On valentine she ate her chocolates alone.
On Easter, her eggs didn't have colors.
Her apartment hunted her, on Halloween.
On thanksgiving, her turkey got burnt.
On Christmas eve. There wasn't any sock to hang.
Mistletoe dried up!
Isolated in her own head.
No love here!

She wore moonlight, like a ball gown.
While the illumination dripped from above.
Her quintessential eloquence, brought her naked lips, looking like delicacy for a gourmet.
Her eyes gazing at the sky, looking like a shooting star, except going up.
If 'beauty' was a human, she'd be an exaggeration to the word.
A sound of her voice could calm the tsunami heading for east asia,
and when she calls my name, it feels like I've only heard it for the first time...
She used to be mine.
But she's gone, like the shooting star.
And i never made a wish.

I want it all...
All the love stories I've heard. Including the ones i saw in movies.
Oh wait, i want my money back for those movies too.
Disney lied to me.
I want the coffee smell at dawn.
The smell of cuddles at cold nights.
I want to taste a soft lips, mixed with sweet saliva.
Disgusting?? Who cares?? I want that.
I want someone to look at me like, I'm the last and only thing they want in life before rapture.
I want to not feel like happiness z over rated.
Or is that too much of a want??
Or does my want not want me??

all of a sudden you started to show up for me
just when i gave up on us
the only feeling i have towards you... is pity.
a pity that i lost you, but more pity cause you never had me
one day i stopped crying, stopped wishing
one day i remembered that i was too much for you
the only happy memory i had...
were those that you were absent from.
and One day, my heart left you, and came back to me.
love shouldn't exist for you.

As he gazed up to the sky...
He discovered, that he has only ever been looking at t, and not seeing t.
He wept...

So i discovered that yhu are happy now.
Too bad, I'm not the source.
Maybe yhu'll find out, how immense
My pain is...
Perhaps, someday too. I hope yhu know.
That yhu are the source.

Fifth note:

Haha...
I realized today, that I'm not lonely.
I just have nobody!
For the fifth time this year I've resurrected my hunger for nothing.
I've smiled so much that it feels odd now.
So, i now open my heart and accept that...
"Yes indeed, i am a walking obituary"
I bet if i rapture today...
The gods wouldn't know i existed.
So now, i smile a teary smile.

Without stain, without flaws.
Without blemishes, and with awes.
I stood at the peak, with no equal, except being second only to you.
In every way!
I leave a bright scent of indescribable perfumes, when i appear.
I'm beautiful, and the word doesn't even suit me.
I am the warmth in winter, the calm wind that soothes the mind.
That rest, you yearn for after a long day.
I am the calm in the storm, the complete life-form, there's none like me.
Yet, see how I've been reduced, they even sketch and paint me, looking like I've got horns and ugly.
All cause i fell.

If joy was a form of sin.
I'd have been locked up in the deepeat parts of hell.

Imagining you walk past me
I felt like a background song...
I've dreamt dreams, that the god of dreams would not approve on.
Like a child with a runny nose, after eating a spicy meal.
It's how my heart melts each time i smell your presence.
And even though
You fade a little faster than you appear, it's enough.
I planned to write three poems today
But your name filled the wordings
Of all my A4's
Now I'm in a daze.
Is this love??
Or would it pass away??

I can't remember what I'm here for
I only feel heartbroken, listening to love songs.
I only get lonely, when I'm around people.
I feel disgust, when i fall in love.

When all the love is doubtful...
Life becomes a state of suspended animation.
I start to think...
Maybe I'm an irony, to all things good.

I've discovered, most often than none.
That, I'm a ***, a desperate ***.
I immerse myself in a consistent situation, where I'm not even consistent, with my consistency.

I'm a ***** for the things, i go back to, on different intervals, never sticking to a decision made.

I ******* myself to irrelevances, and deviate from my goals.
I procrastinate my soul, and i'm frolicking with time, that i do not have.
I often wonder, what else would i be...
If not this!??
But at least, I'm no hypocrite, and I'm true to myself. I'm a proud ***, and i, won't pretend to be good, just so the world wouldn't judge me!
I'm a ***!

...
Who would she tell??
Who would've listen to her unbelievable story!?

The rain didn't come early.
So in the shower she stood.
Drips of crimson being washed away!
Both wrists open!
Leaning with the right shoulder, till her body went cold.

It became too long, so she stood up, got the first aid kit, and patched herself up.

For even death did not want her!
Then came the rain.

Pheeew...
At this point, i feel like, i wrote the entire book of lamentations.
They say a Father's love extends, and it's on-ending.
Tch, we called you father
You called us servants... Messengers
Look at who you call children though.
Am i jealous??
**** yes!! Wouldn't you be??
Was i so wrong??
Isn't every parents wish, for their children to surpass them.
Or so i thought.
So i wanted to take your position, it felt cool to be the first for once, so i took the opportunity.
Except maybe, you never actually saw me as a child.
We were in this together, through the time i was made eons ago, i watched the others formed into creation.
And because of that... It got into my head!

Paintings... Huh
If paintings could use their canvases to show pain.
I bet the only picture there would be yhurs!

Tell her she's beautiful...
Do things yhu used to do with her when yhu started fresh with her.
Correct her in a calm and subtile way.
Reassure her, tell her how important she is.
Tell her yhur world without her in t, would be like the first verse and chapter of Genesis.
Even times, when she's falling... Remind her of how strong she is, do not give up on her.
She's really special. Would t **** yhu to let her know that, no matter how annoying she is, i mean. No matter how annoying. Sometimes she might drive to to the edge, but she needs to hear yhu say those words.
#to all the wives, widows, mothers and girlfriends.
Hang in there, we see yhu!

Can someone...
Anyone!
Just tell me "i love you"
Even if it's a lie??

What we had was so much, like a full cup spilling over.
Look at us now.
we can't even find a cup
To contain our emptiness!

Could you cuddle me...
But not just with your body, do it with passion from your eyes, and think of me even while I'm there with you.
Kiss me like as though,
Your lips has pledged allegiance for me.
Spoon me from behind, and let our thighs slip underneath, against each other.
Let our body play the stings of a violin
And produce Melodies untold
Love me tenderly and hold me like you're elderly.
I want to look at you, just enough, so that other girls will have nothing left, to see of you.
My favorite color is you.
So, Let our *** become conversations
Of unrecorded desires.

Without remorse...
I have danced with the feeling of neglect, and toyed with self pressure over others, on what they could perceive me to become.

I slowly become what I'm not.
And lose sense of self, daily, now I've prided myself with failure, as it has become the only thing constant in my life.
I want to move forward, but i do not know the way.
My thoughts betray me, as I'm an over-thinker, on... Well "everything"
I die while living, now my future has been placed on hold.
And now my present, presents me with constant responsibilities.
I think l, I'm beginning to hate my life.
Surrounded by lots of people.
Yet i feel, utter loneliness.

My name has become the next best thing.
Synonymous to any, every and all things horrible, bad and has nothing to to with me.
Who's fault is that??
You created beings to spite me, but they behave in ways that are and still even worse than what i did.
Talk about loving, discrimination.
Pathetic, little and finite lifeforms, that barely see a century, also who disregard your love for them.
And follow after frivolities.
**** this, i know i did wrong, but wasn't this also included in your great plan??

I'm pretty sure the word is underated
Too frequently used, that we forget to attach a meaning while saying it.
The sole proprietors of sentiments
The quintessence of woman-hood.
The utter embodiment of love.
The spitting images of all things "care"
And the place where all happiness are fulfilled.
The ones who sat and washed our infant heads, from infancy to adults, they still wash us up in their own way.
Her embrace, gives you warmth, erases a blizzard from our aching hearts.
The ones who say "i love you" by adding an additional serving of food to you.
Our falling pillers, who helps us stand, despite falling.
We may not always see eye, to eyes or say it, but...
I love you!
This is an ode, to African mothers. Our back bones!

Peter pan would be nothing
Without the lost boys.
Without the sun we'd freeze up
And without the moon, we'll burn down.

Just without life, I'd be one of the concubines of death.

Without you I'd be an empty husk, shelled off, left to dry underneath the desert sand.
But without me, you'd be like an amazon goddess with a choice, and happy!

It's twilights...
From afar they look so pretty
Unfortunately the sun burns

Maybe, if I'd just kept walking.
I wouldn't have walked into your life.
Maybe i would walk out of this pain growing like a wilde fire in me.
Maybe if I'd kept walking.
Then maybe you'd only be beautiful from afar!

The last text yhu sent...
Became blurry, after i read it.
For the second time!

Why do you keep, showing up in my life.
Like a bad habit?

Yhu gave me butterflies...
But not in a good way. Those were times when, i was important to yhu...
Now, my only importance is yhur idea of me.
"Sometimes yhu have to give space, so people can miss yhu"
Maybe then, yhu'll get yhur value back!

Fourth note:

So... They say love comes with the season.
Then how come it's only one season here??
Season of tears.
I realized, how "chores are things a person does and isn't noticed, until the person stops doing them".
If i take another step from this bridge into this river.
Would someone notice me??
Life has ups and downs, so how come I've only ever been looking down?
When you hit a child, either out of love or reproach.
I won't change the fact, that it hurt regardless.
So please... Anyone.
Someone... Give me a hug.

They said, that water is colorless.
So if the tears were the water of the heart.
Then why was her own red...

So...
I'm so sad
It feels like i broke up with myself!

I'm not exactly scared of being alone
I just don't want to be forgotten.
For the fear of loneliness i mingle
To not be hungry, i eat when it's not needed.
I crave love, so i love first, and cry later.
For the fear of falling in love wrongly
I stand tall and firm, alone.
For the fear or being hated for who i am, i pretend.
Maybe I'm meant to be lonely.
But does it have to be this bad??
Can't i just be loved a little bit...
I'm just lonely, alone! By myself

Someone say "i love you"
Please.

Second gimmick:
A cup half empty, can also be a cup half full.
Depending the who feels the pain, it can either be great, or less.
So, to the path of an independent woman, i stand on, not walking... Standing.
With eyes full of shame, i stand within myself, shameful.
Ashamed of my full self.
Of a how a 'fool' i was.
I tool i am.
A help meet, but i cannot get, even meat.
No matter how i beg for help!
If life is a movie
Then i was the side character, who wasn't casted, no screen time.
I'll be the missing script!

Christianity...
What is it exactly?? Lots of people take us for granted.
See us like weaklings cause we turn a blind eye to offenses and welcome the sinners.
I laugh.
If I'd get an opportunity, I'd like to add to the bible.
The book of "advanced testament"
Cause i don't quite get why i gotta turn the other cheek in the 21st century.
But i don't want to accompany lucifer as a pitch fork holder.
Why would i let you touch the first one even?
Oh lord forgive me...
But maybe you should take away grace for a moment, so folks can understand what ***** went through.
I'm a Christian not just by family bringing but by heart.
But if you test me and test God.
Ooh, I'll stop being a pacifist.
And turn the fist!

You are you, and i am me!
You probably don't know, that i don't like walks in a park, but i do it for you.
The difference is...
You feed your ego with me.
But i love you whole.
You lie, even when i know it's the truth.
And i just smile at noon, but soak my pillows in eye liquids at nights.
You use me to satisfy your loneliness.
And other people too.
But i really have no one, so i cling up to a hope, that you might look at me, without the thought of me as a "pawn"
I keep trying to make us work
But you keep going to work on me.
The difference between us is.
I've mastered pain.
And you're a lost puppy.
The opposite of love is not hate.
It's to be taken for granted!

I can be the great ice...
Taking on the titanic
The great tsunami, flooding asia.
I can be like brimestone to gommorah
I could even be a rain storm on a Sunny day, changing the weather, and being unpredictable.
I could be like the wisdom of old men
And happily smile on sad days.
But each time i hear your voice,
Mine cracks a little
And i melt into a thousand pieces.
I stop at the shores of China...
Be a blizzard in soddom
And let the sun shine free on it's days
And when i listen to you speak again, even the wisdom of old men
Wouldn't be able to keep me from breaking.
You do things to me, without doing anything.
When i fell for you,
I think i bruised both knees.
It's a shame you couldn't fall.
You're still standing tall.

As versatile as our minds, being in an odd sync... Traveled.
We saw each other for who we were.
Or at least i did.
As memory serves, you proposed forever.
But forever is a long time.
In my vast memory, a memory without verses and in contradicting our own universe.
Like a memory verse, you stuck to my head, even after you were gone.
I recited you back into my life, and clung on-to the petty hope.
A hope filled with despair.
We would've been a great pair.
Now like a memory not needed, I'll put you in a vase.
And slowly erase you, like a memory-verse!

When you told me, that you misplaced your own key to the house!
I was a little glad and worried.
Glad cause i didn't want you to come back here anymore.
Worried cause I'd be so lost without you here!

Third gimmick:

I see... So this is life??
What life??
The jokes i used to laugh to before.
Are not funny anymore!
Even life feels like death, and death seems to be calling out warmth!
I often fantasize about myself, Alive.
Like i was an undead corpse!
Furthermore a path i found, was closed by a path that found me!
Not once, has anyone ever asked me, what i wanted.
All they ever do is look at me an assume. I need directions, but they assume i know.
I need help, but I'm assumed to be independent.
At this pace, i might lose my beauty to an ugly situation!

They say only the devil walks in darkness.
But I pray daily in darkness...
And sin openly in the light!
What does that make me??

Looks can be deceiving...
Why don't you just look deceiving??

You know, I'm a fool for you.
It's like you know that no matter what, I'll be there for you...
Even if you ***** up!

So let me be a fool for you!

But do you know what happens to a fool when they become wise??
They stop doing a foolish things.
Things like "being there for you."
So let me be your fool!