the belt around her waist,
mimicked your pale hands
forming an "o,"
while your fingertips meet.
though I told myself
my curves are as gorgeous
though your fingers never graced
anything thinner than my wrists
or the neck of your guitar
i felt my cheeks drain of blush
and replace with the color
of the grass
i rather lay in
than jog through
because the only sweat
i'd like to break
tastes like yours
and mine
and ours in a kiss
while your fingertips meet
around each one
of my *******
and inside me

i have racked my mind
trying to figure this whole thing out
the staying, the going
the threads we claim hold us here
& the people who've stopped to play a tune on them
i sometimes relate it
to waking up in waist deep snow
in our former selves
the us we wish we could give one another
the children we've sat on the shelves
trapped, like the looks
we leave behind in snow globes
i sometimes imagine ships
dragging the bottom to the sea of "me"
for sleep & pieces of my old self
to sell to the new one
like history doesn't repeat itself
it gets me wondering
if you too want an apology from the rain
or if you dream of burning family photo albums
and wearing the ashes like perfume
if you're anything like me
how i hope god chokes
on memories of me blowing out candles as a child
i know i shouldn't reference my reader  
but don't you know, the only difference
between alone & lonely is you?
that if my hands could talk
the only thing they'd be able to say
is "dear god we've missed you"
and how can you tell me it isn't love
when even the rain refuses to fall
in places where i've kissed you
i remember the day
you found my smile at a yard sale
it reminds me of how you'll leave
i wonder if when you go
you'll tell yourself
the person in the rear view mirror
is closer than they appear

I cannot recall the moment
that sanity became a working goal.

Drugs are expensive,
sobriety; even more so.
Somewhere between all of this
I will have to learn to live.

The homeless are pushed out of town,
asleep beneath the railway bridge
that sends rain through rivets
like bullets.

I keep punching the clock
as it throttles Eros with slow hands.

“Sometimes just a smile is enough”
reads a cardboard placard.
But I have not cracked a smile
since I started popping these pills.

i sit there with
the cool wind
breezing against my face
while the summer sizzles
on my shoulders

your golden thigh
sticks to my skin
as we drive to the game
every ******* week

the boys
they sit in the back
and pack their lips
and talk **** about
the girls

the girls
who don't realize
that they're their easy targets
who skip around
in their short, tight
dresses

they talk about their waists
and the way they like to moan
every little imperfection
all avail have they shown

they think that it makes them buff
they think that it makes them cool
and i let them light their egos
and sometimes i chirp on too

but yet i sit and listen
and sometimes i think
they don't realize that i'm a girl
too

i don't know how i feel about that

Past and future come together
in a maelstrom of emotions.
Swirling delusions
illusions
collusions
render my thoughts
unintelligible.

My stomach knots,
knowing I need to face
you, and your torrid
condescension.

Cold sweat beads on my body,
I shiver in the exact opposite
of anticipation.

Too much going on...
I can't deal with stress...
work, family, health.

Life.

Great expectations guide me down a road
travelled by those who judge.
Actions of yesterdays haunt me,
hide me from facing light.

You're not helping.

I cried out for support as I met
new friends, co- workers,
challenges.

You laughed at my burden,
shared my unease with your friends.
They shared your laughter
while nobody dipped a toe
into the pool I was drowning in.

Past and future collide
forming the present.

I live in restlessness,
imagining the worst,
feeding off a dish of foreboding,
drinking from the cup of delusion.
This is my normal.
My reality.
My life

Looking for your eyes
When I am in a crowd
So that you may look for me
Or you may call me
Then I come like a wind
Shower my love like a rainfall
And whistle like a train
And carry you all the time
And bear you all the time
Wish me luck oh my beauty
I will be on your duty all the time

someday my life will end
and so will yours
so kiss me any time
*okay?