Have you ever popped a bubble and it ended up being a dud bubble?
Well sometimes I have dud bubbles too..
Certain parts of me
I don't like to make noise about
As I go quiet
While other times,
I will wake the dead with my yodeling
For confidence is rare

I am, bubble wrap.
Me
I am bubbly
Very
Bubbly
More in front of my friends
Dog
and acquaintances to be specific
I have times where every little thing in life seems to excite me
But though I seem see through,
I am not
for I do have a flat side of me
This side is most shown in my
work ethic
family
and friends when they need someone to talk to
Back to the bubbly side
It can go flat as well
With just enough pressure
as anyone
I can pop.

Once, I told you goodbye.
It was bitter and **** and my mind would race
My heart would cry and try to keep pace
But every time i opened my eyes,
They would water and my soul would die.
I smoked a cigarette in memory of you,
Drank a bottle of ***** and ran away from it all through
Thick and thin I would still stay
But then I remembered I pushed you away

Once, I told you goodbye.
I cried and cried once I woke
Sobering me up was certainly no joke
And once my eyes rested on pictures of his smile
My heart couldn't help but palpitate for a while

I know it's my fault and I know I shouldn't cry
But I'm sorry he was my everything
And I just let it die.

I love you
because I know
you want
to take this from me
and say
“Let me do this for you.”
even though
I know and you know
you can’t.
It’s a nice sentiment, though
made nicer by the fact
we both know
“It’s okay. I can.”
Just hold my hand.

I hate you
I hate the way you smile
I hate the way your hair looks in the morning
I hate your smirks and dazzling eyes
I hate that you make me nervous
I hate that you're always trying to figure me out
I hate that you notice the little things about me
I hate that you care about me
I hate that you know about me

because now I crave your affection

I hate how you ignore me for hours
I hate that you tell me all about her
I hate everything about you

And maybe that's why I hate myself so much
I've become so attached that I fear I am no where near good enough

"What a ****
You're a waste of space
Selfish brat
No one will ever like you
Ugly ******"

Words escalated after I said
"I'm a bit cold"
in 30 degree weather
Wearing a thin long sleeve..
Words from my own mother

I would like for her to repeat those phrases after she's
seen me throwing up every "snack" I've eaten in 3 days

Have her watch me cry and shake in the bathtub while slitting my wrists because a blade hurts way less than her words

Have her watch me spend hours looking at thinspo and
"how to be perfect" websites for self expectance because she's torn me down too far

I want her to watch me talk to the people at school because she sees me as the hammer I smash my ribs against with; but truly, I am gentle

I am petrified to raise my hand in class because I am so scared to mess myself up... Mommy said it was wrong to mistake.
I will cry in a bathroom stall for hours if a girl DARE tell me she thinks she doesn't look good enough for the world today because that's how I feel with reminders every hour
But,
Maybe I am selfish
Selfish to keep myself away from human engagements for so long
But mommy says it's for the better
Better if I stay away

The words I've learned to trust so much
It's the words that stab me over and over
Those words are the reason I cannot accept a compliment or state my thoughts aloud

Feeling far worse than suicide.
Self harming
Burning
Carving
Words hurt more
Her words hurt most

And now mommy might know
Why there is a tear stained note waiting for her in her bedroom tonight
And she might feel just a bit of pain
As I did everyday

Goodbye mom, I thought I loved you.