Have you eaten?
Yeah
Have you?
I can tell when she asks me it grows from love
But I can't help but think otherwise as I curl her hair at midnight
Hugging me one last time before she goes off to meet the man who is made of shadows
I cannot save her
I cannot even save myself

I do sit ups as they lay asleep
I am bone and they are flesh
It's how it's always been
Hiding behind my skeleton while my friends pretend that nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is wrong

How often do you cry at the dinner table?
Weeping over ever teaspoon of honey that falls down your throat
When will I realize that I cannot craft a new heart out of ash and longing?

I send myself mixed signals
Is the day a success if I eat something,
Or nothing at all?
What about one apple, two apples?
Three?
Am I any less alluring if you cannot see my collarbones stabbing through my neck?
A silent fist fight taking place upon my frail décolletage
Am I less interesting if you cannot see the world through the gap between my thighs?
If there is not even a sliver of space between them?
He can complain I do not eat
She can mother my heart into hunger
It seems to change nothing
Because they are not awake when I am awake
And they do not feel what I feel
An itching sensation in my stomach that causes my euphoria
A starving cry that echoes within my spine like church bells

There are wolves only I can hear
Howling symphonies of hunger and longing  
They sing me lullabies as I lay awake
Horrified at the thought of having to explain to my childhood self that she would one day be afraid of her own reflection

And people say I've changed when I know I haven't
And I'll still cry when my black dog howls at that swollen paper moon
A heartstring ripping song that will have no duet
And so I've stitched myself in lavender
And drowned my skin in water that comes from so close to the sea that my palms hold shipwrecks
But I'm still that same girl who stood too close to the edge of the road just to feel the cars whip past her
And I'm still that same girl who feels as though the love she is given will never truly be earned

Spellbound

I could spend years wandering in that same ellipse
Awake during nightfalls your parents never told you of in bedtime stories
Entranced by heartbeat lightning as I avoided foggy eyes
I was seeking a light that could not glow there

I remember the year I became alight,
warding through punched walls with her candle  
Flames licking at my frail wrists like kittens  
Where she waited for me I cannot tell you,
for the women who twiddle their thumbs amongst smoke in unlit rooms are the women who have shown me something about myself that was once hidden  
Hidden like screams woven within static and wind

I have always been the one who has to watch the doors when people come in and out
Guarding entrances to homes as I watch life pass me
Spinning slowly as I become separate from the air
And maybe you get and that and maybe you don't
And maybe there will always be two kinds of people
Those who change in front of the mirror
And those who don't
Each meaning so much more and so much less than what we fixate upon
Or maybe nothings like that
And maybe i will always be the girl born too late in the summer
With irises that have mystified my mother to this day
And a spellbound quality to my smile that my grandmother warned would make men weep

It's not fair that you only have to spend the morning without me
for I'm trapped in the night
darkness deafening me as I tell myself over and over that this is real
that midnight is only an hour
that I'll be home soon
and I never feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
transporting myself place to place
continent hopping like a heart murmur
my soul is five hours behind
and when you sleep my whole being longs for your voice
glasses half empty stacked beside me
I remember a time when my hair danced at my hips
when the moon would be full and heat lightning blinded me
constantly praying to a god I didn't believe in that I could fall asleep
but dreams didn't come
and that summer lasted but eight days
when I can feel your heartbeat you are fire
but now that I'm so far away your voice is tired
your laugh is like a wind chime on a day when the air doesn't speak
milk moons have a habit of forcing me to reread your words
making me realize I now posess curses I never thought I'd have to endure
like how when I touch you I am not the girl my father raised
like how when you push me into the wall I hope your mother doesn't weep

We all have promises we wish we never made
I wish I didn't tie myself to you with silk
knotting each of my heartstrings around your fingers
I'm like your puppet
and it's wrenching because I had always been so brimmed with pride
conceived by my parents notion that I'd be doomed to wander alone
or blessed
if you choose to look at my freedom like it's that of a gift
but I don't want it anymore
I refuse to chain myself to my past
my frosted veins melting in your palms
I am not who I thought I was
I am not the lady my matriarch once bore that hot morning
a head full of curls and irises that told two different tales

I'm so lucky that the trees bend north tonight
I contribute secrets as clouds to the noir
unkept stands of chestnut trying to escape
but I don't blame them
and ink is all around me as I further my vices
counting down to paradise as I move a little too quickly from my bed
the other part of me wonders if I go visit him at this time
and I grin at that notion she thinks that's what I want from this hour
there are moments I forget to miss you
guild soaked as I remember love
I wouldn't call this bliss
it doesn't even scrape at happiness
it's emptiness
but not the way I've experienced before
I don't have words for this new feeling
not yet at least
I'll let anything in as an attempt to starve out this self doubt
but no whisper is as warm as your breath
because with you you don't even need to comfort me with diction
instead I swallow your glances like honey
I hope you know this mindset will never evolve
and if it does it is only to grow stronger

Some hearts change with the seasons
mine used to change at every chime of a clock
I'm stagnant now
laying calmly in the eye of the storm
the light hitting my skin the only thing changing each hour

Soon this will be over
No longer damning every firefly and its nerve to glow without purpose
Soon I'll be at your mercy again
Purple thighed and alive
Because right now without you I've never felt so alone
Eyelids like blankets
Terrified of what dreams could await my unconscious soul
But in the deepest hollows of my chest I hear your voice calming me
Saying what you always say when you hear my heart rate jump
"Let me sing you that song about the stars I know you love"

I think I'm losing it again
Fatherless scorn as I ****** myself into the night
When can I see you again?
Half bleeding in the shadows as I hide my smoke in my coat
Aren't you cold?
Midnight sparrows startled as I throw rocks at what they've torn down
Every inch of my childhood ripped from my being
Soul on fire as I realize I'll never get these memories back
And there are parts of me even I don't understand
Like why I allow myself to soak up the moonlight when I should be asleep
And you always said I inhale too many false heartbreaks in a wish to feel something
Letting myself get lost in the wooded flesh of others like I'll find something holy
But there's nothing for me here
Just a faraway feeling of home
You've changed my mindset of what it means to feel safe
No longer a bed and kin
But a boy who's limbs cover me like thorns
Scratching at my skin to remind me that he's no ghost
And I'm no psychic
We know not what we do
Letting ourselves get so close when we know that when morning light stains us I'll be gone
Among clouds of Amber in a half chambered attempt at loving someone besides you
And I shouldn't feel like this
Gilded to you like gold to porcelain
I wonder if passers by can sense your wonderment
Your disposition to think of wrongdoings as a gift
But I know they can't
And it makes me question whether or not it's even there
Or if I'm just imagining it like you're a bible verse I keep repeating
A spell I cast every night to convince myself I'm alive
And that my love is valid
But it's not magic or sorcery
It's how I was meant to feel every time before when I kissed death with a hollow promise
There's a lot to say about a girl who can love in the daytime
Summer skin tanned from humid lemon beams
But I love you at sunrise
When you're still asleep and I peek from behind blankets hoping I won't be caught
And I love you at dusk
With ash and leathered thighs as music pours through speakers
Your voice is honey to me
And I've never had a sweet tooth until I heard you sing
But most importantly I love you in the witching hour
As we wander through cemeteries and you point out forgotten psyches
Doomed to rot alone
I hope I get to hold your hand forever
I hope I never lose you

I never used to understand those heartspun melodies lovers would sing
but now every word is a map to a memory I have of you
winding roads of stars in my veins
highways of constellations
and they all lead back to that night
eyes lit by the flame of your cigarette
lights twinkling below us like an ocean of fireflies
and I can remember staring at your hands
pale and cold under that harsh moonlight
wishing you’d hold me closer to you
but I reminded myself that for many, feelings take time to grow
and most people don’t fall in love overnight
but I fell hard
and I’ve said it before
but I’ll say it again
your love surrounds me like darkness
like a tide always in
but in that evening it wasn’t love
and it wasn’t friendship
it was a strange middle ground I had arrived at the second I stepped off that platform
and when the sun rose the lightbeams reflected off your skin like that was their only purpose
you could give me directions to your lips and I’d still get lost
eyes hooked on the sharp features of your face
beautiful and stern like a storm
and your words were rain
showering me
and when you left I dipped my feet in the puddles they left
wondering if you really meant them
I cling to you like wet clothes
hugging every inch of you
blind to the notion that you might want your space
I’ve always been the one who doesn’t answer cries of heartache
murmuring to roses as I walk
conspiring that I might be made of petals and not of flesh
and that is why I didn’t love him
wouldn’t love him
couldn’t love him
but that static dream of a wildflower heart was ripped from me the second you bared your teeth
sat in the dirt like freshly planted seeds
you were like midnight during the day
a calm breeze encompassing me
bribing me to rip out my secrets in front of everyone
he told me you couldn’t fill the hole I’d dug so deeply in my heart in hopes you’d fall in
that you were fire
flames licking at anyone who got too close
but if you roll up these sleeves of mine you’ll find burn marks covering every inch
because I’ve never been one to learn a lesson that there’s such a thing as too much heat
I’ve lusted after boys with coins where their eyes should be
sunrises spent kicking myself for staying awake through the night in hopes they’d call
but none of that makes any sense now
it’s as if I didn’t even know what true yearning was
and my mother always said it’d do me well to experience heartbreak
but up until now any boy who called me his would do me no wrong by cutting his ties
in fact I’d probably thank him
as he’d give me the gift of that first night of freedom after days trapped in his heart
wandering the dust filled chambers like a labyrinth
coughing on the smoke that seemed to pump through ther veins instead of blood
I’ve always been good at saying a lot without meaning it
lies sweet like honeycomb that I feed my lovers instead of truth
and you know this
as you’ve read the novels of my sorrows many nights
and even if I think I’m electric I’ll still find myself standing too close to the edge
driving too fast
drinking too much
but I’ve got to let you know one thing
and that’s although my eyes may dart everywhere but on yours
and I throw words like knives at your chest sometimes
you’re the purest thing I’ve found
and there’s no one else I’d rather spiral out of control with than you

I used to choke on those words like bile
Stinging my stomach like acid on flower petals
And he was there
Eyes lit from a cigarette stolen from his father
And my favorite lighter
But I didn't even need that flame to feel so hot
Blood boiling and palms ablaze
And I've read stories of what love is supposed to feel like
A punch to the face
A bee sting on your heart
We had that
We had it in the sense that my hatred for your grin spiraled out of control every night
Was this what love was supposed to feel like?
Like pouring my soul into the dirt?
You were this dark thing I kept hidden under blankets
Failed attempts of keeping your drunken gaze off of my collarbones
Always willing to bite
Never wanting to hold me after you've taken all you need from my neck

I've told you about him
My sad excuse for a pair of hearts
And you listen
You always listen
And when I'm with you I feel so calm
Dancing under street lamps at 4 AM while I keep pushing our goodbye back further
And further
And further
Until both our eyes are deep heather and we yawn between kisses against the fence
You make me feel like I'm home
And I'll curse anyone who ever tries to tell a girl that love is something otherworldly
That she should be fighting battles constantly with her ocean boy in an attempt not to sink
With you I don't even worry I'll drown
I can breathe underwater now
Swimming lazily through your kind words
Where everyday feels like Saturday afternoons in June
I can say those words all the time now
I love you
I love you
I love you
No longer coughing on them like something caught in my throat
Never again regretting every touch you think I won't notice
Every whisper I pretend not to hear
Because in the dark he held me as if I was going to leave
I had no choice
He had seven hearts scattered in his body
Torn pieces from previous heartbreak and broken promises
And he didn't love me
He loved someone breathing next to him in case he didn't want to anymore
I was anchored to him
His constant reminder that there was someone there

You're so different I can't describe it
When you kiss me I don't even want to pull away except maybe to peek at your green eyes for just a second
You laugh at stupid things and you put so much thought into everything
Like I used to do for him with no avail
Like I do now for you
And I feel every misplaced hand needs an explanation
And the words I choke on always have stories deeper than most would associate
But everyday I am set to show you how much you mean to me

And I know one day we'll live together
Singing along to wolf howl melodies every full moon
Long walks getting lost in concrete jungles
I miss you already
And I've never missed someone so much that even an echo of your name will plummet me deeper into heartache
I don't know why I'm so distressed when I know I'll return to you
Your arms outstretched as a welcome
Your smile just as bright
And I'll melt inside at the way your nose will scrunch up when you laugh at my stupid jokes
And in the dead of night in my constant attempt to get closer to you it will hit me
Not like a ton of bricks
Not like a freight train
But like the spark of skin when it brushes up against another hand
Like not realizing that there's a ladybug on your thigh until you see it
And then it's legs are the only thing you feel
Like coming home and finally realizing what it's like to sink into someone and feel loved

It's a new level of age
To forget that the weather changes day to day
And as she looks out behind curtains much older than I am she comments on the rain
"Like blood,
Splattering sidewalks
Drenching us in sorrows
Sylvia
My Sylvia
High noon and her heart was in a novel of faraway lands
I miss her more than life
I miss her more than I miss the sun"
But clouds always pass
And the ****** scene patios dry up under the lights
Removing any evidence that we'd been soaked in gods wrath
And I can remember her asking me about God
Clear as the day that breaks after a storm
She leaned in close
Breath hot from sherry and eyes a little wild for a woman of over a thousand full moons
"What do you think of God?"
I was struck
Never once had her lips spoke of anything holier than thou
She told me that God was a woman
Stormy hair and ocean eyes
"And I know she's waiting for me
Sprinkled in the mist
Hidden in lunar beams
I speak to her sometimes
But never does she coax me closer into the dark corner of this room
But when she does I'll be ready
Thin skinned from age
Ready for flight."
But she hasn't come yet
And you sit in that chair looking out that same window as the conifer dances in the breeze
And at night you cry yourself to sleep
Cursing that God who took your baby from you
"If she is a mother-
Why does she bring me this grief?
I want to hold my Sylvia
I love my Sylvia."

Soon I'll be far away again
the lapping shores the only thing keeping me from you
but you should know that I would swim oceans for you
even if it was just to see a glimpse of those blue mischievous  eyes
always the most beautiful in the setting city sun
How will I live knowing I won't awake with you entwined around me?

Where do the hours go?
With you I'm always losing track of time
I'm at your whim
Have I ever told you that I'm crazy?
That I'm a little bit deranged?

Baby
I'm losing my mind
Sweetheart
It's something about the way you laugh at stupid things
and make jokes just to hear a room beat with laughter
Your voice turns to a hum when I look at you sometimes
realizations like lighting striking me when you fall asleep
arm across my stomach like you're afraid I'll leave
because I've told you before how I learned from my mother how to run
and I'd been doing it ever since I realized boys stared at my waist
not ever listening to my words as I try to explain myself
****** hands hidden behind my back like a broken vase

My father told me that I was too beautiful for my own good
eyes alive  like the sky  at dawn the first morning you didn't sleep
hair wild as I slow down to look at the view
and he always got angry when I did that
stopped dead to stare at the fading pink light of a day coming to an end
You don't get angry
you  just stop and look at me with the same gaze I give that setting sun
and I swear
out of the corner of my misted eyes I see you smile
run your fingers through your hair as you wonder what I'm thinking
and I've always been afraid
afraid  that in the moments I spend with you that you realize
that you see that I'm thinking of one thing only
you
and I stare at the street lamps far below a little longer
tempting you to find out how much I really love you
to come closer and ask me what runs through my aching heart
but you  keep your distance
I wonder if you just know that later when my speech is clouded I'll say it
as I always do in the early hours of the morning
smoking out my deepest secret like trying to coax a ghost

I wish your lips weren't so protective
holding in lovesick notes even when drinking the clearest false securities
and she wants us to go far away
and when you express how fond you are of her company she looks down
everyday I see her I realize how similar we are
twin stories of mismatched fears and wanderlust
does she know about the way I claw at your skin as if looking for a way in
bruised ribcage under lust stained sheets
she used to eye me like I was a panther inching closer
irises daring her kin to set me off
but I'm no time bomb
and I think she sees that now

I'll always remember the time I realized I loved you
the first time, at least
it was too quick to know
and I was far too invested as you watched me glare at you past branches
only to fall asleep with my hair tangled in your fingers hours later
does time pass differently to you when I'm asleep next to your waist?
fluttering eylashes onto your knees like tiny dancers
I wonder if you ever notice the soft skin peaking under my shirt and sigh
thinking about how you'd long to slowly take off my clothes in the dark
teeth hitting bare skin of my collarbone as if I'm prey you've finally caught

I think of endings a year in advance
I always have, as if everything is terminal the second I say "I love you"
maybe that's why I don't say it
maybe I just assume with every lost memory I discover like a shipwreck
and ever passing whisper I recall
you see how entranced I am
my whole existence has bits of you like gems within it
or possibly they all encompassed you already
and the paint hadn't chipped enough to reveal you yet

When you're sad you sing songs to me about Venice
and the way your mother used to wear her hair to her shoulders
orange milky light stained every window like melted gelato
and you wondered if you'd ever find a girl who's heart was Murano
all lit up in the night like a summer sweet dream
when the air is hot and everyone's cheeks are a little red
their hair curly from the salty spray of the sea
you'd mark her neck until it looked winestained

but you appear  so sad when you tell me these stories
a faraway look in your vacant mind

I could be your merlot skinned girl
I can have eyes like the italian hills
rolling into the horizon
always having you search for the tallest one
Let me be your Venice
Let me be your home

My nights are mine and mine alone
And your heartbreak soaked thoughts shouldn't have to entice a deeper feeling just because I love you
But the devil is in your heart
under every inch of your skin
Someone told you long ago that you could cut him out
But I think they meant with words and not with blades
Your memories are shallow
And I often catch myself wondering if you're just speaking of your dreams
Because my boy is flesh
He's green eyed with messy hair
Lips that wander
Your boy is only awoken after I've mentioned mine
As if it's sirens singing in your head that to be worth something you must have lust struck eyes
And a soul that knows no permanent visitor
You blame me
And I know you blame her
And we both run relay
With the wind always nipping at my ankles as she talks you down from your ledge
Moon drenched skin and the smell of smoke
It's not fair you always get to cry wolf even though I'm the one inches from its ****** teeth
It's not fair you get to love me more than he does

Mornings are far lonelier than nights
For although I awake before dawn I speak no words except maybe a half hearted hello to a passerby
And I smile not unless someone puts themselves out there to greet me first
To put yourself out there in the rising sun is to expect the best of everyone
Because I am not a morning person
But how could they possibly know?
Mid afternoon you emerge from slumber
Sending me drowsy greetings without the knowledge of my current state
But how could you possibly know?
The start and stop of the buss pulls on my heartstrings like a harp
Giving me the false notion I'm closer to a destination where I can finally rest my head again
It's as if the driver has chosen to prolong this journey to its highest extent
An attempt to get me to realize how precious this life I've been given is
But if anything it makes me worse
And blank faces surrounding me only remind me more of my insignificance
But how could he know?
I love the way the cold light hits my right cheek
Always causing me to squint it away as if I don't want it
But I do want it
Morning light has always been my treasure
A feeling of clarity I wish I could bottle and bathe myself in when the night comes
As it always does
With dark cornered thoughts
As it always does
With a star sprinkled grin and swollen milk moon eyes
And everyone who says their heart is stone is lying
And everyone who says they're happy to be breathing is telling that same old tall tale our parents have said to us since we could understand what it meant to be lonely
Because in reality we're somewhere in between
Constantly fumbling for that light switch in our mind to turn our thoughts off
But I'd be lying if I told you that these are truths I myself hold to the highest importance
And even though it all will pass like the minutes I wait for an excuse to laugh
How could I know?
How could I know?

I have a bad habit of sticking my head out of windows that don't belong to me
swallowing smoke in the cold as I try to validate this existence
the setting london sun has never been this orange
and I can vividly remember you saying how wherever I go I seem to drink the color around me in a slapdash effort of being the most beautiful thing in the room
and it doesn't work
it never works

But now it's him
and suddenly I'm looming over his warm body
ripping everything off that isn't skin
when god split us apart did he keep the notes he made on how to put us back together?
because I hate this cold separation
and I don't care if people stare at my neck
the painting you left on my fleshy canvas
and I don't care if you don't feel as much as this ash filled heart
because I'll stay up late writing down everything you make me feel
you sleep so close to the edge of your bed I worry you'll fall
would bruises bring you more comfort than your arm around me?
listen to this
my sad ramblings in attempts to try and love you less
I don't appreciate it when you look at me like that
with your mischievous eyes
Why do people say they fall in love?
I'm being dragged
weighed down with every nice word and warm embrace

Everyone has a story they tell when they've had one too many
I listen to them like radio shows on a forgotten channel
and if you hang around someone long enough you see how they change
I don't ever want to be your drunken tale
the girl who loved you too hard you got scared
the girl who felt everything with such intensity you fled  

This love is deeper than any cut I've ever had
they could severe both my hands and it wouldn't be as painful
because you know my tendency to overthink
and every goodbye could be final
I try not to let it get to me
when I'm alone and the only light is that filtered yellow from streetlamps

I can't help but notice you don't look at me when you sing
but instead close your eyes as your fingers speak more than your words
more than any message you've ever left me at 2 AM
I can't help but notice how you're all I seem to think about

Corridors lined with paintings
but all I seem to stare at is you
Rooms full of music
I just want to listen to you
My current self curses my past at the memory of her lust filled wants
Such a stupid little girl
unaware of the tidings love would actually bring down upon me
like hellfire
like hail
now even organic connections don't do you justice
because no offense to the moon, sun, or all of the stars
but you're more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed
I just wonder if you feel the same

Lurking in the shadows
Their eyes as yellow as rays of moonlight
They wait for me with the knowledge that star studded nights call on me
more often than friends
and tonight is a rhinestone studded leather jacket
one I cannot fathom missing a chance to try on

From the forest they'll watch me
teeth glistening as they run their tongues over each molar
saliva and anticipation both dripping from open jaws
as they watch me come closer the leader of the pack speaks
he is large
and knows a lot more than I do
at least that is what he tells me
and I listen
I always listen
for my eyesight is not very keen
I can't even throw words without having them stick to the wrong people
but my ears are alert enough to hear crickets in thunderstorms
there are many crickets tonight
and their symphony is lulling
but I am only listening to the wolves voices,
as what they say is important

"How are you?" he asks
even though we both know he does not care
there is one thing on his mind,
the answer to the question he asks every night
the thing that keeps him awake
I am the prey he has yet to catch

I sigh,
and kick at broken bones at my feet
the rest of the pack is impatient
and near the back a pup is silenced as he begins to cry out
I know the answer he wants
but it is not the answer my tongue itches to give
my heart and head want different things
as they are both aching and want it to end

The wolf wants me dead
he has from the beginning
It used to only be in the night
now it seems to have found my way into my veins
and I cannot even look to the sun without imagining his eyes at my throat
when I am trying to sleep he will whisper threats
always in the form of sweet nothings
as if trying to ****** me

My lips part and I am about to speak
but there is a light that makes itself present above us
the sun is rising
and I can see the wolves squint
this has happened sooner than they expected
in the morning light different thoughts awake
I begin to question why I'm out of bed

It is as if my daytime self is different than my nighttime self
and at the sight of sunbeams my nighttime persona snarls
my daytime heart has taken over
and suddenly I am afraid,
an emotion that my night body does not feel

I turn back to the mouth of the forest
but the wolves are gone
and for the what seems to be the first time in my life
I am happy to be alive

From the shadows my night soul tries to warn my current state
it will not last
and the wolves will be back at dusk
the same question on their tongues

A glass of water, twenty sit ups
I like the way you eye me like candy
yet avoid me like a time bomb
five minutes until detonation
six minutes to figure out what to say when I am near you

A walk around the neighborhood, one house with it's lights on
Some people say “I love you”
You say “Go to sleep”
they mean the same thing
but I'm not tired

A crooked chin, thirty minutes late
You only talk to empty chairs and darkness
You only love things from 1978
I could be your ghost
if you want me to

A tear stained face, two parents who don't care
“It gets a little lonely, pretending to want to be alone”
I only get up early on days you say you'll be there
Why does it always end up that I am on my own?
Always?

A calendar from last year, three bruises on my neck
What is your favorite type of silence?
Mine is the kind when everything that can be said has been spoken
The kind where no one has an excuse anymore
No more secrets

I don’t know how to start this.  When I was 11 my family all piled into our old blue minivan and drove down to florida.  I remember the beach.  The waves.  Around lunch the waves got so high they’d touch the window of my bedroom back home.  They crashed almost relentlessly.  Hitting you harder and harder until all you tasted was salt.  Today was like the breath you got between waves before being shoved back under the water.  I really don’t know how to ******* start this.  When I was 4 my dad was on a business trip.  This was before my mom got ‘better’, you see. It was when she was still ‘sick.’  My baby sister was still that, just a baby.  1 I think? 2? A bottle of wine later and she’s passed out on the floor. I’m not good at writing, I’m sorry if this is choppy.  I didn’t know what to feed her, my sister.  She cried for 3 hours.  I don’t think I slept.  5 hours ago my mother cried in a doctors office as a lady whose name I can’t remember told her that my childhood was probably the cause of my issue.  It is 2 in the morning and I can still hear my mother crying from her bedroom.  I told her I have only been feeling this way for a year or so.  I have been feeling this way since I had to explain to my 2 year old sister why mummy wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon.  I have been feeling this way since a boy in third grade called my mother a ‘drunk’ on the playground I have been feeling this way since 4th grade when my mother couldn't come to the mother/daughter dance because she had AA I have been feeling this way since the first time the girl who lives next door brought up my mother and how she ‘was awful’ and how she ‘wouldn’t blame me if I hated her.’  I’ve been feeling this way since I heard my mother say that exact ******* thing 5 hours ago.  “I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”  Well that’s where you’re in luck, mother dearest.  Because that’s the thing about my little ‘problem.’  It’s not you who I’ll blame, it’ll be me.  Every night.  Every morning.  Every waking hour.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so ******* sorry.

Summer nights long forgotten filled with sticky air and ***** feet.
Nights that didnt begin until 10 pm.  
I was always the ghost when we played ghost in the graveyard,
running to the same hiding spot among the wheat every time.  
All I could hear was my breathing and their screams as they pretended to look for me and very quickly give up
I picked at grass for hours as the moon inflated and the air tricked you into thinking it was December and not August
  They would always start a bonfire and tell stories and laugh.
I have scars on my feet from running so fast down that dirt road,
always just stopping before hitting the interstate.  
I was only 10.  I still believed in belonging.

I am always the ghost on friday nights.  
Empty invites,
“come back to my place for a few drinks, my parents are out of town.  Everyone’s coming.”
Just take me home.
Please just take me home.
Don’t look at me like that.
My house is the third on the right.

The girl I made a blood pact with won’t look at me in the hallway.  
The boy I held as he cried about his father sits with a girl I know he can’t love.
I have friends, oh I have so many friends.  

We used to run through the forests like our soles were on fire.  
Little did we know soon it wouldn’t be just the skin under our feet that was burning.  
We used to pretend we had super powers.  
She used to say she could make force fields,
and I don’t doubt for a second that when she refuses dinner and goes to her room early that a force field is exactly what she has made.  
He said he was so strong he could lift buildings,
now he can’t even lift his eyelids as we make eye contact across the lunchroom.  
I said I could talk to animals and now I speak more to my dog than to my father.  
We said we had superpowers.  
Everyone has a superpower.
I don’t even have to be drunk not to feel anything.

I was voted most likely to rule the world by my class.
I didn’t even think people knew I existed.
I talk to a boy who is so far away and as he claims he will see me soon I can’t help but think the future he speaks of when he’s high is nothing but a pipe dream.
Doesn’t he know that I’m destined to rule the world?
Doesn’t he know I have superpowers?  
Doesn’t he know that on that night they forgot me 7 years ago I learned that my home wasn’t on the right?
Or the left?
Doesn’t he know that I’m lost?

First it was simply tape
He feebly tried to attach himself to my mind in attempts to make his words stick
But they never lasted long
And I would kiss him in the dark
And he would leave before the first hint of light made my eyes squint
My mother whispered about him as he came and went
My summer ghost who lived where I would let him
And I don't think it counts as love when you're not even awake for most of it
After that drunken confession I was uprooted
Free to be the wind
Winding through the holes in people's bones in an attempt to feel warm
But even the hottest of fires sometimes aren't aware of the heat they give off
He came next
With three nails and a hammer
But his father never taught him that to love a girl you must know her
And in the end it was inevitable that he would spend most our nights wondering how it could have gone better
And I know I ****** him up
He built that ladder for me with everything he had
And in the end I never came down
Because I was an ocean and he was stranded
I'm deeper than him
Deeper than his shallow pools of lustsick thinking
Now it's you
Does God know you stole from him the very substance that he used to piece me together?
Because so far you're the only thing that's stuck
And rooms aren't forests anymore
And they aren't seas or deserts
They're just rooms that I can walk across to sit down next to you
And I wish I wasn't so **** stubborn
Because when I turn my head away in the night I know deep down you wonder if it's something you did wrong
I'm not afraid to love
I'm afraid to be loved
You're like a child
Stealing candy from a store
At least that's what I told myself to make me feel better about the fact you always know when something is wrong
In reality you're just made of what I'm made of
And I'm not quite sure what that is yet
But I know with you I'll figure it out
And I know with you that all my past thoughts of love were based on how I thought I was supposed to feel
I thought I was supposed to dread the other half of me
That it was normal to cry in the fading dusk as I walked in circles wondering if I could ever bring myself to touch him
Now it's as if I can't get close enough
And every boiling morning my hands run down your back like I'm searching for a way in
Desperately clawing at doors without handles
That February morning was warm
As if the sun knew that I'd want it to last a lifetime
And you helped me down from that pedestal
Slowly
But surely
And you let me fall asleep on your lap even when I had no idea what commitment even was
With your forefinger you smudged my boundaries of friendship and love
Because like oil and water I thought all my life it was best to keep them separate
I'm Medea
And to concoct the perfect poison of all of my wishes would be suicide
It makes me laugh now
Because I drink it every night as I watch you play
Sweeter than any alcohol but I can assure you the burn is far worse
Smoother than any cigarette but I can assure you the lightheadedness that follows is more intense than that night I sat in the forest with people I barely knew the names of as I laughed to jokes I didn't understand
I love you
And I want to say that I love you
Because I know you love me
Even if those words have never left your lips
And we tease each other relentlessly
I love him
You love her
Always dancing around what we are like hot coals
I find it funny how I can write a novel simply about the way you look up when you're trying to remember something but I can't bring myself to say those three words
I think it's because I'm so used to saying them that they don't do how I feel justice anymore
Which is why people ask me why it was so easy to cut him from me
And I shrug as I hide my wire cutters behind my back
I buried my tools that night on the hill
The night I told you everything
Like I was writing it down
Except this time the paper was breathing next to me
I think everyone should have something as sharp as their wit to cut people from them
Because even though there's something so beautiful about an oak looming over you with tendrils and roots up to your knees
There's something more hopeful about a freshly planted seed
Because you can't see it
But you know it will be wonderful
And I've realized I don't need to have something beautiful to shade me
It's easy to waste the day away sat under a canopy of leaves
But to grow something is harder
And that's what we're doing
And I know it will be better than anything I've ever done before