Today I saw a photo of you
Holding a little puppy and smiling
And your hands were in its fur and I looked a second too long at them
And I found myself thinking how much I love your palms
And the creases in them
And how soft your fingertips are
And how you are one of the only people
With hands smaller than mine
Small and perfect and smooth, like a child's.
And the force of how much I love you
Crept up behind those thoughts
And crashed through in a wave
And I looked away, chagrined,
Embarrassed to have such beautiful thoughts
About somebody who won't even speak to me.

You tell me you're empty
And I know you want my sympathies
My acknowledgement of the problem
But all I can give you is the gawking gaze
Of a child on his first trip to the zoo
Leaving smudges on the snake tank as he tries to fathom
How something could be so alien and smooth and powerful.
You tell me you're empty
And all I can think is
That I have not a moment of my life to compare that to-
A day without suffering, without pain or danger,
Without that or joy so intense it tips right back over into treachery
I have no memory of any such day
To draw from for empathy.
I stand and stare at you
Empty you
And I know your sadness should be respected
And I know I shouldn't wonder so perversely
What it must feel like
Not to feel
But I can't help it
I feel like I'm standing on the other side of glass
Staring into the beady eyes of a boa constrictor
Wondering irresistibly
What its embrace must feel like for the mice it devours.
I know you are suffocating
But I
Am drowning
And I wonder
What empty feels like.

step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.

Concrete walls to keep me in check
And make us all conform to your laws
And teach us responsibility
Grinding normality into our skulls
Grinding on my nerves
They never got to heal
Every brush of skin
Makes me feel the walls close in
No music to soothe
To block the noise
Inside or out of my head
180 more days
The expect a 180 degree turn
In my behavior from last year
But all I can do is stare
And dream of the woods

There is something between us
Something which is indefinable and inexplicable.
Something unimaginable and something just so fantastic that it can't be defined or even
Written down.

therefore...
Here I stop

There are a lot of things I'm uncertain of
And I never pretend to know
There are a lot of things that I'm scared of
But I never allow my fear to show

There are times when I want to break down
But who's going to lift me up?
There are times I want to confide in someone
But who is there to trust?

There are times when I want to love
However, I have no one to give my heart to
There are times I don't mind sharing my space
But I rarely follow through

There are times I'm confident in myself
There are times I'm insecure
I have times when I'm content with my life
But most of the time I'm craving for more

Right now I'm feeling that it's time I set all of my fears free
Right now I feel that it's time I truly embrace my destiny
It's time I leave my past behind and go after that more
It's time that I embrace my future, it's time that I explore

They said his steps sounded like the ticking of a time bomb.

Her knees were in the dirt.
Blood, sweat and tears filled the earth,
and the sky cracked open.
Come closer, it said.
She shook her head, remembering the slow steps of her father’s father. The yellow fingers that toyed with the fabric between buttons,
The bruises that she wore on her abdomen.
The fear.
The pain.
It’s all the same,
it’s all the same.