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Jul 2020 · 105
Untitled
Connor Jul 2020
In keeping my heart prisoner in a cage of ivory
I've developed Stockholm syndrome for the confined spaces of my chest cavity
Coming to love the security of being in a place too small to move
Forgetting the meaning of the word claustrophobia
Claustrophobia ivorycage Stockholm
Jun 2020 · 176
Every Agonizing Moment
Connor Jun 2020
It's better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all
I'm calling *******.
To have someone convince you to let them hold your fragilest parts?
Then look you in the eyes as they let them fall to the floor?
Leaving you wondering why you weren't enough?
When my bed is cold from the lack of your body heat?
How about not being able to stop seeing you missing from every new memory?
I'd definitely log those under "never having loved at all"
But wouldn't I do it again, wasn't it all worth it?
For the way you cradled my head in your arms humming softly as I fell asleep?
Learning from you the meaning of passion?
Falling deeper and deeper in love every second I saw you smile?
Singing our hearts out together in every car ride?
Yes.....
Yes, it was worth every agonizing moment
May 2020 · 407
A Home
Connor May 2020
A house is not a home until it becomes comfortable
A home is something you build
A home is something that when people it they breathe it in and say that is absolutely....
You,
that it's everything that encompasses you
everything that could ever mean
You
and that's what I want to be for
You
I want everyone to look at us and say wow you are perfect for each other
all the little nooks and crannies are filled with all the right things
love and dreams
any cracks in the walls accentuated perfectly
Flaws becoming perfection
everything I see in my home is perfection
because I see in you everything
I want to be comfortable with
You
I am most comfortable with
You
I want you to be my home
The home that my heart yearns to go to every night
the home that I miss every second that I am away
The home that I can always call my own and never be afraid to be true to myself and to you
Connor May 2020
I was under the impression that even with this crippling depression I could count on the thought of you to keep me from my regression into the pain that is felt when you are absent
I was wrong.

 I just wanted to hold you in my arms, I was so scared of letting go, I watched as you walk away, leaving me to my thoughts alone
Thinking I'm not good enough.

These thoughts, a Tsunami, its destruction attempting to tear apart my life, taunts and seeks control over me. But I, desperately waiting for you, resist them.

I have been searching for what I could say that would bring you to love me again. I try to call out to you begging for an answer begging for you to come back.

But I know you won't. the nature of the comfort you sought has brought you into another's heart

But I need you!
I need you to tell me!
I need to know why!
Why I wasn't enough?!?
Why did you leave!?!?
come back....
 please....

Be the one who accepts me.....
Just like you promised.....
May 2020 · 117
To Be With Her
Connor May 2020
I see the light in her eyes while she gazes into mine as we fall asleep
I feel the rise and fall of her breath on my neck as she nestles closer to me
Her heartbeat echoes with mine
Lying there losing track of time
Our fingers intertwine and I press my lips to her
With the entirety of my heart I whisper I love you 
Her lips curl to a smile, they part to speak...
Eyes open, the alarm goes off....
It's time to wake up.
May 2020 · 253
Empty Addiction
Connor May 2020
I am silenced by sadness and held captive by the fear that everything will go wrong.....
I wasn't always like this but circumstances demanded I experience pain
But they gave me an overdose and now my mind is comatose
Void of all feeling I crawl through this life of mine on hands and knees
My broken skin letting the blood flow, weakening me even more
And I find I'm addicted.
Addicted to the encompassing emptiness ever present in me because of this.
If I am empty then I am nothing
If I am nothing
Then nothing can go wrong and then what will I have to fear
May 2020 · 146
Poison
Connor May 2020
We take it to forget the fear
We take it to pass the sadness
We take it to quiet the mind
We take it to dull the ache
We take it to find the peace
But above all
We take it to erase the pain
May 2020 · 133
Unfinished Masterpiece
Connor May 2020
I consider myself an impression of art....
Not the art you see in the museum's or the galleries
But the ones left unfinished and imperfect
The blank end of the canvas
The absence of completion
I am each erased line, the unsteady brushstrokes, and every mistake that leads to the Masterpiece.
I'm a work in progress
May 2020 · 283
A Familiar Vice
Connor May 2020
I will sit and light this cigarette
Smoke burning in my eyes so I have an excuse to cry
It's a habit you had me quit
But now that you've quit me
I needed to find something familiar again
Apr 2020 · 87
A Beautiful Lie
Connor Apr 2020
I can't run from the pain of loving you, I have come undone once again.
I want you so badly that I'm willing to compromise on who I am for you to be more interested in me
Tell me life is beautiful and I'd believe the lie, as long as it were spoken through your lips
Tell me the world is purple and I would look through eyes of lilac petals
I was overly in love entirely too quick I happily broke my back to pick you up from the ground each time you fell
But when I faltered, when my steps became unbalanced when I stumbled to the floor
You kept walking without a second glance, taking a new hand to hold you up
Apr 2020 · 159
Curse
Connor Apr 2020
Love, is the only cures that we wish upon ourselves every single day.
Apr 2020 · 78
The Same
Connor Apr 2020
I'm the same as anyone else, I smile,I laugh, I go to work.
People around me see a friend, happy and excitable
I'm the same as anyone else.
As the hours go by, my smile fades and my laughter becomes quiet
Dragging myself down for sleep I lie in bed as the aching dread begins to surface
I'm the same as anyone else
I feel the flooding shadows of what use to be
When you were lying next to me
Our bodies intertwined
Legs pretzeling together
Arms wrapped around each other like boa constrictors
Heaven could not have been closer
Or so I believed...
Did I hold you too tightly?
I wonder if I backed off would you have been relieved?
Did I say I love you too soon?
I only said it because I ment it
But you couldn't handle the pressure
Of our relationship so you
Twisted and contorted
Wriggling your way out of my arms and into another's who wont EVER be able to you hold properly
Does he know that you love the smell of lilac but Purple Orchids are your favorite?
Will he fully appreciate how beautiful your eyes are when you are just about to fall asleep?
Will he notice how your nose scrunches up when you really smile?
How your ears turn red when you get embarrassed?
Will he play connect the dots with your freckles?
Or count each one with a kiss?
I'm the same as anyone else.
I wish I was unique in this, I hate to know that others have experience this same thing
......
I'm the same as anyone else.
Apr 2020 · 164
Gladiator
Connor Apr 2020
You stand victorious, the crowd cheers your name.

The sound, like a wave upon the shore.

You walk, the broken lying around you like fallen branches.

Flashes of the battle that just ensued.

You were surprised it lasted as long as it did.

But as the dust settles you think to yourself "How the hell did I survive..... again?"
Apr 2020 · 272
Curse? ...... Yes.
Connor Apr 2020
Love is the only cures that we wish on ourselves every single day
Connor Apr 2020
Love is like falling face first, while your hands are full

In the beginning you're thinking,
"oh my God, this can't be happening"
Your mind racing, frantically jumping from one thing to another trying to find a salutation

But as you fall, there's a single precious moment where you know you've completely lost control.

In that moment you can live for near eternity

Weightlessly drifting toward the earth, knowing full well that what comes next is going hurt like hell

And there's really nothing you can do to stop it
Apr 2020 · 94
Glass Promises
Connor Apr 2020
You promised me we wouldn't fight
But the words you used like ammunition in a machine gun, were not ones of love
 You promised me everything would be alright
But now we're sleeping separately
 You promised me our future was bright
But all that I can see are dark days ahead
 You promised me that we would talk
But your silence is speaks louder than your tongue
 You promised me I was your everything
But apparently everything was your code for nothing
 You promised me your love
 You promised me a home in your arms
 You promised me...
 You promised me you'd never break your promises
 With all these broken promises I should leave , but I keep quiet and still believe you
Now Im just another broken piece, like all the promises you swore to keep
No one deserves this pain

— The End —