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480 · Dec 2015
Bunch Of Lies
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Bunch Of Lies
I'm tired of hearing you talk

whining of what can't ever be

Boy please save it

I've heard it all before

Ya sound like a broken record

Repeating yourself over and over

Did you know everything is always "I"

Haven't ya heard there's no "I's" in TEAM

Complaining so much all the time of

What someone has done to "you" or didn't give to you

Did you know

You're always pointing your finger towards what another has done

Complaining how someone else was the one

it's just never because of you

Well blame me if you must

I really don't give a ****

I'm not going to change for you

or do the **** you think I ought to

Sadly you've assumed my life revolves round you

You talk of everything I've done

Like I held you hostage with a gun

As if I can make anyone do a **** thing

This is where we're so completely

different

Your claim of gaining a backbone

as if I've ever stopped you

My faults are my own

I have a daily reminders

So I surely don't need you constantly

making sure I know where I've went wrong

You want friendship  which isn't a problem but

don't make it seems as if I'm begging
for it
or
I'm the whole reason you left

You've planned on it way before the fight

Because I wasn't giving in to your demands

not allowing myself to suffer again

If it's part you and me

Why is it

My flaws are always talked of & pointed out

My deeds always mentioned & not forgiven

I wonder do you ever look to what you've done

You assume you've only hurt me

with your lies  & empty promises

Stole & took some of the best parts of me

Children are like eyes

Their the windows to our souls

So coldly where You
with an empty heart

You walked away
&
Left them in pain

And think things will be different

Forgive and forgotten huh

Well I'll tell you what

When I see a man

The one so long ago
who knew right from wrong
&
Cared enough to be better then this

Maybe I'll change my thinking

But until then You'll

Be just another guy

who fed me & the kids

A bunch of

LIES!

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
I have too many ppl this can & is more likely directed to, it fits for so many even some woman in my past and some ppl in my present life, i watch listen and see whats what no more believing in anyone's words if their actions don't or fail to be dutiful/fruitful....

Ramblings of a bitterly insane  woman.....
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473 · Dec 2015
If You Have It....
Ayeshah Dec 2015
If You Have It....
Didn't you know who I was

and  who I am

Didn't you beg for me
to do this man

Stop playing
atop of everything  else

A shame

a **** shame

You're  caught and it's really messed up

I said I'd do it

but you didn't wait

You  took what I made

and  ya didn't even ask

Why
when you  know I'd share

Wait I know it's cause

You're  selfish

Now you owe me
another
CAKE

CHOCOLATE
if you have it please
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Lol I was thinking of how some ppl eat ya food after asking u make it but ***** they didn't even share with u. *** story of my life when it comes to my cooking and or baking!  I feel like saying this all the time but I just smile and let em eat it.  Enjoy but next time save me SOME!
Continue reading...
472 · Dec 2015
IT'S ONLY
Ayeshah Dec 2015
IT'S ONLY
You've learned to mimic emotions
despite your inability to actually
feel a ******* things

I scream*  
 I Love You

Please don't do this

While being held tightly in your embrace
like iron rods wrapped round me

I see in your eyes
someone I no longer know
the illusions gone & the mask has fallen

I see the real you

too late

oh

its too late

too late for me

We seemed so happy together  
becoming one  
I was falling for you

I didn't listen to my woman's intuition

You have had this carefully plan out
every detail in advance

You have contingency plans in place
I'm sure of it

I have to fight but soon as the thought enters my mind
you slam me down

winds knocked out of me and my head spinning

Your quick movements
has me up against a tree trunk
I can feel the ropes
being tied tightly

I open my mouth to scream
beg & plead

swiftly you stick a rag in it

Guess you've really thought of everything
you know me too well

The streams taunting
me it's so inviting
if only.........

To late you're standing over me

I look up & you have this charismatic
charm about you as your smiling down at me

This is what caught my eye in the first place
that smile of yours

******

I should of know not to trust you
  One Year & Six Months ago

You're unremorseful
as I watch you dissociate emotionally
from all your actions taken place

Unremorseful of the feelings
I have towards you

I moan and you look at me
through me and
past my soul

chilling me as you walk closer

The stream is taunting me
it looks so inviting

Oh well

This is only

Only*

*A Story!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
AHAHAAHAHAHAHA
YUP just a story playing over and over in my mind! what shall happen to her? any ideas!
Continue reading...
469 · Feb 2016
AN EX!
Ayeshah Feb 2016
AN EX!
I don't believe in
what you believe in

I don't even think
the same as you do
There's

There's a reason
you're my ex
and
the reason
we didn't workout

I don't know
how many
times
I have to tell you

How many times
I have to say it

I think of all

the good times we had

and
I cherish all
the fond
memories

even the
bad one's

I don't understand
your concept

or your way of life

and
you definitely
didn't
understand
mines

Nor could you
comprehend
all the
loneliness
you left me in

You didn't
see all the
hurt you caused

I blame
myself
for staying

I blame
myself for
not believing

I blame myself

For wanting to hear
anything
to change our fates

Have my way
&
my own heart's content

The need to be
loved

was
greater
than the risk
of ya
fist

I conceded & consented

I didnt heed
the warnings


After all this time

I don't see you the same

I see the truth
and
what you really are

All the battle scars
of that relationship

We can't repair

In my minds eyes

  I see all the
misinterpreted behaviors

I allowed myself to believe
was something
other than
what you
always
tried to
show
me

I want no more

You've plainly
showed me it wasn't  
in my best interests to stay

Those vows
were only for the
worst
of our misery  

Combative  

Destructive

Compulsive

Yeah
compulsive
me  

You too & you first

Yeah toxins 
 of a toxic 
 misunderstood
relationship

3 times but my 1st  love huh

Makes no sense
Only to me & only to you

Me

Combative  

Destructive

Compulsive

Yeah
compulsive
me

Has anyone
ever asked
why

Have you
NO!

Yet
I'll tell you

It's because

You can't
love me

no one can

My mama
said so
and
I quote

" WHO COULD EVER LOVE YOU"

So you see

there's no
reason to try to speak

The reality is

I've been doome
since birth
and
No one can
change that

Our paths
crossed
again

it was fun

but
I have no answers

for your quest
or questions

cuz
I don't know
how and/ or who

COULD
  how it
feels to
*Love An Ex
(Egypts calling but I can't go!)
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Continue reading...
469 · Dec 2015
About You
Ayeshah Dec 2015
About You
Today like many days now
                                                   for at least
                                                 three hundred & sixty five days
                                         plus some more
                        I've thought about you

    I've thought of
        the many times
               you've made me smile
                  laugh and the few times
                            you've made me cry

                                        Today's an ordinary day
                                        but we've not ever been ordinary
                                more likes extraordinary
                yet I most of the time
didn't have enough in me
to give to you
   I loved you & love you still

                                    See this is my problem
                                                      and­ as I've been told
                                                         most man need to fix something
                                                       ­              No matter if it's emotional
                                                       ­                        mental and or otherwise
                                                       ­                                       You can't fix me
                                                      The support I craved
                                                          ­       you'd give in increments
                                                      ­               but gave none the less
                             Today like many days now
                                     I think about the times
                                                    spent mainly in the car
                                                             ­     how you'd sooth my fears
                                                                ­        or the time we got stuck by  
                                                            ­                          my house
                                                           ­                 but we made the most of it
                                                              ­    as we danced in the rain

                                                 I think of us and what we could of been
                                             if we'd of both let go
                                        just give in
                                yet too much happened
                        to the both of us
                       before we even knew one another
             star-crossed lovers before time met space
        and we drifted together like
a meteor colliding in space
          I often think back
                    on where we'd be
                        if I could of gotten
            myself together
    held my tongue
kept my anger in check
much more

Today like many days now
        for at least three hundred & sixty five days
                                            plus some more
                                                    I've thought about you
                                                            l­ike when we first made love
                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­     I doubt I'll ever forget the shock
                                                           ­                     of finding out you did
                                                             ­                 know enough
                                                          ­                          Your sweet word surely
                                                          ­                       wasn't just
                                                            ­               spoken
                                                          ­          out of lust

                      We made magic and made history
          a part of you & a part of me
     God made these things possible
oh how I think if ONLY

Today like many days now
                        I think of the passion we had
                                                          for one another
                                                         ­         the way you kissed me
                                                      in places that made
                                           my head spin
              sent chills down my spine
   and all over my body

I cried out over & over
              I remember every gentle touch and
                                         for me I'd of liked
                                                       to see you be a bit rough

                                                          ­                   Maybe just maybe
                                                                ­      I should of enjoyed it more
                                                            ­                                   allowed you to
                                                              ­          teach me something new
                                                             ­                              because now a days
                                                                ­                     I think back on it
                                                              ­                  and you knew
                                                            ­         yeah you knew
                                                           all the right things to do
                                     thing's I just wasn't ever used to
                      
                Today like many days now
                   I think of the ways we held each other
                      You more than me
                             have held me through-out
                                  the night
                                      whispering sweet word
                                            as you'd caress me to sleep
                                                       or saving me often from a bad dream
                                                     I  think back and see you in my            
                                            minds-­eye massaging all my pain
                                   and fears away

                                Often times reassuring me you'd never leave
                  I feel cheated out of these thoughts and all the
               beautiful memories we've made
        all the history we had and the many
we would have still
  if only I'd of changed sooner
          or if I'd had given in better
                     If I'd of allowed what you were offering
                                                  things­ would be so different
                                                       ­           I'm glad you're happy
                                                           ­                   content & in love
                                                            ­                     sharing our dream
                                                           ­      with a new lady love
                                                    OH  ­how I wish it was me still
                                      how I used to believe it'd be me again
                         I think on how I've waited jaded for you
         to come home
                 but you never did
                         and wont ever again
                       I'm no longer yours but

                      Today like many
                                      days now
                                                for at least
                                                         three hundred
                                                         ­      & sixty five days
                                                            ­plus some more
                                                                ­ I've thought
                                                                ­         About You
                                                                     Copyright ©
                                                          Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
                                                                     All right reserved
I forgive myself even if YOU never do and I also learned to forgive others, its still a work in progress but I'm heading to a better me and glad I've learned these lesson so the next one if ever i find another wont suffer from my bitter contempt. Thankfully I ain't looking for another just enjoying me!
#love #fear #desire #pain #lost #hurt #forgiveness #shame #longing
Continue reading...
467 · Nov 2014
CAN YOU MAKE THIS MAKE SENSE TO ME?!
Ayeshah Nov 2014
CAN YOU MAKE THIS MAKE SENSE TO ME?!
I've never deliberately
caused you pain,

a purpose
you've intentionally

left me in shambles....

Torturous love

fickle lustrous seducer

the root to all my evil misery....

Vulture revolting dictator

handing out punishments

for the way I feel for you.....

Can't you just hold me,
touch me tender

leave me waking
in delicious delirium,

instead of constantly
leaving me -

wanting,
needing & yearning.

I've never deliberately
caused you pain,

a purpose
you've
intentionally

left me in shambles....

Laugh
dead in my face

as
I confessed
my hearts longing...

The past isn't where
I live yet it haunts me

in my present
and
lingers there taunting
reminding me of the doom
I'll never escape....

You've helped me reminisce
captured us
in a time capsule,

where
we'd blissfully engage
on a lover's quest-

to conquer each others internal flame.

Somewhere along the way

the lines blended to where
You've forgot how important

I'm pose to be to you,
to where
I've failed to acknowledge

you have feelings too
and
men do cry
even if its on the inside

We've both forgot how
words leave wounds....

I cry
you leave
I fuss
you drink
I run
you chase

You drive away
I beg you back.....

In circles again & again
this pattern remains.

somewhere within us is still
the gentleman & his lady

this new us
we've accepted
must die
and
we become
the doting couple

let us
learn all over again.

Not this stranger you see
before you

or
someone
I've never seen
behave so reckless

where my utmost desires & feelings no longer are his concern,

bring me back & give me life.....

I've never deliberately caused you pain,

a purpose you've intentionally

left me in shambles....

Torturous love

fickle lustrous seducer

the root to all my evil misery....

Vulture revolting dictator

handing out punishments

for the way I feel for you.....

Can't you just hold me,
touch me tender

leave me waking in
delicious delirium-
come home,
come here & make love to me
or
CAN YOU MAKE THIS MAKE SENSE TO ME?!*

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
sometimes love or lust isn't enough, but for now it helps...
a lady can dream right?!?
Continue reading...
463 · Dec 2017
Home
Ayeshah Dec 2017
Home
My skins burns
where your hand scorched me with
* your touch
the weight of it lingers there
as if
your finger tips etched itself inside my
*DNA

The smell of you suffocates
me
that intoxicating scent
like an ever present shadow where
you
used to be

Walking down
these halls in this now quite
home *
wishing they'd talk but like  you their
silent*
dwelling
here empty in what used be us

The foundations cracked  
the paints chipping away
like faded memories of 
our first kiss

the cupboards doors need some work too  

I can't get the faucet to stop
leaking like my tears they fall overflowing
& I can't fix none of this

How do I mend
everything that's wrong &broken

Pictures hanging
crooked like the back patio steps

I almost fell
almost fell so hard
with no one to catch me  you
should of
tried
to catch me so many times

Because
I'd of broke my neck
like you've broken my heart

The foundations
cracked
the paints
chipped
chipping away

Even though
this house is falling apart
I'll find a way to fix it....

Maybe
then this house
will once more be
**HOME
I think he didn't want to fix it, fix us
these all are metaphors in case you didn't know the home / house is ME. I'll heal someday.
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Continue reading...
457 · Dec 2015
{It Changes People}
Ayeshah Dec 2015
{It Changes People}
I don't like this feeling of falling in love
                                                I like it better when I'm in control
                When I have more of a choice
                                                It'***** me hard
                The knowledge which comes with falling
                                See I get so*
insecure
                                            Blame my last few relationships
                    I was let down put down & lied to
                                                   I was dumbfounded and stuck right there
                                             I allowed myself to be
                                     beaten abused misused and cheated on
                                         over & more over again
        I don't even know why it's called falling in
                                        when it seems more like getting stuck
                        Shocked out of reality
                                                               well that's the way it seems for me
                                                    I don't like this feeling of falling in love
        I like it more when we're in the 1st stages of friendship
                When we're both still a mystery
                                            When You don't know me
                                                    Seems those beginning stages are
less complicated
                                        *I like how it feels to wait
To anticipate our first kiss
                                                     or  our the very first hug
                                                I like it best when we date and everything's  
                                   up for grabs
                Nothing's really mentioned
nor are we even truly serious
                                                        T­hings just flow and we're not rushing to be
            hurt
                                       I like it when we act like children well more like teens
                                                    We talk constantly and there's no reasons to fight
                            No dictatorship
        No consequences for our actions
                        No one to ever answer to because there isn't any rules
                Well there are a few mainly
RESPECT & do to others
                                                      as You'd wish them to do to YOU
 *Beside this there too many rules
                                                    No real reasons to be jealous or worry about a things
                                    Come & go as we please
        You have your home & I have mines
                            No worrying over whose to do what
                                    See this is why
I don't like this feeling of falling in love
            (It Changes People)
            *Copyright ©
                                                    Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved
I noticed long ago from life & past relationships etc, people get used to each other , we fail one another by forgetting to date each other and give to each other everything we have, not to gain anything beside maybe a smile a laugh or something positive like this, I know for me I continue to date whomever I'm with but seems they get bored things then become mundane and very mediocre then there is the cheating abuse and so many other problems, guess i know how to pick em huh lol Could very well be me too, but long story short its best never to forget we all are replaceable and we all must put in the work to keep the person we wish top have FOREVER! Deaths only thing that's for certain!
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454 · Dec 2015
On My Knees....
Ayeshah Dec 2015
On My Knees....
On my knees

once again

*I'm calling out for answers to questions  
a helping hand

I don't even know what to say

It's been sucha long time

sense
I've asked for anything
for myself

What I'm asking for is simple

All I request is peace

Heal me and allow me to live again

Not be fearful of the
"what ifs"

Let this time be worthwhile

Where I'll have
honesty 
 love & devotion

Loyalties a must
without it there's no trust

I come calling on you

begging for understanding
  &
forgiveness

GOD please

*I'm calling on you & only you can save me

help me

reach out & teach me

Please hear me
as
I bend my head and pray

On My Knees
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Continue reading...
445 · Nov 2015
About You!
Ayeshah Nov 2015
About You!
I love that you see me the real me and don't complain nor try to make excuses for many of  my short comings

I love that when I'm in a state of distress you hold me and let me hide in your embrace

I love that when I don't look my best you always find me the most beautiful  inside & out

I love that on most cold or chilli nights you let me tuck my feet up under your legs without me even asking

I love that you laugh with such a sing song melody I end up cracking up too

I love that even when I've burnt the food you've  said it's the best while making faces with each bite

I love that you're so playful and competitive when we play  cards or any board games even if you've never let me win

I love that forehead kiss you give me everyday wether your coming or going and how you say to me see you later mami

I love that you'll defend my honor no matter the size of the other guy like when the dude tried to get in my face and you told him to leave

I love that you've stood up to your mother to defend me and made it know we're what's best for each other

I love that you listen to me knowing I talk alot and knowing I babble even more when I'm nervous

I love that you quirk your mouth up ever so slightly when you're amused at something I've said

I love that you stare with such sensual  intensity at me when well you know when

I love that you argue with just as much passion as me specially when you feel you're right on a topic we've discussed

I love that only you can make my nightmares go away with a lil cooing and sweet words

I love that in our thrills of love making you stare boldly into my very soul and make my spirit ignite with each stroke of your massive.......

I love that you're not just my best friend and lover but you are my hero my therapy, my provider  advisor my love and everything I've prayed for GOD to give me

I love that you've never uses my past or mental health  against  me and wouldn't  dream of ever putting me down screaming in my face or anything to disrespect  me or harm  me

I love that you're in love with me and love me for all that I am and strive to be and you knowing I love u makes me love that*
ABOUT YOU!*
Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Continue reading...
440 · Nov 2019
Promised(tiny bit explicit)
Ayeshah Nov 2019
Promised(tiny bit explicit)
He promised*  to take me away to a place - where he could  *love me.

*Each time he touched me I believed in his words; in his world I felt safe

I was held in place with a promise ; with his touch.

His eyes witnessed the most vulnerable parts of me;
the me I hide from the world.

Why?

Why didn't he stop himself; why did he say the most ****** up **** to make me weak;

what's wrong with all this ;  what's wrong with me???

He doesn't forsake me.

Least not  in the middle of the night in those sweet moments.
He's stolen my mind;

it's filled with thoughts of him & images of us; us in the chair; us on the counter;

us up against the wall;

I'm delirious, my minds failing me just as my body betrayed me.

*With images of him - lifting me up; all the way up, my ; legs wrapped around his neck;

he stand there holding me as if I weight nothing - as he drinks his fill of my essence.

I moaned ;  he whisperers he loves me ,  he loves my body;  he tells me I'm  beautiful.

Why?

Why did he make this ugly...

His laugh resonates in my heart ; I hear it all the time ; he's not here though.

I don't know what to tell myself
and I know
now
*He was never here.

It's all just an illusion.

Because;

He promised*  
to take me away to a place- where he could
  love me.
( But I'm still here & he's not)
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
#betrayed #bitter #longing #hurt #lust #love
Continue reading...
425 · Oct 2015
NIGHTMARE!
Ayeshah Oct 2015
NIGHTMARE!
I woke in a panic,
a cold sweat
after all this time
I realized what was wrong
and*
I've no way to make a right what's happening...

I've  settled
out of fear of being alone,
settled
after being rejected & blatantly disrespected.

I long for the days I once had,
the life I once made,
I long for the unknown
yet I'm so afraid,

Afraid to move on
more then
what I've allowed myself to do...

I don't understand it myself
and feel so confused.

Laying awake until the next day
since
I'm always dreaming of
what we could be and have been.

I don't understand
how
I can still love you
after the devastation you've left here.

I have this notion of us
being
better than before
and moving past all the hurt...

I've even been told;
"a couple can separate for a very long time - like years and end up together."

I've thought that's what would happen for us,
but I have no trust,
You've showed
you can't be trusted,
and that's why I'm confused...

how do I still have feelings for you?  

Which I've thought I lost-- not locked away!

How is it you still can melt me to my core,
and
it's nothing there,
not for you or for me.

We've both moved on,
so how can this be?

GOD HELP ME PLEASE,

I've prayed this prayer over and over,
begging to let you go...

To forget about what once was and move on.

I've laid with another man,
took comfort in his embrace,
not even a thought of you while there,
and
I'm sure you've done almost the same,
You've hand plenty women or so I'd rather assume

Since evidently I never was enough for you

*I bet she's given
herself to you and
you've found love,
that I believe is what makes
the difference between me & you!

I have nothing left in me to give you.

Contradictions    
are
the fact that I have this
UN-abundant amount of love to give of me...
but feel I'd be crushed again
if I let in not just you- anyone.

I've pushed men away
because
I'm too scared,
so afraid...
that their going to be another you
or have similarities of you.

I can't bare the thought of being with you nor being with out you,

I refuse to allow another in to hurt me and devastate my life all over again!

I wanna wake up, I want to forget, mourn this bitterness, I need to let go of all the shoulda woulda & coulda...

what mighta been or the possibilities and all them filtered memories.

We've grown and changed and all I wanna do now is

WAKE UP FROM THIS ****** UP DREAM....
SLEEP WALKING THROUGH MY LIFE
LIKE A ROBOT DOING THINGS MECHANICALLY.

I hate what I've reduced myself to,
and for every little feeling I have towards you...

I'm always in a panic, a cold sweat...

You might come back may even come home,
oh my GOD
how I can't bare it, or you
because

You're my walking,breathing

NIGHTMARE!

*Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
I have moved on yet time and time again IM haunted by YOU!
Continue reading...
425 · Dec 2015
Contentious!
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Contentious!
I suspect
I would have
acquiesced
&
quietly  
halfheartedly
allow you
to take
ownership
over
a
contentious heart*

Your
acquisition
of this
wounded
vessel
has been obtained
but
the price ; pain

I've tried
so
many time
to
tell you
I'm
broken
empty
&
bitter.

There
isn't
any
help for
me
and
no room for
my
Contentious
*love
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
You'd lose anytime you try to love me; I'm toxic!
Continue reading...
422 · Dec 2015
Strangers
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Strangers
I don't like
these feelings
I'm so sick
of myself
for feeling how I do

I don't understand
how you can tell me
such sweet things

Promise me a better life
as long as
we're together
nothing
&
no one else matters

So many talks of
this
never ending love
you've
attained just for me

I'm your dream come true
your one and only

But You hold secrets
& blatantly
talk  to others
about me

Never have you said
one nice thing
in regard's to me

Whenever you've spoken
of me

It's been all the negatives
you've not mentioned your self
never about
your
WRONG DOINGS
&
not in front of me

Only all my problems
and how I make you feel

While taking advise from them
on us  yet not once
have you ever truly come to me


Keep talking to them and making it hard
let the advise you right out of my  life
& this here ****** up so called relationship

How funny
'cause you're pose
to be the one
to protect me
honor and cherish me

How can YOU ever
expect me to trust you
or believe in you ever again

when topic of discussions
have always been me
more so out of anger
yet none the less

I've never spoke
bad to anyone about you
even when given the chance to
I see no reason to do it EVER

so it'll only hurt the both of us
least that was my thinking

We're grown adults who have so many
ways to communicate
yet you rather
speak to others concerning me

You get a kick out of putting me down
& this helps how
by making fun of me or my mental

doesn't work either
not for me
or what we could of shared
so why do it and why hurt me

Everyone has issues  
complications and problems

The ones between us
could have been worked on

You'd rather
speak to others instead of me
lied to me right in my face
as you looked me in my eyes

Sadly-pathetically so
I believed you and
you betrayed me

Caused me to to fall for
an illusionistic relationship
a fictional reality

I had a desire to be loved
above all else

Thought I was chosen
out of an undying
unyielding love

I've come to find this
isn't true
and it's never gonna be

I'll FOREVER
play
second fiddle
like a
monkey in the middle

Tired seems to be all I am
and ever can be

Sick of this burning
longing
to belong
to have someone
I call home

Because
if home is where the heart is
then I ain't got one

Your heart
isn't even close anymore
to
being
my home sweet home

'Cause I don't have
no more room
for all this so called love
or
what you kept showing
to be your type of love

My undoing
was you proving

* I've been entertained
by your delusional
despicable
deceptions
of a falsified
made up
"relationship"

We can't ever be
what
you've just proved
we
aren't
and
always will be
completely & utterly  
STRANGERS!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
I never knew I was meant to be alone I used to think no matter what my past was  it wasn't my present and therefore I kept this belief that there was someone out there for me and I wouldn't give up hope or stop trying to allow love in, now I know I'm pose to be alone, I've tried this so called love thing and have fail & fallen too many time, I'm no longer interested in being loved i love me and my kids love me family and handful of friends i am content as is and rather not know this type of pain again.... yet when it finds me lol I wont fight it but i'll not go searching or looking I'm not even gonna wait for it.
I haven't FOR about 2years and have no reason to do so now, just thinking and venting, past has a way of making me feel some type way. thank you all for reading!
Continue reading...
421 · Jun 2014
CLOSE TO MDNIGHT...
Ayeshah Jun 2014
CLOSE TO MDNIGHT...
Close to midnight,

we danced,

our bodies pressed

so close

our heart's felt in sync

with each other,

I could smell your cologne.

I feel your palm on

the small of my back

and

I hug your neck closer,

you lean into me

as we dance

then you loosen

your hold,

only for a little while

and

look deeply into my eyes.

I see so many questions

in those  

sparkling-cinnamon-honey

eyes of yours,

yet unspoken,

as

I go to answer,

rain starts to fall.

  

We laugh

while becoming drenched

and

I melt to you,

you then twirl me around  again,

like children

we consume this moment

savoring this memory.

We both seem to

look at each other

all at once

with out

uttering a single word.

Right then

just like that

I knew you'd

be mines.

Right there

in a flash

I became yours.

I'll never forget

that moment

and

how time seem

to slow down

yet

close to midnight

we

DANCED!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present ©
(MY LIFE CHANGED)
#love
Continue reading...
410 · Apr 2015
SO SHALL I!
Ayeshah Apr 2015
SO SHALL I!
I can't take it another minute,
                        not another second or day,
I doubt everything you do and say
              since you've left.
                                  I told you,
          you'd do it
       the way
                       you've done it.
                              A shock?
                   NAW,
                     I knew it.
                                  Only surprised  
                     that you planned this
               & never planned for us to work.
            when I look at you
                                  all I see is regret
                                          &
                                        what could of been eternal bliss!
                   I refuse to allow resentment
              to settle in my bones,
                          Why didn't I listen to my heart,
                      mind & soul,
                                while it screamed NO-
              my body cried YES...
                              I cant deal with this and with YOU
            nor should I have to,
                                 I "could" withstand the silence,
                                the longing for you too
but this is unbearable
                 and cruel.
It's funny to you-
                   how this dilapidated heart's in shambles,
                          ruined over & over again
                             this time
                                                 You've caused havoc
                                worst then any other....
                                      I welcome the pain,
                      since it's something I'm so used to.
                                  "I'll never leave you"
                                Must of meant;
                                        until you'd get sick of this
                mental confused mind of mines?
                              " You're it for me",
                    "my everything"
               Must meant;
          I was everything you could use?
                                   "it for you" as in I'm "it"
       the sucker who'd believe you?
                                  I knew you'd hurt me...
                           Yet,
                      I failed to see it
                                             coming in the way that it did.
          I trusted you with all I had to give you,
                             coming to you disjointed & imperfect!!!!
  I begged of you never to
                        make us a thing of the past,
           asked for your forgiveness
                               and understanding -
            as I worked out my demons,
                        allowing you to do the same,
ever support was I when it came to you...
                      Sadly everyone else knew but me.
         Funny and laughable to you,
even to those who knew-
                       that I'd jump for you and defend YOU,
stand up and stick by you.
                       I was the **** of your jokes, the fool,
              dancing to your tune!
                        I'm crying & laughing,
  wheeewWeee- you got me good.
                     How cool is it for YOU
                           to take advantage of someone-
                  trusting in you:
            to never repeat the steps
of what others have done?
                                   But I made this my fault,
                            made it my reason to move on,
            broken as you were too,
I allowed you time to heal
                          Stuck up for you
                        
        as others blamed you
  
                    for my failing...
my demise
    
             came in disguise
               as
    "friend"
           "my boyfriend"
              "husband"
                       "lover"
                            "the father"
                         to our dead babies,
                        and
                   King of all things!!!!
Yet I snatched your crown
                           and stopped listening
after months of nothing
                           all we have is this terrible silence.
I can see clearer,
                     blaming you only shows me
the things
                        I've failed to give in return,
it shows me NOW
                            how I've failed you,
                       just as you've failed me..
                                 As of right now all I can say is
                            you'll always be
         my biggest regret-
even if in my eyes alone,
       you'll also always be
  the love of my life,

                      My one true love.

                                   Yet hard as this is for me,

                       I can't hold on to your shadow.



                    So this is

                            GOODBYE...

You've long since

          moved on

              so shall I!

                    Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®


                      K.A.C.L.N ©


   &n
"I'd of waited for him but someone else easily- has captured his heart."
#love #pain #sadness #loss #relationships #hurt #longing #bitter #defeat #regrets
Continue reading...
409 · Jul 2015
I'll Stay!
Ayeshah Jul 2015
I'll Stay!
Why am I

sitting here

contemplating

how

I've come

to be here,


I don't understand

how

I've allowed

myself to end up here.

I didn't want to

be in this situation

not again,

I've given so much...

And

now

here

I've accepted

this fate

without a

fight!


I doubt

I've got it within me

to fight anymore,

yet

didn't I say

I wasn't "his type"  

and  

here I am

plunging deep

into

swirling watery

grave  

where

I've no way out.  

I'm ashamed

to admit or even say;

I have no inclination,


no answers

and

I don't even


understand

or

know

what I'm doing!


I can't fathom


how


I've allowed you in

when


all I've wanted was to be free,

I didn't take any of my

walls down...


Seems

You've

crashed

head first into em.

I feel like   such a fool,

Oh,  No,

There's

no one else and never can be again

hold me like you do,  

  allow me to filter my regrets,

cry

mournfully

as

I sip this wine.

I'm sitting here

contemplating

how

I've come

to be here,


I don't understand....

But,

I'll Stay!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Continue reading...
407 · Dec 2015
Thought...
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Thought...
Just a thought

but have you

ever wonder about how

the time is set

Like we know all about it

we have : Morning, Noon, Evening & Night

I know who came up with these names but what made them think of it

We know from sun up to sun down it's an order of things that goes like this

Morning: 5:00 AM to 11:30 AM
Lunch: 11:30 AM to  1:00 PM
Afternoon: 1:30 PM to  5:30 PM
Evening: 5:30 PM to  9:00 PM
Night:  9:00 PM to  5:00 AM

Sometimes I don't even take a lunch until 3:00 pm.

So whose to say that's an evening meal when the times now so very different?

I work 12 hour shifts and Night is day for me...
so when should I sleep?

I know I'll have it once again explained,
but its not a question it's just
a Thought.*
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
my mind thinks of the weirdest things when I'm unable to sleep sometimes I'm just drifting from thought to thought for no reason at all...     lol I'll blame my mental.
Continue reading...
396 · Mar 2016
PRETEND...
Ayeshah Mar 2016
PRETEND...
I don't know
anymore

I can't fathom
how come I feel
how I do

You've stilled
my heart

It doesn't even
beat the same
anymore

I'm tired
going in circle

You know
I'm already insane
I've been
lie to
mislead
deceived
disrespected
manipulated

I refuse to
take anymore

I refuse to allow
myself to
go through this
once again

Guess that's why
we're
living
a life of
pretend

Make
believe
everything's
OK

When all
along
I've felt
this
"You & Me"
is such
a huge
mistake

I knew it
along
time ago
and
I still stayed

Allowed those
who cared
about me
truly
to walk away

All for the sake
of being with
YOU

When for
you
it was all
games

Shame on
me
for
hurting
myself

I don't
know
how to go
from here

Without
causing more
pain
but go I will


I'll do IT
I have to

You
seem
like
you don't
understand
but
of course
you do

I've tried
too often
&
many times
to explain
plus
express all
this
to you

You allowed
pride & ego
to consume
you

You're
going to
do
what the
****
you
wanna
do

Problem
is
you
thought
I'd
play the
fool

Thought
I
needed
your
money
to survive

but
didn't
you
know

I've
been
here
plenty of times
been here way
too many times
long before
well before you

I'll say good-bye
to show me more
than showing you

I'll make it with out you

because you can
no longer live
a life of make believe
play house

Act as if everything's OK

you know what I mean

Um what's it call
oh right
*pretend
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Continue reading...
377 · Dec 2015
Memories.......
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Memories.......
I've been living on memories

Today you called

and

they rushed back to me

clearly we've both moved on

but

once I picked up the phone

Memories

haunted me

following me

like a shadow

Our time has past

and

I know the truth of you now

Why am I so emotional?

Sadly so

when I'm sure you're no longer feeling like I do

Time on my phone tells me we've been talking for

6 hours and 29 minutes


I have to hang up

but

I want you to know  about  all the memories
&
note
I Remember!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
its hard to forget so many  thing's we shared , life
& death's and so many in betweens. sad to end but it's the way things ended up;  huh!?!
Continue reading...
364 · Feb 2016
In my dreams
Ayeshah Feb 2016
In my dreams
I have no reason to be upset

What I'm feeling really don't need a name!

I crave something that's unobtainable  

unbelievable for some just not for me because I believe in fairytales

I believe in magic  & happily ever afters

There's really something in all those princess movies but I like those  heroic love novel's  

where she's saving him as he's trying to save her

Those stories where they fight hard for each other & no matter time or space

They'll always find their true desire; Eachother!

I'm not mad
I'm not even upset
Because some day soon  
my story will be told  & it'll be a fairytale
Come true  

Even if it's only in my dreams
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
Continue reading...
363 · Apr 2015
My Unasnwered Prayers.
Ayeshah Apr 2015
My Unasnwered Prayers.
I miss You,

but there is no making you understand this,

you're parting at coffee shops,

  playing chess and into this new age internet dating

where them nasty easy girls will always win,


I've not made it easy for you

and we never really said good bye,

everyone says forget about me

and what we once were trying to be.

I wont argue or disagree, my faults are my own

and I'll never continue to allow them to consume me,

or allow the past to make belief our future couldn't have been bright.

We could of worked on us.

Dead babies borne by a misleading husband to wife.

We could of fought harder,

yet,  it was too easy for you to let go...

I've not mourned-  their loss or the loss of you,

I pretend  sad as it may be,  

that you weren't even real.

I've conjured you up in dreams long since past,

sitting looking out my window,

watching children play....

My soul cries out for what would of been ours,

a red-brown hair child looking like you and me

a girl playing with her optimistic twin  brother
as I day dream

I see your crocked smile & the eyes of what would of be our child.

I have to fake like I've never known your love,

as if your a ghost,

well seems to me it's come to this,

I hate how I still reach for you at night

and sometimes

my belly where they've used to be.

I'll hold on to the good we had

and allow myself to feel only the positive memories.

Maybe one day you'll look back fondly on us

and say its time to come home
and be my husband again.

This time we'll do things so completely different ....

reality is this is a fleeting wish a unrealistic dream.

MY UNANSWERED PRAYERS.

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
You're Free & I'm left longing for your arms to hold me.
Love is my worst enemy!
Continue reading...
356 · Nov 2015
Lustful-Love!
Ayeshah Nov 2015
Lustful-Love!
I craved this monent,

longed for it,

dreamed a dream made reality. ...

Hold me again & let us retrace our sensational embrace.

You're intoxicating scent lingers on the sheets.

Your weight shadows where you've lain atop of me.

Impressions of your hand print echo in my mind,

I remember you...

 I can still feel you....

I'm still breathing heavy,  

trembling  too from our consumation...

I'm drifting off

but I can't help smiling  as you wrap your strong protective arms around me.

So this is what peace & safety feels like

wrapped up in our

Lustful love!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
I'm enjoying the small stuff!
Continue reading...
332 · Dec 2015
Then I Woke Up
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Then I Woke Up
I had a thought

A wish

A prayer
and a few dreams

It was nice
glamorous
Beautiful even

We never lied

We shared it all

Completed & complimented
one another

The *** was worth
wile & wild

We had more than history

More than romance
it was brilliant

A family

Children

We weren't rich

Well off

Everyone got along

Problems occurred
we worked them out

Compromised in fact

We had it all
I had a thought

A wish

A prayer
and a few dreams
Then ....

Then

I Woke up!
*Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Continue reading...
329 · Dec 2015
~Marriage~
Ayeshah Dec 2015
~Marriage~
I can't escape the endless pain
What's the point of living
There is no hope
there is no dawn
life's fading & I rather be gone
I'm stuck and you're stuck too
in our endless world of darkness
Some call this
MARRIAGE.
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
Continue reading...
325 · Dec 2015
Voices
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Voices
Do you know about the voices*
Fictional?

Not for me
their all real  right here in my head
You've assume much - to even contemplate that there

I'm such a
recluse
contently locked away in
solitude

I hear them speaking
to me even while mingling - surrounded in a crowd

They hold my mind  ransom  
my thought's aren't my own

I've changed and I don't like it my anger erupts violent and abrupt

There isn't much hope for me save yourself
but before you leave  tell me

Do you hear them

Do they talk to you
tell me please*

Do you know about the  
*voices
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
OK well if you do,  PLEASE, keep it to yourself & don't tell no body else.
Continue reading...
319 · Dec 2015
Bipolar Days
Ayeshah Dec 2015
Bipolar Days
I'm sad today
I've no reason to be
I'm  mad
my aloofness
isn't due to anyone thing
or a person in particular

These ambiguous feelings
have a way
of causing
havoc on me
my life and relationships

Friends more like foe
I'm finding it so dang hard
to freaking articulate
how I'm feeling
or my reasons behind
what I'm feeling
I liked you a moment ago
In a flash
I now wish
I could strangle you

Impassivity  
maybe
rather say
it's more like frigid

yeah that's the best way
to describe
my bitter resentments
a moment ago I wanted to cook & clean
now
I just want to hide
I don't wish to speak to anyone
See me in whats going on
well we have a very
close acquaintance with madness
I'm so not understood
which is why

I've opted to be more of a recluse
I can be happy
then in a seconds it's gone

Laugh at a joke
then
be strictly upset
any provocation
will work
  I don't need a reason
to
dance in misery
flirt with darkness
or
make love to madness
I'll
find any excuse
to sum it up as love
No matter my mood some
how my mind plays these tricks
it'll finds way
every day to
be upset & hurt

Even when
nothing is wrong
  I'll find ways
that's just how it works

Yet I still wonder why

I'm drowning in regret

I'm sad today

I've no reason to be

Guess it's just one of
them days
Just one of my
Bipolar days
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved
**** when one of your many aliments is Bipolar &  PTSD.....
Continue reading...
315 · Nov 2017
SO BROKE
Ayeshah Nov 2017
SO BROKE
SO BROKE

I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

SO BROKE

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE
(CENTS)

SO BROKE

IVE ALLOWED
YOU HERE

WHEN I REALLY
SHOULDN'T

SO BROKE

I STRUGGLE
JUST TO GET AHEAD
AHEAD OF THE GAME

HEAD OF THIS LIFE
WHICH DRAGS ME DOWN

SO BROKE

I DON'T
LET ANYONE IN

SO BROKE

TO WHERE
I NO LONGER
KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

BROKE

ENOUGH THAT
I DON'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE

YET THE
CONTRADICTION
IS
I REALLY DO

I WANT HIM TO STAND BY ME

HELP ME MEND THESE
BROKEN
PLACES WITHIN ME

SHOW ME SOMETHING
SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING TO WHERE
I'D BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN

TO WHERE THOSE BROKEN PARTS
ARE SEWN BACK TOGETHER  

SOMEONE WHO'D SEE ME
MOST BEAUTIFUL

HE'D KEEP HIS WORD ALWAYS
HOLD ME NO
MATTER IF WE HAVE ***
OR NOT

HE'D TALK IT OUT
AND NOT WALK AWAY

HE'D TELL ME HIS DEEPEST
DARKEST SECRETS SHARE
EVERY PART OF ME

HE WOULDN'T
EVER CHEAT LIE OR STEAL

HE WOULD BE WHAT MY DREAMS
AND FANTASIES WERE MADE OF

LIKE I CONJURED HIM UP
AND MADE HIM REAL

OUR *** LIFE

WOULD BE
EVERYTHING

IVE EXPECTED
AND
BEYOND

AND
IT WOULDN'T BE
ALL ABOUT HIM

I'D GET TO
FINISH TOO

INSTEAD OF

CONSTANTLY
PRETENDING

I HIT MY PEAK

YEAH

THAT'D BE NICE

BUT UNTIL THEN
I GUESS ILL BE

  SO BROKE
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N ot to breathe
Continue reading...
268 · Nov 2015
NEW BEGINNINGS!
Ayeshah Nov 2015
NEW BEGINNINGS!
I set out to tell you all the things I've craved
which were missing within me and my hand stopped,
my pen refuse to do what my fingers wanted...
 I couldn't scribe the words needed to express all these things,  not just out of fear
but it is because
 I sat at my desk in my study
contemplating the words I'd like to express to you and when I thought on everything I've missed before I found you I couldn't continue,
 it's because
since I've met you
nothings really missing...
I remember a time
Where  I've felt incomplete,  
so **** lonely
but since knowing you
I feel whole again.
I no longer wished to think of how I was before
I knew such loveliness
which you've brought into my life,
nor do I wish to dwell on so much of the negatives that have had me screaming with terror each night.
Much of that is gone  and I thank you for the support.
I turned in my chair at my desk and look out these big bay window,
the  suns setting and the waters splashing up onto the sandy Beach
I can see you in my minds eye...
 a nostalgic memory  dances in my head
of us
running on this strip of beach;
me in  all white  bikini top & shorts, you're in shors too no top.
You're  chasing me
my hair's blowing behind me and we're both giggling,
I didn't know you could run so fast and good thing too you've caught me,
I was getting outta breathe.,
I see you clearly in my mind
scooping me up in your arms & swinging me round and round.
We fall down and softly I land on top of you....
It was on this day I  saw everything
I've so longed to have
in your eyes ,
the love shone brightly I almost felt blind ,
I was scared to accept what you were showing & offering to me
but I held my ground
fearful as I was I took it all in and when your lips crashed over mines like a wave I felt it,
I felt everything you've ever needed to say and see it still
after all this time so vividly...
SO how can I now write to you and tell you of all the things
I've craved which were missing within me and from my life when during many of my darkest hours you've been my beacon of hope
 a shiny bright light
casting out all the darkness and fear,
holding me close
loving me tenderly,
expressing everything
I've always dreamed of and prayed for
so as
I'm at my desk  I write to you these words which I've yet to say to you ;
Yes
yes I do love you & yes
hell YES,
I'll marry you!

P.S.
I REFUSE  to allow my past hurts or all the abuse to cause us to fail & whomever hurt me back then shouldn't have validation or presidence in our
NEW Beginnings!
Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present
Never allow people circumstances or situations  from your past to cause not to enjoy accept and allow the blessings happening now to be taken for granted  or you're the one to miss out on your happiness.
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257 · Oct 2019
Untitled
Ayeshah Oct 2019
Untitled
You still come to me in my dreams ; Untitled ...

there's no name;  there isn't a face that I can grasp on...

you have these light colored eyes;
dark brown -blonde hair;  

Untitled...

I'm entitled to think of all the happy memories; to cherish every moment.
Why don't you have a name;
you don't have a face;

you're a multitude of different shades in these dreams ;  
having the one thing that stands out- is what you were to me;  a vague memory;  a soft kiss on my forehead;
a soft-touch caressing my back.

My secret - my dream come true;
I have no regrets!

I never even met you.
I'll dream again.

I do think of you foundly ;
A famous poet once said
"what's in a name"
I don't know;
so you'll continue to be
Untitled.
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
#dream #yearnings #lust #fantasy #hope #love
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253 · Apr 2020
Just"Friends"(raw,explicit&uncensored)
Ayeshah Apr 2020
Just"Friends"(raw,explicit&uncensored)
I want to know why...

all I keep thinking about is how could you love me
so immensely;
so intensely;
so sensual;
so seductively;
so intimately,
and yet all we are is
friends!?

I want to know how can you touch me
to where my bones shake and my flesh craves you, so much so that I'd be happy to take ya last name!?

Why kiss me and put your soul into everything you do to me?

 Your spirits on a  rampage and it ran through my body like a tornado mixed with a rumbling lustful hurricane!!

My eyes watch you and what your administrations , they see every thing and my silly fickled heart lurches forth as you enter in and out of me - pounding rhythmically like African drums as you make me ******;.  


while you're kissing me; ******* me - touching my very essence with your  fingers amongst other things.

 while you're all over me and yet all we are is friends!?


More than friends with benefits and I never offered that - so how'd we end up thusly hmmmm!?

I never offered to be a FWD
Because I know my heart's  toooo precious and my body and souls toooo delicate to attempt it,

I'd be defeated before we ever got this close & this far
yet here we are
Just the two of us - me and you.

You said let's take our time and see where things go, but as it's going -
it's flowing in a different way  that I've not expected- obviously with me as ya sacrificial lamb; spread out on a mouth watering platter .

Funny thing is I'm saying NO as  I allow you to lead me down your rabbit hole;  flipping me upside down in 69 positions  and then some

My tantric- karama sutra king.

You're causing havoc on my heart and my mind
******
you're sexually destroying my inner peace because you've got me  "a'****'ed"
yes there's a compromise to be had cuz my addiction for you differs from being
A'DICKED!!! 

 I'll explain: my body wants you; my heart craves your inner beauty;  my Honeywell desire all that you give, but my mind&soul longs for a commitment!  
Can you understand & see there's a difference?

I'm speaking from my spirit.

You got me caught up, wrapped up in your swirling embrace.
You're suicide
and
heart break  
but
I can't get enough & won't let go.

The weight of your body's pressed against me - down on me as your muscles stand tight and taunt leavinf me breathless
And it feels so right like yo. you're home to me but we're just
friends!?

The ways  you say my name has me delirious  and giddy.
I light up at the sound - everytime you moan it out, shivers go through me.

Ugh see that right there - that smile, don't do it.

I watch  how you touch every part of me, from
licking my toes ,
to kissing my lips,
from ******* on my fingers,
to moving my hips,
from dipping in and out
and out and in.

That's that **** that has me trapped & tripping all over THIS
friendship & myself
and I never want it to end.

Mmman oh man you really don't know, you be making me lose control of my senses& my ******* mind!!!

Tell me how?

Tell me why!?

Why would you do this to me?

Why would you allow yourself to open yourself up as you do and be so vulnerable with me;

beautifully so, I'm sure you know the effects you have on me;
it sends me to my knees .

Babe you're my walking waking dreamlike fantasies!

I'm worried,
scared even to think of all the possibilities!

Yo you quench all my desires and solidified my dreams.
You've made almost everyone of them come true .

My cups spilling  to overflowing with your loving
Sadly not your
love

So
why you holding me so tight
so intimately and we're hugging and held up in ya house
like this!?
it's unrealistic
it'll turn explosive,
my worrying heart
says for me to stop
but
everything you do is effective & messy
yet fun which tells me maybe
I should run and never look back but didn't I tell you I'm addicted ("a'dicked").

Yo ya got that  charismatic persona,

ya shy-boyish smile drive me wild.

You're skillful I'll give you that, but why you play so hard to get when we already have what we have!?


You stroke the core of me to my spirit with your own,

As you lay deep inside me and love me down in every possible way;  you spoiled me and tamed me while letting me spoil you. Yet we're just friends huh.
So much so that ya ravish my body and you let me wreck havoc in your senses and drink in your essence.

You and I play &  tease, tasting one another but you refuse to open up to me.

I **** myself up every time you're near.
Playing this love making game with our wicked deed.  

Tell me why do you explore me like a new  toy with your mischief curiosity concurring me like a new undiscovered land
hmm & we're just friends huh!?

You have this ability to see right through me to see to the heart of me
the parts I hide and ya say I'm reserved meant only for a specific person must be you huh.

And yet you hold yourself aloft, ya hold yourself off; you keep yourself at a distant where I find myself trying to reel you in; ya not giving too much and I wonder why is that!?

How can I get around that wall,
how can I climb that fence,
how can I penetrate that space-  a place where few others have been!?

I find it funny- sadistically so, yet  I find it downright obnoxious and wicked- that you do this to me and I have no one else to blame but myself because I can say no at any time and yet when you look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes I get weak;

I melt for you & melt into You!

I fall for you and I stumble-somehow you always catch me!

ahhhhhh

All I can do is ask you why?

Why do you
do this to me!?

I'm trying so hard not to put my feelings into it; but every touch;  
every stroke;
every kiss;
every hug;
every bite and evey delicious pounding  
spins me right round back to you.

Ya massive member fills me up and I take it all even when I believe I cannot.

Look
look how good we fit
look how we mesh soul & flesh...

I can't help it- this friendship is more than I've expected.

It seems you got me- naw I got me loosing control.

*** I don't know what to think or how to feel.

**** I'm loosing it,
I'm totally confused- is this Love or is this lust!?

All I need to know is Why.

*Why me?
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.®
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N
#love #lust #desireshope #friendship #etc
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