I can live in darkness
Let my neurochemistry be
Cold, sad, anxious
Craving death to escape
Anything at all to escape...

Or, I can take more pills
Feel nothing at all
Just be low
Want to sleep
Too numb to care
So distant they all notice

But why... why is it looking
Like there’s no medium for me
I don’t get to be happy
Happiness is a lie
It’s a fantasy
A fable
So we hold out hope
That life will get better
Even as we watch ourselves burning
Our fortresses crumbling
Gardens wilting
Bodies dying
...

Things only get worse
But that bizarre human hope
It pushes us onward
To believe in better days
Though it would seem
That kind of hope
Has fled from me

You don’t decide who
Will make your heart race.
The corners of your lips just
Upturn so suddenly
That you only notice your smile
When you step forward and feel
The cement  pieces
Of a shattered frown
On the ground beneath your feet.

may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

613 200 Hours
25 550 Days
13 Cars
11 Jobs
9 Dogs
6 Surgeries
5 Children
4 Grandchildren
3 Marriages
2 Siblings
1 Weary soul.
No regrets.

Going round and round
Been all over the world
Never have I ever heard a sound
Sound that reached the clouds
You singing could stop a war

I
Am
Mentally
Ill