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2.5k · Feb 2019
The fat vegan
Bea Feb 2019
When the fat vegan says she’s a vegan no one believes her
People offer her chocolate to see if she’ll crack
Fat and vegan aren’t words that coincide
It’s like a pancake covered in hot sauce
Unnatural

When the fat vegan walks into the grocery store to buy some produce people think good she needs it
But fat vegan doesn’t feel fat
She likes her shirt tucked in
Sleeves short
Shorts on
The fat vegan loves apple slices and kale salad long showers and a purple lipstick.

Fat vegan eats what she likes
She feels dainty and light
Finally small
Rightfully at home in a sweatshirt
Fat vegan floats through the world as the woman she longs to resemble
But on the inside
Reality creeps back in front of her only in a side glance in a window,
A judgment from a stranger.

Fat vegan has been taught to fit in not stretch out taking up more space is selfish being loud is obnoxious living a magnificent life is too loud
But fat vegan dreams of endless love and long walks  
She finally learns what love means
Being happy on the inside defiant of the world
She knows how strong she is so she continues to float through the world
A
fat
Happy
vegan
I am happy
2.0k · Sep 2018
One pillow two pillow
Bea Sep 2018
One pillow
Between my legs
I hold it there at night giving myself a false Sense of security and a curve to my spine That says I love you

Two pillow
Wrapped around my arms
The illusion of your sturdy chest
Heart beating
Your skin warm against my cheek
I am safe here with your arms around my hips  
Our legs tangled together like two Perfectly woven pieces of fabric
Heartbeats sync
Eyes slowly close
I love you’s whispered

Open your eyes

One pillow
Between my legs giving me a false sense of security and a strong stiff spine

Two pillow
I wrap my arms around it tight
Wishing you had a sturdy heart
Wishing you were here

But pillow thoughts are always hopeful for things that will never be.
I think of you at night.
1.8k · Jan 2019
Gravity
Bea Jan 2019
I stopped looking for you in the sun and the stars
you don’t belong there
you will never do them justice.
When I look up at the night sky absolutely mesmerized by the possibility of such beauty I no longer think of you.
You belong on earth, so grounded by your own rigidness that flight is impossible.
614 · Mar 2019
I blame you
Bea Mar 2019
I blame you for loving me.
I blame you for my hard head.
I blame you for my big heart.
I blame you for anxiety.
I blame you for expectations.
I blame you for baby fat.
I blame you for family.
I blame you for showing me what a strong woman looks like.
I blame you for telling me to never settle.

If you are going to blame someone blame them fully for everything they have done good or bad.
374 · Mar 2019
Fantastically ordinary
Bea Mar 2019
To be fantastically ordinary is to love yourself and to know you are enough
you are wanted on this earth
I want you here
A body is just a shell that holds your spirit like a mason jar holds wishes
love it like it’s your last
Love it like its fragile it can crack and break
Love it like its precious
Every inch of you is a masterpiece no mistakes were made
I hope you wake up one day look in the mirror with your messy hair and bad breath and say to yourself
I love you.
You are enough.
351 · Aug 2019
Untitled
Bea Aug 2019
I said I was fine.
Isn’t that code for nothing’s okay?
why couldn’t you read between my words?
You said you could see right through me.
333 · Apr 2019
Spiral
Bea Apr 2019
When I am sad I become numb
Numbness feels like drowning everytime I take a breath  
When I am numb I get quiet
Quiet looks like sleepless nights and not eating
Helplessness sets in anxiety builds inside my chest until it burns me
Nothing feels real
So filled with sorrow I think the wind will sweep away my bones leaving no trace
sometimes I wish it would
283 · Jul 2019
I
Bea Jul 2019
I
I bare my soul too easily

I let people in quickly

I hold them for too long

I cast them away gently regardless of the cost

Maybe watching things fade is my fatal flaw
Maybe it’s a blessing

I am cursed to feel for every stranger
and
Fall in love fast
Like losing your breath

Maybe it’s a blessing

Maybe it’s a curse
...
266 · Jan 2020
/
Bea Jan 2020
/
I
                            am
                              a
S
   H
      A
         P
           E
S
  H
     I
       F
         T
            E
               R
                
                                  My
Bones b e n d at my will
Today I will create the most powerful
Unstoppably brave truly wise creature the          world has ever had the privilege to gaze upon.
I will call it
                       T H E Y
263 · Jul 2019
Untitled
Bea Jul 2019
There’s a sign that hangs so far above my head my tunnel vision can’t locate it’s off switch
A glowing neon sign
OPEN 24/7
People are encouraged to
Come in
Get comfortable
Stay a while
Help yourself to whatever your claws can grasp
Leave when you want it’s nothing serious

the neon colours shine so bright I’m blinded

Can you help me they ask

I try until I’m undone
244 · Sep 2018
Waiting for love
Bea Sep 2018
I wait
Poised and ready for love
But love does not come
Not the safe kind anyways
Books and movies set such high standards people stop trying at all.
Boys speak pretty words when they want
something from you,
Girls scream when they want nothing at all.

They say love will find you when you stop looking
So I stop looking
5
10
20
minutes go by
I stop stopping.
Life is more beautiful looking through the eyes of a dreamer
When love is on the brain a smile is a hello and a thank you means see you soon

Love changes the way food tastes and alters perspectives entirely.
I choose to wait
To wait for love, and in the mean time I will view the world through these eyes of mine
Seeing kindness and hope in all things.
True love exists, don’t give up on love.
221 · Oct 2018
Question:
Bea Oct 2018
What do you do when you aren’t sure about a boy?
When your brain and body are telling two different sides of the same story?

Brain:
I like the way he talks “ ladies first” “I’d never lie to you”
He looks like a kind hug and a warm night.
Do you show him who you are or cut him off?
The unknown is such a dark and scary place
Stories of girls with broken hearts and boys with grudges.
What do I do?

Body:
Red alert a unknown boy is getting too close and I don’t know how to feel!
He
Want’s
To
See
Me
What do I do?
He
Want’s
To
Hold
Me
With his hands
His hands.
I want to run and hide.
I want to be in invisible again, the pressure of attention is too unknown. Too close. No boy has ever been this close.

Parents tell their little girls to trust their instincts
Is this fear of the unknown or a warning from within? How do you tell?
Does love feel like a risk of self security?
People describe it as a jump.
Mixed messages and signals all over my skin I don’t know if I hate it or love it.
Is
This
Love
Lust
Or
Loneliness?
He want’s to call me baby, do I want that too?
He want’s to read beside me, is he real?
He want’s to
See
Me
Me
Me.
Tonight I am nervous about a boy who want’s to call me beautiful.
Please tell me what to do.
203 · Mar 2019
A one sided conversation
Bea Mar 2019
He asked me what one thing is that I love about myself
I told him I didn’t have just one thing
I love all of myself
Yes even the parts I wish were different
Yes even the parts that have brought me nothing but anxiety
I learned long ago that I am enough of a woman to love myself without exception
Bea Mar 2019
When I want to be seen
I want the world to turn it’s head and admire me all at once,
Bask in my glow and worship every inch of me.
I am sculpted from marble and ivory,
Every inch of my skin is precious
I shine in the sunlight like church windows on sunday.

When I want to be invisible every glance feels like a knife in my back,
eyes like daggers
ordinary bystanders morph into hallway critics
Clipboards out pens at the ready
A special page to circle my flaws
highlight my insecurities
underline my fears
I am all at once vulnerable in a place where vulnerability is a very dangerous thing to be.
193 · Sep 2018
I am lonely... I think
Bea Sep 2018
Like waves against the shore
Thoughts flood my mind filling it with  bitter salt and half truths.
I am not lovable
Not desirable
Not ready to be loved
These thoughts aren’t true but my heart believes them.

Wishful thinking about holding hands and long phone calls ending in i love you.
I see a lover in every pair of eyes that meet mine
The hunger my heart creates shoots through my veins spreading fire through my body
Only stoping when I look in the mirror,
I do not love myself
Not yet.

I am lonely until I see another fight between two lovers
I do not wish to be broken like that
I do not with to hurt like that

I am lonely... I think
Until I see myself and think
I
Am
Enough
A hungry heart never stops looking for love
189 · Sep 2018
Little red lines
Bea Sep 2018
I have grown tired of people telling me about my body
That these little Red lines that speckle my skin should never see the light of day

I have Grown tired of pulling shirts down and pants up
Applying remedies to the red hot blush of my shame

This body of mine
Blessed with the gift of life
Smothered with chemicals designed Tighten
Tone
Erase

For what?

When I come home and wash it all away
I am still left standing here with myself
Red
And
Raw

A girl who was told that to be beautiful and desirable
Little red lines can never be seen.
185 · Feb 2019
True story
Bea Feb 2019
A man I don’t know walks up to me at work and hands me a bible, says he’s been watching me, that I look like I could use some help and that I seem upset all the time.

Maybe I'm upset because

At work a man tells me getting high will relax me before *** that it will "make it easier"
A man calls me sugar **** while I walk  to the bathroom
A man follows me to the bus stop and asked for a smile
My uneasy eyes a neon invitation for a catcall
“A woman’s work is never done” whispered to me in the produce section of a grocery store
While I walk to go on my lunch break a man asks if I will f*ck his friend “ You can eat him!”
What’s your name?
I like your hair
What are you reading?
Can I sit here?
You got a boyfriend?
I can bang you straight
Do you need help with that?

I don’t need help from a man when a man is my biggest issue, not even god could fix this.
Wouldn’t you be upset
165 · Apr 2019
less depressing:
Bea Apr 2019
I have been told to try writing about happy things.
Things like
love
Sunsets
How beautiful flowers are

Allow me to tell you about these things.

Love is never as easy as you think it is people are jumbled messes of mixed signals and confusing conversations
I once was so in love with a boy I hit him with a dodgeball
Sunsets make me think of the future
About the places I dream of going and the rare moments of peace that come with looking up
When I see a flower I stop in awe and think about strong and defiant they are
They make me think of strong women

I think of these things often and smile for simple moments of softness.
161 · Dec 2019
Untitled
Bea Dec 2019
A tailspin of chaos
I am always in motion
Heart
Mind
Sprit
Whirling so fast my bones leap and bound
I have no interest in stopping
One must be quick if one wants to expand like I do
147 · Jul 2019
I know this much
Bea Jul 2019
For some reason unknown to me
Hate dissipates
I hated myself the most
Every inch of my skin was disgrace to skinny tradition
A helpless fat queer from the start
A little rainbow sheep running through the world with a target on their back
146 · Mar 2019
I want to start over
Bea Mar 2019
I will stand on the beach with my feet buried in the cold sand, a few cuts never hurt anyone.
When I look out at the crashing waves my eyes fixed on the blue I start to walk
I walk until my legs are pins and needles until the clothes on my back washes away and I am nothing more that the sum of my parts,
A beating heart
Speckled skin
My tears turn to pearls.
I walk until water becomes air and suddenly the cold doesn’t bother me anymore.
I want to keep walking until water fills my brain and washes me away.
I think to myself today feels like a good day to cross the ocean,
Today feels like a good day to leave it all behind.
138 · Feb 2019
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
one day
i want to
drift
so far into space that i can no longer see my
home
i want to be so
lost
that no one remembers what i've done
in
the
cold
dark
nothingness
i want to experience                                                                                
                                                     Life.
131 · Jul 2019
Sunshine boy
Bea Jul 2019
There is peace knowing you died with your family
The love in that room could seen through the darkness of that June night
The kind of love that melts you
We held you and let you go
Leaving us with the greatest of memories
Midnight walks
Sunshine naps
Ocean swims
And long drives
Some of your specialties
There is peace knowing your heart was happy from your first day to your last

There is no peace in your absence
Midnight walks  
Sunshine naps
Ocean swims
long drives
Most of all the sound of you
Will never feel the same
The green grass remembers you
You
My sweet sunshine boy have changed me
129 · Aug 2019
Sorry.
Bea Aug 2019
I’m sick of saying sorry
That word is dead to me.

Filled with half hearted regret and animosity I wish it out of existence everyday

Saying sorry for loving
Saying sorry having a opinion

Apologizing when there is no place for such words is bowing down to those that make you feel so uncomfortable you apologize for simply taking a breath

Saying sorry for needing the help that was offered to you because it’s not convenient right now means that offer was empty from the start

Sorry means I excuse myself from this conversation because I disagree and I know you’ll get angry if I say another word

If I said sorry to ever person I ever disagreed with I wouldn’t be here

Words without action are meaningless and sorry is dead to me
It died long ago

Stop giving other people your power
114 · Feb 2019
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
Sometimes,
my heart is so hungry I wonder if anyone will be enough to fill me up
It’s a hollow hunger that lingers in my dreams like coals that still burn long after a fire dies.
110 · Apr 2019
let's call him John
Bea Apr 2019
I am hopelessly in love with a boy in love
He is soft like a cloud
A wide smile that makes the sun shine
He is a boy I could tell my secrets to free from harm
He is a warm embrace
He is safety
The brightest shade of green
He is love
But not mine
110 · Nov 2018
Do you see me?
Bea Nov 2018
I hope you don’t because if you do your last excuse just ran out,
If you see me how could you not help me?
I wear my heart on my forehead waiting to be read
Scrubbed clean of all agony.

If you can see my suffering but do nothing
To help then you are just as bad as the rest of the world
I
Would
Help
You
From across the sea I would fly
I would scoop you up into my arms and shelter you from harm
I would hold you close and tell you it will be okay
I would make it all okay
I would help you hold your sorrow.
I know you would never do the same.
108 · Aug 2019
After the beep
Bea Aug 2019
Hey

I thought tonight would be a good time to tell you that I’m queer.
Maybe.
I’m not really sure quite yet but I’m sure about how I feel so that’s cool.
I’m telling you this because it’s been on my mind a lot,
hopefully this is all temporary because constantly turning around to find a new question makes me dizzy and you know I don’t fall gracefully.

I feel like I'm living life in the absolute middle.
Like seeing the life you dream of living from the backseat but not being sure how to take the wheel
You know what I mean?
Would I feel more alive without the heaviness that hangs off my chest or is life about staying weighted to the ground?

If I could see into the future I’d peek at who I am in a year.
I think that would be fun,
Maybe I would have things figured out then.

Do you remember asking me about who I’m attracted to that one time in the car?
I still can't answer that.
I can’t even figure out if I was born in the right body most of the time so how am I to know who I’m attracted to if I can’t even see what’s in the mirror?

How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I feel like a walking question mark.

Anyways I'll be home in a bit
Call me back
I love you.
107 · Aug 2019
;
Bea Aug 2019
;
I hope you never read anything I’ve written.
Strangers reading my thoughts is one thing but you reading my heart is another,
Talking about you comes as easy to me as breathing.
That’s dangerous.
That scares me.
I’m not sure if there’s a way to say go away without you leaving.
I just need you out of my head for a little while.
106 · Feb 2019
One in the same
Bea Feb 2019
A quiet girl looks at herself in her bathroom mirror
She touches her lips wondering where her courage went as she stains them ruby red  
Quiet girl stands on the bus
Not at the back
Never at the back
She watches people stare out the foggy windows
making up stories about them
A doctor
A lawyer
A broken heart
She doesn’t want to be seen only see
Quiet girl stands in amazement at how so many quiet conversations make such a loud voice in her head
Stories of lost loves and newfound adventure make for much better entertainment than a phone screen
She sees a woman weeping not crying
Never crying
Quiet tears fall from her eyes like peaceful waterfalls
Her eyes speak to the girl
She understands
She names the weeping woman
Lucy
Lucy listens to sad music and likes to eat cherry pie
She is a woman of wonderings
A dreamer
She sits at the back of the bus
legs crossed
The girl watches small sounds escape lucy’s ruby red lips like morse code  
Faint cries for help
quiet girl watches Lucy curl herself smaller into her seat as the man next to her expands his hungry reach
Quiet girl watches lucy’s eyes scream so loud she can hear it
She offers her a glance of understanding of shared fear
But this is her stop and she’s late for school
She gets off the bus and watches lucy drive away
She should have known better the quiet girl thought
Never sit at the back of the bus
105 · Sep 2018
Self portrait.
Bea Sep 2018
Hi, I’m a loud 19 year old self conscious mess who eats a little too much when I’m sad
When I tell you I don’t feel good I mean the storm clouds have rolled in and taken place up in my mind and the tides are washing up over the shore that is my eyes.

When I say don’t get to close it means that I’m too scared to tell you everything I’ve been through right now,
some of the darkness that lives inside of my heart is yet to be explored and tonight that expedition won’t go well.
I’m not sure you want to see all the shades of blue that I've become,
not sure if you’ll look at me the same when you hear the stories I have to tell
so please don’t get too close.

I get embarrassed when people talk too loud in public
don’t ask me why i can’t tell you
I’m a girl who sometimes would rather stay in the confinement of my own self doubt than take one step outside because the anxiety that washes over me when I make eye contact with a stranger makes me want to melt to the ground and sink back into the earth.

I like green tea
I like boys with long hair and  girls with soft smiles,
If I seem a little shy don’t worry that just the voice inside my head telling me how stupid I sound when I laugh

My name is baby in french and that’s pretty funny cause I have a tendency to feel too much
in fact when I cry my dad loves to point out that I’m not in acting class anymore. Well dad that’s a fun fact but I still feel like my heart is exploding so I’m gonna go disappear now.

I’m a 19 year old girl who has seen more panic attacks than flowers and feels more self doubt with my back to a stranger than looking  in the mirror
and Yes I probably feel too much but that's hardly a issue right now.
Bea Sep 2018
I am standing by a window when I say it
I
Can’t
Love
you
Anymore
It doesn’t hurt me like I thought it would.
When something is a long time coming the moment it arrives a strange relief comes with it.

You are not the same person you once were
The boy I loved is nowhere to be seen,
You
Became so angry with the world
you lost your way and yourself along with it.
I stood beside you seeing both black and white unable to see the cause of such sadness but when you told me it all made sense
A young boy with nothing became a man with much more
but the boy remained alone behind closed doors.
When I tell you I can’t love you
You walk away leaving me at the window looking out at the blue sky
I wish I was sad, a love like ours should be mourned.
Neither of us turn around, neither of us say goodbye
It is done.

When I wake
I wake to you and your ocean blue eyes staring at me, like always
My heart fills with joy you see you
My mind relieved to know it was all a dream
Aren't dreams thoughts trapped in the subconscious?
101 · Oct 2018
The boy with red hair
Bea Oct 2018
I saw you today.
I imagined walking up to you
I thought about what I might say
But I didn’t
I get nervous around you

So I’m telling you now

You hurt me
More than you know
You
Were
My
First
I thought the world of you
That the universe finally sent me someone to call home
Instead of giving me blessing it taught me a lesson
You
Never
Know
Who
Someone
Truly
Is

The boy I thought about for days on end
Talked to all the time
Imagined holding
Had a love already
But never said a thing
The happy butterflies that swarmed in my chest at the sight of you
Turned grey and faded to dust and with it
My
Love
For
You
Bea Apr 2019
The twisted look on her face is one I know too well
A painful mix of misdirected anger and salt and pepper sadness  
She tells me she can’t breathe
She tells me she’s angry but it’s not my fault
When tears stream down her rosy red cheeks I can’t help but feel responsible
The idea of someone feeling so much it hurts is too much for me
I ask her how I can help
She says she doesn’t know
We sit still in deafening silence and cry
I wonder how many times she can do this
Survive this
It breaks my heart
96 · Feb 2019
Skinny love
Bea Feb 2019
When I see a woman read a menu like it’s a investigation report I get sad
They search for calorie content and carb counts
Is it gluten free?
Keto?
Paleo?
Elimination friendly?
I think of how unhappy they must be to put themselves through that
comatose your body to numb your mind
It breaks my heart to see little girls excited to go on diets
Boy’s only love skinny girls
That’s a fact
The hunger that rages in their hearts is too much to bar
No one wants to watch a live stream of a woman crying because she is starving herself
Screaming because she gained it all back
People don’t like pictures of women embracing their bodies
That kind of feminism isn’t welcome here
People want detox teas and cream’s that hide stretch marks
Apps for cheat days and tracking charts
Eliminate this to get that
Love is for the thin we all know it
Run this far to reach your dreams
They call it skinny love for a reason
It’s never enough
Just a taste
Please love yourself
94 · Mar 2019
I realized I am enough
Bea Mar 2019
It has taken me twenty years to come to the conclusion that
I am worthy of love
I don’t need to change the parts of me I wish were different to have a conversation
Kindness is a right not a privilege

I do not need to starve myself to deserve love
I do not owe you the skin off my back
I do not owe you size zero
After all this time I know now that I am worth the stars and anything less isn’t worthy
Shrinking isn’t nessacary
Plastic isn’t real
Dreams are true and stories must be cherished

It has taken me twenty years to see myself through eyes of kindness
To realize that care and attention are two very different things
Love and lust are twins most can’t separate
Romantics buy flowers not only when times are tough but when their hearts are full
Car rides at night soothe my soul
Love holds no bounds it’s forms are always different
Looking up can be the difference between living and watching
I am ready.
Bea Mar 2019
Being alone
Cold summer showers
Clean shaven legs
Falling asleep
Feeling validated
Feeling loved
Finishing a good book
Feeling the cold wind run through your hair down your spine
Hot baths after a hard day
Silence
The warm sun on your skin
The smell of rain
The first sip of coffee
The sound of trees in the wind
92 · Sep 2018
I wrote this 5 months ago
Bea Sep 2018
I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself
Who I am is not who I want to be
91 · Feb 2019
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
It has been my honour to be loved by you
90 · Mar 2019
Resting in the daylight
Bea Mar 2019
There she sat
Perfectly comfortable with her legs crossed and a cup of coffee beside her
The sunlight bounced through the frames of her glasses and onto the paper of the book she was reading
She was the image of peace
Blue jeans
Red shirt
Brown hair
Pink glasses
89 · Jul 2019
Who started this?
Bea Jul 2019
What is so wrong with being big?
Who made it such a crime?
I wish I could talk to the person that decided what sizes are okay

I want to ask them why
Why can’t I exist like this?
Why do you hate me?
Why won’t you reconsider?

I don’t know how it all started
Maybe it was the first time I was asked about my stretch marks or catching a strangers eyes judging me
One day hate just appeared without notice
Taking shelter in my chest
using my brain as a trampoline
It’s best friend shame came with it and I was trapped
They told me I wasn’t allowed to swim
that my body wasn’t wanted there
fat mermaids don't exist
Hate tore my heart in two and shame poured the lemon juice
I am a bitter lemon hearted woman who can’t live a day without anxiety
I want answers

Why can’t you be big and live a big life too?
Why can't I take up space?

I wish I could talk to the person that started fatphobia and ask them if they know what they are doing

Is it worth hurting so many people?
I want to know who told them it’s okay to act like this
With such anger
Such unreasonable judgment
Such unstoppable ignorance  

Why do you decide my worth?
Who told you my body is your business?
88 · Mar 2019
3
Bea Mar 2019
3
Today I am every sad lyric ever sung
My heart drums so slow I wonder if I am alive
Check one
Check two
I am so small I could fit into the palm of your hand without you ever noticing
I am lost CD’s you forgot you had  
People sing of summer and tender first loves
I am neither of those
I am soft whispers at midnight with lips so close I can taste your words
There is no need to sing from rooftops when right here is enough but you insist quiet loves aren't real
So I get smaller
88 · Apr 2019
Details
Bea Apr 2019
Getting out of bed is brave
Choosing to open your blinds is brave
Eating is brave
Every little thing you choose to do is brave no matter how small it may seem
Choosing to do something will alway be brave
87 · Apr 2019
Unrequited
Bea Apr 2019
He makes me feel good,
When he comes to talk to me because he likes my stories and our secret handshake.
A twisted sadness lives in my belly, it ties itself tightly around my heart contracting my breathing making my face turn a rosy red
No matter how much I try to make it stop I can feel it burning my cheeks.  
I’ve never been anyone’s first priority
Never once have I sat across the table from someone and had them look at me and not my plate.
I am so happy you love someone the way you do
The way I’ve dreamt of forever
A thoughtful tender love that puts every sunset to shame
You love her the way I love you.
84 · Mar 2019
Untitled
Bea Mar 2019
Once I wished I was was bird
Black and blue
I wanted to fly across the world and build a new life
I dreamt of letting the wind sweep me away carrying me wherever it wanted
In my dream I was wild and soft
My will was the only reason my feet ever touched the ground
The days were warm and I was free from worry

I still wish I was a bird sometimes, only now I want to fly to the tops of mountains and look out at the world in wonder.
83 · Oct 2018
Listen
Bea Oct 2018
Can you hear it?
that was the sound of all of the air leaving my chest,
The blood from my cheeks rushing to my toes.
I feel like I’m being crushed by some unseen force capable of separating my soul from my bones,
I will never be the same.

This vast distance between us leaves me feeling hollow and alone.
My mind thinks of nothing but you.
My ears don’t hear the warnings about you because my eyes are fixed on yours.
But my heart
The compass that guided me to you is
pounding in my chest telling me
Go
Run
Leave.
The pounding shoots pins and needles through my skin leaving doubt in my mind and a kind of ache that I can only describe as agony.
Do you love me?

All balance is off course.

The silence between us rips us apart as it pushes us away.
When I ask you again
Silence.
Please talk to me
Silence.
I know you are suffering
Silence.
Let me help you.
Let me in.
I know you want to shelter me,
Save me from your past.
But if love knows no bounds
I will endure.
Tonight is different
I need you to tell me to stay,
I don’t want to make this choice alone.
My heart is yours,
I am yours.
Just tell me to stay.

You stand there
Silent
Eyes locked with mine.
I turn away
Silent
I know you want me to stay.
I know you need me to go.
I know you love me enough let me leave.
We both know now is not our time but we still can’t let go.
I can’t let you go.

I wish you did something,
I wish I hated you.
But no love has been lost here, we just need time to grow.
I want to grow with you baby, but you are so quiet and I am so loud.
You need time to write your wrongs and the time is now.

Please listen to me when I tell you goodbye, it’s only for now not forever.
My heart is yours
I am yours and you are mine.
I will not stop loving you as fiercely as i always have.
Our eyes will meet again baby and when they do
Sparks
      Will
           Fly.
Now is not our time but oh god I hope it’s soon.
82 · Jan 2019
Dreaming
Bea Jan 2019
Perhaps
one of the saddest things of all is
knowing the love I’ve dreamt of forever
will never come to be
my heart clings to the idea of you more than my hands can hold.

The version of love only a young mind could create and a naive mind could hold onto
every make-believe date
every possible first kiss
every midnight conversation
Yet to come to life.

Maybe it never will.
79 · Jul 2019
hunger
Bea Jul 2019
She wants to be famous
but famous people aren't broken like she is.
she is too hungry for the wrong things
it could **** her.
nobody ever warns you about yourself
how the self destruct button can only be pushed by you.
79 · Mar 2019
Untitled
Bea Mar 2019
One day you will wake up and you won’t be able to recognize yourself
All the years of worry will fall before your feet
You will be liberated from your fear
You will stand in front of a window and instead of worrying about who may look in you will see the beautiful world before your eyes
I hope when this day comes you are ready to embrace it for the opportunity that it is
A chance to start fresh no strings attached it can be whatever you need it to be.
79 · Apr 2019
One sided love
Bea Apr 2019
He asked me if I was flirting with him
I tell him of course
I like the way his voice sounds when he says my name

When he asks me on a date my heart races
When he cancels 2 hours before I feel it stop
The tears that streamed down my cheeks that night changed me

He makes me think this is real
How is your day?
I want to see you.

When he asks me if I’ve ever had *** my stomach turns
I do not want to tell him
I do not want to lose him  
I tell him no
He asks me why
He tells me how good it feels
I mistake butterflies for anxiety
Protection for control
Interest for opportunity

I am so blinded by what I want I don’t see the empty promises until it is too late
All of the warning signs I was too busy to notice begin to flash

He texts me
I feel sick
I cry for liking him
I cry for heart
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