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May 10 · 54
Hear me now
Bea May 10
Do not underestimate my loyalty
I will defend proudly
I will protect fiercely
I will love dearly
I will honour tenderly
I will cherish joyfully
I will appreciate always
I will hold tightly
I will listen carefully
I will care for
I will celebrate
myself

Do not underestimate these words
Apr 2020 · 71
Are we done yet?
Bea Apr 2020
When the pin dropped in our little glass house, all the walls shattered around us spilling secrets.
The end came one step closer.

You were the pin
I was the house

I am shattered.

The end is one step closer
Jan 2020 · 266
/
Bea Jan 2020
/
I
                            am
                              a
S
   H
      A
         P
           E
S
  H
     I
       F
         T
            E
               R
                
                                  My
Bones b e n d at my will
Today I will create the most powerful
Unstoppably brave truly wise creature the          world has ever had the privilege to gaze upon.
I will call it
                       T H E Y
Dec 2019 · 161
Untitled
Bea Dec 2019
A tailspin of chaos
I am always in motion
Heart
Mind
Sprit
Whirling so fast my bones leap and bound
I have no interest in stopping
One must be quick if one wants to expand like I do
Aug 2019 · 107
;
Bea Aug 2019
;
I hope you never read anything I’ve written.
Strangers reading my thoughts is one thing but you reading my heart is another,
Talking about you comes as easy to me as breathing.
That’s dangerous.
That scares me.
I’m not sure if there’s a way to say go away without you leaving.
I just need you out of my head for a little while.
Aug 2019 · 108
After the beep
Bea Aug 2019
Hey

I thought tonight would be a good time to tell you that I’m queer.
Maybe.
I’m not really sure quite yet but I’m sure about how I feel so that’s cool.
I’m telling you this because it’s been on my mind a lot,
hopefully this is all temporary because constantly turning around to find a new question makes me dizzy and you know I don’t fall gracefully.

I feel like I'm living life in the absolute middle.
Like seeing the life you dream of living from the backseat but not being sure how to take the wheel
You know what I mean?
Would I feel more alive without the heaviness that hangs off my chest or is life about staying weighted to the ground?

If I could see into the future I’d peek at who I am in a year.
I think that would be fun,
Maybe I would have things figured out then.

Do you remember asking me about who I’m attracted to that one time in the car?
I still can't answer that.
I can’t even figure out if I was born in the right body most of the time so how am I to know who I’m attracted to if I can’t even see what’s in the mirror?

How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I feel like a walking question mark.

Anyways I'll be home in a bit
Call me back
I love you.
Aug 2019 · 351
Untitled
Bea Aug 2019
I said I was fine.
Isn’t that code for nothing’s okay?
why couldn’t you read between my words?
You said you could see right through me.
Aug 2019 · 129
Sorry.
Bea Aug 2019
I’m sick of saying sorry
That word is dead to me.

Filled with half hearted regret and animosity I wish it out of existence everyday

Saying sorry for loving
Saying sorry having a opinion

Apologizing when there is no place for such words is bowing down to those that make you feel so uncomfortable you apologize for simply taking a breath

Saying sorry for needing the help that was offered to you because it’s not convenient right now means that offer was empty from the start

Sorry means I excuse myself from this conversation because I disagree and I know you’ll get angry if I say another word

If I said sorry to ever person I ever disagreed with I wouldn’t be here

Words without action are meaningless and sorry is dead to me
It died long ago

Stop giving other people your power
Jul 2019 · 89
Who started this?
Bea Jul 2019
What is so wrong with being big?
Who made it such a crime?
I wish I could talk to the person that decided what sizes are okay

I want to ask them why
Why can’t I exist like this?
Why do you hate me?
Why won’t you reconsider?

I don’t know how it all started
Maybe it was the first time I was asked about my stretch marks or catching a strangers eyes judging me
One day hate just appeared without notice
Taking shelter in my chest
using my brain as a trampoline
It’s best friend shame came with it and I was trapped
They told me I wasn’t allowed to swim
that my body wasn’t wanted there
fat mermaids don't exist
Hate tore my heart in two and shame poured the lemon juice
I am a bitter lemon hearted woman who can’t live a day without anxiety
I want answers

Why can’t you be big and live a big life too?
Why can't I take up space?

I wish I could talk to the person that started fatphobia and ask them if they know what they are doing

Is it worth hurting so many people?
I want to know who told them it’s okay to act like this
With such anger
Such unreasonable judgment
Such unstoppable ignorance  

Why do you decide my worth?
Who told you my body is your business?
Jul 2019 · 58
Ode to Florence:
Bea Jul 2019
Florence was right when she said happiness is an extremely uneventful subject.
No one ever told me being truly happy feels like you've reached the top

I have learned more from this world than to hide from the inevitable  
When the world goes red and the alarms blare their songs we listen

Maybe it’s hard to write about being happy because when it finally arrives at our door we’ve forgotten it’s journey,
After All it’s all about the destination right?
Or was it all just make believe
Like that time you said monsters didn’t exist.
Happiness is a ship built to wreck and most of us are to afraid to go down with it

I want to see what becomes of those crashing colours
Do they collide and make something greater?
Do the dog days really end?
Jul 2019 · 266
Untitled
Bea Jul 2019
There’s a sign that hangs so far above my head my tunnel vision can’t locate it’s off switch
A glowing neon sign
OPEN 24/7
People are encouraged to
Come in
Get comfortable
Stay a while
Help yourself to whatever your claws can grasp
Leave when you want it’s nothing serious

the neon colours shine so bright I’m blinded

Can you help me they ask

I try until I’m undone
Jul 2019 · 147
I know this much
Bea Jul 2019
For some reason unknown to me
Hate dissipates
I hated myself the most
Every inch of my skin was disgrace to skinny tradition
A helpless fat queer from the start
A little rainbow sheep running through the world with a target on their back
Jul 2019 · 283
I
Bea Jul 2019
I
I bare my soul too easily

I let people in quickly

I hold them for too long

I cast them away gently regardless of the cost

Maybe watching things fade is my fatal flaw
Maybe it’s a blessing

I am cursed to feel for every stranger
and
Fall in love fast
Like losing your breath

Maybe it’s a blessing

Maybe it’s a curse
...
Jul 2019 · 79
hunger
Bea Jul 2019
She wants to be famous
but famous people aren't broken like she is.
she is too hungry for the wrong things
it could **** her.
nobody ever warns you about yourself
how the self destruct button can only be pushed by you.
Jul 2019 · 131
Sunshine boy
Bea Jul 2019
There is peace knowing you died with your family
The love in that room could seen through the darkness of that June night
The kind of love that melts you
We held you and let you go
Leaving us with the greatest of memories
Midnight walks
Sunshine naps
Ocean swims
And long drives
Some of your specialties
There is peace knowing your heart was happy from your first day to your last

There is no peace in your absence
Midnight walks  
Sunshine naps
Ocean swims
long drives
Most of all the sound of you
Will never feel the same
The green grass remembers you
You
My sweet sunshine boy have changed me
May 2019 · 55
Sleeping alone
Bea May 2019
I like my empty bed
There is more space for me here than there ever was for your baggage
Rolling over is a gift and I am the lonesome recipient
Waking up with the sunshine peeking through the window and the robins singing I am reminded how beautiful stillness can be
Lonely does not equal sad
Alone does not equal lonely
That’s what you forgot when you left
Apr 2019 · 88
Details
Bea Apr 2019
Getting out of bed is brave
Choosing to open your blinds is brave
Eating is brave
Every little thing you choose to do is brave no matter how small it may seem
Choosing to do something will alway be brave
Apr 2019 · 87
Unrequited
Bea Apr 2019
He makes me feel good,
When he comes to talk to me because he likes my stories and our secret handshake.
A twisted sadness lives in my belly, it ties itself tightly around my heart contracting my breathing making my face turn a rosy red
No matter how much I try to make it stop I can feel it burning my cheeks.  
I’ve never been anyone’s first priority
Never once have I sat across the table from someone and had them look at me and not my plate.
I am so happy you love someone the way you do
The way I’ve dreamt of forever
A thoughtful tender love that puts every sunset to shame
You love her the way I love you.
Apr 2019 · 67
Virginia Wolf
Bea Apr 2019
I think I hear footsteps on the deck
I Worry about my sister who is almost certainly awake
She hasn’t slept since the first time your rage tore through her skin leaving scars that never really heal
She’s terrified you will come back so she stays awake waiting
It is easier to say that the dam behind her eyes is broken consistently springing leaks than to say she cries a lot
She never stops
There isn’t enough weight behind those words so I try to create new ones for her so she can finally have some justice
My sister was ripped apart like a house in a tornado
What’s gone is gone
She is all 3 little pigs without a home
She is Dorothy with red slippers
She is Alice lost in a foreign land
She is lost
Maybe that’s worst of all
Apr 2019 · 70
being fat in public
Bea Apr 2019
I cry in change rooms bathrooms and at family events
I am the pudgy granddaughter people don’t like looking at
Uncomfortable in doctors offices gyms and food courts I try to hide in plain site
People call me sensitive like its a bad thing so I feel worse
I cry in bed at work and in the car
I am invisible to those that matter and all to visible to those that don’t
Sometimes I wonder how my body could ever forgive me for what I’ve done
Despite my best efforts it has stayed by my side taken on my guilt categorized my grief
Sometimes I wonder why I’ve never tried to **** myself as if that is okay to think about
Even though I’ve wished myself gone I am here
I wonder what is keeping me so grounded and hell bent on living
Depression hits me like waves so I stop eating sugar
Anxiety takes over I go on a juice cleanse but it’s never enough
Because
Being fat in public means you have no right to ask for the vegan option
Don’t get the nice clothes
Should be honored to be cat called
My body is a bulletin board mother's show their daughters and say My dear
Never become that
Apr 2019 · 110
let's call him John
Bea Apr 2019
I am hopelessly in love with a boy in love
He is soft like a cloud
A wide smile that makes the sun shine
He is a boy I could tell my secrets to free from harm
He is a warm embrace
He is safety
The brightest shade of green
He is love
But not mine
Apr 2019 · 75
...
Bea Apr 2019
...
I already knew being a woman isn’t easy  
Walking home from swimming lessons was the first time I was catcalled
I didn’t have a phone
Parents should raise their little girls like warriors
To be a woman today means you know the risk you take everytime you leave your house
Be ready to defend why you wore black instead of blue
Smiled instead of running the other way
Even went out in the first place  
If you dare speak up you better have something original to say
When you tell your daughter about the birds and the bees tell her that sometimes the bees sting
Tell her to carry repellent to ward them off
Make sure she knows that when little boys pull little girls pigtails sometimes it is because they are cruel and not because they like them
Don’t confuse violence for love
Make sure she knows what’s ahead of her
be ready to fight
Apr 2019 · 74
My body is not a offering
Bea Apr 2019
The space I take up isn’t yours to invade
I notice every time a pair of eyes crosses over my body I can feel it like a target on my chest
My heart races and my skin crawls
You can walk a little faster but what happens when those eyes follow you on to the bus
When they sit next to you
Brush past you
Ask you for a moment of your time
Everytime I get away there is another pair of eyes already fixed on me ready to take a bite
Bea Apr 2019
The twisted look on her face is one I know too well
A painful mix of misdirected anger and salt and pepper sadness  
She tells me she can’t breathe
She tells me she’s angry but it’s not my fault
When tears stream down her rosy red cheeks I can’t help but feel responsible
The idea of someone feeling so much it hurts is too much for me
I ask her how I can help
She says she doesn’t know
We sit still in deafening silence and cry
I wonder how many times she can do this
Survive this
It breaks my heart
Apr 2019 · 165
less depressing:
Bea Apr 2019
I have been told to try writing about happy things.
Things like
love
Sunsets
How beautiful flowers are

Allow me to tell you about these things.

Love is never as easy as you think it is people are jumbled messes of mixed signals and confusing conversations
I once was so in love with a boy I hit him with a dodgeball
Sunsets make me think of the future
About the places I dream of going and the rare moments of peace that come with looking up
When I see a flower I stop in awe and think about strong and defiant they are
They make me think of strong women

I think of these things often and smile for simple moments of softness.
Apr 2019 · 333
Spiral
Bea Apr 2019
When I am sad I become numb
Numbness feels like drowning everytime I take a breath  
When I am numb I get quiet
Quiet looks like sleepless nights and not eating
Helplessness sets in anxiety builds inside my chest until it burns me
Nothing feels real
So filled with sorrow I think the wind will sweep away my bones leaving no trace
sometimes I wish it would
Apr 2019 · 79
One sided love
Bea Apr 2019
He asked me if I was flirting with him
I tell him of course
I like the way his voice sounds when he says my name

When he asks me on a date my heart races
When he cancels 2 hours before I feel it stop
The tears that streamed down my cheeks that night changed me

He makes me think this is real
How is your day?
I want to see you.

When he asks me if I’ve ever had *** my stomach turns
I do not want to tell him
I do not want to lose him  
I tell him no
He asks me why
He tells me how good it feels
I mistake butterflies for anxiety
Protection for control
Interest for opportunity

I am so blinded by what I want I don’t see the empty promises until it is too late
All of the warning signs I was too busy to notice begin to flash

He texts me
I feel sick
I cry for liking him
I cry for heart
Apr 2019 · 61
Untitled
Bea Apr 2019
One thing you should know before you lead someone on
They will remember how they felt when you let them down
The way you feel before the roller coaster drops
Excitement
Hope
Fear
They fall until they hit bottom
It’s my fault
I’m stupid for trusting them
I thought they were sweet
When you play with someone’s heart it never goes away in their mind.
Remember that.
Mar 2019 · 76
Honey Lips
Bea Mar 2019
Teach me how you move your lips so softly when you whisper sweet honey words in my ear
The sound of your voice so soft it takes my breath away
Tell me a story
Tell me about your day
Tell me you love me over and over again
With that sweet honey voice of yours I believe it everytime
Mar 2019 · 71
Spring Cleaning
Bea Mar 2019
The sound of music contorts by body in ways that are not weighed down by fear
I feel like the embodiment of joy
Mar 2019 · 90
Resting in the daylight
Bea Mar 2019
There she sat
Perfectly comfortable with her legs crossed and a cup of coffee beside her
The sunlight bounced through the frames of her glasses and onto the paper of the book she was reading
She was the image of peace
Blue jeans
Red shirt
Brown hair
Pink glasses
Mar 2019 · 79
Untitled
Bea Mar 2019
One day you will wake up and you won’t be able to recognize yourself
All the years of worry will fall before your feet
You will be liberated from your fear
You will stand in front of a window and instead of worrying about who may look in you will see the beautiful world before your eyes
I hope when this day comes you are ready to embrace it for the opportunity that it is
A chance to start fresh no strings attached it can be whatever you need it to be.
Mar 2019 · 617
I blame you
Bea Mar 2019
I blame you for loving me.
I blame you for my hard head.
I blame you for my big heart.
I blame you for anxiety.
I blame you for expectations.
I blame you for baby fat.
I blame you for family.
I blame you for showing me what a strong woman looks like.
I blame you for telling me to never settle.

If you are going to blame someone blame them fully for everything they have done good or bad.
Mar 2019 · 203
A one sided conversation
Bea Mar 2019
He asked me what one thing is that I love about myself
I told him I didn’t have just one thing
I love all of myself
Yes even the parts I wish were different
Yes even the parts that have brought me nothing but anxiety
I learned long ago that I am enough of a woman to love myself without exception
Mar 2019 · 76
That time of day
Bea Mar 2019
It’s 2pm
I wish I was standing in the middle of a forest staring up at the sunshine peeking through the trees
Speckles of light shining on my face
I want to stand there barefoot with the grass between my toes and the earth beneath my feet
At 3pm I will lie down in the soft grass and watch the sun begin to set until all I can see are the stars
At 4pm I will fall asleep to the smell of flowers and the sound of the wind
until tomorrow
Bea Mar 2019
Being alone
Cold summer showers
Clean shaven legs
Falling asleep
Feeling validated
Feeling loved
Finishing a good book
Feeling the cold wind run through your hair down your spine
Hot baths after a hard day
Silence
The warm sun on your skin
The smell of rain
The first sip of coffee
The sound of trees in the wind
Mar 2019 · 71
Nostalgia
Bea Mar 2019
I am happy when the sun is on my face
I am happy if I see someone being kind
I am happy because having a good conversation is as good as magic
I am happy for those who are honest to themselves  
I am happy to help someone in need
Mar 2019 · 94
I realized I am enough
Bea Mar 2019
It has taken me twenty years to come to the conclusion that
I am worthy of love
I don’t need to change the parts of me I wish were different to have a conversation
Kindness is a right not a privilege

I do not need to starve myself to deserve love
I do not owe you the skin off my back
I do not owe you size zero
After all this time I know now that I am worth the stars and anything less isn’t worthy
Shrinking isn’t nessacary
Plastic isn’t real
Dreams are true and stories must be cherished

It has taken me twenty years to see myself through eyes of kindness
To realize that care and attention are two very different things
Love and lust are twins most can’t separate
Romantics buy flowers not only when times are tough but when their hearts are full
Car rides at night soothe my soul
Love holds no bounds it’s forms are always different
Looking up can be the difference between living and watching
I am ready.
Mar 2019 · 88
3
Bea Mar 2019
3
Today I am every sad lyric ever sung
My heart drums so slow I wonder if I am alive
Check one
Check two
I am so small I could fit into the palm of your hand without you ever noticing
I am lost CD’s you forgot you had  
People sing of summer and tender first loves
I am neither of those
I am soft whispers at midnight with lips so close I can taste your words
There is no need to sing from rooftops when right here is enough but you insist quiet loves aren't real
So I get smaller
Mar 2019 · 74
A year with you in order
Bea Mar 2019
Road trips in january
Running my hands through your hair on february 14th
Holding your hand in march
Surprising you on your birthday in april
Pancakes in bed all may
Reading in the grass on a hot day in june
Making the bed in july
Unmaking the bed in august
Sleeping in september
Haunted houses and horror movies all october
Crying all november
Coffee shops in december
Loving you always
Mar 2019 · 84
Untitled
Bea Mar 2019
Once I wished I was was bird
Black and blue
I wanted to fly across the world and build a new life
I dreamt of letting the wind sweep me away carrying me wherever it wanted
In my dream I was wild and soft
My will was the only reason my feet ever touched the ground
The days were warm and I was free from worry

I still wish I was a bird sometimes, only now I want to fly to the tops of mountains and look out at the world in wonder.
Mar 2019 · 77
April showers
Bea Mar 2019
April smells like change
Leafs turn golden brown and the sunshine feels like a warm smile
April whispers sweet secrets to me
Her laugh is kind and makes me think of clouds
She wraps her arms around me and all at once I feel safe
Fall is coming and soon we will grow apart the way roots do
Tonight the skies will cry for us as we speak of the future
Tomorrow when you walk away I will say goodbye with a full heart
Mar 2019 · 374
Fantastically ordinary
Bea Mar 2019
To be fantastically ordinary is to love yourself and to know you are enough
you are wanted on this earth
I want you here
A body is just a shell that holds your spirit like a mason jar holds wishes
love it like it’s your last
Love it like its fragile it can crack and break
Love it like its precious
Every inch of you is a masterpiece no mistakes were made
I hope you wake up one day look in the mirror with your messy hair and bad breath and say to yourself
I love you.
You are enough.
Bea Mar 2019
When I want to be seen
I want the world to turn it’s head and admire me all at once,
Bask in my glow and worship every inch of me.
I am sculpted from marble and ivory,
Every inch of my skin is precious
I shine in the sunlight like church windows on sunday.

When I want to be invisible every glance feels like a knife in my back,
eyes like daggers
ordinary bystanders morph into hallway critics
Clipboards out pens at the ready
A special page to circle my flaws
highlight my insecurities
underline my fears
I am all at once vulnerable in a place where vulnerability is a very dangerous thing to be.
Mar 2019 · 146
I want to start over
Bea Mar 2019
I will stand on the beach with my feet buried in the cold sand, a few cuts never hurt anyone.
When I look out at the crashing waves my eyes fixed on the blue I start to walk
I walk until my legs are pins and needles until the clothes on my back washes away and I am nothing more that the sum of my parts,
A beating heart
Speckled skin
My tears turn to pearls.
I walk until water becomes air and suddenly the cold doesn’t bother me anymore.
I want to keep walking until water fills my brain and washes me away.
I think to myself today feels like a good day to cross the ocean,
Today feels like a good day to leave it all behind.
Feb 2019 · 138
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
one day
i want to
drift
so far into space that i can no longer see my
home
i want to be so
lost
that no one remembers what i've done
in
the
cold
dark
nothingness
i want to experience                                                                                
                                                     Life.
Feb 2019 · 114
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
Sometimes,
my heart is so hungry I wonder if anyone will be enough to fill me up
It’s a hollow hunger that lingers in my dreams like coals that still burn long after a fire dies.
Feb 2019 · 91
Untitled
Bea Feb 2019
It has been my honour to be loved by you
Feb 2019 · 185
True story
Bea Feb 2019
A man I don’t know walks up to me at work and hands me a bible, says he’s been watching me, that I look like I could use some help and that I seem upset all the time.

Maybe I'm upset because

At work a man tells me getting high will relax me before *** that it will "make it easier"
A man calls me sugar **** while I walk  to the bathroom
A man follows me to the bus stop and asked for a smile
My uneasy eyes a neon invitation for a catcall
“A woman’s work is never done” whispered to me in the produce section of a grocery store
While I walk to go on my lunch break a man asks if I will f*ck his friend “ You can eat him!”
What’s your name?
I like your hair
What are you reading?
Can I sit here?
You got a boyfriend?
I can bang you straight
Do you need help with that?

I don’t need help from a man when a man is my biggest issue, not even god could fix this.
Wouldn’t you be upset
Feb 2019 · 59
I will not die here
Bea Feb 2019
Pull me apart until I am nothing but bone and stardust
Cut me with your words
10,000 little cuts
Hold be tightly in your arms and beg for me

There is no light here
In the wanting
It is dark and lonely
I am red and raw and angry
I hold my breath until I am just a memory
My bones are not yours
There is no place for you here
I will not catch you
I will not die here
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