I hope you never read anything I’ve written.
Strangers reading my thoughts is one thing but you reading my heart is another,
Talking about you comes as easy to me as breathing.
That’s dangerous.
That scares me.
I’m not sure if there’s a way to say go away without you leaving.
I just need you out of my head for a little while.

I
                            am
                              a
S
   H
      A
         P
           E
S
  H
     I
       F
         T
            E
               R
                
                                  My
Bones b e n d at my will
Today I will create the most powerful
Unstoppably brave truly wise creature the          world has ever had the privilege to gaze upon.
I will call it
                       T H E Y

I already knew being a woman isn’t easy  
Walking home from swimming lessons was the first time I was catcalled
I didn’t have a phone
Parents should raise their little girls like warriors
To be a woman today means you know the risk you take everytime you leave your house
Be ready to defend why you wore black instead of blue
Smiled instead of running the other way
Even went out in the first place  
If you dare speak up you better have something original to say
When you tell your daughter about the birds and the bees tell her that sometimes the bees sting
Tell her to carry repellent to ward them off
Make sure she knows that when little boys pull little girls pigtails sometimes it is because they are cruel and not because they like them
Don’t confuse violence for love
Make sure she knows what’s ahead of her

Today I am every sad lyric ever sung
My heart drums so slow I wonder if I am alive
Check one
Check two
I am so small I could fit into the palm of your hand without you ever noticing
I am lost CD’s you forgot you had  
People sing of summer and tender first loves
I am neither of those
I am soft whispers at midnight with lips so close I can taste your words
There is no need to sing from rooftops when right here is enough but you insist quiet loves aren't real
So I get smaller

I am tired of hearing these thoughts of mine
Waiting for a miraculous change of body and soul driven by hope and nothing more

The sick feeling lying heavy deep in my chest never passes
It is always waiting for a opportunity to plant doubt and create more sadness    

My own personal enemy

Pause
When the force of others assumption filled judgments stop you in your tracks
Telling you
What to wear
How to act
And
Who to love

Breathe
You are not the only one questioning the World right now the questions we have take time to answer but they will come


Repeat
These words
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I be free from inner and outer harm
May I care for myself joyfully

Take care of yourself

Hey

I thought tonight would be a good time to tell you that I’m queer.
Maybe.
I’m not really sure quite yet but I’m sure about how I feel so that’s cool.
I’m telling you this because it’s been on my mind a lot,
hopefully this is all temporary because constantly turning around to find a new question makes me dizzy and you know I don’t fall gracefully.

I feel like I'm living life in the absolute middle.
Like seeing the life you dream of living from the backseat but not being sure how to take the wheel
You know what I mean?
Would I feel more alive without the heaviness that hangs off my chest or is life about staying weighted to the ground?

If I could see into the future I’d peek at who I am in a year.
I think that would be fun,
Maybe I would have things figured out then.

Do you remember asking me about who I’m attracted to that one time in the car?
I still can't answer that.
I can’t even figure out if I was born in the right body most of the time so how am I to know who I’m attracted to if I can’t even see what’s in the mirror?

How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I feel like a walking question mark.

Anyways I'll be home in a bit
Call me back
I love you.

You are not alone
They call us
*****
Intense
High strung
All because they can’t handle us

Our truth is too powerful for them
They tremble and fear our power
So much
That the only way for them to justify their Own insecurities is to put us down

The aggressive girls are the ones with so
Much truth in their hearts that it blinds People who stare with jealousy
The world can not push us into conformity So they try to put us down
Making half jokes so they don’t get in Trouble for what they said
“I was kidding”
“Don’t take everything so seriously”
“It was a joke”
People who hide behind fake laughter Always get put in their place

Remember
When they put you down
Pick at your wounds
Try to infect your mind
You are the one who is winning.

He asked me what one thing is that I love about myself
I told him I didn’t have just one thing
I love all of myself
Yes even the parts I wish were different
Yes even the parts that have brought me nothing but anxiety
I learned long ago that I am enough of a woman to love myself without exception

April smells like change
Leafs turn golden brown and the sunshine feels like a warm smile
April whispers sweet secrets to me
Her laugh is kind and makes me think of clouds
She wraps her arms around me and all at once I feel safe
Fall is coming and soon we will grow apart the way roots do
Tonight the skies will cry for us as we speak of the future
Tomorrow when you walk away I will say goodbye with a full heart

When the pin dropped in our little glass house, all the walls shattered around us spilling secrets.
The end came one step closer.

You were the pin
I was the house

I am shattered.

The end is one step closer

I’m not sure I can hold you in my arms
I am scared that you will feel my feverish heart and ask me what’s wrong

Well my darling
The world is just too much for me right now, the weight pressed against my chest each day keeps waking me up telling me to hide
It clings to my soul

To be seen by your bright blue eyes is to be seen by the universe itself and feel all together that I am not alone

My chest against your chest is the closest thing I’ve ever been to weightless
To be whole heartedly understood is to be loved and you my dear are my greatest love

Road trips in january
Running my hands through your hair on february 14th
Holding your hand in march
Surprising you on your birthday in april
Pancakes in bed all may
Reading in the grass on a hot day in june
Making the bed in july
Unmaking the bed in august
Sleeping in september
Haunted houses and horror movies all october
Crying all november
Coffee shops in december
Loving you always

When I die
Scatter my ashes from the tops of great mountains
Watch me finally become a bird
Absolutely free
I will sit in meadows with the birds and the bees
I will become the sun and I will shine down on your sweet freckles and you will know that you are not alone

Getting out of bed is brave
Choosing to open your blinds is brave
Eating is brave
Every little thing you choose to do is brave no matter how small it may seem
Choosing to do something will alway be brave

I hope you don’t because if you do your last excuse just ran out,
If you see me how could you not help me?
I wear my heart on my forehead waiting to be read
Scrubbed clean of all agony.

If you can see my suffering but do nothing
To help then you are just as bad as the rest of the world
I
Would
Help
You
From across the sea I would fly
I would scoop you up into my arms and shelter you from harm
I would hold you close and tell you it will be okay
I would make it all okay
I would help you hold your sorrow.

Perhaps
one of the saddest things of all is
knowing the love I’ve dreamt of forever
will never come to be
my heart clings to the idea of you more than my hands can hold.

The version of love only a young mind could create and a naive mind could hold onto
every make-believe date
every possible first kiss
every midnight conversation
Yet to come to life.

Maybe it never will.

To be fantastically ordinary is to love yourself and to know you are enough
you are wanted on this earth
I want you here
A body is just a shell that holds your spirit like a mason jar holds wishes
love it like it’s your last
Love it like its fragile it can crack and break
Love it like its precious
Every inch of you is a masterpiece no mistakes were made
I hope you wake up one day look in the mirror with your messy hair and bad breath and say to yourself
I love you.
You are enough.

I remember sitting in a car looking at your wrist
White ribbon wrapped around it
When I asked you what happened the car went silent
All I could hear was that question racing through my mind
What happened?
We were sitting in a grocery store parking lot when I first found out you wanted to die
The sky was blue and we didn’t know what to have for supper
I can’t remember how it came to this
I don’t know why you feel so broken
But now I am broken too
I can still see the exact parking spot we sat in and cried
I avoid it like the plague
Mom was heartbroken
I am heartbroken
You were numb
I was in the back seat of a silver mini cooper the moment I truly found out what heartache feels like
My world crashed around me
At night when I hear you cry I feel like I’m back in that car asking
What happened
When I see the scar on your wrist I think of every sharp object in the house and I want to burn it all
I can’t see a band-aid without thinking about you
Can’t drive over a bridge without counting the times I almost lost you
I wish I could cradle your heart in my hands and make everything okay again
I still ask myself what happened sometimes but now the answer seems even farther away from me
I thank every god
Every leaf
Every tiny living creature that you are still with me
My dear sweet sister
I love you.

I stopped looking for you in the sun and the stars
you don’t belong there
you will never do them justice.
When I look up at the night sky absolutely mesmerized by the possibility of such beauty I no longer think of you.
You belong on earth, so grounded by your own rigidness that flight is impossible.

Do not underestimate my loyalty
I will defend proudly
I will protect fiercely
I will love dearly
I will honour tenderly
I will cherish joyfully
I will appreciate always
I will hold tightly
I will listen carefully
I will care for
I will celebrate
myself

Do not underestimate these words

Teach me how you move your lips so softly when you whisper sweet honey words in my ear
The sound of your voice so soft it takes my breath away
Tell me a story
Tell me about your day
Tell me you love me over and over again
With that sweet honey voice of yours I believe it everytime

What doesn’t **** you makes you stronger.
I hope I live long enough to feel stronger,
I hope this was all worth it,
That I truly am a better person for holding onto the hope that tomorrow will be better
Will be easier.

I hope to god it’s true.

Like waves against the shore
Thoughts flood my mind filling it with  bitter salt and half truths.
I am not lovable
Not desirable
Not ready to be loved
These thoughts aren’t true but my heart believes them.

Wishful thinking about holding hands and long phone calls ending in i love you.
I see a lover in every pair of eyes that meet mine
The hunger my heart creates shoots through my veins spreading fire through my body
Only stoping when I look in the mirror,
I do not love myself
Not yet.

I am lonely until I see another fight between two lovers
I do not wish to be broken like that
I do not with to hurt like that

I am lonely... I think
Until I see myself and think
I
Am
Enough

I blame you for loving me.
I blame you for my hard head.
I blame you for my big heart.
I blame you for anxiety.
I blame you for expectations.
I blame you for baby fat.
I blame you for family.
I blame you for showing me what a strong woman looks like.
I blame you for telling me to never settle.

If you are going to blame someone blame them fully for everything they have done good or bad.

I am standing by a window when I say it
I
Can’t
Love
you
Anymore
It doesn’t hurt me like I thought it would.
When something is a long time coming the moment it arrives a strange relief comes with it.

You are not the same person you once were
The boy I loved is nowhere to be seen,
You
Became so angry with the world
you lost your way and yourself along with it.
I stood beside you seeing both black and white unable to see the cause of such sadness but when you told me it all made sense
A young boy with nothing became a man with much more
but the boy remained alone behind closed doors.
When I tell you I can’t love you
You walk away leaving me at the window looking out at the blue sky
I wish I was sad, a love like ours should be mourned.
Neither of us turn around, neither of us say goodbye
It is done.

When I wake
I wake to you and your ocean blue eyes staring at me, like always
My heart fills with joy you see you
My mind relieved to know it was all a dream

I hope you know I heard you

Every comment said at a hush tone
Every crooked look my way
You
The boy who would rather call the girl you love fat to all of your friends than admit you love her
Too afraid to be honest so you turn to cruelty
The pathetic way out

I don’t have time to wait for you too change
I am too tired to hold onto your insecurities for you so I’m setting them down

I’m putting all of my hurt feelings and doubts on a shelf and letting them sit there
In the morning I will throw them away along with every love letter written and flower gifted

I am going to step into the shower and wash away the feel of you off of my skin
Wash the sound of your voice out of my mind
Rinse the way you smile at me out of my hair
When I am done I will wrap myself in my own love and once again I will be enough
me
a beautiful fat girl standing all alone
But this time being alone won’t bother me

It has taken me twenty years to come to the conclusion that
I am worthy of love
I don’t need to change the parts of me I wish were different to have a conversation
Kindness is a right not a privilege

I do not need to starve myself to deserve love
I do not owe you the skin off my back
I do not owe you size zero
After all this time I know now that I am worth the stars and anything less isn’t worthy
Shrinking isn’t nessacary
Plastic isn’t real
Dreams are true and stories must be cherished

It has taken me twenty years to see myself through eyes of kindness
To realize that care and attention are two very different things
Love and lust are twins most can’t separate
Romantics buy flowers not only when times are tough but when their hearts are full
Car rides at night soothe my soul
Love holds no bounds it’s forms are always different
Looking up can be the difference between living and watching
I am ready.

I will stand on the beach with my feet buried in the cold sand, a few cuts never hurt anyone.
When I look out at the crashing waves my eyes fixed on the blue I start to walk
I walk until my legs are pins and needles until the clothes on my back washes away and I am nothing more that the sum of my parts,
A beating heart
Speckled skin
My tears turn to pearls.
I walk until water becomes air and suddenly the cold doesn’t bother me anymore.
I want to keep walking until water fills my brain and washes me away.
I think to myself today feels like a good day to cross the ocean,
Today feels like a good day to leave it all behind.

Pull me apart until I am nothing but bone and stardust
Cut me with your words
10,000 little cuts
Hold be tightly in your arms and beg for me

There is no light here
In the wanting
It is dark and lonely
I am red and raw and angry
I hold my breath until I am just a memory
My bones are not yours
There is no place for you here
I will not catch you
I will not die here

I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself

Can you hear it?
that was the sound of all of the air leaving my chest,
The blood from my cheeks rushing to my toes.
I feel like I’m being crushed by some unseen force capable of separating my soul from my bones,
I will never be the same.

This vast distance between us leaves me feeling hollow and alone.
My mind thinks of nothing but you.
My ears don’t hear the warnings about you because my eyes are fixed on yours.
But my heart
The compass that guided me to you is
pounding in my chest telling me
Go
Run
Leave.
The pounding shoots pins and needles through my skin leaving doubt in my mind and a kind of ache that I can only describe as agony.
Do you love me?

All balance is off course.

The silence between us rips us apart as it pushes us away.
When I ask you again
Silence.
Please talk to me
Silence.
I know you are suffering
Silence.
Let me help you.
Let me in.
I know you want to shelter me,
Save me from your past.
But if love knows no bounds
I will endure.
Tonight is different
I need you to tell me to stay,
I don’t want to make this choice alone.
My heart is yours,
I am yours.
Just tell me to stay.

You stand there
Silent
Eyes locked with mine.
I turn away
Silent
I know you want me to stay.
I know you need me to go.
I know you love me enough let me leave.
We both know now is not our time but we still can’t let go.
I can’t let you go.

I wish you did something,
I wish I hated you.
But no love has been lost here, we just need time to grow.
I want to grow with you baby, but you are so quiet and I am so loud.
You need time to write your wrongs and the time is now.

Please listen to me when I tell you goodbye, it’s only for now not forever.
My heart is yours
I am yours and you are mine.
I will not stop loving you as fiercely as i always have.
Our eyes will meet again baby and when they do
Sparks
      Will
           Fly.

I have grown tired of people telling me about my body
That these little Red lines that speckle my skin should never see the light of day

I have Grown tired of pulling shirts down and pants up
Applying remedies to the red hot blush of my shame

This body of mine
Blessed with the gift of life
Smothered with chemicals designed Tighten
Tone
Erase

For what?

When I come home and wash it all away
I am still left standing here with myself
Red
And
Raw

A girl who was told that to be beautiful and desirable
Little red lines can never be seen.

Where I am now and where I want to be feel like they are oceans apart.
Going from lost to found seems easy, but what happens when found is a mystery and lost is the never ending doubt of identity and self worth.

My lost looks like a cycle:
Me finding a spark of inspiration
Chasing it relentlessly
Hitting a wall of self doubt and "reality"
And going back to bed because the weight of the world is too much today.

My lost feels like a collection of ups and downs
Up
what I have to offer the world and the skills that I have will help people.
Down
I am incapable of finding love in this body of mine
People don’t look for inner beauty the way they do in movies, The self worth I feel is a illusion I created for myself because I am alone.

My lost feels like a never ending stomach  ache that I am doomed to have forever.
The body becomes so used to pain it numbs the senses.
The pounding in my head tells me the choices I make will never amount to anything.
I wonder if anyone feels the same way I do
Finding a friend in the darkness sounds nice right now.

The space I take up isn’t yours to invade
I notice every time a pair of eyes crosses over my body I can feel it like a target on my chest
My heart races and my skin crawls
You can walk a little faster but what happens when those eyes follow you on to the bus
When they sit next to you
Brush past you
Ask you for a moment of your time
Everytime I get away there is another pair of eyes already fixed on me ready to take a bite

I am happy when the sun is on my face
I am happy if I see someone being kind
I am happy because having a good conversation is as good as magic
I am happy for those who are honest to themselves  
I am happy to help someone in need

Florence was right when she said happiness is an extremely uneventful subject.
No one ever told me being truly happy feels like you've reached the top

I have learned more from this world than to hide from the inevitable  
When the world goes red and the alarms blare their songs we listen

Maybe it’s hard to write about being happy because when it finally arrives at our door we’ve forgotten it’s journey,
After All it’s all about the destination right?
Or was it all just make believe
Like that time you said monsters didn’t exist.
Happiness is a ship built to wreck and most of us are to afraid to go down with it

I want to see what becomes of those crashing colours
Do they collide and make something greater?
Do the dog days really end?

A quiet girl looks at herself in her bathroom mirror
She touches her lips wondering where her courage went as she stains them ruby red  
Quiet girl stands on the bus
Not at the back
Never at the back
She watches people stare out the foggy windows
making up stories about them
A doctor
A lawyer
A broken heart
She doesn’t want to be seen only see
Quiet girl stands in amazement at how so many quiet conversations make such a loud voice in her head
Stories of lost loves and newfound adventure make for much better entertainment than a phone screen
She sees a woman weeping not crying
Never crying
Quiet tears fall from her eyes like peaceful waterfalls
Her eyes speak to the girl
She understands
She names the weeping woman
Lucy
Lucy listens to sad music and likes to eat cherry pie
She is a woman of wonderings
A dreamer
She sits at the back of the bus
legs crossed
The girl watches small sounds escape lucy’s ruby red lips like morse code  
Faint cries for help
quiet girl watches Lucy curl herself smaller into her seat as the man next to her expands his hungry reach
Quiet girl watches lucy’s eyes scream so loud she can hear it
She offers her a glance of understanding of shared fear
But this is her stop and she’s late for school
She gets off the bus and watches lucy drive away
She should have known better the quiet girl thought
Never sit at the back of the bus

One pillow
Between my legs
I hold it there at night giving myself a false Sense of security and a curve to my spine That says I love you

Two pillow
Wrapped around my arms
The illusion of your sturdy chest
Heart beating
Your skin warm against my cheek
I am safe here with your arms around my hips  
Our legs tangled together like two Perfectly woven pieces of fabric
Heartbeats sync
Eyes slowly close
I love you’s whispered

Open your eyes

One pillow
Between my legs giving me a false sense of security and a strong stiff spine

Two pillow
I wrap my arms around it tight
Wishing you had a sturdy heart
Wishing you were here

But pillow thoughts are always hopeful for things that will never be.

What do you do when you aren’t sure about a boy?
When your brain and body are telling two different sides of the same story?

Brain:
I like the way he talks “ ladies first” “I’d never lie to you”
He looks like a kind hug and a warm night.
Do you show him who you are or cut him off?
The unknown is such a dark and scary place
Stories of girls with broken hearts and boys with grudges.
What do I do?

Body:
Red alert a unknown boy is getting too close and I don’t know how to feel!
He
Want’s
To
See
Me
What do I do?
He
Want’s
To
Hold
Me
With his hands
His hands.
I want to run and hide.
I want to be in invisible again, the pressure of attention is too unknown. Too close. No boy has ever been this close.

Parents tell their little girls to trust their instincts
Is this fear of the unknown or a warning from within? How do you tell?
Does love feel like a risk of self security?
People describe it as a jump.
Mixed messages and signals all over my skin I don’t know if I hate it or love it.
Is
This
Love
Lust
Or
Loneliness?
He want’s to call me baby, do I want that too?
He want’s to read beside me, is he real?
He want’s to
See
Me
Me
Me.

I want to leave who I was behind

Free from my solitary achievement
The only story you care about
The thing on your mind while you look me up and down
My pain is the object of your attention

I will never tell you all my secrets
You’ve never deserved to know and it’s far too late for you to change

I want the peace I am owed
I want the silence I crave
I want the freedom you’ve taken for granted


I want to leave who I was behind and step into a new chapter
A story known only to me
Unread by outsiders
Unedited by critics

I will never tell you all my secrets but I will tell you this
One day I will leave you behind

My solitary achievement.