I want to leave who I was behind

Free from my solitary achievement
The only story you care about
The thing on your mind while you look me up and down
My pain is the object of your attention

I will never tell you all my secrets
You’ve never deserved to know and it’s far too late for you to change

I want the peace I am owed
I want the silence I crave
I want the freedom you’ve taken for granted


I want to leave who I was behind and step into a new chapter
A story known only to me
Unread by outsiders
Unedited by critics

I will never tell you all my secrets but I will tell you this
One day I will leave you behind

My solitary achievement.

Do not underestimate my loyalty
I will defend proudly
I will protect fiercely
I will love dearly
I will honour tenderly
I will cherish joyfully
I will appreciate always
I will hold tightly
I will listen carefully
I will care for
I will celebrate
myself

Do not underestimate these words

When the pin dropped in our little glass house, all the walls shattered around us spilling secrets.
The end came one step closer.

You were the pin
I was the house

I am shattered.

The end is one step closer

I
                            am
                              a
S
   H
      A
         P
           E
S
  H
     I
       F
         T
            E
               R
                
                                  My
Bones b e n d at my will
Today I will create the most powerful
Unstoppably brave truly wise creature the          world has ever had the privilege to gaze upon.
I will call it
                       T H E Y

A tailspin of chaos
I am always in motion
Heart
Mind
Sprit
Whirling so fast my bones leap and bound
I have no interest in stopping
One must be quick if one wants to expand like I do

I hope you never read anything I’ve written.
Strangers reading my thoughts is one thing but you reading my heart is another,
Talking about you comes as easy to me as breathing.
That’s dangerous.
That scares me.
I’m not sure if there’s a way to say go away without you leaving.
I just need you out of my head for a little while.

Hey

I thought tonight would be a good time to tell you that I’m queer.
Maybe.
I’m not really sure quite yet but I’m sure about how I feel so that’s cool.
I’m telling you this because it’s been on my mind a lot,
hopefully this is all temporary because constantly turning around to find a new question makes me dizzy and you know I don’t fall gracefully.

I feel like I'm living life in the absolute middle.
Like seeing the life you dream of living from the backseat but not being sure how to take the wheel
You know what I mean?
Would I feel more alive without the heaviness that hangs off my chest or is life about staying weighted to the ground?

If I could see into the future I’d peek at who I am in a year.
I think that would be fun,
Maybe I would have things figured out then.

Do you remember asking me about who I’m attracted to that one time in the car?
I still can't answer that.
I can’t even figure out if I was born in the right body most of the time so how am I to know who I’m attracted to if I can’t even see what’s in the mirror?

How am I supposed to figure any of this out?
I feel like a walking question mark.

Anyways I'll be home in a bit
Call me back
I love you.

Florence was right when she said happiness is an extremely uneventful subject.
No one ever told me being truly happy feels like you've reached the top

I have learned more from this world than to hide from the inevitable  
When the world goes red and the alarms blare their songs we listen

Maybe it’s hard to write about being happy because when it finally arrives at our door we’ve forgotten it’s journey,
After All it’s all about the destination right?
Or was it all just make believe
Like that time you said monsters didn’t exist.
Happiness is a ship built to wreck and most of us are to afraid to go down with it

I want to see what becomes of those crashing colours
Do they collide and make something greater?
Do the dog days really end?

There’s a sign that hangs so far above my head my tunnel vision can’t locate it’s off switch
A glowing neon sign
OPEN 24/7
People are encouraged to
Come in
Get comfortable
Stay a while
Help yourself to whatever your claws can grasp
Leave when you want it’s nothing serious

the neon colours shine so bright I’m blinded

Can you help me they ask

I try until I’m undone

I like my empty bed
There is more space for me here than there ever was for your baggage
Rolling over is a gift and I am the lonesome recipient
Waking up with the sunshine peeking through the window and the robins singing I am reminded how beautiful stillness can be
Lonely does not equal sad
Alone does not equal lonely
That’s what you forgot when you left

Getting out of bed is brave
Choosing to open your blinds is brave
Eating is brave
Every little thing you choose to do is brave no matter how small it may seem
Choosing to do something will alway be brave

He makes me feel good,
When he comes to talk to me because he likes my stories and our secret handshake.
A twisted sadness lives in my belly, it ties itself tightly around my heart contracting my breathing making my face turn a rosy red
No matter how much I try to make it stop I can feel it burning my cheeks.  
I’ve never been anyone’s first priority
Never once have I sat across the table from someone and had them look at me and not my plate.
I am so happy you love someone the way you do
The way I’ve dreamt of forever
A thoughtful tender love that puts every sunset to shame
You love her the way I love you.

I already knew being a woman isn’t easy  
Walking home from swimming lessons was the first time I was catcalled
I didn’t have a phone
Parents should raise their little girls like warriors
To be a woman today means you know the risk you take everytime you leave your house
Be ready to defend why you wore black instead of blue
Smiled instead of running the other way
Even went out in the first place  
If you dare speak up you better have something original to say
When you tell your daughter about the birds and the bees tell her that sometimes the bees sting
Tell her to carry repellent to ward them off
Make sure she knows that when little boys pull little girls pigtails sometimes it is because they are cruel and not because they like them
Don’t confuse violence for love
Make sure she knows what’s ahead of her

The space I take up isn’t yours to invade
I notice every time a pair of eyes crosses over my body I can feel it like a target on my chest
My heart races and my skin crawls
You can walk a little faster but what happens when those eyes follow you on to the bus
When they sit next to you
Brush past you
Ask you for a moment of your time
Everytime I get away there is another pair of eyes already fixed on me ready to take a bite

One thing you should know before you lead someone on
They will remember how they felt when you let them down
The way you feel before the roller coaster drops
Excitement
Hope
Fear
They fall until they hit bottom
It’s my fault
I’m stupid for trusting them
I thought they were sweet
When you play with someone’s heart it never goes away in their mind.
Remember that.

Teach me how you move your lips so softly when you whisper sweet honey words in my ear
The sound of your voice so soft it takes my breath away
Tell me a story
Tell me about your day
Tell me you love me over and over again
With that sweet honey voice of yours I believe it everytime

The sound of music contorts by body in ways that are not weighed down by fear
I feel like the embodiment of joy

There she sat
Perfectly comfortable with her legs crossed and a cup of coffee beside her
The sunlight bounced through the frames of her glasses and onto the paper of the book she was reading
She was the image of peace
Blue jeans
Red shirt
Brown hair
Pink glasses

One day you will wake up and you won’t be able to recognize yourself
All the years of worry will fall before your feet
You will be liberated from your fear
You will stand in front of a window and instead of worrying about who may look in you will see the beautiful world before your eyes
I hope when this day comes you are ready to embrace it for the opportunity that it is
A chance to start fresh no strings attached it can be whatever you need it to be.

I blame you for loving me.
I blame you for my hard head.
I blame you for my big heart.
I blame you for anxiety.
I blame you for expectations.
I blame you for baby fat.
I blame you for family.
I blame you for showing me what a strong woman looks like.
I blame you for telling me to never settle.

If you are going to blame someone blame them fully for everything they have done good or bad.

He asked me what one thing is that I love about myself
I told him I didn’t have just one thing
I love all of myself
Yes even the parts I wish were different
Yes even the parts that have brought me nothing but anxiety
I learned long ago that I am enough of a woman to love myself without exception

It’s 2pm
I wish I was standing in the middle of a forest staring up at the sunshine peeking through the trees
Speckles of light shining on my face
I want to stand there barefoot with the grass between my toes and the earth beneath my feet
At 3pm I will lie down in the soft grass and watch the sun begin to set until all I can see are the stars
At 4pm I will fall asleep to the smell of flowers and the sound of the wind
until tomorrow

Being alone
Cold summer showers
Clean shaven legs
Falling asleep
Feeling validated
Feeling loved
Finishing a good book
Feeling the cold wind run through your hair down your spine
Hot baths after a hard day
Silence
The warm sun on your skin
The smell of rain
The first sip of coffee
The sound of trees in the wind

I am happy when the sun is on my face
I am happy if I see someone being kind
I am happy because having a good conversation is as good as magic
I am happy for those who are honest to themselves  
I am happy to help someone in need

It has taken me twenty years to come to the conclusion that
I am worthy of love
I don’t need to change the parts of me I wish were different to have a conversation
Kindness is a right not a privilege

I do not need to starve myself to deserve love
I do not owe you the skin off my back
I do not owe you size zero
After all this time I know now that I am worth the stars and anything less isn’t worthy
Shrinking isn’t nessacary
Plastic isn’t real
Dreams are true and stories must be cherished

It has taken me twenty years to see myself through eyes of kindness
To realize that care and attention are two very different things
Love and lust are twins most can’t separate
Romantics buy flowers not only when times are tough but when their hearts are full
Car rides at night soothe my soul
Love holds no bounds it’s forms are always different
Looking up can be the difference between living and watching
I am ready.

Today I am every sad lyric ever sung
My heart drums so slow I wonder if I am alive
Check one
Check two
I am so small I could fit into the palm of your hand without you ever noticing
I am lost CD’s you forgot you had  
People sing of summer and tender first loves
I am neither of those
I am soft whispers at midnight with lips so close I can taste your words
There is no need to sing from rooftops when right here is enough but you insist quiet loves aren't real
So I get smaller

Road trips in january
Running my hands through your hair on february 14th
Holding your hand in march
Surprising you on your birthday in april
Pancakes in bed all may
Reading in the grass on a hot day in june
Making the bed in july
Unmaking the bed in august
Sleeping in september
Haunted houses and horror movies all october
Crying all november
Coffee shops in december
Loving you always

Once I wished I was was bird
Black and blue
I wanted to fly across the world and build a new life
I dreamt of letting the wind sweep me away carrying me wherever it wanted
In my dream I was wild and soft
My will was the only reason my feet ever touched the ground
The days were warm and I was free from worry

I still wish I was a bird sometimes, only now I want to fly to the tops of mountains and look out at the world in wonder.

April smells like change
Leafs turn golden brown and the sunshine feels like a warm smile
April whispers sweet secrets to me
Her laugh is kind and makes me think of clouds
She wraps her arms around me and all at once I feel safe
Fall is coming and soon we will grow apart the way roots do
Tonight the skies will cry for us as we speak of the future
Tomorrow when you walk away I will say goodbye with a full heart

To be fantastically ordinary is to love yourself and to know you are enough
you are wanted on this earth
I want you here
A body is just a shell that holds your spirit like a mason jar holds wishes
love it like it’s your last
Love it like its fragile it can crack and break
Love it like its precious
Every inch of you is a masterpiece no mistakes were made
I hope you wake up one day look in the mirror with your messy hair and bad breath and say to yourself
I love you.
You are enough.

When I want to be seen
I want the world to turn it’s head and admire me all at once,
Bask in my glow and worship every inch of me.
I am sculpted from marble and ivory,
Every inch of my skin is precious
I shine in the sunlight like church windows on sunday.

When I want to be invisible every glance feels like a knife in my back,
eyes like daggers
ordinary bystanders morph into hallway critics
Clipboards out pens at the ready
A special page to circle my flaws
highlight my insecurities
underline my fears
I am all at once vulnerable in a place where vulnerability is a very dangerous thing to be.

I will stand on the beach with my feet buried in the cold sand, a few cuts never hurt anyone.
When I look out at the crashing waves my eyes fixed on the blue I start to walk
I walk until my legs are pins and needles until the clothes on my back washes away and I am nothing more that the sum of my parts,
A beating heart
Speckled skin
My tears turn to pearls.
I walk until water becomes air and suddenly the cold doesn’t bother me anymore.
I want to keep walking until water fills my brain and washes me away.
I think to myself today feels like a good day to cross the ocean,
Today feels like a good day to leave it all behind.

one day
i want to
drift
so far into space that i can no longer see my
home
i want to be so
lost
that no one remembers what i've done
in
the
cold
dark
nothingness
i want to experience                                                                                
                                                     Life.

Sometimes,
my heart is so hungry I wonder if anyone will be enough to fill me up
It’s a hollow hunger that lingers in my dreams like coals that still burn long after a fire dies.

It has been my honour to be loved by you