Some days I’m floored
Some days it’s still a shock
Some days I’m so happy I cry
because I never thought I would be
There’s so much I would love to tell you
and so much you already know
Your belief in me has remained
after your death
Your hugs have lasted
longer than from when you let go
I miss you mum
But I feel you in my life
stronger than ever
I’m becoming myself
and you’re right there
You’d be so proud of me

I know most people don’t like
This weather
But to me
It’s perfect

It’s misty and mysterious
It’s blustery and beautiful
It’s rainy and refreshing

Nobody here
All to myself

My eyes sting
From searching for answers
My head aches
From the noise of my thoughts
A torturous dripping-tap of anxiety
Thought after thought
Overlapping
Like the piles of papers surrounding me
Fact, fiction, dates, past, future
The absence of now
All ******* up
Into a weighty ball of
Stuff
Rolling around
With no direction
It makes
No sense

You’re embrace
makes the world disappear
You arms around me
Makes my body melt and soften
Your hold spreads a slowness that moves outward like liquid nitrogen
If liquid nitrogen were warm instead
Everything slows down and stops
Arresto momentum
Your words and eyes
Melt hard spikes of metal
Ones that have grown
quicker than realised
in my throat and chest

There’s a beauty in the darkness
That’s been niggling at me
There’s something deep inside there
That just wants to be free

Amongst the darkness
There brews courage
Courage to change
But
Courage to stay
Strength to stay
Just where you need to be

Soak it in
Feel the darkness

See the stars of possibility
Twinkle in the distance and
Listen
To hope shift in its box

Swim to the stars and
Fall back down
Swim back up and
Fall back down

This determination
Only lies in the darkness
Swimming against the dark cold wind
Stuck in a loop
With a smile painted on your face

And then

Swim back up and see the
Flowers shine like they never have before
Pull people closer
Because they can’t see
What you can

And thank the beautiful darkness
For giving you
The eyes to see the flowers shine
Like no one else can

I would be cutting myself
Down the middle and
Exposing my bones

But

I'm feeling brave

And if the songs of my bones
Can soothe just one other person
It would be worth it

Pieces of her
Pieces of heart
Hands
Skin
Her joy

Pieces of you
Likeness
Only likeness
But still
I collect you
And gather you up
And soak in any aspect of her
Because I am longing
Longing for her touch
Her hand on my brow
Her heart
Her joy

But there’s nothing
Quite like your heart
Hands
Skin
Smile
Endless love

But still
I collect mothers
If you are honoured enough
To be even a little bit like her

I long for you
I crave you
I miss you

Your support is the trumpeting
Daffodils that encourage and
Congratulate me on my way

Your beauty is the carefully placed
Soft flowers and
Diamond dewdrops

Your shelter is the blossom
Flowing and dancing
Above me

Your love is a blanket of
Twinkling frost
Covering everything good and sad
With unconditional promise

And the glowing morning sun
Your warm, soft hand
Gently touching my face

You asked me to trim your nails
And we both knew
It would be the last time you ever had your nails cut
But we didn’t say it
I wanted it to be be the most relaxing experience
I wanted it to be an act of care
An act of love
It was
An act of preparation
Preparation of death and feeling ready and neat and loved, right down to your finger nails
I remember you cried
I remember I held in the tears
I held you this time
Daughter, holding mother
I will always remember that
Holding your soft hands
And you holding mine

Once filled with joy, hope and
Enormous energy
I am suddenly
Empty balloons scattered about
One my heart
One my womb
My body has deflated
My soul has gone flat
I am empty

I am an oddly shaped peg
And if you try and fit me into
A square hole
I will struggle
But
I will adapt
I will chip parts off
And add bits there
Until I look like everybody else
And fit into your stupid
Simple
Hole
And I will hurt
But I will try
And no one will notice that I cry
When you don’t see
Because this is not me
But let me be my oddly shaped peg
With my beautiful curves
And different edges
And give me something soft
Give me clay
Give me sand
Give me something in my hand
And I will make the most beautiful
Patterns that you have never seen
I will make new holes
And odd shapes
That make people stop and look
I will glue the bits back on
And mould myself back
And smile at the square pegs
And the square holes
Because really
They are different
Just like me

My heart was buried with you that day
I was left numb
Holding the weight of the emptiness
That space were you were not
That space where joy had left

I walked around on autopilot
A faint outline of me
Just visible on the surface
With a burning, crippling pit inside

I was beyond the muddy puddle
I was face down
At the bottom of the murky river
Cold
Stuck
Surrounded by darkness
Slowly sinking into the mud
With the weight of my tears
Like a fallen tree holding me down
I was not trying to get up
Because I had no strength to
No will power
No heart  
If I never came back up
I would only see you sooner
And that
Was the only comfort I could see

And then
You spoke to me
Clear as day
And you used that serious voice
Only used for serious things
And you said
And I will never forget
You said
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. There are good things to come.”
And like a bolt of lightening
Shot into my chest
I pushed my head out of the water
With a breath of life
And you offered me back the empty jar that was my heart

The new car shows off
the empty passenger seat
where the excited smiles
would travell to my bones

The new job excitement
is met with someone else’s voice
at the end of an empty phone number
“This number has not been recognised”

The completion of the dream course
is met with a paper certificate
and squeals of delight echoing silently
in the empty space where
dances with imaginary pom-poms
would lift my exhausted mind
  
The joyous wedding plans sparkle as they roll around looking for that eager sounding board to bounce off
and instead
latching onto wisps of
imagination and memory

The new house
highlights the loss of a home
showing off pretty framed pictures of you
hanging flat
with arms stretched wide

The thought of a baby...
gains
and losses

Not everything needs a poem
Sometimes
it’s already

good enough.

That strand of life
That strand of story
That strand of suffering
Of resilience
Of determination to live
Not give up
And be alive
That learning
That hardship
That agonising change

There, it’s over
You survived
And gained...
A new grey hair

That glistening trophy of life being lived
Time gone by
Achievements
Hardships
Life
Life
Living

Every grey hair
The softness
The wisdom
The pain
To be celebrated

Because you lived through it
You lived

A thousand situps and
a punch in the stomach
Crossing the finish line
of a one hundred meter sprint
Catch your breath
Don’t be sick

Trying to ***** your heart
out of your mouth
Hands around your throat
Vice clamped around your head
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe

Everything goes quiet
but it’s noisy still
Somebody said it
They mentioned her
but they didn’t know it

Quick as a breath there’s a
brick in your stomach and
hands around your throat
An Army rucksack
thrown on your shoulders
Your heartbeat aches

Stood still in the centre of a hurricane
Life happening around you

You face her
But you can’t reach her
You feel her
But you can’t touch her
She’s right there with you
But you still miss her

I don’t know where my home is
The place I knew has changed
I’ve moved away and it’s all new
And now I’m feeling pained

I don’t know where my home is
The place of comfort and love
Where you’d be there
With arms stretched wide
Love pouring down from above

I don’t know where my home is
I’m stuck here feeling glum
Home is where the heart is but
I’m lost without you mum

I wish you knew how wonderful you are
I wish you knew how you smooth my bones
My heart
And my soul
I wish you knew just how your smile
Your walk
Your
Look
At me
Makes my heart breathe and expand
I wish you knew your influence
I wish you knew you’re greatness
Your skill
Your power to soothe and dissipate Tension
I wish you knew your talent
Your gorgeousness
Your way
And how it melts the hardest of hearts
I wish you knew just how wonderful
You
Are

Hot pools lurk behind my tired eyes
A forced smile holding it in
Brain fuzzy
Tired
Tired of the stuff
Other peoples stuff
My stuff
Life
The good things seem dull
Now
The promised rest
A dot of light on the horizon

I am quiet today
and loud tomorrow  
I love nature today
and technology tomorrow
I love death
and I hate death
I am who I choose to be

I am on no 'life's road'
There is nothing linear about me
I am growing
Upwards, downwards, sideways
Round and back again
To a different place

I am this

I am myself
because that's what I choose
I am my natural self
when I choose to be it
I am who I choose to be
when I choose to be it
If I am acting
I am choosing to do it
and therefore being myself
I am who I choose to be

I am time taking
I take my time
I choose to take my time
I choose to be who I want to be
And feel what I want to feel
In my own time

I am what I have achieved
I have achieved so much
I am what I have experienced
But I am what I choose to let be an experience

I am a flexible perfectionist
I am a girly tomboy
I am a thoughtful risk taker
I and confidently emotional
I am a paradox

I am brave
I am strong
I am scared
I am happy
I am devastated

I am not shy
I am not quiet
I am not loud
I am no label
I am who I choose to be

I am all of these things
when I choose to be them
And none of these things
at the same time

I am a diamond
with a hundred facets

I am who I am
This is me

For now

I am a girly tomboy
I am a flexible perfectionist
I am a thoughtful risk taker
I am confidently emotional
I am a paradox

I am a diamond
With a hundred facets

If I am still
I can hear the birds
I can hear the house creaking
As it stretches towards the sun

If I am still
I can see the skin on my hands
The lines
And things they have achieved

If I am still
I can feel my heart beat
I can feel the air moving
On the tiny hairs
In my nose

If I am still
I can feel time slow down
I can look at myself from above
And see how wonderful
I am

I can see
How much wonder
There is

“I’m here” she said
Through the warm breeze
“I’m right here my beautiful”
So reassuring
So magical
So you
Don’t hold it in
Don’t hold it in
It’s okay

At some point I realised that
I will just always be sad
Yes, joyful too but
I will never get over this
I will always miss you
Deeply
I will always cry
When I remember you
When I miss you
I will always feel the sadness
With every joyful new thing I do
With every memory I hold
It just is
It just is sad

Of all the places in the house you could be
You’re sitting on me
Sharing a moment in time
Oh, isn’t this divine

And then you're gone.

Love covers past
Presence and
Future
It seeps into times
Long before you met
Like snowdrops appearing in the bleak
Tiny diamonds of sweetness and calm
Love grows
In all the nooks of your future
Like a sunrise
Reaching out
Trickling its hope
Into the once dark corners of your soul
Love surrounds your presence
Like an invisible coat
To keep out the breeze
And a perfectly placed bench
To rest your tired knees

In sync they walk arm in arm
Along the tracks of an unused farm
Stabbing pains are in my chest
As I see their love at its best
Little do they know the joy they radiate
Or the pain in my heart from my own mothers fate

I wish that was me
That sweet synergy
Of arm in arm
Love in love
Together
Bonded
More than
The sum of its parts

Caution
Dynamite
Here lies Pandora's box
Not quite a curse
Not quite a dark pit
But a diamond
So sharp
It will open up your wounds
Just by looking at it
Open with caution
Open with care
In fact
Consider not opening the box
Consider that the brightness
Is as sharp as the edge
Consider reconsidering
Re-reading your journals

Perfectionism is draining your thoughts
Ideas
Mental capacity and
Emotions
In order to never get it right
Never be quite satisfied and
Always question your choices
Over and over again
Perfectionism is rushing and
Never having time to do all the things
And yet perfectionism is painstakingly
Slow and never ending
Perfectionism is not loving yourself
Is not seeing that the best you can do
Is good enough
Is striving for a level of excellence that
Leaves the job perpetually unfinished and Unloved
Perfectionism is wholly unsafe
But
Loving yourself enough
To live with ‘good enough’
Is
Just
Perfect

Here I am
Sat on the opposite side
A different perspective
Light and dark
How easy it would be to walk over there
That angle
That viewpoint
But I choose here
I choose this angle today
I choose light
Bright
Birds singing

I have made anchors here
I have made roots
I have planted seeds and
Spent years watering them

So I’m not afraid of over there
I know I’ll pass by again at some point
But I think I can come back

I can come back
I have roots here
And I see that
Here
In the sunshine
Exists

The rain surrounds me
With whispers of empathy

last night we played tiddlywinks
and snakes and ladders
drank red wine
and watched a silly film
honey dripped down the walls
and wings sprouted
from nubs
and we were
for the evening
the richest of people

Heavy
Is closer to the truth
My skin feels heavy on my body
Heavy around my eyes
Hanging off my jaw

My brain feels thick
Murky
Eyes unfocused
And not trying

Hot furrowed brow
Heart beat quick
And pained
Hidden under a shallow movement of chest
I don’t even know if I’m breathing

Hot pools lurk behind my tired eyes

I can feel it latching onto each
Tiny hair on my face as it falls
Following the trace
Of the tears before it
No sound but heavy breathing and
The muted stream of questions
Inside my head
My eyes wide
Searching for information
Amongst the blurry gaze

Silence
Oh sweet silence
Silk to my ears
Cocoon of light
In a stormy world
Seep into my skin
Flow into my bones
Melt my muscles and
Lift my soul

My thoughts are loud enough
Without the chaos of the world

That memory
A thorn in my throat
I don’t have to wear waterproof mascara anymore
But the thorn
The thorn is still there

There lives a quiet strength in the oak tree
The trunk so solid and stable

There lives beauty in the blossom and
Soft flowing leaves

There lives determination
In the shoots bravely sprouting
From a fallen tree

There lives you in nature
There lives you, my mother

“I’ll call mum and tell her about that”

There isn’t even time for those words to form in thought
They are just felt
Joy, grief, longing
So close together
And so quickly
That it’s almost at the same time
In one heartbeat
In a fragment of a moment
And if you could look at time through a microscope
It would show a whole other world
A complex vortex of feeling
On the pin head of a moment in time

Today was a sad day
Nothing special happened
Except something very ordinary didn’t happen
Something was missing
Someone was missing

Today was a sad day
It was like buying a magnum ice cream  
And discovering it didn’t have the chocolate
And seeing everyone else enjoy their chocolate covered magnums
It was ok
It was fine
It was just missing the best part

Today was a sad day
I saw daughters with their mums
And mums with their daughters
And how lovely is that
But not for me
She should have been there
She should have joined me
We would have gone shopping together
And it would have been just like a normal day
But covered in chocolate

Every time I say
“I love you”
It feels so insignificant
Compared to the way
I feel about you

Who am I?
I’ll give you a clue
I am diamond and silk
I am Piglet and Pooh

I am a diamond with many facets
And I am as soft as my curvy assets

I am sweet piglet
Thoughtful and kind
And I am peaceful Pooh
With a simple mind

I am an oak tree
Standing quietly strong
And a delicate leaf
Sweetly singing my song

I can hear your message
But it’s not loud and clear
It’s whispered in pockets of silence
In soft leaves rustling
Clinging on the trees branches
Ready to move on

I can hear your message
It’s spoken in the stillness
The tiny moments in between
The fast pace, loud world

I can hear your message
If I stop and notice
If I listen to the beat of my heart
Its almost as though
I hear the beat of yours in between

Gently, relentlessly
Whispering confidently

You can do it
You can do it