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Aug 23 · 109
lap cat
Abby Aug 23
Of all the places in the house you could be
You’re sitting on me
Sharing a moment in time
Oh, isn’t this divine

And then you're gone.
The honour of having your cat choose your lap. Soothing but usually fleeting.
Jul 14 · 264
Rain
Abby Jul 14
The rain surrounds me
With whispers of empathy
Jul 14 · 87
Perspective
Abby Jul 14
Here I am
Sat on the opposite side
A different perspective
Light and dark
How easy it would be to walk over there
That angle
That viewpoint
But I choose here
I choose this angle today
I choose light
Bright
Birds singing

I have made anchors here
I have made roots
I have planted seeds and
Spent years watering them

So I’m not afraid of over there
I know I’ll pass by again at some point
But I think I can come back

I can come back
I have roots here
And I see that
Here
In the sunshine
Exists
I was thinking about looking at the same thing from different perspectives and the different experiences that happen depending on where you’re looking at ‘it’ from.
Jun 29 · 114
Anxiety
Abby Jun 29
My eyes sting
From searching for answers
My head aches
From the noise of my thoughts
A torturous dripping-tap of anxiety
Thought after thought
Overlapping
Like the piles of papers surrounding me
Fact, fiction, dates, past, future
The absence of now
All ******* up
Into a weighty ball of
Stuff
Rolling around
With no direction
It makes
No sense
Jun 22 · 93
Sad is Too Small
Abby Jun 22
Heavy
Is closer to the truth
My skin feels heavy on my body
Heavy around my eyes
Hanging off my jaw

My brain feels thick
Murky
Eyes unfocused
And not trying

Hot furrowed brow
Heart beat quick
And pained
Hidden under a shallow movement of chest
I don’t even know if I’m breathing

Hot pools lurk behind my tired eyes
The word ‘sad’ is too small and simple for such a feeling.
Jun 19 · 231
Untitled
Abby Jun 19
Every time I say
“I love you”
It feels so insignificant
Compared to the way
I feel about you
Jun 10 · 113
Daffodils
Abby Jun 10
Your support is the trumpeting
Daffodils that encourage and
Congratulate me on my way

Your beauty is the carefully placed
Soft flowers and
Diamond dewdrops

Your shelter is the blossom
Flowing and dancing
Above me

Your love is a blanket of
Twinkling frost
Covering everything good and sad
With unconditional promise

And the glowing morning sun
Your warm, soft hand
Gently touching my face
Jun 10 · 63
A Grey Day
Abby Jun 10
I know most people don’t like
This weather
But to me
It’s perfect

It’s misty and mysterious
It’s blustery and beautiful
It’s rainy and refreshing

Nobody here
All to myself
Jun 10 · 60
Who am I?
Abby Jun 10
Who am I?
I’ll give you a clue
I am diamond and silk
I am Piglet and Pooh

I am a diamond with many facets
And I am as soft as my curvy assets

I am sweet piglet
Thoughtful and kind
And I am peaceful Pooh
With a simple mind

I am an oak tree
Standing quietly strong
And a delicate leaf
Sweetly singing my song
Jun 10 · 61
Shock
Abby Jun 10
I can feel it latching onto each
Tiny hair on my face as it falls
Following the trace
Of the tears before it
No sound but heavy breathing and
The muted stream of questions
Inside my head
My eyes wide
Searching for information
Amongst the blurry gaze
May 28 · 57
Gains and Losses
Abby May 28
The new car shows off
the empty passenger seat
where the excited smiles
would travell to my bones

The new job excitement
is met with someone else’s voice
at the end of an empty phone number
“This number has not been recognised”

The completion of the dream course
is met with a paper certificate
and squeals of delight echoing silently
in the empty space where
dances with imaginary pom-poms
would lift my exhausted mind
  
The joyous wedding plans sparkle as they roll around looking for that eager sounding board to bounce off
and instead
latching onto wisps of
imagination and memory

The new house
highlights the loss of a home
showing off pretty framed pictures of you
hanging flat
with arms stretched wide

The thought of a baby...
gains
and losses
May 28 · 267
Note to self: Warning
Abby May 28
Caution
Dynamite
Here lies Pandora's box
Not quite a curse
Not quite a dark pit
But a diamond
So sharp
It will open up your wounds
Just by looking at it
Open with caution
Open with care
In fact
Consider not opening the box
Consider that the brightness
Is as sharp as the edge
Consider reconsidering
Re-reading your journals
I wrote it after I was sorting through old journals and opened one and BAM, I was on the floor in FLOODS of tears. They are now in a box awaiting a hand written warning/note to self.
May 28 · 96
Brave
Abby May 28
I would be cutting myself
Down the middle and
Exposing my bones

But

I'm feeling brave

And if the songs of my bones
Can soothe just one other person
It would be worth it
The thought of sharing my poems with those who are close to me, is much scarier than sharing with people I don’t know. I’m exposing soul, my deepest joy and deepest pain.
May 14 · 64
I Am
Abby May 14
I am a girly tomboy
I am a flexible perfectionist
I am a thoughtful risk taker
I am confidently emotional
I am a paradox

I am a diamond
With a hundred facets
May 12 · 123
Grey Trophy
Abby May 12
That strand of life
That strand of story
That strand of suffering
Of resilience
Of determination to live
Not give up
And be alive
That learning
That hardship
That agonising change

There, it’s over
You survived
And gained...
A new grey hair

That glistening trophy of life being lived
Time gone by
Achievements
Hardships
Life
Life
Living

Every grey hair
The softness
The wisdom
The pain
To be celebrated

Because you lived through it
You lived
May 11 · 50
Home
Abby May 11
I don’t know where my home is
The place I knew has changed
I’ve moved away and it’s all new
And now I’m feeling pained

I don’t know where my home is
The place of comfort and love
Where you’d be there
With arms stretched wide
Love pouring down from above

I don’t know where my home is
I’m stuck here feeling glum
Home is where the heart is but
I’m lost without you mum
Oct 2019 · 196
rich
Abby Oct 2019
last night we played tiddlywinks
and snakes and ladders
drank red wine
and watched a silly film
honey dripped down the walls
and wings sprouted
from nubs
and we were
for the evening
the richest of people
Oct 2019 · 2.3k
Empty
Abby Oct 2019
My heart was buried with you that day
I was left numb
Holding the weight of the emptiness
That space were you were not
That space where joy had left

I walked around on autopilot
A faint outline of me
Just visible on the surface
With a burning, crippling pit inside

I was beyond the muddy puddle
I was face down
At the bottom of the murky river
Cold
Stuck
Surrounded by darkness
Slowly sinking into the mud
With the weight of my tears
Like a fallen tree holding me down
I was not trying to get up
Because I had no strength to
No will power
No heart  
If I never came back up
I would only see you sooner
And that
Was the only comfort I could see

And then
You spoke to me
Clear as day
And you used that serious voice
Only used for serious things
And you said
And I will never forget
You said
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare. There are good things to come.”
And like a bolt of lightening
Shot into my chest
I pushed my head out of the water
With a breath of life
And you offered me back the empty jar that was my heart
May 2019 · 148
Today Was a Sad Day
Abby May 2019
Today was a sad day
Nothing special happened
Except something very ordinary didn’t happen
Something was missing
Someone was missing

Today was a sad day
It was like buying a magnum ice cream  
And discovering it didn’t have the chocolate
And seeing everyone else enjoy their chocolate covered magnums
It was ok
It was fine
It was just missing the best part

Today was a sad day
I saw daughters with their mums
And mums with their daughters
And how lovely is that
But not for me
She should have been there
She should have joined me
We would have gone shopping together
And it would have been just like a normal day
But covered in chocolate
It’s in the everyday little things that grief shows up and tears open the scars on my heart. Even after 5 years, except now, I am excellent at hiding the pain.
Dec 2018 · 375
There Lives You
Abby Dec 2018
There lives a quiet strength in the oak tree
The trunk so solid and stable

There lives beauty in the blossom and
Soft flowing leaves

There lives determination
In the shoots bravely sprouting
From a fallen tree

There lives you in nature
There lives you, my mother
Dec 2018 · 268
Love
Abby Dec 2018
Love covers past
Presence and
Future
It seeps into times
Long before you met
Like snowdrops appearing in the bleak
Tiny diamonds of sweetness and calm
Love grows
In all the nooks of your future
Like a sunrise
Reaching out
Trickling its hope
Into the once dark corners of your soul
Love surrounds your presence
Like an invisible coat
To keep out the breeze
And a perfectly placed bench
To rest your tired knees
Dec 2018 · 173
5 years later
Abby Dec 2018
Some days I’m floored
Some days it’s still a shock
Some days I’m so happy I cry
because I never thought I would be
There’s so much I would love to tell you
and so much you already know
Your belief in me has remained
after your death
Your hugs have lasted
longer than from when you let go
I miss you mum
But I feel you in my life
stronger than ever
I’m becoming myself
and you’re right there
You’d be so proud of me
Dec 2018 · 283
Grave
Abby Dec 2018
all I wanted
was to crawl into
your grave press my
cheek to yours hold
your hand in both
of mine shut my
eyes  and   feel
your     warm
soft  skin and
hear     your
gentle voice
Dec 2018 · 135
Grief
Abby Dec 2018
A thousand situps and
a punch in the stomach
Crossing the finish line
of a one hundred meter sprint
Catch your breath
Don’t be sick

Trying to ***** your heart
out of your mouth
Hands around your throat
Vice clamped around your head
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe

Everything goes quiet
but it’s noisy still
Somebody said it
They mentioned her
but they didn’t know it

Quick as a breath there’s a
brick in your stomach and
hands around your throat
An Army rucksack
thrown on your shoulders
Your heartbeat aches

Stood still in the centre of a hurricane
Life happening around you

You face her
But you can’t reach her
You feel her
But you can’t touch her
She’s right there with you
But you still miss her
Dec 2018 · 301
I Am
Abby Dec 2018
I am quiet today
and loud tomorrow  
I love nature today
and technology tomorrow
I love death
and I hate death
I am who I choose to be

I am on no 'life's road'
There is nothing linear about me
I am growing
Upwards, downwards, sideways
Round and back again
To a different place

I am this

I am myself
because that's what I choose
I am my natural self
when I choose to be it
I am who I choose to be
when I choose to be it
If I am acting
I am choosing to do it
and therefore being myself
I am who I choose to be

I am time taking
I take my time
I choose to take my time
I choose to be who I want to be
And feel what I want to feel
In my own time

I am what I have achieved
I have achieved so much
I am what I have experienced
But I am what I choose to let be an experience

I am a flexible perfectionist
I am a girly tomboy
I am a thoughtful risk taker
I and confidently emotional
I am a paradox

I am brave
I am strong
I am scared
I am happy
I am devastated

I am not shy
I am not quiet
I am not loud
I am no label
I am who I choose to be

I am all of these things
when I choose to be them
And none of these things
at the same time

I am a diamond
with a hundred facets

I am who I am
This is me

For now
Dec 2018 · 12.8k
Good enough
Abby Dec 2018
Not everything needs a poem
Sometimes
it’s already

good enough.
Dec 2018 · 845
Different
Abby Dec 2018
I am an oddly shaped peg
And if you try and fit me into
A square hole
I will struggle
But
I will adapt
I will chip parts off
And add bits there
Until I look like everybody else
And fit into your stupid
Simple
Hole
And I will hurt
But I will try
And no one will notice that I cry
When you don’t see
Because this is not me
But let me be my oddly shaped peg
With my beautiful curves
And different edges
And give me something soft
Give me clay
Give me sand
Give me something in my hand
And I will make the most beautiful
Patterns that you have never seen
I will make new holes
And odd shapes
That make people stop and look
I will glue the bits back on
And mould myself back
And smile at the square pegs
And the square holes
Because really
They are different
Just like me
Someone asked me what I struggle with, with dyslexia. It was easier to answer with a poem.
Dec 2018 · 310
Beauty in the dark
Abby Dec 2018
There’s a beauty in the darkness
That’s been niggling at me
There’s something deep inside there
That just wants to be free

Amongst the darkness
There brews courage
Courage to change
But
Courage to stay
Strength to stay
Just where you need to be

Soak it in
Feel the darkness

See the stars of possibility
Twinkle in the distance and
Listen
To hope shift in its box

Swim to the stars and
Fall back down
Swim back up and
Fall back down

This determination
Only lies in the darkness
Swimming against the dark cold wind
Stuck in a loop
With a smile painted on your face

And then

Swim back up and see the
Flowers shine like they never have before
Pull people closer
Because they can’t see
What you can

And thank the beautiful darkness
For giving you
The eyes to see the flowers shine
Like no one else can
Dec 2018 · 588
Silence
Abby Dec 2018
Silence
Oh sweet silence
Silk to my ears
Cocoon of light
In a stormy world
Seep into my skin
Flow into my bones
Melt my muscles and
Lift my soul

My thoughts are loud enough
Without the chaos of the world
Dec 2018 · 126
I’m here
Abby Dec 2018
“I’m here” she said
Through the warm breeze
“I’m right here my beautiful”
So reassuring
So magical
So you
Don’t hold it in
Don’t hold it in
It’s okay
Dec 2018 · 2.0k
Mother and Daughter
Abby Dec 2018
In sync they walk arm in arm
Along the tracks of an unused farm
Stabbing pains are in my chest
As I see their love at its best
Little do they know the joy they radiate
Or the pain in my heart from my own mothers fate

I wish that was me
That sweet synergy
Of arm in arm
Love in love
Together
Bonded
More than
The sum of its parts

— The End —