The unquenchable horror that haunts the living a terrifying feeling of doom and death come over me at night hours to haunt my being and current mental and physical state putting me in a panicked state. I try my hardest to be brave and courageously fight off this feelings but it usually gets the best of me. When am in between awake and sleep and am about to cross the threshold to be fully asleep it's when this nocturnal terrors come and attack me. I am currently under medicine to keep this from happening the medicine does work for a time but over time becomes less and less effective. I dread sleep for this very reason. I will however find a way to cope I always have. I see hope in the near future to get this problems resolved. God will see it thru to hopefully divinely heal me. All my struggles will some day end. The Good Shepherd will guide his Sheep to living water to rejuvenate the weary souls of the living.

My contemporary stance to regain a grip on my Daily struggle to deal with Life's problems with a sober conscious is becoming a nuisance due to the fact I keep running away to use drugs so I can deal with time on time's slow flow of ride of passage. Am becoming a more cunning, manipulative, maladapted individual since deep down it hurts to say I am happy being a functional drug user...but this is a double load of struggle because I want someone to sometimes make me feel like I matter and that I am someone to someone else and that I can fight thru my devilish impulses to intoxicate my system. I am becoming mentally irritated with the constant thought to self-medicate and slide by Life with a morbid addiction and I do admit DEFEAT to this substances and lifestyle but why can't I get the motivation to dedicate my time in investing in sobriety? I truly need to take a hard look at why am still escaping my problems and why am still making the wrong decisions and choosing the easy way out with not dealing with my feelings and emotions in a healthy manner. Frankly, I want to quit using drugs at some point in my life but am having trouble abstaining from drug use at the current moment because I do truly love to alleviate all my mental disorder symptoms and enjoy the feeling of calmness and stillness of all my chemical imbalances seeming as if every time I choose to use I am put in a balance within my brain. Nevertheless, I have realized that using drugs does NOT cure me but make things worse in the long run. Suppressed by old whispers from my younger days when I used to use without getting addicted but now this substances have grown on me and I have become an addict to a degree. Sometimes I ponder in thought and imagine myself in front of God's throne pleading my cause like a rugged beggar to be heard by the Most High and all I want is a way out a way of escape from my drug use...Please Lord am at my end I want the struggle to stop...I admit I need your aid guidance and healing let this poem be heard for all I am asking is your saving grace and deliverance. In Jesus name Amen!

Silent prayers are being recited all thru my consciousness
Of desperation and a moment of escalating into a rare flare of clarity
My mind screaming to go escape the reality of my current toils of Life and saddened realization that am still stuck in square one...still waging war thru my tumultuous addiction I just want true joy peace and prosperity a want a different Life for myself but I always self-sabotage my sobriety walk with an endless urge to go get high one more time just one last time I get some sober time under my belt and again feel inadequate to deal with Life triggers, problems, clutter and stressors beat me back to using once again. I try to talk to my peers to God to councilors to doctors to my own head and mind to my addiction begging and pleading I want to be free but I love getting high a little more than sobriety but I want to understand why this is...I recall that I use substances to temporarily relieve my schizophrenia and ADHD. To get a frozen piece of time to reconnect with my inner soul but at the same time feeding this demons that keep me trapped inside a mental prism that the only way out is wanting to live a life of no use of any mind altering substances. Am stuck between wanting a better healthier more enjoyable Life without pushing any efforts into changing knowing that ultimately lead me back to using dope to do something am comfortable and feel at a pleasant with utilizing my own body to conduct a forced neurological and psychological change...so I can once again relive and reminiscence on that subtle wave of calmness and comfort I adore so much. Harsh reality sets in I run out of substances to indulge in and slowly but surely my brain synapses go back to normality and re-stabilize. I keep wanting this revolutionary change of mind but am willingly putting no work towards getting better...I am here pondering is it because my own drug use has become hardened enveloped in a complex mechanism that tactically constructs avenues to facilitate it's initial impulse to go and do what makes my mind and body feel at ease with a touch of serenity and well being. Nevertheless, when the drugs are completely expelled from my system I pay the toll for pushing my biological neural and nervous system to it's peak functionality. The biggest obstacle in my path to sobriety is mundane ordinary routines of every day living life without no sense of gratification thru drugs themselves. Am truly trying to reach that place where I feel as if this drugs I involve myself to use leave me disgusted at myself for doing that to myself when its all a grand illusive temporal alleviation of stress problems and feelings and emotions being blocked off and masked to a degree of non-existent competence. Am left in the end with a constant inner symptom of slightly elevated compulsive feeling of wanting to repeat the experience again and again and again. This becomes the battle and little by little becomes a rampaging addiction depending on the person's impulsivity level and puts the person in a state of uncomfortable decision making when in reality the drugs don't solve anything thru them the problems become temporarily "out of sight out of mind" but when sobriety sets back in and every neuronal and hormonal changes due to the use become expelled and fully removed from the user's system the user goes thru a period of acute withdrawals and followed by other minimal symptoms like irritability, depressed mood, dysphoria and neuro-chemical imbalances. All I am going to focus from now on is how to slow down my use to the point ill be easy for me to leave it alone all at once. I want to believe I can find true joy peace contentment and happiness thru being drug free but every time I think of it I give myself a certain doubt that in time it becomes malignant and grows to be another reservation waiting to be subconsciously manifested. Sooner or later my subconscious becomes too hard to ignore and I play the game of "insanity" again and go do what I know... Which is get intoxicated. I will sooner or later learn how to deal with my Life's trials and tribulations in a different way and learn that thru God's grace & power I can be clean and arrest this monster once and for all.

Am feeling as if Time & Detachment of sensibility to my enviroment people and thoughts are retained and analyzed to comform to my pattern of thinking...as if I am slightly comforted by a sense of relaxation/laziness that makes time pass in a form of carelessness and desensitization. My body is enormously relaxed and has a natural sense of calmness. Entuned and warped with light ease of mixed emotinal stress & the pressures of life are reduced by this slowed calm and relaxed feelings of peace & it's release of mental frustrations and stress. Time and space seem to be flowing more at ease with a touch of carelessness and relaxed sense of being comfortable in my own skin, enviroment and the people am surronded with. Perhaps I am slightly detached from feelings of anxiety, triggers to use and emotional stress have been diminished. I have finally let go of my obsession to use destructive substances...just for today I am clean & maintaining sober posture.

The ever consuming defying darkness that envelops my inner mind I know I found a reason to be guided by the Light
Desperation blindness the shades portrayed by an omnious shade of black
I begin to realize am beginning to lose sight
Slowly my consiousness slipping and yet I try to fight
The feelings of impending horror masquerading in the Night
Diabolic Phantoms and the foul creatures that consume Life
A myraid shrouded in myself...image
The Dark Imminent Forces that shape my formless soul for I am still a Celestial Body A part of the Powers of Heaven & Hell inside my Shrine...
I am slowly becoming a Beast an Accursed Temple slowly being consumed by Hollows Of Sloth Wrath Pride Insolence Vanity and Treachery
I have learned to communicate with this Deviants and Spirits and Fallen Angellic Servants that sense and feed of my channeling ports of light & dark energy many occult practices I have performed in my past... for I have a relationship with the Lord Of Hosts but also able to manifest and perform the most primordial evil in it's truest form...I have 2000 Entities working for me with me within and outside me...for they where created thru my will and enslaved by my spiritual might and power of my ability to transfer, communicate, act, manipulate, transfigurate and absorb aura, energy and light and dark alike...Beyond that veil of dreams there is a enormous spiritual realm that I have explored I have stepped and walked among God's presense and I am also allowed and able to walk among the demonic for I fear neither for I have the balance of each spirit. Ashetak, Ahxer,Alleauous...
Beheel,Bruthmok,Balruk...
Cromm,Creaudus,Chem.­..
Devek,Delthamy,Desvez...
Efhor,Eshium,Eljair...
Feigh,Feir,Fog­gothar...
Geth,Gremath,Gashaum...
Helyel,Hydoll,Hosmous...
Ishuk,­Ishtar,Isheke'hek...
Jehok,Jamale,Joshiktar...
Keim,Kellem,Kour..­.
Lous,Lomnk,Lockthall...
Mous,Matreu,Morthor...
Neir,Neus,Nakash­ek...
Opem,Osuth,Oscurym...
Pethel,Pattux,Peom...
Quar,Quimm,Qhof­ar...
Rivum,Rievere,Riuk...
Seiff,Shom,Sha'lahaim...
Teur,Toros,T­em...
Velk,Veshkum,Veaish...
Wam,Wes,Wailth...
Xur,Xirith,Xezur..­.
Zek,Zahar,Zuzu...

Invictum Septum Divinus Algori Forte Irto La Terra
Arteum Sorte Sanctus Deamonus
Ele Dominus Infinitus Capernum ciellis
Temptatium Ode Exertus Creatos
Orde Di A Diaboli Eternum
Ferfeitum Shakath Ambreoise!!!

13th Oracle Of God.

The day shall turn to night and in that
Day even the righteous shall hide from thy Maker.

As if the Universe where conversing with my Inner Temple, indeed I feel vibrations a Grand Blueprint encoded with all energetic signals that transgress time and space where Galaxies and everything that coexist here on Earth and beyond all things seen or unseen said or left quiet The Master Of All Hosts (God) has allowed me to understand the melodic harmonizing tunes and signals every single molecule of energy has its own unique signature created by a Supreme Being overshadowing The Firmament outerspace of the cosmos the extraordinary thing about my observation into the Lenguage Of The Creator is truly mesmerizing it leaves me appalled to be even talking about it as if it's something long forgotten by Mankind. I know I try to remain teachable exponentially exploring my own most private and intimite thoughts where I converse with the Creator of all creation. Unspeakable words and collossal admiration I have gained to getting to know this Being for He is the Father and Author of all things created. His splendor and radiance can be felt seen but never understood fully and the overwhelming joy and feelings of love and worship can be expressed with my words on this poetic expression of my penmenship being solemnly dedicated as a letter of why my faith remains tremendously strong and unshaken because I have the honor and pleasure of knowing and talking with him on a deep spiritual level because he made me just like he made you (whoever the reader is) and am just so blessed and thankful to know that he watches over all Creation and mantains Order thru his Celestial Armies Of Heavenly Bodies and Angelic Forces that have dominion and rule over the final destination of our Souls Planets Stars and even Galaxies...yet much mystery and enigma is shrouted in God's presence am humbled to be submerged in the Holy Spirit at this moment talking about our benevolent Creator...remember to just contemplate and ask with all humbleness and meekness in heart for his Celestial Majesty to personally speak to you in a way he only can and just be receptive learn to observe your surroundings with spiritual eyes and speak to him with uttermost sincerity love admiration and respect. The Master Of All Celestial/Terrestrial hosts is listening and if you learn to use your Soul&Spirit and intertwine its energy field with the Universe you will have some deep and meaninful things be revealed to you in ways you cannot even begin to comprehend. Meditate on his Holy Word daily remember to stay prayed up abstain from fleshly and carnal desires and last but not least remain holy because he is holy. My Aura Colors today are 31.3% Yellow 69.7% Purple 6.4% White. Mood: Cheerful, Calm & Serene Flow of my inner & outer thought patterns: Heightened yet remaining stable Spiritual Path: 8

Lord I want to thank thee for allowing me to see admire and minisculely understand your Celestial Order and your Decree of Peace & Love unifying all energy throughtout the cosmos. Thank you for your Holy Spirit accompaning me tonight in this day and am forever thankful for sending your only begotten son Jesus Christ to die for me and atone all mankind's sins. Amen!

Demanding the inner connection of the Universe working thru the Holy Spirit of God...I beg to command and make justice for this Internal War; we live in...I want to see and explore my most inner intimate self to allow to work thru me to form an Angel I beheld...I form this poem of deep thoughts to bring you well, a message of peace prosperity to behold enlightened thru the chambers of my heart brain and soul...I want to tell you that Life is good to my inner health of confess to God himself... am just another sinner who needs some help...Oh Lord I said forgive me for my wickedness and treacherous thoughts I held...because I have become a very angry and deep sadness I am demanded to hold...within my soul there roams a Diabolic voice that hates my Inner self...because am a Child Of God, I confess Jesus is my Shepherd and my Lord beyond words I can tell. Thank You God for the Gifts you given me...I thank thee for my friends, home, good health, resilience against devils and misguided angelic creatures who have come to ****, steal and destroy. Father in Heaven I ask of thee to allow me to stand as a strong warrior of Light to fight till the day I die for my Lord who has given me Life, Love and Well being. Thank you Lord!!! You are good all the time. This is truly how I feel I will never leave thy House of Holiness and Love that you have provided for me. My Life is good my life is well and am trying every day to do what is right my Lord you know my heart and I will never dishonor thy House. Amen!!!

I bow my knees and lower my head to thy presence thank you God for what you have blessed me with and all that you have given me. I surrender to thy spirit of love&peace.

God is my Fortress God is my shield the word shall be my sword.

Amen.