Fear is like a plague.
There’s no getting away from that aching
feeling of uncertainty that follows you
everywhere you go, finding you
even in the smallest of corners.

Fear is like a fire that you can’t tame
because trying to put it out only makes it grow
stronger and although people tell you
to face your fears, once it sets in,
spreading faster, is there really a way
to get away from something once it has
complete control over you?

You grow up with the pain of fear.
Fear that nothing good will ever come
because that’s just how the world works.
The pain, the depression, and the rejection
can easily be masked with a small smile
that says you’re fine.

It gets to the point where that small smile
becomes the biggest lie in the world;
a lie to deceive anyone and anything that
it comes in contact with.

Yet, no matter how big the lie may be,
it holds the power to make something
good slowly turn into something bad;
where the lie not only deceives
everyone else but also
ourselves in the end.

Lies about who we’re not become
truths about who we are to become.

The world works in ways where
the truth is a lie and a lie is
the truth if you’re willing to believe it.
They get tangled into such a web where
you no longer know the difference
between the two, only causing misery
in the long run.

It gets so etched into your mind
that you lose who you are to it
and once that happens,
the day has arrived where
you may wake up in the morning,
look in the mirror and no longer recognize
the stranger in front of you.

It’s the day you realize that so much time
has passed that the person you once were
is no longer who you are.

You won’t know the difference between good or bad,
you won’t know who you had been,
or what you had become.

There’s no starting over,
no returning to what use to be;
all you have is that one moment and
you live inside that same moment until
the deception finally kills you over.

Here I am, fragile,
feeling every word;
On the pages
In the songs
as well as those,

left unsaid,
unheard

Trying to pick a single point on the timeline where I could trace this feeling back to.  Isolation, frustration, stagnation in motivation, deterioration of time spent smiling.  Profiling the soul in the mirror according to standards set beyond self.  To this day I still feel like a fool asking for help, leaving me even more foolish.

I distanced myself at an early age
My front door led you into walls that yelled with rage
..Instead of feeling trapped in a cage..

I escaped
and made, anything else, my new stage

This came with new pains

Emotionally vulnerable too often
In other people I would get lost in
Always worried about others' mindstates and the toll I would cost them

Love

Here it is, there it goes.
Bliss-ridden, to ill-imposed

I found sanctuary in trebutaries when searching for a river,
Stayed way too long because I liked to be a giver
Found the lake to be desirable when where I was would no longer deliver

Satisfaction

Quick actions kept me on my feet.
Body language no longer discrete
I had to keep going, when too often I'd retreat, to the other body's will
Inhaled too much agua, messed me up worse than any pill

and there were many

Changing scenery, because the greenery was calling me.
Every space in the land, I would fall in between
Realized I gave more love out, than I did to me

Then I found reflection, gazing into the sea.
On the other side I had told Ryan to breathe
Haunted by disconnects and a dad's passing
Leaving voids where there was no chance to meet
Spent just a little time alone to grieve
But spent too long looking at wounds,
watching them bleed.

Now infected and lightheaded
I'm slowly fading
Seeds of sadness have been embedded
Here I am living for the grading

Still unsure of what life I'm making
Succumbed to sorrow right now, that I can't get to shaking
Say what you will, but I refuse to be faking
I've been roughed up, mind and body scraping,
Knowing I've been the cause of much forsaking.

I'd run too if there was something I was chasing

I age feeling uncomplacent
living in and out of various basements
Feeling the cold like bare skin on the pavement

Date night with a book and a hook in my lip
I'll let you know if I make a move if I can ever get a grip
Drained and increasingly pained with every wasted water drip
Ego, couldn't **** it
So it asks, why do I have to go through this?

...Into the abyss, I slip...

Of course this song comes on,
The universe knows I'm sad
Thinking of the things I possibly could have had,
Dealing with the toxic and absent, I felt abandoned and mad.
Our chance came and went like a fad
But people cross paths like the colors that make up plaid
I didn't ever know where I was going
So I sat and watched the people fly by too fast

I tried making things last
& lost sight of the now
Supplying laughs as a class clown
But underneath the paint I wore a frown.

This is whatever, we all get down.
Tomorrow when I wake
I'll pick myself up off the ground
Until then though, my throat will know no sounds.