Can I have just one thing in my life going on perfectly?

Nothing seems to be going right in my life right now. Generally, I have not been very happy for the past... six months? Honestly, I am utterly unhappy and my depression and anxiety are worse.

It used to be about the man that I am in love with. If you are reading this, please do not feel burdened.

Now, it's about everything else in my life. I am restless and worried about so much. I want to move at my own pace but the universe keeps on testing me. I know that it's God's way of making me a better person, but good God, I am extremely unhappy. I cry all the time. If you ever see me put on a smile lately, you are in luck. Most of the time I can only see myself crying and wanting to **** myself.

I know that the universe has a plan, but good God, I am still trying to let go and accept and work hard. It's as if the circumstances won't allow whatever hard work I did to pay off.

I've contemplated suicide for more times than I could count for the past three months. I could feel its presence, its weight, and its shadow against the wall. I could imagine a life without me. I could imagine how my friends would be when they received that unexpected, dreaded information of a girl who died too young simply because her brain messed up her emotions. I could imagine the tears and guilt that my mother would have upon seeing my dead body. I could imagine the guilt and pain and anger that my father would feel upon reading my note. I could imagine it. I, too, could imagine you looking at my cold face, my hands and fingers covered in the shrouds.

I didn't want, though, to let their souls break because of my selfishness to leave the world without their permission.

So I will live.

I just need someone to talk to and to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I am currently not strong enough to do that on my own.

All you have is a kiss you have yet to give
Your memories are black and cold as ice
There was a time of bliss and love within
Now you can only see the void unfulfilled
Let your lips curse at the storms
They came when he left without a goodbye
Somehow your silence holds the answers
Learn how to breathe fire into your lungs
One day you will learn old songs the new way

Too young to know when to fold 'em
Too old to make one mistake at a time
The children born to hard workers
And the lovers made of electric glass
We are everything you wanted us to be
We are everything you could never be

I will ask for nothing in return
Once you put your lips on mine
Your coal black heart on fire
With eyes made of winter storms
All I want is your hand in mine
And your poison against my skin

Your joys and sorrows are yours to keep for now
One day they will be half of another's heart
The way she calls for the moon will be your favorite song
A thousand words will not suffice to describe her
She holds the answers and unleashes a thousand wonders
The sun will rise when she opens her eyes
Gravity is she and your fingers will find their way
Everything that you are will be her greatest desire
Until the time comes, however, allow me to send you my kisses

This is not a poem.

I am simply thinking of the kind of woman I am. I think of the future that I want. I think of the children I hopefully will have with my husband someday. I think of the kind of mother I want to be, the kind of mother that I could be.

I will not be a perfect mother; I will have flaws and there will be an aspect of my child's upbringing that I will not handle perfectly. That is inevitable and I have accepted it. However, I think of the values that I want my child to have in his/her life. I desperately pray that I will be able to treat my child according to their age. I do not want to treat my 20-year-old, who is supposed to have some sense of responsibility and understanding, as if he/she is a 15-year-old who still needs to be guided step-by-step.

I pray that I can force my children to not marry and have their own children before they have an understanding of their own selves. I pray that somehow, I can make my children understand the consequences of their actions and independence. I pray that my children, too, can act according to their ages.

And I pray the father of my children can complement me.

I can hear your heart's roar
And the gentle whistle of your soul
It will be our home, you said
By the river underneath the pine trees
Your dreams entangled with mine
A cup of tea on an idyllic afternoon
Messed up sheets for a typical Sunday
My head is in the clouds, I know
But for a moment, I am home with you

All the world's a stage
And tonight is your big night
So make me a part of your show
I will give you my best performance
Oh, darling, how you will be proud of me
Your little harlot-minded ingénue

To love you is to forget the pain
And to just enjoy the memories
Through rosy-tinted glasses

It will be easy, no?

I am everything you want me to be
Good girl
Good grades
Good school
Good friends

I am everything you made me into
Brokenhearted
Doubtful
Restless
Disappointed

Believe me, I am everything you wanted me to be
And everything you had not expected of me

One day you will be a lovely memory of a period in my life.
One day I will wake to the sun smiling upon my face, knowing that the end is mine.
One day my songs will cease to be about you.
One day I will read your words out loud painlessly.
One day your smile will bring me bliss.
One day I will laugh with you at the we that we were.
One day your fingers will no longer make my heart stop.
One day I will not need to hide, for there is nothing to hide.
One day I will cherish all of this.
One day love will find me, as it will you.
One day, just not today.

Tell me how to say goodbye without ever having had a real hello in the first place.

How does anyone conquer the demons in their head?
My heart and soul are aching but I know not how to tame them

There is an infinite number of reasons
To take my leave of your world
For an instance, our numbered days
The way you sip your liquor before dawn
Or the upbringing that has messed me up

With every passing day
I find new reasons to fly away
Perhaps into the arms of another
Or to a mystical land of the unknown

My time is running out, is it not?
I have been desperately delaying my own departure
In the faint hope that I may not need to go
Maybe suddenly I will be something to you

You said your goodbye to the thunderstorm
Perhaps when summer leaves
I will find my way to leave, too
One of us has to, anyway

One night after the third bottle of wine
You told me we should pack our things
And leave before dawn
There would only be you and I
Between talks and soft-spoken kisses

Let us go to the seaside, I said
Have you ever seen those crashing waves?
They remind me of the days wasted away
And the promise of tomorrow's strength

But there are sharks and krakens!, you said
Underneath the deep blue of mystery
Make haste and he will come at you
And you will be nothing no more

Why do we not climb the mountains?, you asked
Surrounded by mist of white and blue
We are not kings and queens of the world
But merely creatures of His mercy

Something lurks between the trees!, I argued
Deadly eyes hungry for lost souls
They were once someone's lovers
And now they have succumbed into the dark

Another bottle of wine, poured and spent
Your eyes are the firewood amidst winter
Fingers trailing my cold pale arm
You have made up your mind for our journey

The beach it is!, you proclaimed to the world
When your eyes reached mine, I knew
For a second, that was no tipsy talk
Perhaps one day I will take you to the mountains

This is how I want to remember you
With your lipstick on
Wrapped in your favorite dress
The sun ever so gently kissing you
Until the birds sing you the one song
You were meant to listen to
Will you be with me when I am gone?
I am sure you will be
After all, that is what you promised me
For I know you remember every promise
And keep every memory with you

He is gone
Though he was never here
To begin with

He is gone
When I am halfway through
Our unfinished tale

He is gone
Just as I am about to turn around
And give it another shot

He is gone
But I am here
And he is there

Someday is but another day to come
He has seen enough of the world
To become the man of the hour
Have you found your muse, love?
The night falls when the ghosts arrive
Slowly but ever so surely
Your fingers, entwined with mine
Your laughter, in sync with my songs
Well-played and well-versed
For the eyes we are strangers to
And your face, my love
Holds the promise of something new
Someday is only another day to come

Once upon a time
A father loved his daughter
A mother fed her child
A writer recited his poetry
A musician wrote a song
A doctor saved a life
A singer healed broken hearts

Now those were no more
Than tales of a distant yesterday
Amidst smoke and ash
Buried under the sea of the dead

Your story is not mine
This I cannot deny
Your burden is not mine
This you will not share
Your heart is not mine
This I will not force
But do tell me, love
That your warmth
Will always be mine

The suns of morning
And storms of yesterday
Are chasing me down
Into the edge of unknown

Are you ready for me, love?
I heard you were the dawn
A universe of your own
Come at me, then

You are within my sight
But this is my dream
So play by my rules
I am the queen of the Ivory Tower

All it takes
Is a look from you
To undo all the hard work
That I have carefully built

Has she had a taste
Of your bloodstained lies?
Does she keep herself
Fresh-kissed and ready for you?
Is she a magical creature
With eyes and heart full of wonder?
My darling, I am sorry to tell you
But she is nothing more
Than a calm before the storm

I never knew
How badly I wanted
To be seen as beautiful
By someone
Until you told me
That I am beautiful
With your embarrassed smile
And hopeful eyes

Save me
From drowning
In a sea
Of the unknown

This is me hoping
That I was the reason
You silently prayed
To a God
That you never believed in

A million dollar smile
Means it takes a hundred
Worldly, superficial things
To give the world
The smile that you must show
As a person of privilege

Promise me that you will build me
A sandcastle by the crashing blue
The way I promise you that I will
Kiss you amidst the clouds in the sky

Promise me that you will take me
To your parents' house on your birthday
The way I promise you that I will
Take you to my grandmother's grave

Promise me that you will keep your promises
Your fingers slowly undoing my mistakes
My prayers overcoming your false steps
This is my promise to you, I promise

Sweet, gentle soul
Be not worried
Storms come and go
Journeys have their ends
What you seek
May not be seen now
But what is loved
May never be lost
For the steps you take
Will take you to
Exactly where you need to be

The day is done
And the time has come
So there we are
At my place
Just a little messed up
Your laughter fills the room
While I lazily lie
Over pillows and blankets
All of a sudden
You lean close to me
And kiss me once
We laugh at ourselves
Because we know
What kisses mean
We are past
The sweet words stage

Swing me back and forth
Till I cease to exist
And all that you will find
Are the times you lost me

Queen of the night
Calling for her prey
While drinking her sorrows
Sweet words and kisses
She will make you sing
Like you never before
Did she teach you well?
Have you learned your lesson?

Devour me like your guiltless pleasure
Do I fill up your energy like nothing else?
Head straight to the midlands now
If you have what it takes to take the wheel
Then break the boundaries that you made
Aren’t you a man of pride and dignity?
Prove your worth to the passers-by
Tell the kings and queens of old
We are not meant for swan songs

Too much joy and ecstasy
Would be the death of us
And I was too foolish
To ignore the warning signs

This is the me that I am
Lipstick and mascara on
Flirting and giggling
Eating soft ice cream
The world in my hands
The laughter is my song

This is the me that I am
Tangled up between the sheets
No words spoken
Just voices and silent screams
Crazy and desperate
For a little bit of hope

This is the me that I am
Smiling and singing my sorrows
While tending to others' wounds
Praying that somehow
When they get better
I will get better, too

Let's get tangled up
Between the sheets
And wrapped in sins
Irretrievably lost
Happily dying
All for you

Truly, the cheering crowd
And the blinding lights
Are the best places
To hide all your secrets
For no one will hear
The screams in your head

Eyes glimmering between the haze
Your name on the tip of my tongue
The crowds cheering out for you
As if the world, for a moment, is all yours
The man of the hour under the moonlight
One look at you and I know
That this is it, this is enough

Easy rider, steady yourself
If you drive too fast
You may catch the changing storms

Have a cigarette or two
If you are cunning enough
You may slay the beasts of tomorrow

I welcome you to the new age
Where the angels carry razors
And the demons scream for help

Driving to the city
Under the blazing lights
We stop at a little ice cream shop
Chocolate rocks for you
Strawberry kisses for me
You tell me about your parents
Your mother's secret recipe
I tell you about my dreams of flying
Dancing on the beach
All only for the blissful summer
And all of a sudden
Dusk has fallen upon us
The night no longer so dark
When your eyes light up my fire

In front of the flashing lights
We were arm in arm
Your boyish grin and my bashful blush
Perfectly frozen for everyone to see
It matters not what will happen
To the people that we are
As long as this becomes
My memory of you and I

You are so full of life
With a fire within your soul
And desire in your eyes
You are meant to live
A hundred lives
And tell a thousand tales
So do not leave so soon, my love

Do souls recognize each other
And yearn for kisses
The way our hearts do?

I cannot write anything at all.

Her hands slipping into somewhere
You would not dare think about
Her lips giving you life and death
Without any hint of mercy
Her eyes yearning for your gaze
Into the parts you have yet to know
The excitement of her skin
Will never contain your fears
And, ultimately, your grief

I would give you anything
As sweet as your heart's desire
But darling, please be gentle
And do not take my words
For they are all that I want
To keep as my own

It is one thing for you
To take away my pride
But do you not know
What a horrific crime it is
To take away my words?

Wounded birds
And broken angels
Are your favorite lovers
But my dear,
We are not objects
To be fixed

Every once in a while
The moon finds her strength
To be reborn
Amidst the void
That the sun leaves behind
It is always a game
Of hide-and-seek between them
Never truly knowing
Who is hiding
And who is seeking