It's always in the background

Can you hear it?

"It's part of life"

The heaviness that's always pulling you slowly back

Not allowing your smile to reach your eyes

Making you drift off from time to time

Can you feel it?

Weighing you down?

Letting you sink slowly lower?

Until you reach the bottom

And it all comes out

Full force

Then afterwards you feel lighter

But the smile still doesnt reach your eyes

Because it's still there
In the back of your mind

A never ending cycle

And if it had a color
It would be

vantablack

Seemingly impossible to

Quit

       Staring

At

    
It never leaves

"Its part of life"


Then how do you get rid of it?

You dont

I wish I were a praying man
But life has taught me not to be
I'd pray for a way to understand
I'd pray for a way to help me see

I wish I were a praying man
Then I'd have some belief
Life is hard life is bitter
I'd pray for some relief

I wish I were a praying man
I'd pray for smaller things too
If any of my prayers were answered
Then I know I'd pray for you

I wish I were a praying man
I've tried but it's a sunken land
With empty hearts and souls on fire
Theres only so much to desire

I wish I were a praying man

Her soul is prettier than the stars in the sky
Yet you still think it's ok to make her cry
What did she ever do to you?
Look at what you've put her through

She's crumbling like aging stone
Yet you decide to not come home
Again and again you play tricks on her mind
Making her think you're there, but leaving her behind

Her heart is prettier than the dark ocean water
But the tide is just as strong, maybe stronger
The longer your gone, the longer she's alone
The sooner her ocean will be as dry as a bone

Her mind is as beautiful as a sunset through the trees
Pink and purple sky and warm scented breeze
She is everything that means "safe and love"
Yet you put her on a cliff and give her a shove

You think she doesnt know, but she does
You think she's still at home, well she was
Now she's physically there, but her minds disappeared
Lost in the stars wishing she wasn't scared

She wants her soul to be prettier than the stars in the sky
Too bad you never look up there to compare
Your eyes are set on your other highs
So you've never really seen her soul bared

Pretty eyes,
What are you doing
Pretty eyes
Please dont cry
Your heart may not be made of gold
You'll still get wrinkles when your old
But your eyes will always show your soul
And that's what makes you beautiful

Pretty eyes
Theres nothing to be afraid of
Pretty eyes
I can see just what your made of
Pretty eyes
Your hiding in the corner
And I've never felt as warm as I do now

Pretty eyes
They glimmer and they sparkle
You've never been called remarkable
But you'll see
Just how strong you can be

Pretty eyes
What are you doing
Pretty eyes
Please dont cry
Your heart may not be made of gold
You'll still get wrinkles when you're old
But no ones perfect
Your pretty eyes reflect your soul
And that's what makes you beautiful

Pretty eyes
Dont look down

Today
Is one of those days
That the breeze flows through the windows
And is cooling
The clouds cover the sun
And dims the too bright colors of the earth
And the gentle noises of the rain
Echos in listening ears
Relaxing
Filling the thirst for more than just the grass and trees
Drowning out the sounds of cars and people laughing
It's beautiful
Until you have to go out in it

Golden wings across the sky
And you wonder why she cant wait to die
Because she can see him, graceful and free
His love for all humanity
Secretly praying he'll come for her
Secretly hoping he'll see
The life she has to live
The person she pretends to be

You follow her every movement
Attached to the souls of her feet
Silently running with her
As she takes off down the street
And she thinks that you are lucky
She wants to be like you
A shadow that just copies
And never has to do
Never has to make a choice
And can escape when in the dark
She wishes she could be the one
Who doesnt have a heart
All you do is mimick
All you do is mime
You never have the worry
That your running out of time

She's ashamed of how
When she cries
It burns her chest
and her eyes
It twists her soul
Entirely
A war upon her
Humanity
Knives in her lungs as she struggles to breathe
Words arent enough
And she's tries not to scream
Her head is a pounding mess of emotion
Her heart is the strongest
Beats are explosions
She feels smaller than any word can make her
Everyone's expectations are greater
She's ashamed of how when she cries
She feels like the world wants her to die
And she doesnt understand her worth
Or why she's even on this Earth
She's ashamed
Of how much it hurts when she cries
Because it makes everyone envy the pain in her eyes

She's not happy
And everyone's reply
Is either "get the **** over it" or "neither am I"

She's just not happy
And she doesnt know why
She's bitter and angry
And broken inside

And she spends more time
thinking
Of how life could be
If the weight on shoulders
were lifted
And she was free

Than actually trying
to break free from the shell
She'd rather dream about heaven
Than save herself from hell

She's just not happy
She just cant be
She's tried and failed
To make everyone see

Everyone watches
Everyone moves on
Everyone blames her
Everyone thinks it's a con

Because they aren't like her
Constantly looking through glass
They have a sense of time
She doesnt know how much has passed

She's just not happy
And everyone attacks her
Spreads lies and rumors
That are believed faster

Than her struggling for help
How can that be?
That everyone believes the bad
Why cant they see?

Maybe they'll notice
One day if she's brave
If she finally gives up
On what life she's made

Maybe they'll say
"well I guess it was true"
It would be to late by then To walk in her shoes

She's just not happy
And she wants to believe
That life could be different
If she could finally breathe

Shhh
I can hear you thinking
Screaming in your head
Wishing you were someone else
Wishing you were dead

Shhhhh
I can hear your heart pounding
Faster, harder than it should
I can see it in your eyes
How you feel misunderstood

Shhh
It'll be ok, I promise
No more tears, no more fears
But right now I need the silence
I cant think past my own bleeding ears

Sing a little off key
That's alright
Your song is still beautiful
I dont mind
As long as your happy
Sing away
I could get used to some off key
Everyday
So sing a little off key
That's alright
As long as your smile
Reaches your eyes
I'll listen to you
Sing til you turn blue
Dont you know it makes you

Beautiful

You sing a little off key
It's true
I'd love to sing a little off key
With you

Cold clammy hands shaking

Heart racing

chest burning

Stomach turning

knees weak

Head spinning

shallow breathing

Hold it

And jump

Stop, please
It's dark enough inside my heart
I can't stand the feeling
Of being ripped apart

Stop, please
I've done too much that I regret
I can't keep going
Knowing that I'm not done yet

The bright summer sun warms my skin

instead of energy, it puts me to sleep

Gone are the days, id run and play

And the joy i wish i could keep
  
  The smell in the air is nostalgic

Of a memory just out of reach

Not sure if its real or i dreamt it

But its of one i can no longer see
  
  Is the laughter from my past a real sound?

Or something id wished i had heard?

Memories fade so much with time

And recalling them seems so absurd

   You havent been here for a while

These memories keep coming in waves

Feeling so lost yet familiar

Something i cant get back or replace

Tell me I'm pretty
I know I'm not
Tell me I'm special
Because I forgot
Tell me I'm wanted
Cuz I feel so alone
Tell me I'm needed
But I already know
That I am not special
Or pretty or fun
Or smart or happy
I'm easily outdone
I am not worth it
In so many ways
I am not wanted
At the end of the day
Tell me I'm wonderful
But what makes that true
Tell me I'm loved
Then tell me by who
Tell me I'm someone
Because I'm no one at all
Tell me what I'm missing
That makes me feel so small
The words that you say
Will never affect
The way that I think
Or my own self respect
I know I'm not great
When I look in your eyes
So please stop, It's a waste
To tell me more lies

I still cry sometimes
When I feel I'm at my darkest

I still wonder why
You waited this long

If I could go back in time
I'd prove that you were strongest

Held your head up high
Even when you were wrong

I'd hold your hand
And fight your battles with you

Instead of watching
You fight alone

And if that all fails
And we were still two different people

I'd hold you tight
And make sure I'd never let you go.

I'd prove to you
That you were more than perfect

That you were worth it
But instead is true

You were fighting on your own
And believe me please
I wish that we could fix this


But I'm tired of fighting
This brick wall hiding your demons

And it's been so long
I know you've gone for a reason

And now when I need you the most
You laugh at me

When I need you the most
you turn your back

I know I guess I deserved this
I proved I was the weakest

When you needed me the most.

I'm sorry, if I knew that you could change
I'd keep trying

But now it's time to let you go

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I'm drowning
I wish there were other ways
It's overwhelming

And if you were here again
I'd have to ask
Why I'm always stuck
Behind this mask
Did you ever have this problem too?
Is there something wrong with me, is it true?

If you were here again
I'd have to know
Where, after death, did you go?
Is it worth it, to be frightened, to be scared?
Is there something I can do to be prepared?

If you were here again
I'd want to know
If you were done with life, ready to go?
I wasnt done yet I wasn't ready
But i know that this will happen to everybody

And i miss the little things
That bring me here
The thoughts that make me happy
Bring me near
To the part of me that's  missing, the part that's you
Memories, so old, they feel new

My stomach twists in knots
At the very thought
Of you walking through my door
And I've thought of this before
But it never happens

Missing you comes in waves,
Tonight I'm drowning
It's hard to let go, its overwhelming

She dug a grave
A giant hole
Condemned herself
And sold her soul
Slit her wrists
And bled her sins
This is where
The mercy ends
She peeled the mask
From off her face
But that's what held
The skin in place
She tried so hard
To cover up
The monster she felt
She had become

No
You cant have my tears
Not this time

I'm tired of crying
About the same ****
I'm tired
Tired

You cant have them
Not this time
No

I will keep them

For something worth crying over

I threw my phone
Broke it
Not the first time either

This time though
I lost the only thing i really wanted

The voicemails that i will never hear again

I'll never be able to listen to you say
I love you
Again

I wish you were still here

The way I miss you
Makes it hard to breathe sometimes

The way I miss you
Makes it hard to breathe

The way I miss you
Makes it hard to see sometimes

Makes it hard to see
You've become a stranger to me

It's too hard

It's too hard and I can't take it

I'm too weak

And I'm tired of trying to fake it

Help me now

Because I know that I won't make it

Wind
Please blow my dreams away

They hurt too much to stay

I'll never see the day

Wind
Please blow away my dreams

I've learned from my point of view
There's no one more dangerous than you

I hate the way you left me here
All alone, no one left
No one here to care enough
To ask if I'm ok.

My family said I was grieving wrong

Too much

Too strong

I'm sorry,

my heart

Hurts

It hurts

IT HURTS!

                          It hurts...

I'm so empty

And jealous of the fact
That you could leave
The depression
And turmoil
Behind you

I dont understand
Where your soul has gone
Or why the best ones leave so soon

I wasnt ready
To be left alone
Without you

I still hope
That you'll answer my texts
Just one more time
One more phone call
One more "I love you"

I'm begging


Why doesnt anyone help me
Please help me understand
What to do
Who to be
Without my dad

(no title yet)

Let me lay my head on your shoulder
Tell you all my fears
About how we're getting older
And losing all our years
How time is being wasted
Feeling empty and alone
Regretting never doing
The things we've never known
Let's talk about the past
Because theres no hope to our future
Those memories won't last
And we arent getting any cuter
Why does it go so quickly
So soon we meet our maker
Time moves much more swiftly
Now we're all just fakers
Let me lay my head on your shoulder
And tell you all my fears
About how we're getting older
And losing all our years
Watch them slip by together
That's how I want it to be
But your never here to listen
The only one drowning is me

Tired of being a follower
Weary of treading this road
Where the heat is overwhelming
Where grass refuses to grow

The sun and fire beat down on you
As you stand up straight and tall
Never wondering for just a second
If anyone is listening at all

The hills are steep but you climb them
The valleys, not hidden from flames
Where thirst is always a nagging thought
And mirages are never the same

Treacherous ground you walk on
Treacherous battle you fight
But it's so easy for you to keep going
When you dont see this as a plight

Its freedom of others you fight for
The only reason your alive
Is to know that you'll keep fighting
To ensure everyone stays alive

It doesn't matter what I do
I was made to worship you
Kiss the ground that's held your feet
Fight for you, never retreat
Hold you up when you are down
Give you breath before you drown
But I am not perfect
I can't do it all
No matter what I do
You make me feel small

Watch her stand alone
As they beat her to the ground
As they force her head under
As they force her to drown

Watch her stand alone
Watch her crumble, fall apart
Watch her climb her way back up
Fingers bleeding and covered in scars

Watch her stand alone
Watch her struggle to breathe as broken bones force their way into her lungs and the blood in her eyes makes it harder to see

Watch her stand alone as on lookers point and stare at her disfigured face and her shattered soul-like-grace that's changed her into someone she's never wanted to be

Watch her stand alone
As years of torture claim their place upon the only heart she's ever known sitting slightly to the right of where its home should be

Watch her stand alone
Then watch her rebuild and grow
Watch her turn into a beautiful fighter who's smile burns brighter than any you have ever known

Watch her stand alone

Why do they hate me
I've done nothing wrong
Yet my name comes from lips
That don't stick around long

I hide it so good baby
I hide it so well
You'll never know babe
I'm going through hell

It's not the first time
First time that I'll die
All on the inside
Not the first time I've cried

It's not the last time
I'm saying good
bye
It's not the last time
Last time that I lie

Just want you to know
Babe, I've got to go
I say it so easy
But you don't even know

I hide it so good baby
I hide it so well
It's not the first time
I've escaped from hell

Your silence is the way you tell me
You don't really care
The way you say you'll be there
When your never really there
They way your eyes look through me
Like I'm not here at all
The way you've let me go
The way you've let me fall
How you never hear me
When I'm about to lose it all
Even when I'm screaming
Even when I have to crawl
They way your shoulder moves away
When you said that I could lean
The way your words are either
Too gentle or too mean
The way you say you hate your life
But only next to me
The way you say you understand
But never really see
The way you think I'll let you down
Isn't really fair
Your silence is the way you tell me
You don't really care

You taught me to love myself
When I couldn't
You taught me to hate myself
When I shouldn't
You taught me how ugly I am
On the inside
You taught me how dumb I am
In my mind
You taught me to hate more
To relate more
To live more
To love less

You taught me
That I'm a mess