why does it seem as if everyone has left me?
my hands quiver as i verbalize these thoughts
and the sweat from my palms dampens the page --
my vulnerability has become difficult to manage,
despite my mind's intent to remain good-willed
and my heart's discontent with the language misunderstood

friendship does not require ideological consistency,
and to believe otherwise is a detriment to the love
we are fortunate enough to experience in this life;
intellectual supremacy equates to the patronizing rhetoric
embedded within the elitism of the morally superior --
your grim clouds turn our progressivism dull

i will say what i need to retain a friend,
but the judgment within is a grudge untouched,
a ghastly bruise that never seems to mend --
you do not get to determine the language i speak,
the words i weep, or the healing i seek
when a bond so potent is forgotten so easily

to question my morality is to question my identity,
and those who know are the ones to see me grow
as i flourish from the bounds of these restrictions
and inch my way upright, stronger than before,
disallowing my words to be misconstrued,
a prohibition of the trauma i continue to elude

a Leo is loyal like the lioness of a pride,
gnawing at the flesh of the ones who betray --
grudges maintained in the chill of the winter,
a midnight breeze toppled an unchanged core --
it is not a star, this dim light retreating above,
merely the fading memory of our platonic love.

Ive arrived in my home and its empty and cold
I feel like I'm empty and cold
I want to hear voices and laughter and footsteps
instead its just silent...
all I hear is the wind whistling through the window that doesn't close properly
The sea outside looks Cold and I don't feel safe.
I don't feel like I can feel "Home" here.
I don't even know what home is?

Maybe home is safety
Maybe home is love
Can you feel those things in a place where you haven't felt safe and where you love vanished.
So I'm here in my house just trying to be and not feel sacred and not feel alone
And to try to get on with my life and do the things I know that I need to/should do to function on this planet.
But I just want to hide, I just want to close the windows and close the curtains, curl up and never be seen again.
That's the energy of darkness.

So what do I do?
I'm sat in front of my computer and ...
I guess ill write a list...
Try and do something.
Maybe I should just try and bring a little kindness to this space of mine.
To myself!
Try and bring a little warmth into this space because no one else is going to be warming it up.
I guess I could put the heating on?
Create a bit of outer warmth
while I try and bring a little inner warmth...
And see if the day gets any easier.
I made some tea...

I wonder if I ask my heart to give me some kind of answer, what it will say?
"Weather the storm"
What does that mean?
It just means, don't worry, keep going...
The storm won't last forever.
Just put on a rain jacket
Stand on the deck and let the wind blow into my face and let the rain fall down on my waterproof Mac.
Know that I can feel cold and wet but that tomorrow maybe the sun will be out and the storm can't last forever.
So just keep keep facing into the wind.
Eyes front, head up
Keep steering the ship into the waves.

Living life on
autopilot,

Wishing I wasn’t
Going insane.

Look around me
And everything

Stays the same.

The neuropathways
In my brain

Have the wires
Crossed and
There’s

Messages that
Always change.

I’m left to
Figure it out
On my own,

Miscommunications and
Exiled from a
Place I used to call home.

I just don’t get why,
I keep trying to change,

But life pulls me to
The other side

To a place where
the stars never
had a chance to
shine.

Just slept another
day away,

Forgot to see the
sun rise.

Thought it was
nightfall,

But I guess
I was mistaken
this time.

Got out the wrong
side of the bed,

Put on my
disguise, again.

No one likes
a sad man,

Otherwise,
What’s to say
I’m fine?

Time seems to
pass everyone by

And I wish it
would speed up
in this lifetime.

But the hands
on the clock,

Only moves so far,
just like the sands
in the hourglass
of time.

Just slept another
day away,

Watched the sun,
Come creeping up,

Wore the face of
grief, and regret
under forced
smiles and alibis.

No one likes a sad man.

Why even try?

Someone please tell me,  that

..The true Art of Love  is more
than the self-centered,  'incestuous'
  form of  love,  shown
within what the Modern world
refers to as "Romantic love"..
aw ****.. please tell me it is more

    Romantic love says this--
"You are 'of value' to me because I love you"
"You are 'of value' to me because you are in my life"
"You are 'of value' to me because you are  mine"

And after the 'bliss-filled'  romantic love
     ***** the bed..
the only value that remains is through the residual,
soon to be diluted and washed out by displacement--

..Either that of a new self-centered based  'filling'
or that of the re-placement of "value-image"  
with that, brought about through the all-too-ready
  and internally-available Gaslighting process

So please, please explain it to me just how  wonderfully
"romantic' love can truly ever aid in the healing process..
     someone.. please.


     .      .      .      .      .      .      .    

Alone  she sits in her room,  waiting.
The atoms  of the air,  
carry  both sides  of the story--

  The coldness  and the warmth
  the closeness, and the distance

  ..the empty-black
  followed by the Sky-filled Blue

  Someone please tell me,  just who
  helped this little-one  to see
     that the way  out..
     is the way,  through?

Protected to the point  of nearly dying
    Insulation is isolation to the bone
     (she is crying, crying,  crying)

On a Prayer mat,  facing East;
a grounded soul  is flying

    (but flying  so very all alone)

There is a Chaste,  and a Purity
  Borne separated
from the Un-doings  of man..
    Void of all walls,  
   there is a susceptibility

Yet also  a wide-Opening
    to the pressings  of the Ache

There has been a waiting
to the point of near Death
A look in Patient eyes
    (One that separates me  
       from my breath)

Not all are so protected
from the Fallen  love of man
..Not all  have almost died
so all alone  in their room; 

  protected

From that empty kind  of love
leading to an empty, empty  Death

drag my helpless body down the hallway
where it is dark and hidden from everyone,
a place too eerie that ghosts yearn to dwell and linger
—my purpose is quite the same after all.

compelled to conceal myself in the shadows,
sublimating to an unnoticeable presence
like speck of dust upon a quaint furniture
that no matter how meticulous and kind
the hands that care for me,
i cannot be wiped clean.

a miniscule of being that i am
only has a slight chance to be found.
to be known.

His headphones fit in ears
that haven’t listened for years
I spend most of my time
looking down at my phone
which is marginally better
than feeling alone
mass communication
has fulled our isolation
once love was a rocket
now we only connect
at the USB socket

my skin was off
the first time i met you and
you saw how ugly it was to be me.
even if i looked frightening,
your face remained static—you wore the kind of skin
that reminded me of the most calm and quiet period
of the night where i can just be myself.
there, i could wear any skin i want
to hide,
to be happy,
to be at peace
or perhaps i wear them at random
just so i can feel something.

you stood there and perceived me
beyond this paper skin as if my ugliness
was something that can be erased.
but just like every skin
that is hanging inside my closet,
every single one of them is threaded
with some sort of deficiency
and each time i wear them,

     i light myself on fire
     because i like watching myself burn.
     slowly, you walked towards me to warm yourself.

I tiptoe around the world
like I'm afraid to wake it up,
to draw attention to the clicks
my shoes make

Silence does pervade
while I sit idle on the sidelines,
never close to the centre,
here it is safe

In the background I fade,
observant but cautious,
already weary of this life
and all its pains

But here is a new day;
flickering eyelids do perceive it;
as long as I'm here I'll muse
but not participate

I tiptoe around the world,
not only to leave it undisturbed,
but to keep my soul still full
with the smallest ray