I'm sorry I couldn't help you,
I was trying to help myself.

I'm sorry I didn't see the cuts,
I was busy trying to stop the blood,

I'm sorry I didn't love you sooner,
I was trying to love myself.

I'm sorry I can't be there all the time,
I have to try hard to be there to eat dinner.

I'm sorry I didn't push you to eat more,
I was trying to choke down my lunch.

I'm sorry
So so sorry

I haven't written much since you left

grocery lists, some reminders maybe?

"Feed dogs 11:30 am"

" 1 carton milk
a dozen eggs"

A couple of Christmas cards

"To my dearest brother
have a merry Christmas"

It seems the beauty in my words

left with you

I filled out a few forms at the doctors

"Name:
Age:
Address:
Contact #: "

But the words weren't beautiful like before

the world lost its color

vibrant reds, yellows and blues

reduced to blacks whites and grays

but I'm still waiting

waiting for it all to come back.

I say you need to sleep
When I'm too scared to close my eyes and try

I say you can be strong
When later I fall on the ground, too weak to stand

I tell you everything will be okay
When I can't see past the darkness in my mind to know

I tell you to make sure you're eating three meals a day
When I've skipped 5

I tell you to take care of yourself
When I don't drink water and don't eat and get myself in dangerous situations

I tell you not to give in and to never give up
When I gave in ages ago, and give up on a daily basis

I tell you to keep in mind the fact that you are beautiful and loved
When I constantly feel like I'm just a speck of dirt on your shirt, about to be brushed away

I tell you you don't need to apologize for anything
When I am constantly apologizing to the demons in my mind

I will never tell you how I imagined my suicide in the shower
How I watched myself take the frozen metal rails
And lifted my one shaking leg over the bridge
And stared down at the ice cold, daunting gaze of the great Mississippi
How I closed my eyes and pictures your face
While the cold pierced my skin and my woes pierced my heart
I will never tell you the effort it took to slid my other leg over the railing and step into my coffin
Watching the river crash it's arms against the ice
I will never say how terror gripped my insides knowing that this beast would swallow me whole
Yet knowing I cannot swim gives me comfort
Once I fall the water will push me under, beneath its arms and into it's belly
I will never tell you how time froze as I fell  
My face casted towards the stars
The cold wind holding me suspended in air for a few granted moments as I whisper my goodbyes
Goodbye moon, my lips shake against the syllables
Goodbye love, my eyes damp with defeat
Goodbye fear, my heart thrumming in my chest
Goodb-