I wish to
ruffle your hair
feed you stuff
hear you sing
be wrapped in your arms
and
kiss your lips

she* was the smart one
with a cute little smile
and heart full of kindness
she was the prettiest
and the smartest
and people
were either jealous of her
or
they wanted to be her
she was the one
who held my hand the most
and made me feel
like i was the best
of us all

we swam together
one on each lane
racing to the finish
or just helping each other make it
to the finish line

we laughed together
at the jokes that were cracked
laughing until our stomachs ached
and our eyes filled with tears

we sang together
four little voices trying to blend together
messily
but happily
we were happy

then she moved away
to a different place
to a different school
to different people

i remember
when she cried
when we had to part

i remember
when she felt lonely
and wrote me a letter
but lost it

i remember
when she had her first kiss
she was so excited
and so happy

and i remember
when she no longer called
and rarely texted
and weeks turned into months
before we'd finally meet
and talk
and tell each other
i miss you
keep in touch

but the promises are empty
because we say
but we never do
and her text are rare
and her calls rarer still

and what can i do
but sit here
and watch
as she goes out into the world
and the world changes her
until she only was
the person i once knew best

she* was the funny one
with wicked humour
and a sharp tongue
my cousin
she'd *****
so would i
we'd fight
we'd clash
but that was okay
because we were family
and that's what families do
she was the life
among us

we swam together
one on each lane
racing to the finish
or just helping each other make it
to the finish line

we laughed together
at the jokes that were cracked
laughing until our stomachs ached
and our eyes filled with tears

we sang together
four little voices trying to blend together
messily
but happily
we were happy

then she moved away
to a different place
to a different country
to different people

i remember
how she would
look in the mirror
everywhere we went

i remember
how she would run
against the wind
with her head tilted
so it would not mess her hair

i remember
her Michael Jackson dance
and the song she made
about a guy in our class

and i remember
when she made new best friends
and wore pounds of make up
and took pictures
with her cleavage showing
and we didn't meet up
because she never came back
and we rarely talked
because she was too busy
with life

a life where there is no me
no us
no inside jokes
no fighting
no sticking together

and what can i do
but sit here
and watch
as she goes out into the world
and the world changes her
until she only was
the person i once knew best

if i say

i want to kiss you

?

i wonder
if i have ever passed by
'the one'
walking along the road
or sitting in the plane

i wonder
if i have missed him
by seconds
or minutes
or maybe a day
or two

i wonder
if the next person
i see
holds the key
to the endless void
that is my heart

but mostly
i wonder
if he is already gone
if i am never to see him
if fate has plucked him away
before he had a chance
to be in my life

will i tread this earth alone, then
a part of my soul missing?
or will i settle for second best
our edges never quite fitting?