I cleared my desk today
I trashed pieces of paper, old receipts and movie tickets
I crushed and tossed letters and brochures
Perhaps its nothing to many of you
A simple clearing, of items that you no longer need
But to me, it was so much more than that
In this mass of what others may call trash
are items that hold memories and scrapped futures
Because I remember them all
Every movie we went for
Every cafe we visited
Every letter or piece of news that
we struggled or celebrated together
It was landfill of triggers that I was rummaging through eyes wide open

I was exposed
This gravity was craving in
Like an insurmountable weight
Place on top my chest
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see
You've tried for months I told myself
Today's the day you will do it
Put those memories away

But how did I do it you ask?
How was it possible to no longer feel?
Truth is, I felt it all.
The weight still came in waves
As each item still screamed for its place to stay
But I was no longer in the mood for mercy
For they have haunted me long enough
Piece by piece, I was being set free
Perhaps what I felt in all these moments was genuine
Perhaps I only felt what I wanted to
Perhaps all I did was layer to stay longer in your storm
To keep you company, to lift you up
But it mattered not
For I knew that starting today
I no longer wanted to feel that way
For this is not the love I want not deserve

So for the last time
I did what I had to
Just like when you were in lalaland
I kissed the only picture you let me keep
With the same feeling of longing in my heart
But today, it was goodbye.
With that,
I placed you far and high
Out of my reach

I cleared my desk today
Removed all the artefacts
That I marked my precious
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see
But I knew it was necessary
I knew deep down that I had more to give
But it mattered not
For it was time to go.

To all the things that weren't meant to be
I'm here saying my final apologies
For I knew that my rage is strength
For I knew that I had more to give
For I knew that this was not the end of my story
For I knew that I am grateful for all that life has given
The people, the love, the pain, the suffering
I love and am thankful for it all

But still a mark has not been made
And my fire lies unsatisfied
My fate calls for my awakening once more
And this time,
There are no chains on me
No gravity that shall bound me
No fear that will stop me
For deep in me, I feel power
Power that will allow me to
walk the path that is dark and unknown
For I am wiser and stronger
Than I have ever been
Let's do this, round 2.

Am I to let go once again
To play the fool I have mocked from that day
Am I going to refuse chances
To play the coward I have avoided since that day
I wish I approached this with not fear but acceptance
like I've trained myself to all this while
But honestly I feel the scars to this day
Not the pain I received but rather from the pain I gave

For this emotion's complexity runs far too wide
I am only human
Humans don't walk into caves with no torch
Nor do they dive into oceans without tanks
I open my mouth only to utter silence
For I am speechless in heart but screaming in mind

I apologise in advance with all sincerity
That I treat this with such hesitance
It's not that I'm made of wood or rock
I show no emotion not because I'm heartless
But because I have felt so much, that it no longer tugs my remaining heartstrings
Perhaps I am not worthy of such magic

But i hope you see that your intelligence is boundless
That your kindness awes me and your beauty stuns me truly
But above all, that your imperfections are what gives you identity
Treasure every scar for what makes you captivating is not the amount of outfits you own
But the strength of your honesty

I miss the innocence that we once shared
But I am torn up now
Unwanted and thrown aside
My struggle shall echo in this cave that I've lost myself in
As I take steps forward round and round
Pulling the chains that **** me, pulling the locks that bind me
Clinging on to the hope that you have given me
For it is what I selfishly take for my own

I'm on a hunt for darkness in darkness
The kind that would let me drift
Into lands beyond my imagination
Where silence does not lie, or mock or cry
I want a tranqualised darkness,
No scratch, cry nor song
I want to hear only black, the kind of black so deep you fall into it
The kind of black so dense nothing squeezes through
The weight of the endless hunt presses down on me
each step lifting of the ground lesser than the last
They hold my ankles so tightly, all these chains that put marks on me
and yet these hooks on my eyelids they force me to see all and forget none
They are tired of the number of times we repent, their forgiveness stretching thin
and so we drag ourselves thorugh the crushing darkness
pushing through the fog, one blade at a time
Darkness hunting darkness

Step into this room of white
4 walls higher than you can imagine
Step into my canvas or what it seems to be
But hidden behind outrageous walls
Is a Pandora's box that you shall never see
For those who do are subjected to fear
For those who do are subjects of fear

Curiosity to step deeper to this labyrinth
How far you truly are from my domain
I am an artist. I paint black canvases.
Pure, innocent black canvases.
This is a different game we play,
two pieces on a vast dark board.
Thoughts advance. Feelings cornered.
Checkmate. You are discarded.

Free falling down this pitch black pinhole
Final station. Boundless fate.
I scream in this vacuum of my own creation
Not in pain, but in joy
For down here, they look at all 4 directions,
But see nothing on these freshly painted walls.
For they never look down at the ground
Where their feet are stained with black ink
As my brush paints on it's canvas,
an unimpeachable sanguine abyss.

Sometimes I dream of sunsets and warm clouds
The end to a tiresome long day
I see the birds return to their little nests
And how the crickets came out to play

I dream of places we used to go
A path, A tree, A forest
Places where I've seen rainbows without rain

It was just like I've woken up for the first time
Head heavy.
Eyes weary.
As I sit up I got basked in yellow, comforting rays
They hug me in deep embrace
I sigh
"It's beautiful" I said

I come to be awake
But it seems like I've lost my glasses
For I see no one else, but myself on that bench
I tap the planks of wood that have endured rain and shine
Tap, TaP, TAp
But the rays hugged no one, but me
Comforted no one, but me

This silence grew uneasy
I focused in, squinting eyes and ears
For something, someone
But all I heard
Was the wind rustle through the leaves
And it whispered to me , "you're fine"

Was I?