The moon shines a cool blue tonight
as we entwine our fingers, laying on the baseball field
beneath diamond heavens. We lie
in silence, in the moments when the Universe reveals
itself, and contemplate the distances between one celestial body to
another, the space between
us growing as I turn south
to find Orion while you seek Cassiopeia in the north.

Shooting stars cross the sky, and we wish separately on dead
stars and dead dreams, lights already grown red and extinguished
as we whisper in the dark, passing
between phases.

And in the end we're all left searching.

We dont sleep,
we dont eat,
we block out as much of the world as we possibly ******* can,
and we drown ourselves in the depth of our mind
dragging the ones we love with us because we cannot bare losing them,
the way we lost ourselves.
We become the crazies,
the insanes;
labels in a world full of 'blank pages',
the outcasts that no one feels sorry for because we put ourselves in that situation.
WE skipped that meal
WE bled that word
WE drank the bleach
and
WE tied that rope around our ******* necks
because of words that could never hurt
because you were bored
because you saw the surface
because you don't ******* care that we are you in another body.
I hurt the same way you do
but you don't see
because of the smile on my face
because the walls I built became my home
because I have perfected this ******* mask.
We sat alone in our rooms feeling the weight of your judgement roll down our cheeks and into our hearts with knives and pens sticking out,
warping the way we would ever see the world again.
I want  you to know you are not alone
and that
yes
we made that decision
but it was YOU who pulled the strings on those puppets.

There's something inexplicable
about the way
they make you feel




nothing.

Happiness is fleeting
but
you are your own mistake
you keep repeating.

one of these nights
might turn out right
if you keep your mouth shut
like the door you're always
finding yourself behind
with your back against the wood,
muscles tensing
as you knew they would.


Nose bleeding-
when is the last time you ate?
It took you an hour to get ready but
no one can see all your hard work
in the shade.

"baby, you look great"
is all you wanted to grace you ears
but you've got too much on your plate
and there are only couples here.

They will pay you no mind
and you will begin to feel
you might have been left behind.

you pretend you aren't hungry
because it seems more grungy.
cigarettes will stain your teeth
and smoke will spin circles at your feet
as you sway alone;

always hanging in the wings
you're looking for another drink
another triple shot
and you sink deeper into
the half-assed hope
that this will be a night
you forgot.

Just more meaningless crumbs
of these evening hours
accumulating into an unusable mass
of dried out nights

exaggerate another fight
you had with your mind-
what will you do when they call you out
for being lower than the grout
in the bathroom
baby face like you just came out of the womb
your knife is duller than
your conversation topic
you're a fake-
From a mile away can you be spotted.

Drained of inspiration
plagued by perpetual consternation
what will you sample next
on your way to a falsified elation.

Spending weeks away dragon chasing-
How long will you be on mental vacation?
They're growing impatient.

C.e.M. 12.21.2014