My Vascular ***** to an Animate Object is threadbare.
This Thing is at my center, this insubstantial machine isn't connected.
So neglected, It sits. Fragile and feeble and splintered and split.
And here I will be,
Captivated again by your ameteur refurbishment. You remedy and patch.
But I know what you are. The grim orange streetlamps illuminate you.
And you devour.
And I drown and I loose my breath as I give in and I am absorbed completely.
Soggy, damp, and oh, so obsessed.
And as expected, nothing tangible remains, just a wreched spectre, a terrible being. Not an animate.
My Vascular ***** will sit and stare and will remain threadbare.

skin
shrinks back
sunken
skeletal like
skull
shows thro
pink
flesh
exposed
by
sparse hair
woolen
underwear clings
to wreched
skin
shrunken back
sparse hair
clings
to
black
clothes

When you speak ill of me
do you know what I see?
Division in this group of three
separation is what I see.

When you speak ill of me
do you know what I see?
A person filled with such beauty
is now as ugly as can be.

When you speak ill of me
do you know what I see?
Poison plaguing once such glee
killing all that's wild and free.

When you speak ill of me
do you know what I see?
A screaming, wreched, fey banchee
who thinks too much she is Queen Bee.

So when you speak ill of me,
it puzzles me that you can't see
how beautiful that you could be
IF YOU'D SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

... We both agree.

It claws at my mind
scraping at my sanity
clawing at my weary neurons
plucking them like over tightened strings.
the anxiety of my newest situation
and soon it wakes
my grotesque demons
       the blind paranoia
who darts around the room for fear of the shadows' conspiracies
       the nit-picky self-loathing
with its millions of fingers to point at all of my the faults
       the gangly self-doubt
who can't help but look at everything in a depressive, helpless way
       and the wreched memory
which can recall every criticism ever received at the drop of a pin
and many pins drop in this world.

Prepare yourself,
this gets interesting












Have you ever imagined how a hanging body sways.
Back and forth
A human pendulum
The physics between each swing.
The noose,
The body
potential to kinetic energy
Over
And over
And over.
welcome
To the dark side of my brain,
The dark side of my art we call poetry.
This is the side not many see.
Because this side of me craves a bullet between my eyes,
My delicate blood to be splattered as artwork.
This is the raw side of me.
That i dont show people
This is terrible you could be thinking
Or...
You could be thinking
ive heard worse
And maybe so
But nothing is worse to me than wishing for ******* death,
Rather than looking at a ******* abuser one last ****** time!
ive had enough
And
I know im crazy.
But every human snaps...
Kind of like the time he snapped my arm
a slight pop
And
Ouch
A world of pain.
But stop,
And you could be thinking...
now what the actual **** am i reading
Allow me.
You are reading a lonely 15 year old boy's crazy side.
A side he can easily hide,
But has decided not too.
This is the thought of letting my inner self free just once
Letting my suicide revolver speak only in poetry just once
No,
If you actually care
Dont worry about me.
Im fine.
Im not gonna guzzle bleach
Pop a bullet
Or go for a physics lesson.
Nope im gonna keep living
And writing crazy **** like this.
Let my imagination, though dark it may be, run for a bit.
Heres the truth.
We all have a bit of this side in us.
We all have those thoughts.
Those whispers.
And i resist them, yes.
Because truth is,
its my inner brilliance
The fact that i let myself ease in to the darkness,
But refuse to let it controll me...
Its a true gift.
And i hide it
Behind a thin veil of happieness.
Because in the end,
Only a true lover can make these thoughts mend.
(Wait what the ****!?! Is this a **** love poem)
Ha!
Nope.
Well maybe a bit
Its just me
An average guy
Telling you,
Im lonely
Depressed
Insecure.
And i hope there is someone
To come with me
To be with me
To love me
To hold me
To make me feel whole again.
*do you believe someone could love such a wreched person like me?

In a world so cold,
For I am alone,
The stars cannot comfort this heart,
For I am alone,
Not even their vaseness,
Filling the universe,
Brings me comfort,
For I am alone,
They all leave to their heart's content,
For I am alone,
Those who say they love me,
Fall like diamonds over a glittering sea,
Soon to vanish,
For I am alone,
Her words stinging,
As a slap to the face,
For I am alone,
His actions,
Bringing him farther and farther from home,
For I am alone,
The tears seeping down my face,
Unable to end,
For I am alone,
The past,
a wreched sword,
And I,
A corpse at its point,
For I am alone,
A puppet of misery,
And wishful of futures unknown,
For I am alone.

i thought about you yesterday.
despite all the pain you caused me and all the chaos our whole entirity and togetherness was i saw our photo and two years ago today notice and my heart wept for us. you and i it wept. writing this now i feel it in the back of my throat that wreched aching of sorrow and sadness it began to overwhelm me, i swear right then and there in that moment i still loved you and my world could crumble and it wouldn’t matter. it matters. today i missed you walking through the halls of a place i last was and only had been with you before, and here i was walking through looking at the same jeans i had picked out and bought for you, as my new love was buying bullets at the other counter. i was so choked up i just wanted to run out of the building as fast as i could and never look back but i just stood there with this terrible feeling in the back of my throat and swallowed it, then walked out with my boyfriend to his car and we drove away. i couldn’t stop thinking about how guilty i felt and still feel for thinking about you. now i just watched a video and i see your ****** hand and all those times of you throwing yourself into walls and into the earth into objects all of those terrible flashbacks flood the back of my eyelids and i can’t help but cry. I’m full of worry if you still do those things still if you only did those things when we were together was it all just one terrible nightmare of a show or is that how you are and always will be. did you hurt yesterday too? was that as sad for you as it was for me? i don’t have a journal but ill be buying one soon. i just needed to get out these feelings my head was cluttered i was feeling overwhelmed with sadness for my old heart. i pray to god that you are okay and just fine without me and i pray i didn’t make a huge mistake because i think we may be much better off without each other. all we did together was struggle and hurt. but if i see you ever walking the streets and ill look at you with deep eyes because no one could ever understand the struggles we had to go through together i don’t know anyone of this day and age like us that ever felt the poverty and ache and all the hurt that the world is capable of, we experienced that together and stuck by each other no matter how terrible it was and i will always respect us both for that.

I move like death.
Silent breath.

Im the monster in every tale.
In the witch, the fiend, even the white whale.

Im wreched and vile to my very core
Im fear, im envy, im so much more

I am the night
I am the light.

Putred, disgusting, my pelt pusses with slime
I'll live through it all and rise straight through the grim

There are more of me. We spread like wildfire
Nothing quite quenching our desire

Ill turn on my brother, it's loyalty i lack
If my eyes wander to a meal behind his back

My hunger ferociously consumes me, Im a slave to its will
it controls how i move, how i breath, when i ****

Ill charm you over with just my grin
Then in just one moment your world will spin

I wont leave your screams, even if u beg

For you see, I live in your home…

                                 …and stand on two legs.