i thought about you yesterday.
despite all the pain you caused me and all the chaos our whole entirity and togetherness was i saw our photo and two years ago today notice and my heart wept for us. you and i it wept. writing this now i feel it in the back of my throat that wreched aching of sorrow and sadness it began to overwhelm me, i swear right then and there in that moment i still loved you and my world could crumble and it wouldn’t matter. it matters. today i missed you walking through the halls of a place i last was and only had been with you before, and here i was walking through looking at the same jeans i had picked out and bought for you, as my new love was buying bullets at the other counter. i was so choked up i just wanted to run out of the building as fast as i could and never look back but i just stood there with this terrible feeling in the back of my throat and swallowed it, then walked out with my boyfriend to his car and we drove away. i couldn’t stop thinking about how guilty i felt and still feel for thinking about you. now i just watched a video and i see your ****** hand and all those times of you throwing yourself into walls and into the earth into objects all of those terrible flashbacks flood the back of my eyelids and i can’t help but cry. I’m full of worry if you still do those things still if you only did those things when we were together was it all just one terrible nightmare of a show or is that how you are and always will be. did you hurt yesterday too? was that as sad for you as it was for me? i don’t have a journal but ill be buying one soon. i just needed to get out these feelings my head was cluttered i was feeling overwhelmed with sadness for my old heart. i pray to god that you are okay and just fine without me and i pray i didn’t make a huge mistake because i think we may be much better off without each other. all we did together was struggle and hurt. but if i see you ever walking the streets and ill look at you with deep eyes because no one could ever understand the struggles we had to go through together i don’t know anyone of this day and age like us that ever felt the poverty and ache and all the hurt that the world is capable of, we experienced that together and stuck by each other no matter how terrible it was and i will always respect us both for that.