no... it's not one of those what came first
type of questions revolving around
a chicken and an egg...

but... since we became innate in translating
images into audibility,
of a more potent system of encoding...

i'm starting to question one "clue"...
did humanity discover the current
encoding system of meaning,
from what, let's just posit: hieroglyphs
as the starting block...

well... because whatever the Chinese
invested in originally... has remained intact...
but i'm wondering...

did we discover the Greek Δ (delta) first...
or... was it the case that...
encoding sounds, using images,
became so outdated...
that looking up at the stars...
               we figured a second tier of
the abstract of communication?

basically... did we discover the skeletal
phonetic first... or did we discover geometry first?
geometry: the basis for an abstract
spatial coordination, with regards to
whether time should be inclusive,
or exclusive in this new field of study?

to me it's a big question...
does the letter Δ (delta) predate the concept
of a triangle?

              new chicken, new egg dynamic...
i'm just curious...
   i'm trying to suggest that...
according to the Greeks...
         the triangle had to be
an a priori concept with the a posteriori
Δ...
               i could be wrong...
but... like an aeroplane conundrum...

i'm thinking: Δ... so... people talking about
climbing mountains?!
how else could you even begin abstracting
a letter, delta, conjuring up a triangle?!

I VM ᛏ Δ:
                   i walk up mountain...

primordial languages,
which primarily originated in verbs...
not the elaborate nouns and noun
distinctions of today...

so what came first? the triangle,
or Δ?
                 in Latin that's I VM T D...
WM? zigzag, or the anti-image
representation of side-winding,
walking: up-down-up-down-up-down...

so what came first?
the letter Δ... or the discussion concerning
triangles?

well... if you look further in time...
i'm pretty sure that I predates 1,
V predates 5,
                        IV predates 4...
X predates 10...
      a time when even 0 wasn't conjured
of looking into the void of Omicron...
so...

                  Δ predates the concept of
studying a triangle...
Δ is the a priori variant of the a posteriori
triangle...
given the Roman numerals...

and i'm pretty sure Δ was derived
from the contorts of a mountain...

i like that summary in the title:
I VM ᛏ Δ        : i travel up mountain...
Roman, Runic, Greek...

                  which just bewilders me,
how much of the ancient tongues had
to improvise with hand-gestures,
the same gesticulations that are still with
us when it concerns deaf people...

i did write a contradiction in this
piece didn't i?
   i might have written that the triangle
predated the Δ,
which is impossible...

                  given that...
Δ is an abstraction of a hieroglyph construct
of encoding...
   at having written the encoding Δ,
having spent some time looking
at a mountain... there was no triangle
in sight... no 2D pyramid in the world...

but then some scholastic book-worm
concentrated on the letter Δ...
and conjured up a triangle!

                         i guess i should make
this an ode, an ode to the god Tyr.

p.s.

there is a variant of how sign-language
provided the enzyme of evolution...
the gnostic A / Λ (lambda)
to denote the unit of 1, or the vector
encouragement posit of:
  one's actions -
                                   the gnostics
tend to focus, not on the iota, I...
the index finger... but the alpha...

                            i.e.

                      (  )     (  )
                            A

the blanks denoting the presence of eyes...
    by comparison Λ (la-mbda)
                                    how many African
languages use the mbaku - the mb-
prefix?
                                   Λ VM ᛏ Δ -
           i.e. i'm the first (on top)
to walk up the mountain...
                  the mountain is a mountain
because its foundation is the ground
i walk on...
               but among the people,
the people are not my foundation...
i am the foundation that pulls people
forward...
                                      otherwise...
conflict stemming from Λ in the form
of A...
                       hierarchic conflict at the cut
off point... whereby... a large majority
of people: fall into the abyss...
     as it definitely does happen
in real life.

9/18/09

The Boy With the Birthmark on His Right Lower Calf

1/7/10 8:36 pm
The first boy that left me was my first love, he was the first boy who ever called me beautiful and he made me feel that way for about 3 and a half months until the distance became to much to bare, but we kept in touch for about 5 years so I guess you can say it never really ended because the pull of our hearts still happen to burn for each other every now and again, he is one for the books because he's never walked away from me he's stood by me through countless arguments, but I think we will always be connected. He taught me what it's like to fall in love unfortunately he didn't teach me how to stop falling face first onto cold hard gravel because now that he has someone new, I'm completely off the rails. I hope he comes back and saves me soon. He is the only boy I can't ever seem to get enough of, he is like a drug, the minute he touches me my veins fill with a substance of desire and my heart speeds up to about ten beats a minute and all this proceeds to happen within mire seconds of reconnecting I can't even begin to describe how it's been these past 5 years still being able to get that same rush around that boy--and only that boy. He is a drug I would gladly overdose on.

6/20/13

The Boy With the Cold Heart & the Four Glass Eyes

9/3/13 10:45 pm
The second boy that left me was no where near as beautiful as the first but he was one for deep talks and insecure walks. He told me what he hated about himself and how self-conscious he really was, that before he became "Mr. Player" he was a loser who always felt alone. His body was not beautiful he was destruction at its finest, his skin stretched and felt like scratching cold silver, in all respects he was quite a disgusting filth though at the time I found him to be made out of gold but I was dead wrong for he was the worse kind of killer-- a true sociopath if you ask me but I mean what do I know I'm a ****** right? Although the only thing he wanted was to toy with me and trick me into trusting the devil, granted I should have never gotten involved with him in the first place, because he truly tore me to shreds and he was still a baby so maybe that's why things ended badly between us, because even though I was naive then, he's still quite immature, I wish I could say he's changed but he hasn't.

12/6/13

The Boy Who Made Me Feel Alive Again

12/27/13 1:08 pm
The third boy that left me, well unlike the second boy he didn't do damage he actually did magic by gently outlining the curvature of my spine and liking the thoughts inside my head before we ever even came face to face, he knew me through words and kissed me like he held a secret between his lips. He didn't like books but he liked my thoughts on paper and he listened quite intently, so I guess that was enough. I noted little details when we walked home in the dark, like the fact that he lit up whenever I spoke and he always looked me dead in the eye, however neither of us had been murdered. Or the way he sounded when he told me about his life, or even the fact that he'd risk injury from oncoming traffic because of his fearless physique, maybe he was just trying to impress me but these are a few things that were beautiful  about this boy. But yet again, happiness in the form of Father Time only stands at my doorstep for a month or so because on the 27th on the coldest month of the year he walked out without even a proper goodbye.

*(vm)

On August 31, 2012
at 1:44 PM
Tom bought
Value Meal
VM
Whopper
No Onion
Small Fries
Small Soda
Coke
For $6.27
From Jorge
and then went to the North Village Branch of the Austin Public Library
to check out
Superman: The High-Flying History of America's Most Enduring Hero
Returning it undamaged, unmarked
So I could check it out
At 15:31
On September 7, 2012

If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive, I hope you know at least that and even though you chose ashes over my last lit cigarette I will stand by you fearlessly. Someday when you get married and you remember me enough to send me an invitation when the priest calmly asks "Speak now or forever hold your peace" I will rise, look you dead in the eye and begin to cry, I'll walk over to the middle of the aisle and place a letter down on the floor  labeled with your name inside of it, it will say "I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry for having been a burden and wanting to share Friday evenings alone in your car, I'm sorry I'm more complicated than you signed up for, you may be happier but I wonder how it makes you feel knowing you're the reason I am alive, You're the boy who saw me when I was invisible and called me beautiful after the end of our better three months and I will never not think of you and smile, You will always be the first boy I ever loved even if the feeling is not mutual....I hope the sound of my name makes you light up from time to time, I hope you flashback to our first night and our last, I hope you remember looking at the moon and thinking of me, I hope you remember those moments we had in the grass, we were so young then. I hope you know I will always love you...."

*vm

Don't trust boys with maddening hunger and hazel specked eyes i guarantee you there's a monster behind that mask, don't let him sweet talk years of your life away, he's insanely good at it. Don't let him ****** your mind so he can put you in a closet for when he wants you.
Don't trust boys with glasses and slouchy shoulders, his heart is cold and his mind is tilted, believe me he's not worth the fight save yourself the trouble and walk away before he tears you in two.
Don't trust boys with lip piercings and dusty hearts, he'd run back to his drug of choice if given the chance and I promise you no matter how much you pray, it won't be you. He'll take your last breath before you have a chance to scream, don't you dare let him run away with your voice, he may have left you breathless but I swear to god he is poison.
Don't trust boys with bruises and curly hair, there's no telling how deep his wounds are and no matter how much you beg and plead and cry and howl at the moon that this wasn't suppose to happen he'll walk away too, he won't be able to close the door to his past. Believe me it will hurt like hell, some days it will feel hard to get out of bed. But this is exactly why you should not trust boys with whirl winds in their eyes and daggers in their fingertips and this is exactly what they will do to you. I would know, because it happen to me.

*vm

Easier to retell events by saying, "I have a friend" when I say friend it's me.
I have a friend who created a profile on a few sites. This one was for wanting
to get to know someone who writes poems but my friend is a not so good wannabe poet.
My friend is a good looking guy but with working on net  for hours he joined
Facebook because my friend has a busy life but wanted to friend and
chat with people while working who post little of those tmi headliners updates.
He joined Google plus adding interesting lady he likes to his circle.
He didn't break the law last Friday but met someone in a parking lot thinking
she was nice and maybe he was ready to throw in the towel on meeting the interesting one.
The goal was to **** butterflies he's got in his stomach he gets thinking of interesting lady.
He made a mistake giving out his cell phone number after a long talk
at dinner with the new lady he met and who asked him to dine and she insisted on paying.  
My friend wishes he'd figure out she was a Facebook friend who used a different name,
much younger pics and ones of others. She had been trolling the net stalking his profiles
and comments to figure out what he was seeking and what he wanted in a lady.  
He's now regretting his actions and feels dumb after learning Miss sneaky was a fake.
Miss Sneak Fake figured out pretty ****** fast which poet he was posting as.
His vm is full from all calls she's been making since they parted late Friday.
He's thankful he did not give in to her requests of seeing his place.
He prefers living with being patient and the butterflies in his stomach over that
one with fingers that wont quit dialing. He regrets believing she was normal.

I may idolize the boy who always saved me, he belongs in books but amazingly this is non-fiction
I might pay close attention to the way he runs his fingers through his hair, but I could watch him run through forests for hours on end
I may always want to have the last word in an argument even though the boy himself is what I'm focused on the entire debate, I don't care who wins I just want you to stay
I may be insanely jealous maybe even ****** but at least I love you more than she ever could and you know it's true.
I may get upset over small things you do, but you'll always be my favorite correction to mark with red pen, don't worry I promise I'll forgive you in the morning
I may be a pain every now and again but at least you know I'm alive today, because without you I hope you know I would have given up a long time ago.
I may love too passionately and too fierce but at least I will never desert you in the dark or want you to be reduced to cold red slashes on the most beautiful parts of your body
I may be complicated and more in love with you than I am with my own reflection
But at least I am self-less, at least I care whether or not the boy I love more than life itself is breathing in the morning. At least I know the difference between love and pity, at least I fight the will every morning with my shadow to make sure I have a chance to let you know how much I love you, you really should cherish it, because who knows if you'll hear it tomorrow. I'm a lost cause who loves your little pieces of stardust more than the sparkles on my skin but at least I love you enough-- to let you know.

*vm

Everytime I tell a boy just how much he means to me, he replies with "You can't help how you feel" or something along those lines and those six words alone bring a tear to my eye because yes I can't help how I feel. The moon doesn't apologize for falling at daybreak, and rain doesn't apologize for ripping at your winter coat, so really why should I apologize for loving you?

Maybe you were no good from the beginning but I do know that I can't help shaking at the thought of your skin colliding with mine, the touch of your fingers could send chills down my spine and make me breath smoky fog for about a year after winter. I can't help falling in like with the way you half smile when you look at the sky or the way you inhale smoke and release it from your lungs like a pro at blowing autumn leaves even though you aren't a master at escaping.  I can't help clawing at your backbone for hours on end hoping that somewhere within the hour I'll be able to feel your spinal cord in the midst of our encounter, and bring you back from the dead. I can't help loosing control of my tongue the minute you feed me lies, although you could burn beautiful words in the back of my throat, I promise I won't scream. I can't help wanting to unravel your secrets and read you books at 1 am and talk about the rest of our lives for hours on end, although owning an apartment in New York overlooking the rest of the world sounds quite appealing, don't you think? We could sit at the window and drink coffee in silence, I promise not to bombared you with words for to long. I can't help mistaking those summer nights for learning of your darker days, because you hid neatly behind your two glass spectacles and didn't dare show me what lied beneath your brown pupils. I can't help that an evening in your car will only drive me insane, because who knows where our nostalgia will take us as we drive down memory lane, maybe our honesty will get the better of us and our love will come flooding back into our bones before our soberity has a chance to say no.  I can't help seeing a light in your eyes if you walk me home in the dark, because I just might go blind if I allow you inside my burning building, I might become ash before you have a chance to pull me out alive.
There is a lot of truth in what you said because yes-- I guess I just couldn't help falling in love with you,
So yes-- I guess I really can't "help how I feel" after all.

*vm

As we sat and inhaled the past and the memories radiated through our veins, I asked you as we sat high and dry if you cared to know why I never gave myself to the boy of glass and you said sure and in that minute or two it took me to pluck up the courage to tell you why, I thought about the wind beneath us under that tunnel as we watched ***** river banks and I said "I didn't give myself to him because he wasn't you, because I didn't love him like I love you, that how much I'd rather give myself to you was what saved me from making a choice I would have regretted deeply, for ever since I first met you I knew--I looked at you and I knew.. Look at that boy I'm going to love him forever, I'm going to give him all of me--even if it kills me--I'm going to give him my broken pieces and make the seconds I spend inside his head count--I'm going to haunt his head until he becomes drunk off the way my body arches back or the way my toes crinkle or even just way I happen to nibble on his lip. I didn't give myself to him because he was a boy of stone cold cement but you are a boy of beautiful stardust I would gladly waste a million wishes on, however with all the battles we have been through you've actually been a blessing, the small piece of sky that just so happens to make feel alive. I cannot thank you enough for existing and bringing me back from the dead, I didn't give myself to him because he was not worth my simple innocence and my million dollar heart, for the fire beneath my skin has been burning only for you, for about 5 years..
I didn't give myself to him because he was not beautiful, he was never one for standing with me through tough waters, he thought cruel words that brought down my worth was the way to go, however he was not you. You've never raised your voice at me or even attempted to belittle me with cursed words because unlike him, I know that I too set off a storm beneath your ribcage making your heart numb to the idea of leaving a love like this behind, because you and I both know that we simply couldn't do it, not now, not ever...
so if you must know I didn't give myself to him because he destroyed me from the start and you've spent years saving me, you could have given up and walked out a long time ago --but you didn't and I thank you for at least that even if we can only be together in my head, maybe in 10 years time when we waste another countless night inhaling our past we can try again--but until then I would like you to know the reason why I never gave myself to him and it is because
he-- was not you."

*vm

(Disclaimer)
To The Boy With the Birthmark On His Right Lower Calf
( 9/18/09 - Forever Avenue )
You are a boy of a million different personalities one minute you love me more than anything the next you choose burned ashes over my last lit cigarette, you are the ocean beneath my feet you guide me to safer waters and make me believe in soulmates, i think that's what we were from the start, what we are, what we will always be. I will never love another boy like i do you. Five years has been but a pleasure, i could never truly walk away from you, you know that but i do take breaks from allowing you to make me cry because i don't want how much I love you to **** me I've heard it can happen so i guess in all respects this poem may not apply to you completely because you'll always be light in my life




This is my goodbye

To the Boy With the Cold Heart & the Four Glass Eyes
( 6/20/13 - 9/3/13 )
You are not made out of gold
You are rotten piles dirt
You were never one for intimate talks
In just 4 brutal encounters and 3 months of sweet nothing's you surely replaced you're sensitive skin for the persona of true devil in training
you sure were quick to remove cloth from skin
I should have figured it when I wanted to just lay and waste away or when I complained of being to tired to continue you'd say "you're being boring" as if the arousal was more exciting than being in nothingness together but maybe that's because you only loved my body however after you my body now disgusts me to look at, although I must say the scars are quite appealing , they haven't gone away.

To The Boy Who Made Me Feel Alive Again
( 12/6/13 - 12/27/13 )
You were true magic
A good listener from the start and quite polite when it came to the feel of velvet on velvet
You looked at me as I looked and the sky wondering how I even ended up here without being pronounced dead on arrival. That night in the dark with you was the night I released the last boy, the one just before you, from my ribcage for good and allowed you inside the darkest parts of me, thinking you would fix them or at least hoping you would, that made me feel somewhat okay, however when we reached my side of the street and our lips first collided I did not know it would be the first--and last time we would ever meet. Sometimes I thank God for meeting you even if you did leave like the rest
You made me feel alive for a good few weeks until you proved my theory of lovers wrong and calmly walked away, I like to think you'd come back if given the chance but maybe you're better off
I guess I'll never know

So to the both of you I have but one thing to say-- this is my goodbye

*(vm)

You can have that boy
really you can
I don't want him but not because of reasons you think
you can have that boy because if he won't have deep talks with you at 1 am then I don't want him
if he doesn't like books and his favorite parts don't happen to end in cliff hangers and beautiful begininngs then I don't want him
If he isn't very smart and his bestfriend is a pig I don't want him
if he chooses looks over intellect and the feel of your skin as apose to what's underneath it and if he doesn't try to dig deeper into your soul through unlocked doors then I don't want him
if he pretentious and thinks he's all that and more and presumes he can throw your heart around like a deck of cards, then I don't want him
if he plays your heart strings like his favorite instrument and then puts it away when he gets tired then I don't want him
if he chooses false friendships over your love and says he "simply doesn't have the time" to save you
Then I don't want him
Quite frankly I don't want a boy
who is built out of stone cold silver and rotting piles of dirt
I don't want a boy who isn't clever and doesn't let his nostalgia over take him from time to time...
so you can have that boy

*vm

You're just a boy I happen to loose sleep over
you're just a boy who happens to make my fingertips go numb enough for me to not feel at all
You're just a stupid boy who happens to live in the sea and every time you swim in and out of my heart, I swear it's like a tsunami has been set off in my ribcage, my lungs are filling with water and because of you I can't seem to breath. my legs begin to shake as you look me in the eye, and my heart begins to race even though you haven't touched me yet, you've only just begun to tell me how pretty I look with my hair behind my ear or a book propt up neatly in front of my face, you happen to enjoy novels though you're no expert on words, you happen to love astrology and yet you haven't spotted us within the stars, or maybe it's just me beating you at your own game, as we share cross words I don't know what I'm beginning to fall in love with first, you or the way you are so intriguing as you speak, although you happen to have a lisp, I don't mind because the sound of your voice could sing me to sleep, as we keep conversing over the simplest of beauties. I begin to ask you the basics but little do you know I'm asking so I know what to write about as I begin to fall in love with the way you say hello, I'm asking so I know what to write about when you decide you've had enough of being just a story as I fall in love with the way you kiss goodbye. I'll run over every little detail about you until my fingertips fall off and I have you memorized down to the drop of a pen, I'll begin to find everything about you absolutely beautiful and I will not be able to control myself and it really is quite terrible that I'll do all of this in a matter of minutes.

*vm

as I listened to the song that made me think of you weeks ago. I found the reason I couldn't seem to bare another breath when you decided I wasn't as important and I thought about that first day, where I laid on your chest and thought I could hear your heartbeat, it was nothing but shallow footsteps amongst the gravel that resides to the right of the grass beating down on the forgotten souls of all those broken hearts before us, who happened to have laid in that very same spot
and as I rested my head amongst clouds and my nail circulated amongst weary pillow tops. It reminded me of something it felt like something. something so familiar and then I discovered it felt like your fingers tracing shapes amongst my spine as I lay atop oceans of you oh so vulnerable and oh so still, letting you in through the cracks they left open but you didn't always kindly ask permission, because every now and then you didn't roll your fingers across like flower petals,
you rolled daggers and inch or so deep into me, and you know what?
I came out half alive, so I guess all I can say in the end is thanks to the boy  who made me feel so alive again...

*vm

is that nothing's really real

- vm

I walked past your house today for the first time in about a month for the first time since the scars stopped bleeding and that was two months ago and honestly the only feeling that flowed through me in the seconds when you flashed into my head i felt nothing but disgust  nothing but anger when i see you in person i don't bare you a glance at all anymore, you weren't worth it, you never were, however when our eyes do happen to meet i hope you know how sorry I feel for you because you are a heartless waste of stardust and i hope it ******* haunts you forever that you're the reason behind the scars on someone else's body and i hope knowing that--and just that-- kills you inside and tears you to shreds

*vm

The shattered pieces of glass on the floor remind me of what you did to my heart, they remind me of the pain but they also remind that somewhere between being broken over you my gut began to grow back together in the midst of missing you because you had done your damage however one day I met a boy who kissed like he had a secret and he was very quick to remind me I was not less than you he was quick to remind me I was stronger than any war ever fought and he was quick to remind me I was more beautiful than I thought
He was quick to remind me velvet is a lot like skin and that it's okay to be afraid of the dark
Although I'm a master at being left he taught me that painful lesson too, just like you only a mire month later
*(vm)

A part of me hates not trying harder for you when I had the chance I mean it's now so awkward between us, we give each other blank stares for that might be all we were ever worth to each other I hate knowing I didn't try harder for you and wanting you as wildly as you wanted me, sometimes I wonder what would've happened if you'd gotten the chance to be mine, would we finally be at harmony in one another's eyes because as of right now it feels like we have unfinished business, when you look at me and smile I can't help but wonder what your thinking or if maybe your not thinking anything at all maybe you just happen to gaze in my direction or the fact that we haven't hugged once since I was fifteen and today as I said goodbye to you and your new love as we parted down the path, you looked at me with your arm held out for a hug and I walked toward you, books in hand unable to return the warm embrace and in that moment I wondered what made you want to say more than goodbye, what made you want to embrace me for a second or two or was it just a friendly hug, whenever I'm around you I'm just not sure anymore, granted your feelings may have faded but I do wonder from time to time if I happen to cross your mind more than once on our awkward encounters.

*vm

Every boy i kiss is a poem waiting to happen and I'm the definition of being left. They really are all the same, some of them are just better pretenders if you ask me. Take boy #1 for example I spent five years trying to find something buried inside of him but in the end all I found was dust and empty words, maybe I really did waste my time but it's too late now. Now take boy #2 he never wanted me from the start. He was all bite and no bark, he was all passion but no love, he was all sweet but had not an ounce of compassion, he was everything I never wanted and yet I couldn't resist, although he taught me that my body is nobody's toy, nobody's temple,and nobody's property, except my own and in the end the only regret I have is the rush he gave me under my skin. Now take boy #3 he made me feel half alive, he brought back some light in my eyes however in the end it felt like I was on the brink of insanity he only taught me that even sunshine doesn't last long. Now take boy #4 he was a real gem, a master of disaster if you ask me. He made me believe in love again however he was quick to cut the cord and walk back to his past. I guess I learned even saints can be sinners sometimes.

*vm

7/10/14 // 1:50 am

I looked at his pictures and I didn't really feel as mad as I used to be looking at the first boy I ever loved be happy, I didn't really get jealous of her, I got jealous because he had the person that makes him happy next to him and I don't. That was my sad realization. I didn't get angry seeing him be happy, I got angry knowing I'm not. I've always felt that he was better than me, in every aspect of life. Ability to have long relationships, School, Morals, Life. And then I thought about you, and how you made me feel better about all that, you didn't make me feel like I was at war, you made me feel at peace for the first time in my 5 years of sacrificing my love and devotion to a boy who only runs to me when he has the time. You're not him, you'll never be him. But I'm so glad you're you and I'm so so so glad I have met and had the pleasure of caring so deeply about someone as magnificent as you. Even if you left me in the dark like everyone else. You made me feel like I mattered. I know more than anyone it's possible to love someone in only two weeks and sure when you said it, it freaked me out but now that you're gone, that's all I want to tell you. I think I'm falling in love with you too. But I know it's too late.


*vm

When I met him, I met the first boy who would drive me insane, and when he left me I couldn't think straight for 5 years. Sometimes I hate him, sometimes I would kneel at his feet, sometimes he still haunts me.
Then I met a boy who rolled along gravel for longer hours than he could ever stay in his own home and when he left me and I didn't leave my house for a week. He used my body for his sick little games of cat and mouse and never once considered what this would all do to me. I got very sick sometime in January because of his constant ridicule and the jokes of others, they put me on meds for stress related pain. I'm glad I don't ever have to see him again. The sight of him makes me want to *****.
Then after him I met a boy who loved the way I wrote but was not intellectual in the slightest and when he left me I cried for five days and two months. He chose a lover of longer years over someone who saw sunshine in his eyes, however I guess I just didn't examine the dust in his heart. Maybe I should've looked closer. Would that have saved me?
And then sometime later, I met you, I thought I found the one who meant his every word and he was better than all 3 handsome devils combined. You called me you're little sunflower and said I made you feel human. But when you left me I realized that you were nothing but a liar, a pathetic piece of boy who I only found attractive because of what I thought he could see inside me a boy who told all the sweetest of lies when really all along he was just like the rest. You left me for the same reason as the last, however none of these boys have captured my attention so profoundly, now I really do feel lost. You said you'd be there whenever I needed you, and well it's 4:04 am and I'm crying my eyes out and I feel like gagging up my memories. Where are you? I need you.
Where are you when I need you?


*vm

You came into this world kicking and screaming, crying and alone...some people will leave this world the same way. Some will find a love who sets them on fire. Some will get buried under the pressure of living. Some will leave us too soon when you wish to god you had just one last chance. Some will move away from everyone and everything they know and end up finding themselves buried beneath branches somewhere in Ohio. Some will fight and scream at the moon until the ocean settles into their skin. Some will hit their head into concrete trying understand why people leave and why things change in the blink of an eye. Some faces will fade and some hands will linger longer than they were supposed to. Some may not remember what it felt like to sit next to you at 3 am strung out and close. Some may not be able to forget the look of your loving eyes. Some may race with bullets and some may tackle ghosts. Everybody dies in a different way. Everyone's life is another ocean we have yet to sail on. Don't underestimate the love of your soul. It can save someone. Maybe they won't have to leave this world kicking and screaming, and crying and alone.

*vm

Shadows of your smile will always remain Avant playing in the background. Long day of shopping 🛍 come home we washing. For the new day, I’m in bed ready to relax as the music play. You hop in the shower body wash opening up my senses. Something feels off I think to myself this night feels different. My mind starts wondering to places I never knew were there, hoping you ain’t going out anywhere. New clothes picked out fresh socks 🧦, you smile as the clock tick tocks . Where you going I ask you, out with my boys if that’s okay with you. I roll my eyes cuz I knew this was coming my mind wasn’t racing for nothing. You always do this I yell in my mind, all the while his jays im helping him find. I know what this is, another ***** ain’t it? You all ready to go you already faded. Smoke through the hallway didn’t even pass it, spraying cologne trying to mask it. Bae just stay home tonight please don’t go, I’ll b back by midnight his
Words rolled. Kiss on the forehead hunny I’ll see you lata. The I love you was brief no one could hear it. It’s now 2am your phone going to vm, I’m up can’t sleep I’m ****** u can tell.