Daniel?

A piggish snort. Crusted eyes crack open like the wings of a beetle. Ragged nails scrape against the red-worn desert of an adolescent jawbone. A fishlipped yawn.

Ugh. What?

What did you call that plant thing again?

Jesus, James. Waxwood. It's a reddish bark. Oozes this cloudy stuff if you crush it.

Oh. Yeah, of course. Sorry.

Ambient silence. Raindrops fill with rotting organic sediment and fall into the leaves around the
clapboard tollbooth. A zealous fist of ivy tightens its tattered fingers across rheumatic windowpanes.

Dan?

Mm?

Why don't you like to talk about Clifftown?

Ambient silence. Raindrops. Ivy.

I’ll tell you why I don’t like to talk about Clifftown.

Go on.

Sigh.

I was born there. Before all this happened, it was this small village where onions grew. Not many people lived there. There was... Christ. A church, a chemist, a library and a few houses. The biggest house was this tall yellow clapboard place, which was on the cliff by the sea. This kid who lived there. He wasn’t -

A thud as a gesticulating knuckle rasps against splintered pine.

-Ow, **** - didn’t look human. His head was big and soft like a berry, and his eyes were wide and wet and creepy, and he never spoke. It was like he was empty.

What’d you say his name was again?

Never did.

A dusty rubbing noise as the fluid is forced out of a cheekbone.

Leviticus Croker. He died when he fell from a low salt cliff into the sea or something. Can’t remember.

****. I’m sorry.

Don’t be. I hated him.

A lump of pressed asphalt sends a clouded multitude of motes spinning and passes screaming through the glass pane of the sunwards window. A chuckle.

That was a year ago. They had to blame somebody.

Oh. Right.

An eyelid raised in revelation traps a mote against the skin stretched taut across a young skull.

Right. ****.

It’s kind of funny how you can go from walking around with nothing but lint in you pocket and being totally stoked, to walking around with a pocket full of keys and being totally bummed.
It starts out simply and seductively. I’ll just get this car so I can snowboard more. Wrong. Anything that let’s you snowboard more is a scam. It won’t let you snowboard more because you ride every day and a car can’t add days to the week.
“I’ll just get this little night job so I can buy gas,” you hear yourself saying. There’s another key. Then your job starts making you miss sleep, so you can’t snowboard as hard or as long as you used to. And you need stuff to wear to work. You need a place to change and store your stuff. Now you have an address, that’s another key. Soon you have to get a day job because you’re not making enough money at night. The keys start adding up.
Now that you have a job, girls know you’re not a total loss and you end up with a girlfriend. She wants you to hang with her once in a while instead of going boarding all the time. First, she gives you the key to her heart, and then the key to her apartment. That’s two more. You can’t give her the key to your heart because snowboarding put a combination lock on it and only your snowboard knows the number.
Now you have a bunch of keys in your pocket. They’re high-maintenance items. You have to take care of them. They’re weighing you down. Snowboarding is slowly slipping away, and you don’t even notice.
One day, cruising to your full-time office job that you had to get a few years back to make payments on all your keys, you drive past a guy on the corner with his thumb out and a snowboard under his arm. While speeding by you start thinking about the guy you just passed. He looked like you used to—snowboard and nothing else. As you pull into the parking lot at work, you can’t get the hitchhiker out of your head. Your mind keeps wandering back. Pulling all the keys out of you pocket and jingling them, you think about what you really want from life.
Running back to your car, you reverse out of the parking lot and squeal a Rockford in the middle of the four-lane highway. You’ve got to get away from your keys. You begin throwing them out the window as you blow down the highway. First to go is the key to the door at work. Then you backhand your girlfriend’s apartment key out the passenger window. Flick, there goes the key to the storage unit, then the key to her car. Flick, flick, flick. You feel better each time a key flies out the window and goes bouncing down the pavement at 100 mph. You don’t even slow down for the tollbooth, paying instead with the tossed key to your office and the executive washroom.
You only have two keys left. You unlock your house, run in, grab your snowboard, and dash out of the house. You leave the key to your house sitting in the lock to the front door. Whoever finds the house open can take it, and all your stuff. You don’t need it anymore. You jump back into the car and start burning rubber through all four gears back to the highway where you saw the hitcher.
He’s still there. You slam on the brakes. When he opens the car door, you look into his eyes. It’s you. It’s the life you left behind when you sold out.

I am from worn out measuring cups where the numbers no longer show,
From years of guessed quantities and over sugared cakes.
I am from cracked blue paint,
And the mantra “we’ll get a new coat next year.”
I am from the cow peas, crop circling, and honeysuckle vines ornamented with butterflies.
I am from Grandpa’s tobacco yellowed hands, Grandma Doll’s old wives tales,
From “eat your bread crusts and your hair will curl,”
And from “your face just might stick like that.”
I am from morning walks and the sylvan veil of moss,
From meandering trails and the drip of rain on leaves.
I am from Otter Pops, and bright blue tongues.
I am from cassette tapes, now left in the back of the closet to grow antique.
And VCRs,
From Monsters Inc. and Totoro.
And I am from the worn bindings of The Phantom Tollbooth and The Velveteen Rabbit.
I am from the meadow,
From searching for fairies, and sometimes even finding them.
And from the whispered promise “I’ll dream of you and you’ll dream of me…”
I am from the babbling gurgling creek, from the itch of nettles and the deep earthy scent of loam.
I am from the cat in Alice in Wonderland,
From Jacob and Leah’s wronged daughter.
I am from the Xanadu, the Akela, and the Dynamite,
From the crack of sails and the swing of the boom.
I am from placid seas and the rushing tumult of rain,
From heavy grey skies and flaming sunsets painted in watercolor across the Olympics.
I am from the pink syringe and the old blind dog’s last breath,
And I am from the hole where we laid her.
I am from the evergreen planted in the frozen ground to the sounds of my first cry,
That tree whose limbs witnessed my first breath, whose lofty trunk now stands as a testament, a marker, of where I am from.

mail gets delivered everyday

do you ever expect a letter from me asking you to meet me halfway?

packages getting delivered under the windowsill

accidentally spilling coffee on the water bill

I have my book of stamps and personalized stationary too

just give me a pen and tell me what address am I sending this letter to?

pictures and videos

your recorded laugh echoes

seeing these old photos of you in your youth

feels like waiting in line at a tollbooth

visiting the past comes at a price

it costs a pretty penny and tends to be unwise

these pictures and letters will never make it to your mailbox

just like when you see me you'll always move over to the other side of the sidewalk

finding these captured moments of the past

makes me want to climb in my car and drive fast

you seemed happy then and even happier now

it doesn't seem like I've brought you too down

eight years ago today you gave me ten digits to dial

I thought our six hundred and thirty six days spent together was beautiful like mosaic tile

you were the first, that I cannot change

but even if I could, there's nothing I would rearrange

you still move me in ways i cannot explain

even after all these years there are so many feelings that still remain

some bad and some good

just wondering

do you still wear the sweatshirt I got you,

the one with the hood?

I'm sure I am forgotten about

everything about me in your mind, completely wiped out

which is fine

just at least have a glimmer of when your heart was mine

mail coming on the seventh day is a nice concept

except

no matter where you are, wherever the trees sway

the mail never comes on Sunday

I am from my father’s warm cooking,
From my mom and grandma’s baking.
I am from the soggy, overdone noodles, that, though disgusting,
I was proud of because I made them myself.

I am from lemonade stands with my sister,
Keeping careful watch to see that she didn’t run into the street.
I am from drinking most of our product that we were supposed to be selling,
And making my mother pay twenty-five cents to do the same.

I am from lights on my face as I slipped into the life of another person,
proudly singing a song.
I am from “break a leg,” and “you can do it.”
I am from dancing badly and the music that compelled me to do so.

I am from Emergency Room trips,
From falling and stumbling and crashing into things.
I am from the bonfires at the camp I hated
(sparkly, mesmerizing, didn’t feel as nice as it looked)

I am from Ernie and Bert’s pointless arguments,
From my old fears of
Cookie Monster,
and crying when he came on the television.

I am from June and Mortimer’s branch.
From the crazy heritage from my dad,
and the Native American woman and the English man
who are my great-great-great-great grandparents.





I am from the chemotherapy and radiation that
didn’t work,
and crying when I heard that the boy
I had never met had died.

I am from Milo and the Phantom Tollbooth,
From the adventures that I enjoyed with Harry, Hermione, and Ron.
I am from the books that I read at a very young age
that made me love the letters on the pages.

I have boxes, filled with memories.
A birth certificate,
shoes that barely fit two of my fingers.

I am from the stories that were told,
and the unwritten tales
yet to come

Traces of tiredness excavate deep into his skin,
Daily, as I enter with a volatile smile, weekly,
In search of my dose of earthly blood, pretending
I am blind to my perception, neglecting my intuition.

Assumptions lead to consider he’s always had one
Too many, and perhaps something more, should I guess
An alkaloid passing off as his friend, allowing him to keep
Going, beyond his natural forces and strength.

He’s ageing prematurely, worries and silver curls
For taxes and suppliers, a runny nose and a bloated belly,
Four years of activity, complots and conspiracy,
Courting customers who vary, trading loyalty for markdowns.

Experience acquired by the day, market research,
Watching the big shots being relieved, treating debts
By way of mathematical games as he pays
For each and every one of his mistakes.

His little dog assumes his likes, long grey hair
Covering his eyes, not to see, the infamy.
For that particular *** you can only ask Velier,
He sets the price, no bargains, no payables, barely any gain.

On the black market however, other stories are told.
Creative Naples, its entrepreneurs and financial guards
Guide you from depots to highways exchanging farewells
At the tollbooth. Your risk, your gloom, your despair.

The *** in his car boot costs less but is the same,
Same brand, same bottle, same taste, had to pass through Velier.
Nervous as a reluctant crook, his required foxiness impedes
Timid tears from rolling down his cheeks and give in.

As he questions the rules of the illegitimate system,
Cursing those deprived of scruples, dwelling
With notions of honesty and integrity, he too compelled
To evasion to merely survive,

His conclusion resolves in a simple explanation,
“If you are willing to give up morals, honour and passion
You can too attempt to succeed
In the wine bar industry.”

8:56 PM

Seein' faces which no longer exist,
an eerie army of them,
how have I known such death
and yet still draw breath
mayhap a few were my fault,
forever haunted shall I be
especially as none of them deserved it
and i'm still livin laughin dancing free
it's kinda hurtin in here
tho it's basically just whinin
btw, where's my ******* beer
or at least a bottle or three of whine
my mind only sits still if forced to
and that requires more than you
will ever Noe how to do
it's dancin dangerous circle cycles at the moment
not the bestest ever tour for this version of clint
visions videos vicious internal angst bleeding my psyche
introversion reversion is ******'ing me
this soup bowl hath been poisoned
and i ain't prepared for such pain
at last i'll have always have my marbles of blue
and my die which with Bob will always crush you :)
which kiss do you most miss
cuz I heave several on that list
some of whom I've never even tasted
but "maybe someday" is imagination unwasted
reset myself so many times
when is it too many times?
precious little keeping me here
and I'm not much in touch with fear
the **** it ******* Clint
is ******* his inner Clinton
*** on
let's blow this scene
...money shot...
….and...out...


10:31 PM

which noose can you not cut loose
what's the soul scar you can't uncarve
or are you like me...
no fav among the many
I don't like space shuttles
but I do love muggles
well, a few of them
a few more on a whim
are your dreams too often screams
do you shout racial epithets at yourself
are you an ex genius boy
or a gorgeous-brain girl
who's tired of this toy we call our world
I hate saying I hate
but I hate all kinda ****
I used to Love to Love
but i just don't be feelin it
my blue rose hath decayed
its romantic spirit been betrayed
somewhere sometime my luck
said it doesn't even wanna ****
so fornicate yourself world
this boy beyond bent at bein whirled
I AM the best ME this boy ever been
but I'm just still just a Clint to my Clinton
c'mon man, I get it
hahahaha
but can't you quit
you win, i'm blah
this joke is older than I am
yet you insist on the retell
what else do you want from me
do you think I haven't visited my home in hell
when I am Positive Patient Polite people are joyful in their interactions with me...the potential to be a genuinely impactful presence in a meaningful moment of their life which they will remember and subsequently relive with me, pulling me into their experience as one of the cruxes, is the reason I actually have smile wrinkles from work even tho much of it is soul draining torture...not triple P at the moment....
how many dead people do you Noe???
many of you more than I certainly.
did it begin early?
does it continue late?
I don't want to be Dead
but it is seriously a freakish occurrence that I'm not
the statistics don't support it
better purer truer souls have seen their bodies left to rot
I knew my brain was insane at 5 yrs old
when the people studying me
told me my Intelligence Quotient was BOOM
and I said I Noe
but I can't respect your opinion
cuz this is a junior college room
so *******, yo
(plus my sister siblings were all so off the chart genius that I had to read at least a book a day from Kindergarden until HS, when I read a book a day cuz I wanted to F U, just to keep up with my understanding of the world beyond our block...if you have never read The Phantom Tollbooth, you really should, and you should do so with your kids...and if they're not old enough for Harry Potter or Tolkien, then read to/with them the Ursula K. Le Guin Earthsea Trilogy)
ouch
there's not a band aid for me
ahhh ****
I thought I was beyond thee
what was once my smile
is now a grisly grin
a snarky sneer
anything to contain the pain.
I'm sorry if you're sad
it might not be that bad
I can be the bestest silliness you've ever sampled
just hold my bald head as your button gets tongue trampled
and, ummm, yeah.....


11:30 PM

can you shake it??
the voice which quakes you?
who was your 1st?
not your 1st ****
not even your 1st kiss
simply the 1st set of eyes
blue, brown, green, heterochromatic (ooooohh Aly)
or the 1st smile, lips
the 1st voice, laugh
the 1st statement from a mind
a spirit in kind
which drew you into within
made that one the again and again and again
Did you ever Breakfast at her Tiffany's??
and if not is it still a favorite fantasy??
shhhhhh,
do you feel that???
that's a kiln absolutely killn it,
the dolls all Princess Wavin at their Kat
I can't get away with such silly sentimentality,
she'd most likely just make me smack me
you can't ME OW the Kat
unless you put it in a Tat :)
Does it still matter?
Is it still the solo
on your soul guitar?
Or is it merely whatever
couldn't give less of a ****
but wish them the best of luck
Maybe she was the entire worth of your world
I've been there once or thrice or more
In which case you can still hear her whisper
and your heart hates you for not winning her
Now without her, again, whoever whatever
drifting falling, alone again, whatever wherever
and....midnight don't mess around
time to get some sleep...hopefully super sound