"nonni" poems
*i remember january 2, 2015 like it was yesterday.
i remember waking up at 9:14 am with my cousin.
i remember my brother coming in my room to tell us my nonni was dead.
i remember yelling at him, like it was his fault or something.
i remember being angry.
i remember not knowing when i'd smile again.
i remember not being able to breathe.
i remember my mom coming home for the first time in five days.
i remember going through photos for the funeral.
i remember pulling out the black dress she always loved on me.
i remember three days later, seeing my nonni, so still, still beautiful.
i remember my friends and family hugging me.
i remember being numb.
i remember crying so much, i couldn't even read the eulogy i wrote.
i remember my uncle singing "you raise me up" for her.
i remember january 6th, her funeral.
i remember slipping that black dress on.
i remember being there.
i remember people talking.
i remember a priest.
i remember maria squeezing my arm.
i remember paula reading a Bible verse.
i remember my mom holding me as my body shook.
i remember wailing as everyone took communion.
i remember not being able to stand.
i remember my friends and family trying to hug me.
i remember them carrying her out.
i remember taking a rose off her casket.
i remember holding that rose so tight, that the thorns cut my skin.
i remember remembering everything my nonni ever did or said.
i remember not thinking i'd ever get through this.
i remember screaming.
i remember trying to hide the pain.
i remember being broken.
i remember not being able to breathe.
i remember hurting.
i remember everything.
i remember her.*
Jan 27, 2017
Jan 27, 2017 at 1:19 PM UTC
So this, readers and friends
Is where it began
I don't know where it ends
But let's look back again
A fourteen year old is writing
In a hospital room
Far her right in bright lighting
Is great-grandma, who'll die soon
She has few memories of her
As she wonders about home
Nonni keeps asking mother
Not to leave the girls alone
Now we're back in the hospital
On some Pennsylvanian hill
Thirty five family members in total
Nonni's more than ill
Christmas day, and we're at a friend's house
When we hear that final call
A week later, I'm at a funeral, sounding like a mouse
For someone I nearly didn't know at all
Looking back, that was the start
Of most of my questions
On society, religion, art
What the rules really ment
I found a taste for the books
That mom didn't like
I expanded my looks
Gained interest in the night
I started growing apart
From those I once knew
With secrets in my heart
My friends were my closest few
I learned more about a family
That I once thought typical
And (mostly) solved my belifs
On the meaning of "it all"
I look back on the before
As though regarding a cat
It's cute innocence I adore
I find it hard to believe I was that
I still have that Christmas blanket
A snow leopard, her last gift
For a woman I saw maybe four or five times, it
Still has a nice warmth to it
So sometimes I dream of a mint hospital wall
And think back to the start of it all
Mar 30, 2017
Mar 30, 2017 at 6:46 PM UTC
it's about the time of year
that i get sad again
it's about the time of year
that i found out you were dying,
i didn't know if you'd be here at christmas
it's about the time of year
where you started slurring words
and forgetting things too,
but you bought me those boots for christmas
and told me about them a month early
you were so happy about them
it's about the time of year
where i can't breathe
i don't know if it's because of asthma
or if i'm imagining
how it felt to breathe like that
it's about the time of year
where i'd imagine i was on a boat
in the middle of a faraway lake in the UP
i'm a child again and she's much younger too
she's not sick, she's not dying
it's about the time of year
where cancer took my nonni's brain
and made her forget who she was
and how to do things
it's about the time of year
where i cried myself to sleep every night
and prayed to God,
that he'd take anyone but her, take me instead
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 7:00 PM UTC
I remember Nonni's hospital room
I remember nights staring at the moon
I remember the smell of pie
I remember leaving junior high
I remember sailing in a storm
I remember rolling backpacks as a norm
I remember airports and planes
I remember speaking with wax vampire fangs
I remember all of the rain
I remember some of my pain
I remember what I can
I hope I remember who I am
Jun 23, 2016
Jun 23, 2016 at 9:36 PM UTC