Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Willow Branche Mar 2014
EDNOS is:
 confusion.

-starving for days,
 then bingeing every day for a week.

-puking until you see blood, 
because you failed yet again.

-starving again, 
because you’re too fat to function.

-puking some more,
 because you’re not strong enough.
EDNOS is: 
manic.

-running for hours,
 because running makes you thin.

-exercising in the early morning,
because every minute counts.

-constantly fidgeting, 
because moving burns calories.

-counting calories like a pro,
 because everything has to be exact.

-organizing everything,
 because it calms you down.
EDNOS is:
 horrible.

-pulling your head out of the toilet,
with tears running down your face and puke all over.

-fake smiling at everyone,
 because no one would believe you if you were honest.

-your mind spinning 100miles/hour,
 because demons control your thoughts.

-comparing yourself to everyone you see,
 because you’re too fat to be a part of society.

-wanting to die every second, 
because you’re not perfect.
EDNOS is:
 me.
Found this on tumblr and had to repost it.
wren cole May 2016
I am trapped inside myself
Inside this flesh and bone
This vessel
Used to be numbered 5
When it was sick
Now 18
I want to leave this cage
Find a new one
Feel beautifully hollow again
Sick or not
I don't care
Sick is better than this
wren cole May 2016
I cannot wax poetic
About the feelings on this flesh
I have no pretty way of wording
The destruction I desire
There's no beautiful way to say
I want to cave in
Until I am barely here
Until I am bone
Gracie Anne Oct 2021
Yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror
And although I tried to take the advice given to me by my therapist
I was unable to find a single thing I might even just tolerate about myself.
Instead, my mind and heart raced each other, trying to see who would win the prize of defeating me
as I scan my naked body for each and every inconsistency and insufficiency.

You see my first memory of self hatred comes from a place most people could not predict.
Imagine me at six years old standing in the shower, so proud of myself
For finally graduating from the bathtub I had associated with childhood.
I had just finished reading “Falling Up” by Shel Silverstein.
And out of the more than 400 poems by this poet one stuck to my brain
Like peanut butter on the roof of my mouth after eating a PB&J.

Now if you’ll forgive me for getting off track for just this moment
I’d like to read you this poem entitled “Scale.”

“If I could only see the scale,
I’m sure that it would state
That I’ve lost ounces...maybe pounds
Or even tons of weight.
‘You’d better eat some pancakes-
You’re skinny as a rail.’
I’m sure that’s what the scale would say…
If only I could see the scale.”

If you’ve ever read a poem by Shel Silverstein you’d know that each of them
Are accompanied by an illustration.
This particular poem is positioned next to a drawing of a person standing on a scale
Unable to see the number because their stomach juts out just far enough
To block their view of the information that scale is providing.
I remember looking down at my naked body
Only to realize that i also could not see my feet.
My childish, growing, prepubescent tummy obstructed my view of my toes.
And I remember thinking for the first time, “Wow, I am fat.”
And that same feeling has followed me throughout these subsequent years.
Throughout elementary, middle, high school and beyond.
My dysmorphic perspective has been a shadow of which I could not shake.
And try as I might, deep down I knew that this was my fate.

I started restricting what I ate starting in 6th grade.
-I counted calories lost and gained and measured my size by the tightness of a tank top.
I watched videos of people like Eugenia Cooney,
and inspired myself through the photos I saw of
Emaciated girls kept alive by feeding tubes.
I was 12.
-I was diagnosed with Ee Dee En Oh Ess in the summer of seventh grade.
EDNOS is a catch-all eating disorder characterized by the characteristics you lacked
To be able to gain the coveted name brand DSM-5 diagnosis of anorexia.
-This I considered to be my failure.
To not qualify because of a lack of being underweight was all I needed for motivation.
So I doubled down on my efforts to lose weight and by the age of fourteen
I had finally achieved that which I so...craved.
I was the best. The skinniest. The one people whispered about in the halls and I had all the attention I could ever dream of getting.
And I was happy.
Wasn’t I?

Skip ahead to now and you will know my comeback story.
Seven years of weekly therapy, numerous psych ward stays, and one near-death experience
I can finally say that I am at a stable and healthy weight.
I continue to despise my body, but now I have the tools and mechanisms to be able to fight off the demon I had nicknamed “Ana”.
-And while I still cannot say that I truly love myself the way I am,
Slowly and steadily I continue to improve.
And I hope that one day I can look into that mirror, take in all my flaws and still be able to tell little 6 year old Grace…
“Sweet girl, you will be okay”.
Lydeen Dec 2019
Curves melting away
Numbers dropping
An obsessive measurement of worth

One food at a time
Or
Consider mixing it all together

Counting bites
Counting grains, kernels, seeds
Counting times chewed

26 waist
32 hip
5 wrist

11 neck
7 forearm
30 ribcage

17.8 bmi
16.3 body fat
98 lbs

Obsessively memorizing
Remeasuring
Plugging in numbers

Worrying if you look sick
Collar bones too defined
Hip bones jutting out just too much

Getting scared
Binging
Purging

Feeling deliciously empty
Thinking clearly
Everything fuzzy at the edge

It ain't a ******* joke
Tamurray Sep 2014
There comes a time that you hit rock bottom
You don't have all the worries but it feels like you got em
You cry and you claw and you climb and you shout
But you know without question there's no way out
It's so dark you wave your hand in front of your face
Still all you see is a black empty space
And the marks on your features like wrinkles in the past
Hold tight to the pain that you thought wouldn't last
But here you are today in the darkness
Alone
Wondering where you went wrong...why you're not skin and bone
Struggles
Monica ana Nov 2018
Dear EDNOS,
Make up your mind,
Are you an eating disorder?
Or are you perfectly fine?
:)
Maya Grace Jan 2014
I hate you
But I need you

You break me
Yet I pursue you

You burrow deep into
My soul
Weeding
Weeding out all
My inner fears
And presenting
Them  to me proudly
Ev
er
Y
Day

I fear your power
Yet long your presence

You claw your way into
My guts
I purge you out
So many time
Yet every time
You remain within me

I pray for freedom
Yet hold the key
Scared you'll leave
Scared you'll stay

I need draining
Detoxing
Filtering
Burning
To rid your presence from
My time ...

What scares me most
Is how you grow
And pass among
The lonely souls

I long for a day
Where you are no more
A fleeting nightmare
A sickening joke

You've taken friends
Of many sorts
Never fussy
For your curse

Bulimia. Anorexia. EDNOS. Binge Eating

So many masks you own
I pray a day
when mine
Is
Thrown .....


!Eating Disorders need bombing!
Red Starr Apr 2013
BPNOS
EDNOS
PTSD
MDD
OCD
I am each
And
All of these
Cursed
But
Blessed
They
Make
Me,
Me
Scared to put this out there, but hoping it helps others somehow.
Willow Branche Mar 2014
We are who we are, because of what they are.
The need to be perfect. The need to be thin, skinny, beautiful and popular. The need to be in control. Self-destruction our only friend. Anorexia, bulimia, and ednos, our sicknesses. Self harm - the only way we know how to control our pain. Suicide... The the only way we see as a means to escape. ****, molestation and abuse filled our sick childhoods and now we all pay the price for it. We pay with the blood from our veins, the ***** from our stomach's, the tears from our eyes... We pay for their crimes until we are empty and can not give any more.
We are what we are, because of what they are. And we scream out for help. We cry for forgiveness. We do anything we can to beg for mercy and yet, no one answers. So we cut, and we starve, and we purge until we have withered away to nothing but scarred up bones. Just empty shells of the kids we used to be... And still they don't notice. So we try to **** the pain inside... Over dose. Hanging. Gunshot. Slit wrists.
And then... they notice... But for us, it's already too late. They made us who we are. Whether or not we succeeded, we are already dead inside.
michele shulman Apr 2014
I thought I could purge all the flowers and metaphors trapped inside my rib cage with stems tickling  my esophagus.

Blooming on the tip of my tongue, teeth locked them in but finger allowed escape.  
Hand prying its way through my mouth, I wished to pull out my intestines and allow the stitches holding me together unravel.

Beauty doesn't thrive in an abandoned building so I let them free, no sense carrying casualties in a house destined to burn.

I remember the first time I prayed to the porcelain throne, begging for salvation.
A feeling manifested in my stomach and infected each vein, it swam through bone marrow leaving behind a trail of decay.
My framework was rotting and mind consumed, knees fell to the ground and I prayed for forgiveness, acceptance and peace.

Every time I vomited I felt one step closer to heaven, as if entrance to the gate had weight restrictions.
You stepped on a scale before they sewed on your wings, for all angels have to be pristine and my soul carried the weight of an eternity of mistakes.

I was a coward hiding behind a romanticized disorder to avoid reality.
The light has grown within, it keeps my food safely in my stomach lining and let's my words out,
A lesson I've been unable to face for years.

I remember the day I was diagnosed with EDNOS.
Eating disorder not otherwise specified.

I wanted to punch the specialist in the face with my emaciated knuckles for degrading the massacre I instilled on my body.
Not bulimia. Not anorexia. Not specified.

She tied me to a label that said the years I dedicated to restrictions and malnutrition and stomach acid dissolving the very foundation of my teeth meant nothing.
**** your dsm 5th edition and the ****** waiting room keurig green tea with low calorie sweetener you provided for each session.

I found a reason to live within myself.
Kathy Dehaven Feb 2015
Depression- Deb
Suicidal- Sue
Anorexia- Ana
Bulimia- Mia
Self- Harm- Cat
Schizophrenia- Sophie
Bipolar-Bri
ADD/ ADHD- Addie
Ednos- Ellie
OCD- Olive
Borderline- Bella
Paranoia- Perry
Insomnia- Izzy
Maybe, Just maybe our worst nightmares are real.
Viv Mar 2018
I wish they would’ve told me about EDNOS
Eating disorder not otherwise specified
That just because I don’t throw up or starve myself extremely
Doesn’t mean that I’m fine

But they didn’t tell me
So my EDNOS I kept to myself
I thought that it was just me
That I didn’t need help

I wish they would’ve told me about real depression
That it’s not always sudden
It can creep up on you
That it’s not always so obvious

But they didn’t tell me
So my depression I hid
I thought that if no one noticed, then it didn’t exist
That I didn’t need help

I wish they would’ve told me about real self harm
That it’s not just cutting
Self harm is hurting yourself
And it isn’t always ******

But they didn’t tell me
So I told myself that it wasn’t self harm
That biting bruises in my arms was ok
Scratching myself to cope wasn’t really self harm

I wish they would’ve told me about anxiety
That it’s unexplainable to anyone
How one minute your fine and the next
You feel like you’re dying

But they didn’t tell me
So my anxiety I dismissed
My fears weren’t explainable
When I couldn’t breathe, I was fine

I wish that they told me that it was about me
How I felt
How no one could invalidate my issues
Even if I didn’t fit the definitions perfectly

But they didn’t tell me
So when my mom said I was PMSing
Myself I started second guessing
Maybe how I felt was normal

Above all I wish they would’ve told me to tell someone
That handling my health by myself is hard
Too big a burden to handle on my own
You can’t use your mind to fix what’s inside your mind

But they didn’t tell me
So I struggle alone with my depression and anxiety
I suffer in silence with the evidence of my self harm and EDNOS
And soon they won’t be able to tell me anything anymore
Jane Doe Jun 2014
Maybe if I write about it, it’ll go away.
Maybe if I spill my guts to a room of strangers I will no longer feel the danger
Maybe, just perhaps. If I **** in my stomach for long enough, it will leave me alone.
If you put a frog in boiling water they will jump out, if you put a girl in a corset she will shout that it’s too small! It won’t hold all of me and why would I want it to?
You see, cooking girls is a lot like cooking frogs, you’ve got to promise them cold water on a hot day, and you’ve got to promise that you’ll accept them even if they’re gay. If their legs are hairy, if their thighs are knee deep in celluloid you’ve got to insist that you can sit with them at the dinner table and while you’re slowly cranking up the hot water dial, you’ve got to let them believe that they’re not on trial, and when the water gets warmer so slowly that they can’t feel it until it’s too late.
You’ve got to create an atmosphere for deceit so when you hand them the revolver, it’s because they were the first ones to reach.
It’ll start with her friends, they’ll make comments about her plate size, or they’ll joke that they themselves have an “eating disorder” Only that they’ll, eat dis-order and dis-order and she’ll laugh and choke down another serving, while trying to order the thoughts in her mind, trying to find a way to respond to the obvious oddities of her social standings and trying not to be standing too close to the bomb when it drops, and when it goes off she’ll offer her baby fat as a portion of the poison that put her in this position in the first place.
So yeah, maybe if I write about it it’ll go away, maybe if I open my lungs like she opens her throat and purge the thoughts I’ve got squished into size two jeans that seem like they fit, I’ve got a bit of a chance that I can stand against the enemy. Which in the end is me, mind you, my mind fighting against the trails that I’ve hidden behind, maybe my self-esteem is lower than they would have it seem, and maybe I make the mistake of seeming like I’ve got it together when in reality I’m just living in the shadows of rehabilitation and I’ve been debating with the part of me which is still holding the revolver, that maybe I’m not over it and there’s a good chance I’ll never be, which might be okay but could also cost me my life.
Who knows though, maybe if I write about it, it’ll go away, maybe if I tell people what I’m going through it’ll be harder to relapse maybe I can just collapse on the notion that I’m notoriously negative and critically cynical about myself which means I deserve to skip desert, maybe it’s called EDNOS because my eating disorder knows which buttons to push when, and which messages to send, like you look like a whale when you sit down, your thighs don’t touch the hold onto each other in desperation, the amount you put into your stomach can feed a small nation, maybe if you write about it it’ll go away? Do you think dispelling words onto a blank is the only personification I crave? Do you think I’m small enough to be crushed? Can’t you see that I can’t be killed?
All I know is that I can’t keep this inside, I can’t hide from the demons in my mind anymore, I’ve let them fester there too long, I’ve got layers of lies making for a disguise with too many holes to hold anything but *******, I’ve got to let some of it out, I can’t keep living like this, I can’t keep lying to myself, I have to put this part of my life on the self. I don’t know if this will help. I just know I need to let it out.

— The End —