butterflies
are flitting about my stomach
and down my veins
through my limbs to reach
my very fingertips and
urge me to pass them along –
maybe if you feel the same
our touch will send
sparks flying
and our lips colliding
and then everything will make sense.

i had forgotten what it feels like
to be wary of my posture
and my under-eye circles;
i hope you do not look upon them
and see the sleepless nights
of my past –
because since i have met you
i have never slept so well.

this anxiety all the time
is condensation falling from the glass
to the table
and fogging up the outside
so no one can see in.

my lips have only been stained
by recent 3 a.m. coffee breaks
and constant biting
my cheek and my tongue –
breathing has never felt so
difficultly easy
than it has
around you.

bold-w.l.w
7/13/14*bold

I'm tired of dreaming of dreams that don’t come true. I am tired of people who lie especially, the one’s who say they don’t.

I'm sick, and tired that I can't stop these tears that I cry.

I wish the pain, and the suffering would go away. Don’t they see me, Faking the laugher when I feel some kind of emptiness. They like to play this stupid ugly game When, I feel my life is all a mess.

I want to be alone.......... When life..... My life, has so much more then difficultly, when I am this way..... I'm tired of the feeling I cant trust others, and myself can’t be trusted as well.

I'm really tired.......

I'm tired of not seeing a brand new day

Thoughts are ******
They Overcome me
Petty me
Destroy me
Fear arises
Now Short Breathing
Anxiety
It has its Variety  
I create something
Then destroy it
Ego
Please know
All I want
Is Peace
Please release
This grip you have on me
Thinking
Overwhelms me
Socially  
The Difficultly  
I feel
Out of my mind
I'm crazy
And that's just fine.

Don't try to lie to yourself.
Or others.
You always knew the truth
Was only a half white.

The rest was dark magic.

It's the reason some of us
Can rise so difficultly to the top.
While we watch the others burn.
Without so much as a wave goodbye.

It's why talk is cheap.
And everything else costs you dearly.

Oh yes, it is a pretty,
And supposed rarity among most.

Just remember,
When you bring your wordless face
To the final count,
To make sure that you, yourself

Didn't get gypped.

(there is always this moment)


quietly . littlely

    soft within

bed and thinking
of lips eyes hair
breathing
still and strenuously

pressed beneath breast         .


the heart feels
and pushes against
rib and spine;

(a fan plays
        /
the cat eats)

and lingers little sleep,
for thought is always
and always of thoughts

there is something
somewhere
difficultly serene

improbable to touch
yet touches with
exacting grace;

My dear:

       My love
           of nothing
                Little which


you are
not real
your hand is a vapor

of tense reeling to tingle
under skin which rushes
with clovered spice
of splintered health.

(my love i have always loved you
that you are not something real;

Hey you.

I’ve been pondering whether or not I should do this..
Seeing as our shared duration of interest with one another was so short.
Well,
On your end atleast.
However,
For myself,
And my own contentions,
I wished it had continued; so I will write one last time as a means to find some clarity in my delusions over you.

I.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for you.
That I would ignore the underlying feelings
that had been created the moment we met.
To this day, I share mixed feelings regarding us.
If there ever was an ‘us’.
Sometimes I talk to myself, convincing the inner mind that I should’ve tried harder with you, fought tooth and nail for you.
Yet,
Near our end,
I knew this wouldn’t fit your agenda.
You desired something else.
Something I completely disregard via my own experiences.
Once perhaps,
But now,
I seek the opposite.
A friend,
but more.
It’s always more with this body.
It cannot be satisfied by means that I am aware of.
But you.
For a moment,
which I’m sure you’ll doubt,
I was vividly content with my life whenever I was by your side.
For the first time in six years I felt what I had felt back then.
You broke rusted chains of bitter emotion that had restrained me,
that kept me in the dark and isolated me from my own positive emotions.
It’s been over a month now.
I feel immense pain over you,
Yet somehow it’s bearable this time.
I feel pain, and I feel nothing.
Two sides of my own coin that will remain separated,
And never to be conjoined.
Will I ever be able to better understand what I seek,
Or who I am?
Why must I be different from the others?
These questions remain foggy.
Nevertheless,
These sentences are not intended to make you feel guilty nor remorseful in any way.
I just needed to write I guess.
And how could I blame you?
You saved yourself a great deal of pain and difficultly fleeing whilst you had a chance.
Perhaps you never cared for me..
Or maybe you did.
I’ll never truly know,
and that’s what most saddening about our experience together.

Perhaps I am still paying off the debt of karma that was acquired from the first heart I broke.

II.
Whatever fate decides.
I will always miss you, beloved

How the **** are we suppose to walk away?

Difficultly
Suffering
Heartbroken
Devastated
Terrified
Clueless

To what will be
What will come

But on the other side
Of all that fear
And unknown

Is freedom as light as a feather

There you may lift yourself up and carry on like ,
“hey so this is what life is huh?”

7/16/2020

You sat down to think,
To find the perfect word,
A word that defined your worth,
But the only word that came was weak.

Physically, mentally, spiritually,
In selflessness, in love, in all.
Feeling short but looking tall,
But ease comes so difficultly.

Your life identifies as a struggle,
Disasters fill your memory.
Even light things aren’t feathery,
Things the strong lift with a chuckle.

Weak can’t be your descriptor,
There has to be a better one!
Walking from here to there – feeling done,
Waiting for your heart to feel a stir.

Could you say that you are bold,
When you run from discomfort?
Will your good be remembered,
Or will the bad prevail, becoming old?

If you don’t find a better identity soon,
You’ll fall down and never recover.
I’d only you hadn’t blown every buffer,
If only you hadn’t entered that room.

But God is your loving Father,
He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
He’s just waiting to fix your ills,
To give, and give again is no bother.

His love is the only comfort,
His grace covers your cancer,
His justice frees your anger,
His blessings are unnumbered.

He replaces your short-sighted desires,
His plans are a sure promise.
Accept him and turn from hardness,
Focus on Him, put on your blinders.

His blood flowed for you,
And his life covers yours.
His strife opened a door,
One with a joyful view.

You are a child of God, don’t forget.
Though you are truly weak,
God brings you to a new peak.
He loves you, and that’s not a threat.

God is a listening ear,
When all ears are closed,
God is the one who knows,
When others steer clear in fear.

Now, what defines you?

They'd been living together for two years now but he still had difficultly placing a name on their relationship. It was always complicated, born of a reckless impulse to do something dangerous and a more simple indulgence of curiosity. He couldn't help it, from the first glimpse across that cold lab, to that wink as he left the room, Sherlock fascinated the Hell out of him. He found himself focusing on the tiniest of things, the tone of his voice, the way the vowels and consonants clashed together, the way that the sullen silences and manic experiments blended into the fabric of the life that they lead.

People called them friends or flatmates, occasionally people would speculate if they were really lovers. The truth was that they were all as bewildered to the true extent of their relationship as he was.

Certainly, there was an elemant of truth in all of the assumptions. Technically, they were all of those things. In the quiet, 3AM born musings however, these words always felt inadequete, meaningless, compared to the feeling he got when he stared down at Sherlock, breathing softly and blissfully ignorant to the internal struggle of emotions, labels and expectations that he felt every night, woken up by some nagging doubt that clawed away at the fabric of his mind as he shared a bed with the man whose existance in his life was beyond explanation.