you took my hat off and wore it
it looked better on you
you took my shoelaces and
tied them around your wrists like bracelets
i wanted to hold your hands

you showed me your poem
something a little dark, but i liked it
and you always tell me what book you're reading
you tell me to watch your favorite animes
even though it's been years since i've watched anything at all
i watch them all as if they will show me the world through your eyes

i thought i was special but i learned you do that with everyone
you told me a list of her favorite anime characters from memory
you told everyone in ap government the books you were reading

my shoelaces weren't even the only ones you stole
i wish i could stop pretending i mean something to you

i wish i meant something to you

The most beautiful relationship of all
Is not romance
It is friendship
Because there are no rules
No layers or complexities
Just shared understanding
Which is unconditional in nature
When I think about friendship
I think particularly about you
Whom I've known for ten years
Mind you, I've known quite a few friends
For a longer period of time
However, none of them are as special
As you are, to me
Very humble and unassuming
And yet having an enthusiasm
That is hard to match
When it comes to your favourite topics
Such as gaming, movies, animes and Hindu mythology
You have an easygoing and amicable nature
That would appeal to most people
Which is why I'm surprised
That you don't have a lot of friends
But then, it is better to have a few friends
Who mean the world to you
And would do anything for you
Rather than a large group of friends
Who are only there to share your joys
And are unable to support you
When you need it the most
I follow this principle to the tee
In fact, we both are in the same boat
You have always stood by me
In my hour of need
In fact, you are more of a family member
Than a friend
And I am really glad
That your family sees me the same way as well
In fact, your mother was a very close friend
Of my late maternal grandmother
And it is no coincidence
That Patti came in your dream
Just before she left for her heavenly abode
Our friendship is indeed a beautiful relationship
One that will last
As long as we ourselves do
Just be the way you are
And have a little bit more faith in yourself
Most importantly, thank you for coming into my life
And staying with me
Through good and bad times
Because that's what friendship is all about

i miss you terribly
hope you are doing well
hope that all of us can get along again...
please?
just like the old times?
of hello kitties and heart-to-hearts
of lost wallets and failed driving tests
of dried chilli and unfolded clothes
of birthday cakes and animes

oh my brother
talk to us again... please?

i really wish
we could be siblings again

not strangers

March 17, 2018
Hello future me,
Hello.
   How are things over there? I hope you’re doing better than me now, but knowing me, things probably ****. I’m doing pretty bad myself.  Mom and Dad are coming home from Gulf Wars today, but they're not here yet. And Chawnessey is here, but she’s sleeping.
   I have some personal things to ask you, but you’re me, so I don’t feel very bad asking them. Do you still have visible scars on your shoulder? Do they ask about them at the doctor’s? Can you talk freely about them, like Claira could? Or maybe you’re still like me now. Maybe you just got another razor, or a knife, and you’ve added to my collection of scars. I don’t want to think that that's where you are now. But I don’t want to get my hopes up either. *sigh. Do you have dreams again? I used to have dreams. Now their just distant thoughts and lost hopes. Do you know what you are going to do with your life? Right now, I can’t see anything about my future, but I don’t think it will be very great. This is your first year of high school, right? Are you excited? I used to be excited about high school. There are so many animes that take place in high school. But I know I will never be like those girls, They are skinny, they have friends, and they are happy. Doesn’t sound like me, am I right? Are you happy? I am not. Do you like someone? I think I may, but it so hard to see through this mist around me, like I’m in a continuous daze.  Is your hair long? Have you dyed it? I think about that a lot. About how much I hate my hair now. Do you watch anime anymore, or did you stop because of the hellish teasing? I still do now. It can make me laugh, sometimes.  Or put me in a worse mood. Are you still friends with Connor, or Sorayda? Are they tall? Or maybe you have new friends. Maybe you are popular. Probably not, though. Do you still draw? Asking this honestly scares me. I used to love drawing and art so much. It was my passion. Do you go to the art high school? That would be so cool… But that didn’t happen, did it? *sigh. I don’t think that happened. In fact do you want to hear what I think you are doing now?
   You are probably reading this on a different computer, because this one is going to break someday. You are reading this and probably either crying or laughing, because you are probably still so **** over emotional. If you are crying, it is because you are either in a worse place now than when I wrote this (hard to imagine, I know) or you are thinking about how much of a complete and utter wreck you used to be. If you laughing, it is probably either because you are happy know (even harder to imagine, right) or because of the cynical way I am typing this up. I think you’re room is probably a lot similar to mine now, except more pictures and maybe more posters or cosplays. You don’t have many if any friends, do you? I bet you are like Tomoko from watamote. I bet you are all alone in the middle of the night, reading this by yourself. I bet you are still worthless. I bet you still starve, still cut. I bet you aren’t happier than I am now, if not worse off. You go to therapy, don’t you? I knew it. And you probably still don’t have any idea what your future will bring. You are still depressed. And you still want to die. But now everyone in the family knows it. I wonder how sean reacted when he heard? When he learned that he will always be the stronger one, the one better off. He will always be the more successful one. And you will be the one who had potential. Emphasis on had. Its past tense. Leanne will be prettier, happier, more popular than you in college. Savannah will be wondering what happened to you, or she will have forgotten if you were ever happy. Xavier will be so cheerful, and make you smile softly and sadly. Ellie (from moms friends group) will be more popular, happier than you. Sophie will always be worlds and universes better than you ever could have been. Sarah will still be one of your favorite family members, but even she will know you’re different. Imagine how sad Mom is, how disappointed Dad is. In you. I hate you, but not as much as I hate myself. Do you hate yourself?
But after all of this, I have to realize…
Maybe you are dead.
Sincerely,

Hollin Stewart, from 2018.

The years went by
And the letter presented itself
Among many a person
In the community
From law to the police
He or She was known as L
Exposure to the case would result in a mistrial
Case getting handed to the Kira case
Was known to have connections with Kira
Till now it's just how it is between them
Obsequious as L was to Kira as always
There were some battles that had to be won
And I guess it was an inferno of self-destruction
For the series of Death Note animes that
Presented the book to its real form
Thank god for the bars to academically write this letter.
My resignation till the very end.

Okay, let's start from the beginning and see what happens.
uh, I was born January 31st, 2000. That makes me an iGen or Gen Z.
What that has to do with who I am, I have no idea.
I've been told that my spirit animal is a Magpie.
It's unknown to me how that defines my personality
as I have never really let anyone enter into the threshold of my life,
for when I let them, they are there just to wipe their feet on my welcome mat and hurry off to someplace more important.

My list of hobbies include oversleeping, drinking more than eating, having philosophical existential conversations with the voices in my head, stargazing on the ground, and always reminding myself that I have overstayed my welcome. I love music when I cannot play an instrument, rewatching the same shows and animes because I know the endings and can skip to my favorite parts.

I love smoothies, blueberries, pomegranates, and black licorice. Like, a lot. I can't stand the existence of styrofoam, embarrassing comedy, and  country and rap music that has no meaning. I hate when media that portrays light of serious topics, the fact I will never fully believe in myself, and that bad things happen to the best of people, and I hate that I can't trust others.

I'm scared of four things: heights, medicine, myself -especially behind closed doors-, and being happy. I've learned not to be afraid of the unknown, because life without uncertainty, is also uncertain so why try to avoid it? Being afraid is wanting to travel the galaxy but never leaving your doorstep.

I'd say I’m a hopeless romantic that doesn't know how to be romantic. Moreover, I am waiting to fall in love. I am not exactly waiting to be in love as that comes with hardships, disagreements, breakups, the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, but that's just me being pessimistic, knowing that no one will want to love me in that way.  

I genuinely believe I will never find love as I fear happiness. I fear the other shoe dropping, the plot twist that comes with my series of unfortunate events, and I suppose that is why I ruin every  relationship I've been in. I sabotage every possibility by not saying enough, by lying about myself, taking actions too far and turning myself into my inner demons in order to avoid the pity and shame by being the scapegoat.

But I’m waiting for the fall, the moment I look into a girl's eyes and be completely vulnerable, knowing that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. To understand the secret of happiness on a park bench with Sean Maguire.

I suppose that's why I am terrified of heights, but still wish to go skydiving. Not for reasons most people do it. But for the Fate of it, to see the world from a distance and for that moment to relinquish all my inhibitions and just... live, per chance to be. That's why its called falling I suppose, because when you fall, everything you are thinking of vanishes and it is just that moment of falling with nothing you can do. To have the die cast. No scrambling for any purchase or refuge to save you. Or that's how I imagine it.

I'd say I'm a sucker for a girl with a cute smile, curly hair, and a laugh that makes me weak-kneed. I don't know what love is exactly but would love to give it a shot, to end up loving something more than myself, which with all things being, it’s not that much to begin with. I am oblivious to any kind of flirtation that doesn't have the specific words "I'm into you" in it, and I have no clue how to ask a girl out on a date because the girls I have crushes on don't even know I exist.

I'm an audiophile, meaning I like sounds, like a nice breeze though a grove, the roar of a waterfall and even silence, but I can't handle the sound of people. I'm a self-diagnosed sociopath because I've watched death walk away without shedding a tear. I am broken beyond fragments and avoid therapists with my life. I believe I will never find love because you first have to love yourself enough.

I am nobody's "person". I'm the student at the back of the class with the only time their name is spoken of is roll call. I get surprised by notifications, compliments, and the sound of my name telegraphing through the air. For this, I have trust issues, because hearing my name on the top of another's tongue is a symbol of necessity, a god-like power of convenience. And I know that if I disappeared tomorrow, very few to none would miss me as I explore into the unknown and I know I would then have more friends there than I do now.

I have the number 1-800-273-8255 imprinted on my hippocampus and the constant urge to explore sky at terminal velocity. I'm a botched suicide attempt wrapped in scars of doubt, insecurity and self hate, crippled from speaking by a nation who raised me by the terms equal to that of "grow a pair", "get over it", and "men don't cry"

I have a fear of being healthy from medicine, from the memory of a handful of pills, the euphoria to have all pain stripped away, the memory of being the ghost in just another machine, the definition of the words "Let Go." said by 7 demons canonized as opioids, being found by the man in black I met at the cross roads of rock bottom and a 17 story ledge asking where my father's hydrocodone went. And I, wanting to, with every tear stained fault lines, with every choked cry, with every false answer to the question "Are you okay?", to tell the truth rather than blaming my brother's drug addict friends needing their high.

I have a mentality fueled by spite and because of it, a versatile perspective. I know the moment I feel happy, the other shoe will drop. Just let me show you the collar choking my neck and the leash carried by hope, hanging me in a tree in front of a lynch mob of flowers bouquets and second dates. I never wish upon others of the things I've seen for they would lack the tolerance void of compassion and happenstance, to know how to try your best always, yet never be good enough in their own eyes.  

Hi. My name is Jon, not spelled with a H.
I love listening windows down to loud music, exploring odd thrift shops, laughing until my lungs hurt, and watching sunsets.
I don't talk about myself as much as I should and I don't like my own smile. I lie without knowing the truth and have light speed thoughts, but never enough courage to voice 'em.
I like being alone, but I don't like being lonely.
I believe that there is a God out there and I know he/she/they/it is rooting for me because nobody is going to live my life for me, so I might as well live it for myself.