And then she asked
with a profound curiosity
something so unraveling
if i ever wanted to get better
i mean
if i truly wanted to get out
of this hell i became
to myself
and others
she asked with a disguised will to
pull me back up
from the black hole i'm in
but i was and i am
so buried
deep into this hole
that all i could do
was say "yes"
and i know,
and god knows
and everyone knows
that in that very moment
i told the biggest lie
i could ever tell anyone.

I want to remember
what it feels like
to see my bones
reaching the sky
while i'm stuck in
this rotten pit bottom.

Where to run
when the only door open
is the one that will destroy me
faster than i ever could
oh i wish it was possible,
i truly do.

Silent as a wall
i hear you crying past 2am
silent as a wall
i keep on being your pillow
even when the one weeping
is me.

I trust your poetry
but it says i'm better than i could ever imagine
and all i can think about it
is that
you are
the biggest
liar
alive.

Destruction looks like a statue
and i'm here
staring at it
with the eyes of a child
when they see a brand new toy
even when they own it already.

I deserve the ****
but then i think i don't &
then the **** becomes worse &
now there's nothing you can do
to believe you didn't
deserve it.