i found myself at a loss of words.
i held my arms up in defeat when i couldn't find the words to the simplest question,
"how are you?"
because i don't know nor do i want to.
everything seems neutral, like it should be
and it's never been like this.
god, i couldn't stop talking in future tense or in third person.
i've been trying to get better at reading lips but nothing seems to work,
the words you speak don't even go over my head or in one ear and out the other.
from your mouth,
the words on the way to me get diced and grated to the point where my brows are furrowing and eventually
my face getting red asking if you could repeat that
again.

You go from tired
To dying

You go from not wanting to eat
To not being able to

You go from not wanting to wake
To staying in bed all day

You go from skipping a shower every few days
To showering
Maybe once a month

You go from unmotivated
To incapable

You went from tired to dying
And no one noticed

I
Am going from tired to dying
And everyone around
Chooses to ignore
The look in my eyes
Or more so
The look that's not there

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.