It's hard to love a girl
When she can't even
Swallow the right
Kind of
Matches

my teacher
called my name in class
and i almost couldn't answer
i still see your eyes
in the books i haven't been reading
your voice echoes in my brain
when i look at the trees
i hear your smile
it's a million bells jingling
in the background
you are the answer
to all of my astrological questions
you put the ******* stars in the sky
i wish for you every night
and maybe you're gone for good
but i will always love you
i don't care if the stars fall
they're reminders that you existed once
i fell for your frizzy hair and how
it sticks straight up in the mornings
i fell for your rose petal lips
they cause sparks
when they touch me
you are the reason i am alive
without you i would feel nothing,
see nothing,
be nothing
you are the fire in my lungs
and **** it burns but
i've never loved pain so much
you gave me a home
i ran away
but the tears will lead you to me again
if it's right, oh baby,
you fill my veins with poison
and this sickness is the only disease i can love
you are the white light at the end of the tunnel
you are the rain in August
you are the leaves falling from the trees
and you are the only war i'll ever take part of
i fell in love with you
from your fingertips to your toes
and **** baby girl,
you make hell feel like home
and it's never been so bright down here
i like the bumps on your arms
and i love the smell of your perfume
you make me laugh during a funeral
at the way you whisper ***** jokes
to lighten my day
you lighten my day every day
your smile alone is the
reason i came home at all
i can't get enough
you have me
forever
babydoll

I wish you had died when i was eleven years old
When the paramedics took you away on that stretcher
And the foam was coming out of your mouth and you were shaking
Pale and defeated

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When my grandmother told me that it was just your sickness
That you were going to be okay
Every lie that was spit to me
To avoid my heart from hearing the truth

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When the only you I knew
Was passed out on the bathroom floor
Clinging to this so called life

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When all I knew was nurturing myself
Trying to fill the void
Of a motherless child

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When I had no other version of you to miss
No other version of you to love
No other version of you cry for
No other version to need

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When death was still only an acquaintance to me
And not a close friend with whom I share my secrets
The pain in your eyes
The fear in my chest
All signs pointing away from you

I wish you had died when i was eleven years old
When I would have no words to speak at your funeral
Other than "told you so"
Other than "as if I needed ber"
Other than "goodbye"

I wish you had died when I was eleven years old
When losing my mother would still leave time
To become someone else
To break the cycle
To learn how to be without you
And to learn how to love a human more than a needle.

It came in waves, as it normally does.
It swallowed me whole, a monotonous storm of thinned wires and broken teeth.
I shattered them on beer bottles the night you left, I think, but I can’t remember.
It’s been a while.

I remember the day you bumped into me in the liquor aisle.
You were smiling, and you asked me how things were going.
I wanted to drop to my knees and plead for you to love me again,
But there was something holding me back and it made me wonder if you actually ever did.
You told me about what you were celebrating for, how she lights up your world more than any champagne ever could.
No, I haven’t been seeing anybody.
I've seen you a few times behind my eyelids.
I fall apart a little too much.

I found it tedious,
How we were drinking on separate occasions.
I was drinking to rid myself of you for the next 48 hours,
And you were drinking to fall in love with someone over again.
I wish she was me, but you’re probably happy and that’s all I need to worry about.
I care about your happiness a lot more than mine.

It ended in a quick and bitter farewell, and you left with a smile.
I watched you walk away once again and this time I didn't even try to stop you.
Instead I grabbed the sloppiest **** I could find and left.
Somehow your number ended up in my recent calls again.

It has been almost three years since you've left.
I still see your eyes in the sky.
Sometimes, I’ll meet your breath at street corners
And after all of this time, it still lingers.

When the sky meets the ocean,
the sun screams your name.
all you hear is the faint whisper of what used to be my voice against your chest.
at three in the morning, you woke up to the sound of me shattering your mother's vases.
you begged me to stay.
I broke a few plates and cut my throat on the gravel in my voice.
I slept with you the rest of the night anyway.
upon packing my bags I came across the letter you wrote me that compared my eyes to a storm.
i think i smudged the ink when i spilled jack daniel's all over your bed.
your t-shirt that goes just down to my thighs doesn't fit anymore. I wanted to give it back but it's still in the bottom of my suitcase.
when you dropped me off at my mother's house
she asked about you.
"how is she?"
I told her I didn't know who she was talking about.
we sat there and cried for a long time.
when my dad came home he saw me and smiled.
"I thought you'd never come home."
I just gritted my teeth and told him that home is long past gone.
I sleep in my bed alone, sometimes I sleep on the couch.
it's hell without you but red fire is better than blue.
last weekend you called me.
I thought I heard you say
"my arms are still open" but
it was probably just the ***** talking
my head spins without you
& it hurts to stand up.
I saw that post of you and her
she looks happy and Ive never
seen your eyes look so green.
I think she kissed you
but I dont think about it
when I saw you at the hospital
you looked at me funny.
"fancy meeting you here"
is such an ironic thing to say
while im lying in a cold bed;
****,
they're all cold without you.
I told you about the shower I took,
how it should've been my last but
they made me shower this morning.
you held my hand  
& it made me wonder
why I wasn't dead.
I guess the memories in
my blood didn't come out all the way.
my mom accidentally washed your t- shirt
& I didn't get mad
im glad you're gone
even if it looks like a hurricane
without you.
the story of abandonment gets longer every day
come home, I miss you

My mother asked me if I am seeing anyone today
I thought of you
And the happiness I feel for you
I thought of how your laugh sounds
And the music you make inside of me
I thought of how your eyes sparkle
And how you speak
I thought of how hearing from you
Makes my bones crumble
And my eyes crinkle at the corners
I thought of the conversations
And the secrets that we keep
I thought of the burning in my guts
And the desire to be caressed by your gentleness

I told her that I am not seeing anyone
Because although I am captivated
I know we will never be whole
You are one half beauty
And I am one half tragedy
And neither of us can explain it
So I smiled, “maybe someday,” I said

I thought of how it would feel to love you
And how it would feel to be loved
I thought of living with you
And staying when you are gone
I thought of home
And suddenly it was you

But we cannot be complete
Because your heart lies in another's hands
And I could never compare
With the markings she left on you
So I grit my teeth
And bite my lip
And try to find a place
Where happiness could someday be with you.