You might think that I'm happy
All of the time
But inside my smile
Is upside down
Otherwise, you wouldn't
Want me around
If all you ever saw
Was a continuous frown
I guess that's why
I'm always clowning around
Not wanting others to see
Me feeling down
It's the only way I can think
To keep you around
On the outside a smile
On the inside a frown

My heart grows Heavy
It beats its self to sleep
each and every night
Alone and in the dark
Afraid to even live
I hear a broken heart
Beating in the dark
I hear a lonely voice
Telling me " you will die alone"
I toss and turn in bed
Feeling will this ever change
I hope to feel loved once a
in the shadows of my world
Feeling lost with out true love
Help me uncover my hidden heart

Have you ever liked someone so much you regret meeting them?

You think I romanticise suicide?
That I can find glory in death?

You're wrong.

I don't hope for romance, there is no romance in laying six feet deep.

Being defeated by your own mind holds no glory, there is no pride in suicide.

You say...
Get over it.
You can fight this.
It's only in your mind.

And you're right.

It's only im my mind so stop telling me how I feel.

So shut up.

I know it's weak.
Selfish... but it is my choice.
I know you think it's a choice to be happy.
If it was did you really think I would choose this?

sadness
pain
depression

Suicide

Trying to write a goodbye.
Wondering about the music for my funeral.

Suicide

I'm always scared but fighting.
I am weak but never giving up.
Never giving in.

I don't think this is fun.
This is suicide your talking about.
No romance.

Empty of joy and glory.
Suicide.
A way out.

I can't get no air.
Not enough.
My chest hurts.
Panic.
What's happening?

Slowly calming down again.
Oxygen.
Being able to move.
Finally.
That was strange.

In pain again.
The feeling of not getting enough air.
It happens a lot.
Random moments of pain.
And breathing diffeculties.

It is just stress.
I tell myself.
This makes me feel sick.
Most likely it is just stress.
Thank you stress for everything.

It makes me sad to see how fragile your happiness can be.
I wish I could see you smiling for ever.
Not because you are the most beautiful when you smile, you are still beautiful in your pain.
I just wish you never had to know pain.
I want you to be happy because you deserve it.

Have you ever not wanted to love someone, but not know how to do so.
Not loving someone would **** most, because to love someone and be loved means that you're truly living life.

What if I told you that  not everything can be loved.
I myself cannot be loved, loving me would be destruction to ones self.
I am a ticking time bomb, I am so difficult, driving anyone near me crazy trying to figure me out.

No-one knows what I am capable of. I myself do not know what I am capable of, scaring the anyone who just wants to love me. So Please, if you are to love me just know that though I may not say it with words, or even actions. That i do indeed love you, that somewhere along the line I was hurt. Know I am trying to let you in, that giving up on me   would only prove that I am unloveable.

I have never starred at a blank page and never not known what to write.
Its like the words  no longer express my feelings, feelings that are no longer short phrases or poems of emotions.

My feelings  are inexpressible they have become so complicating.
I have mentally blocked out what was my outlet " Writing". I was once able to let out my emotions on a page and leave them there, But now its like I write an emotion and gain twice as much back.

I have lost my battle  and my strength to continue to try. As I sit here writing I realize that this may not make sense to anyone else but me. If you are reading this I have never wanted to make sense to anyone, because these are my feelings . I am just writing how I feel