You gave me nothing
yet I gained **everything.

the walls are transparent, yet so thick.
Let. me .
free.

I am muted,
and subdued.
Let me be
unruly.

I was red,
green,
yellow,
purple,
gold,
now I am grey

Let. me.
shine.

Paralyzed by sadness,
lack of motivation coupled with an unquenchable thirst.
I am sad, yet happy
I am a walking paradox

why am I more afraid of losing you than I am of losing myself?

It's crazy. How everything can change and you barely notice it. Until you stop and think back at a time when things were different. You feel a pang in your chest as you realize those thoughts are nothing more than nostalgic memories now.
Thinking about the person I was, I realized I had digressed significantly. Sure, physically and superficially I’m doing as good as I ever have. I’m doing exactly what I had always wanted. But mentally, I had lost the kind hearted spirit I was. The patient and understanding person I was. It was like second nature. It was easy. I was nice, I was kind. Now I am finding I have to think twice and I still struggle just to be kind.
Some days I can barely remember her. That girl. I don’t know her anymore. It's as if I had induced a new girl, one that was hardly me to use as a decoy defence mechanism. I’m not sure when the decoy girl started to fuse with myself. I don’t know when, but it's almost like she has taken over, like an evil twin in utero, engulfing her very own blood for no other reason but to survive. Survival of the fittest? Was the old me not fit to survive in this world?  Apart of me believes so, and that part of me mourns deeply. I know she is not gone though, I know there are bits of her floating around.
I always hated her, I had wished so badly that she would stop being so emotional, so kind, so naïve. I had wished her dead and ironically, now I am frantically trying to find the slightest remnants of her to piece together to make some knock off version. I miss her. How long has it been? A year? Perhaps two? Had she been slowly dissolving away for longer and I had never noticed because I was too busy looking for ways to stop the pain? She was always so kind to everyone. Everyone but me. It seems she did not find me worthy of her grace and soulful advice.  I wish she had told me, this would be more painful. Losing her. Losing myself.

i don't sleep
but i dream.

He feeds me words so appetizing but he leaves me so feeble and starved

So soft
more soft
too soft
shouldn't be soft
but couldn't be anything more than soft
perhaps couldn't be anything less than soft
beneath soft
not as soft
couldn't be strong without being soft.

so be soft, as soft as a moon in cancer

I wrote my name in the sand and waited for your waves
to carry the sound of my name away
I did not realize I would be waiting an eternity,
Your supposed love in all its breivity
because your waves are weak, and your tides run low
and a love like mine, someone like you could never really know.
That you lack depth, and could never dive into the sea of my constellations,
That your soul reeked of rancid  soul ******* desperation.
That you could never love a love like me,
So let me write my own name in the sand,
and let me leave it there engraved in the earth
My name to keep.

I couldn't say we were nothing,
but just short of something.

Seen but have never been heard,
Heard but have never been listened to.
Loved but have never been in love,
Kissed but have never been touched.

Repeatedly she dies, all just in one life time;
it seems she dies religiously
she hopes each time, death would lead her to nirvana
but instead she wakes up
just to realize she is exhausted and still stuck, alive.

It was love; I got the impression
I'm in love but is it obsession

When the luminous parts of me shed light on the darkest parts of you; that scares you doesn't it?

Leave me with nothing;
nothing but nostalgia that'll hurt so good
it'll pinch my chest
and send whirl winds through my stomach
yet I'll love it,
just like I loved you.

I round on geriatric patients in the psych ward every morning.
Today my patient said something that rattled me to my core. She said,
"Don't ever pluck your eyebrows they're so thick and beautiful,
don't ever change yourself because they'll all tell you to,
I did it...." she trailed off. For a moment, I wondered if she was lucid.
I asked her what she meant, but she began rambling unintelligible words. I couldn't get much else out of her except what little wisdom her old tattered brain could muster up.

smog all over your head
you're hanging on just by a thread.
I'm worried about you. I worry about you,
but then you flash me a smile that tells me
your gleam of interest to live burns deeply,
and I've never met anyone so radiantly alive yet somber.
the most beautiful paradox I've ever laid eyes on

the way u say my name
i know its going to rain
cause when ever you say my name,
there is always impending rain

met you just to learn learn to let go
so that i could learn that not everything that glitters is gold.
met you so that i could learn that everything is not meant to last forever,
but instead, just long enough to teach you something
or to learn something about yourself.
met you, so that i could learn to say goodbye and make it mean something.
so i am glad, glad that i met you.

Fell slowly out of love with he
and gently into love with me

erode you away, like a pebble in the river
your edges become smooth to the touch
a sight for sore eyes, touch for sore hands

I know the world might make you hate yourself
but please stay as soft as you are,
be soft for me.

I mourn for your lips

So much that I feel aches that send speckles of darkness sinking into the pit of my stomach
and your smile alludes the impression that you are satisfied by this
and I discern the notion  of my lips having been touched but never really kissed

yet still, I mourn for your lips

lips that I have kissed, that never kissed me.

We diffuse ink into our bodies with needles, withstanding the pain, waiting patiently through the healing process of aching, scabbing and itching. We anticipate it, and marvel at its beauty upon healing. We call this an expression; body art. Then why don’t we treat scars and aches the same? Why should we hide those away as if it were something to be ashamed of? Let me stand beaming, strong and proud of my scars

I must be losing my mind
I thought I left you behind

i hear you in my head
but i do not see you
are you in my head?
or is there no real you

planting my blooming thoughts of you,
as deep as I hope you will root in me,
seeds I hope you will put in me,
for the flowers I will grow for you.

I can't have you in this life time
so I shall bound you with a spell
and find you in the next

love & anxiety;
they might as well be synonymous .

my emotions do not rule me,
they are simply just  a part of me.

timing is truly as fickle as they say
you can't turn back the clock
you can't take back what you forgot to do,
or take back what you did do.
.
.
often when you're ready, the opportunity has passed,
and the window has closed
and the time that was so fickle, is no longer in your favour.

In this moment I  have all your love, and I know it may be fleeting
Nonetheless, I shall bask and bathe, till the days preceding

Was it really heart break?
Or was it just deeply rooted trauma that he had plucked from within me and laid out to whither?

my coffee grows cold
as did my love

I have been hurting her by forcing her to love in moderation
and accepting love in moderation

Many times I am the best version of myself when
I am just me,
Alone.
I'm not sure what this says about me,
but I do know I am cursed with a lifetime of loneliness

Comfortable silence .

So much to say,
No way to say it.

What do you do, when all is right
yet all is wrong

disappeared
i pray you never reappear