6d usagi
E McNamara
There is only one letter
from feeling lovely-
and lonely.
I have a very close friend who has this. She talks about it to me and it sounds like hell. You all are so strong. I love you all. Be gentle with yourselves.

To people with friends with BPD. Tell them you love them. Be patient, understanding. They are NEVER overreacting.
usagi 6d
She dies repeatedly, in just one life time;
She dies religiously
she hopes each time, death would lead her to nirvana
but instead she wakes up
just to realize she is exhausted and still stuck, alive.
  Jul 6 usagi
She’s a thousand lightening bolts to me
Catastrophic and bright and she makes everything sting
She makes everything sing
She makes everything sound good

She’s a light pink dress to me
Bold and skin-tight and she makes it seem easy
She makes it seem rudimentary
She makes it seem almost arbitrary

She moves mountains
With soft, moonlit smiles
She wrecks havoc on earth
By parting her hair one inch to the right

She’s a home to me
An island and a cage and she makes me feel safe
She makes me feel anchored
She makes me feel formidable with her faith in me

She’s not taller than me
She’s not faster than me
But when she moves,
I can barely breathe
usagi Jul 6
He wanted so much for me to need him
He did everything in his power so that I would
I did not need him though
somewhere along the way I had been accustomed to him,
I slipped
I began to need him
But he was no longer there
And that’s just the way it goes.
I did not need him though
And I still don’t need him
And I hope, I will never need him
usagi Jul 5
love & anxiety;
they might as well be synonymous .
usagi Jul 3
Everything can change and you barely notice it. Until you stop and think back at a time when things were different, and feel a pang in your chest as you realize those thoughts are nothing more than nostalgic memories now. Thinking about the person I was, I realized I had digressed significantly. Sure, physically and superficially I’m doing as good as I ever have. I’m doing exactly what I had always wanted. But mentally, I had lost the kind hearted spirit I was. The patient and understanding person I was. It came naturally. It was easy. I was nice, I was kind. Now I am finding I have to think twice and still struggle to be that way.

Some days I can barely remember her. That girl. I don’t know her anymore. Its as if I had induced a new girl, one that was hardly me to use as a decoy defense mechanism. I’m not sure when the decoy girl started to fuse with myself. I don’t know when, but its almost like she has taken over, like an evil twin in utero, engulfing her very own blood for no other reason but to survive. Survival of the fittest? Was I not fit to survive in our world? Could I not thrive with that demeanour? Apart of me believes not, and that part of me mourns deeply.

I know she is not gone though, I know there are bits of her floating around. I always hated her, I had wished so badly that she would stop being so emotional, so kind, so naïve. I had wished her dead and ironically, now I am frantically trying to find any remnants of her to piece together to make some knock off version of her. I miss her. How long has it been? A year? Perhaps two? Had she been slowly dissolving away for longer and I had never noticed because I was too busy looking for ways to stop the pain? She was always so kind to everyone. Everyone but me. It seems she did not find me worthy of her grace and soulful advice.  I wish she had told me, this would be more painful. Losing her. Losing myself.
usagi Jun 3
i hear you in my head
but i do not see you
are you in my head?
or is there no real you
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