Everything can change and you barely notice it. Until you stop and think back at a time when things were different, and feel a pang in your chest as you realize those thoughts are nothing more than nostalgic memories now. Thinking about the person I was, I realized I had digressed significantly. Sure, physically and superficially I’m doing as good as I ever have. I’m doing exactly what I had always wanted. But mentally, I had lost the kind hearted spirit I was. The patient and understanding person I was. It came naturally. It was easy. I was nice, I was kind. Now I am finding I have to think twice and still struggle to be that way.
Some days I can barely remember her. That girl. I don’t know her anymore. Its as if I had induced a new girl, one that was hardly me to use as a decoy defense mechanism. I’m not sure when the decoy girl started to fuse with myself. I don’t know when, but its almost like she has taken over, like an evil twin in utero, engulfing her very own blood for no other reason but to survive. Survival of the fittest? Was I not fit to survive in our world? Could I not thrive with that demeanour? Apart of me believes not, and that part of me mourns deeply.
I know she is not gone though, I know there are bits of her floating around. I always hated her, I had wished so badly that she would stop being so emotional, so kind, so naïve. I had wished her dead and ironically, now I am frantically trying to find any remnants of her to piece together to make some knock off version of her. I miss her. How long has it been? A year? Perhaps two? Had she been slowly dissolving away for longer and I had never noticed because I was too busy looking for ways to stop the pain? She was always so kind to everyone. Everyone but me. It seems she did not find me worthy of her grace and soulful advice. I wish she had told me, this would be more painful. Losing her. Losing myself.