Rain douses the melting snow - spring’s coming around
The air’s filled with sodded trees - crisp breezes run wild
Oh how lovely the warmth is - oh how delightful
New flowers sprout beneath us - waiting to be freed

I realized today
that the world never stopped moving
and now understand I truly am living
and I have been growing old
while pretending I don't even
exist.

today my father walked on over
calm as can be
while I busied up with the dishes
distracted by my thoughts

I didn't notice at first
what he was here for or what he was doing

so I felt cheated when I watched as he
pick up the elf on the shelf,
without me being granted time
to mentally prepare

he grabbed it by it's little arm,
his fingers touching it's magical flesh  
ever so casually, ever so calm.
as he rendered it's magic nonexistent.


I was always taught not to meddle
that it was almost a sin
to fiddle with an elf
and to ruin it's purity and ability


and obviously I knew the truth,
I open my mind years back.
I've known since the fifth grade,
when the kids there called me names
for believing in magic.

For being  
so
s t u p i d.

that's when I learned that age ruins all things good
and that imagination made you foolish.

but still,
****.
I guess my childhood really is dead now
and he knows it too.

ive had enough
i lost my treasure
my shoulders crack
under boundless pressure

i lasted much longer
than i had expected
so there you go, world
take my life, defected

ive had enough
im far too tired
tonight's the end
of this endless pressure

one last scream
before i drown
i hope to god i might be
found, before its too late



one last breath
before air runs out
i wont hold it in,
instead I'll shout



one way or another
im finally
done

am I invisible?
am I vermin?
am I that gross?
am I truly such a burden?

I'm trying my hardest
to disappear, within my mind
because I know none of you
really want me here
I know it's true

can you see me?
do you hate me now?
are you disgusted by me?
does my presence now feel wrong?

I've stopped talking, afraid
I hold my tongue, I fade away
I don't belong, you know it too
you don't want me here
I know it's true

why do you ignore me?
how are you just done?
what did I do wrong?
why do you hate me now?

"I want to give up"
all I can think now is
to just let go
oh it sounds so nice
but
I know that I cannot stop
"keep going"
is what I told myself
"I must keep going"
I changed
sometime along the way
my mind shifted,
stopped
I
saw the world as it truly was
to learn how to manage, I
wanted to live

whispers whispers
through the hall
who's the most broken
of them all..?

the people who are known
for things they've done
or those without a voice
who think they don't deserve one

liars liars
through the hall
who's the fakest
of them all..?

the girls with crosses
but snakes for tongues
or the "naughty" kids
who grew up too young

judgers judgers
through the hall
who's the loneliest
of them all..?

the ones who laugh
at what is real
or the real one's left
with wounds to heal

whispers whispers
through the hall
our own cruel habits
will be our down fall

My world is ablaze
The sky is on fire
I scream for you now,
Please help me, it’s dire
Yet your answer is clear
With no other way
The ending is near
And I know what you’ll say
“Relax, my dear daughter,
for it’s only a phase”

It's always the same thing:

“Hold on”

To what?

“Distract yourself”

For how long?

“Keep going”

But why?

“It’ll get better”

When?

“People love you”

Yeah, but who exactly?

“You’re not alone”

Yes I am. Yes I freaking am. You don’t understand. I am alone, that’s the problem. Because when I go home and sit down in my room, I have nothing. Yes, we say "hi" when we see each other in the halls, but where are you when my phone goes silent? Where are any of you when I’m begging and pleading for help. Where were you? Not there. No, I had to help myself. Pull myself out of the dark hole I’ve been living in for years. I have to save myself time after time. By myself. Alone.

And maybe I’ve started pushing people away, but don’t you dare put this on me. Maybe I pulled away from everyone, but lets be honest, were you ever really there?

No, you weren't

I only pulled away after realizing I was already on my own, that I was just lying to myself. And honestly I'd rather be by myself, by myself, than surrounded by people who aren't even there.

I used to thrive,
To laugh and love.
I’d wake up early,
With morning doves.

Everything matter, yet nothing ever did
I’d mess up, then laugh about it
Around you, all my worries hid
I was blissfully well-off

Now I survive
I smile and nod
Sleep as the sun rises
And wake feeling odd,

Nothing matters, yet everything now does
I mess up, then shut down
Without you, my worries always buzz
I’m consciously deprived

I no longer strive
My eyes now fixed low
Please world, forget me
Just let me go.

i think i fall for blue eyes
gullibly to them alone
stripped clean from my disguise
a weakness i cannot atone

eyes like rain and morning blues
like ocean tides and stormy skies
i think i fall
for blue stained lies

there's something so appealing
about just

drowning


because if i were to drown for you
with you
i like i'd finally
live