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FOD Aug 2019
I walked with heavy feet towards a river that runs deep
And I put stones in my pockets to keep me weighted on the floor.
I felt the red creep in and settle into every bone within my frame,
And I felt death's grip get colder as I approached the haunted shore.
I put one foot into the river and felt the water running cold,
And I clenched both my fists tightly as I prepared for my next step.
I thought about my lungs, how they will desperately gasp for air,
And then I took a deep breath in and I let the water take my life.

And it was cold,
And it was dark,
And It was heavy on my chest,
And I was scared,
And I was wrong,
And I was too late to live on.

I felt the fire in my lungs, the burning embers of my mistake,
And I knew that within in moments, I would have to cave in.
I shut my eyes and said a prayer, words to a god I never knew,
And at last I opened my mouth, gasped for air, and sealed my fate
I tasted the salty pallet of death as the river filled my lungs
And I felt a pain like no other as I lived my final moments
I wondered what I would be remembered for, if for anything at all,
And then I felt your hand grasp me, and pull me to the shore.

And it was life,
And it was beautiful,
And it was you who pulled me up
And I was safe
And I was breathing
And I was wrong to have jumped in.

And there will be days where this river will taunt me in my sleep.
When deaths lips will persuade me into a "beautiful" mistake.
And I will fight, and I will live, And I will never let it go.
I have emptied both my pockets, I have learned to stay afloat.
And I am troubled, And I am fabled, And I am easily convinced,
But I get a certain confidence when I see you on my side.

In the past I have struggled with depression and dark thoughts in the past, it is torturous and it is painful and it seems to never leave, but I was strong and so are you, and no one in this world is ever alone. never quit on a bad day, and remember to try to smile. I love you.
Aug 2019 · 139
Little big boxes
FOD Aug 2019
Your happy box is bigger than most.
It’s true.
The little box that lies in your heart and holds your smiles and laughs is bigger than most.
Your happy box is decorated.
With flowers and sunshine and little hearts.
And there is no lock,
because it is open to the world.
My happy box was normal sized.
But my sad box was larger.
And I kept it locked.
Only you had it’s key.
You would open up my joy, and fill me with memories.
And then it grew.
With every hug it got larger.
With every kiss it grew more colorful.
And now my happy box is bigger than my sad box.
But my love box is bigger than both.
i love you
Aug 2019 · 92
bad animation
FOD Aug 2019
A night only lit by a tv screen
and movies we didn’t watch.
A kiss shared in confidence,
and my fingertips on your neck.
An exhale of pleasure, followed by a smile,
and butterflies in my stummy, as your hands run through my hair.
A night that scared me in the most beautiful way,
And a girl to share it with makes me feel so alive.
Jul 2019 · 141
Is this even poetry?
FOD Jul 2019
I'm in love with Bella Caglar.
Jul 2019 · 137
I wanna be yours.
FOD Jul 2019
Tonight was perfect.
Arctic monkeys in the background.
Us together on the ground.
Smiling uncontrollably.

You, my dear, are perfect.
You make me feel loved.
You make me love to love.
You make me feel okay to feel good.

Thank you for everything.
Jul 2019 · 117
FOD Jul 2019
I'm sitting by a phone at 7:30 in the morning, but I know you won't call until 1:00
I don't know why I wait here every morning, because the outcome is always the same.
I think I just miss you.
I think I get scared.
Because sometimes I think you don't miss me at all.
Jul 2019 · 17
rant here
FOD Jul 2019
I feel like you don’t miss me.
I feel like you have more fun with others.
I hate the way I feel.
Jul 2019 · 156
blood and smoke
FOD Jul 2019
I’m gonna do it on thursday.
Jul 2019 · 148
August 1st
FOD Jul 2019
I can’t do this.
I’m not ready.
Everyone hates me.
I hate me.
I’m sick.
I’m lost.
My knuckles hurt.
My walls are broken.
My skin is open.
My problems are still there.
I can’t do this.
I’m not ready.

But I can try.
FOD Jul 2019
I ****** up.
To be fair, you did the same thing.
But i did it knowing the consequences.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry your love is a *******.
I’m sorry I can’t make good decisions.
I’m sorry for robbing you of my your summer.
I’m sorry for not thinking ahead.
I love you.
i really just wanted to spend more time with you.
Jul 2019 · 101
A million little things
FOD Jul 2019
A million little things are adding up on top of each other.
And they pick at my thoughts like bugs crawling under my skin.
A million little things have me writing letters to myself.
Asking why your distancing yourself, then saying i don’t blame you.
A million little things are making me seem so ******* clingy.
I don’t ever want to loose you, and i’m sorry if i’m too much.
A million little things are making me sound really stupid.
I just look into things too much, I know that you love me.
i know you love me. i made the mistake of taking a million little things to heart. i’m sorry for bugging you with my stupidity. i’m sorry for complimenting you too much. i’m sorry for sounding clingy. I just love you so much.
Jul 2019 · 97
FOD Jul 2019
I think I'm afraid to see you.
I don't want to **** up our reunion.
In my mind it's perfect.
In my mind I'm not sad.
I would run up and hug you,
And everything would be fine.
But I'm feeling so ******* depressed.
I dont want to make you sad.
Jul 2019 · 1.1k
This probably isn't true but
FOD Jul 2019
I feel like you like me less every day, as I like you more.
I love you
FOD Jul 2019
It's the feeling that you don't miss me that chips away at my heart. Like you have to pretend to like me and you try to keep your distance. The worst part is I know it's not true. But I still feel like it is. I think that late nights and distance has fueled too many pointless arguments. I think we would be fine if I could hug you. I hope you never do what you did last night. I hope we can forget about our fights. The truth is I was worried. Because you never text first. And when you do it's never a compliment. And I know it sounds stupid. And I know it is stupid. And I understand now that nothing has to change. I felt clingy because im always praising you. I cried the night before because I couldn't call you. Is that clingy? I miss you too much. I burned the song. I cried again. I'm sorry. I feel like all of this writing is insignificant. Just know that I love you. And we will be fine.
Jul 2019 · 122
You didn’t say it back
FOD Jul 2019
I get it. I’m bland. I don’t deserve compliments. So long as you like having a mediocre boyfriend i’m okay with that. Just answer my questions when i’m trying to get better. And It leaves a big hole when you don’t say it back.
Jul 2019 · 108
Don’t hang up
FOD Jul 2019
I just wanted to call because your miles away, but my ******* mistakes made you put down the phone. I just wanted to hear you because I miss you like hell, but i’m starting to think you don’t feel the same way.
Jun 2019 · 128
The royal waltz
FOD Jun 2019
Let the pitter patter of rain applaud our summer slow dances as I run my fingers through your frizzy Halo hair.

And you, the queen of all things good, bring joy to the stars with your infinite kindness and your unmatched beauty.

And I, the king of confidence, could not have taken the throne if not for the flower crown you placed upon my head.

So let the water we dance by reflect the stars we have painted, and dance only together, and dance only forever.
Jun 2019 · 524
I miss you
FOD Jun 2019
I'm on the 11th floor
Staring out of windows
Because it's better than staring at walls.
And I'm listening to your songs
So I can miss you more clearly
Because missing you is better than missing out.
You're a summer stranger that I know so well, and I want to lay next to you so you can play with my hair.

Missing you tastes like bitter Boston coffee.
Jun 2019 · 134
FOD Jun 2019
I hate feeling lonely.
FOD Jun 2019
I just want to cuddle with you as I watch you look at the stars. And your eyes will fill with wonder as you look up at the sky. But still the nights beauty can only come second best, because the prettiest girl in the universe rests her head on my chest.
I want to wrap my arms around you as we awe at shooting stars. And we make the same wish, unspoken but still ours. I want to lay in a grass bed and give you the universe and my heart, I want to read you all of my poems because you inspire all my art.

Stars and rockets and a grassy bed are what your smile leaves me thinking in my dreaming head.
FOD Jun 2019
I know how deep these roots can grow, and I know I can never change them. But next time when you're feeling down, remember that I wrote you this poem.
I call you pretty every day because I want you to know the truth.
These plastic models on Instagram have nothing on your beauty.
You're belly button is adorable, that's why I poke it so much. I'll stop if it makes you insecure, but know that I do it out of love.
Your body sets the standards for me, and nothing will ever compare. A girl that fits perfectly in my arms is a girl who outshines the world.
You unintentionally exaggerate thought because the world has sent you fear. But the only thing anyone thinks when you walk into a room is how beautiful you are.
You are so ******* stunning, and I love you to death. I know this won't change how you think but at least you know how I feel.
Jun 2019 · 186
FOD Jun 2019
I’ll get my *** kicked by someone better than me just to keep you from having to deal with creeps.
Jun 2019 · 77
There, there
FOD Jun 2019
I don’t know when this started.
I don’t know when this will end
I think it was somewhere between the Christmas lights and the letters.
But I’m afraid of my family.
As I should be.
As I should be?
I’m not sure anymore.
Maybe I’m just better off writing songs for people who care.
FOD Jun 2019
You, darling, mean the world to me.
Your comforting touch sends my fears away.
Your loving smile makes the world feel brighter.
Your stunning eyes make me feel so ******* lucky to be loved by you.
You are a Taylor Swift concert in the backseat of a car,
and you have a childish fun that I need in this grown up life.
I love you is an understatement for how I feel for you,
but sometimes saying “I love you” is the best that I can do.
Jun 2019 · 75
If only (response)
FOD Jun 2019
If only you could feel how I felt.
There wouldn’t be any confusion.
If only you could feel how I felt.
Your writings would sound a lot different.
Jun 2019 · 66
Do you ever want my help?
FOD Jun 2019
When the world was split in two I dug my nails into the earth and pulled the continents together so we wouldn’t drift apart.
When the sky was crashing down I put my palms against the clouds and I pushed up with all my strength just to win over your heart.
When the sun faded out and we were left in the dark I set my poems and writings on fire just to keep you from the cold.
When the thunder woke you up and the lightning burned the forest I played you all of my songs to protect you and gave you safety to uphold.
When the world was quickly ending I tried my best to keep you safe, but you never seemed to want me. You pushed my help away.
Jun 2019 · 111
Depreciation Nation
FOD Jun 2019
I hate watching myself slowly **** up all of the good things I have in life and not being able to stop it.
FOD Jun 2019
You step onto a platform that you know only I can see,
and you speak your words saying you’re a tease,
and when I ask why you say such words, you don’t reply, as if they were unheard.
Do you not trust me, did I **** up?
I wish I wasn’t left thinking I’m dumb.
I never said those words, but someone did.
And you won’t tell me. I feel like ****.
Jun 2019 · 233
You mean the world to me
FOD Jun 2019
I close my eyes
and rest my head
and hide inside your touch

And all my pains
and stupid fears
get lost inside your love

I hold your hand
and see your smile
and everything is okay

From stupid jokes
to loving hugs
my sadness is miles away.
vampire babyyyy blehhhhh
Jun 2019 · 75
Cursed Conversations
FOD Jun 2019
It was late and it was doomed from the start. I don’t know what to call it but I didn’t like it. I was mad at the world and I put the burden on you. I just want you to hold me when I’m feeling blue.
not your fault. i love you
FOD Jun 2019
She has coffee eyes
And the summer night sky
Is blessed when she looks upon it
And the stars in space
Mirror the freckles on her face
As I sing her a song or a sonnet
Her words dance
And they put me in a trance
While she makes me smile forever
She rests in my arms
And I keep her safe from harm
As I hold the universe together.
She is so sweet in summer and I love her so much. The night sky is breathtaking, but it still only comes in second. Her smile puts all of my fears to rest, and I can never seem to thank her enough. So if you are reading this, this is for you. “I love you” never seems to completely describe how I feel about you so I tried to put it into a poem. You deserve every star in the universe and I wish I could give them to you, but for now you have to settle with this poem. This is all yours. My gift to you for being so lovely.
FOD Jun 2019
There are scars that I wear that are close to my smile, and the claws that gave them to me are close to your heart, and they have scratched you and torn you and left you for dead but you crawl back for more because she is still your friend. And I respect you for it. It makes me proud. I’ve written poem upon poem of how I wanted to fix the beast that gave me my scars, but I could never find it in my heart to go back for more blood. But you are kind. You love all. I get so ******* jealous of your happiness and I feel like something is wrong. Like I’m the burden, like I’m the mess. And we share the same friends but they like you more, and I’m just a tag along who is there for show, and if the unspeakable happens, and I’m left alone I don’t think that I will find any way to cope. I’m so ******* afraid of so many ******* things, but I’m too much of a coward to even tell you all of my fears. I don’t want you thinking that I’m ****** up in the head. I don’t want you thinking that I’m crazy. I’m not. I don’t hear voices in my head at all. I rarely hear the voices of my friends at all. And I don’t want to put pressure on you. I hope that you know that. I’m just over reacting to my little thoughts. I’m so ******* jealous of the smile you wear, but there isn’t a face I know that could wear it better.
i think i’m okay
FOD Jun 2019
I think part of problem is that I idolize my friends, so it hurts like hell when they leave me again.
Jun 2019 · 225
The rain sings bella
FOD Jun 2019
She held my hand tight as she danced with me in the rain,
And I realized that I never wanted to let go.
She smiled at me lovingly as she made my heart burst,
And I listened to the rain sing bella.
she is perfect
FOD Jun 2019
Concerts crescendo into breakdowns and my friends could care less.
I want to spend summer with them but the feeling isn't the same.
Hallways spread lies as fake smiles are passed,
But summer shows candor as I cry alone.
i know that you are here for me though.
Jun 2019 · 71
FOD Jun 2019
You’re like a candle in the rain when I miss you.
I know I’m heavy and I’m broken but I still need your help.
You’re like a coffee shop day dream when I’m with you.
You know I’m trying really hard and you see footsteps behind me.
FOD Jun 2019
I’m shoving money down the throats of my friends just to keep them on a leash
And I’m actually afraid of going broke because I don’t want to lose my leverage.
I know that’s ******.
But I love them so much.
And they don’t have to care about me,
but I want them around.
Jun 2019 · 51
Heart burn
FOD Jun 2019
Why the **** can’t I be normal
Why the **** can’t I have fun

I feel so ******* isolated when I’m surrounded by my friends.
And I think it’s because my friends show the truth.
They would rather cause drama than talk to me at all.
They would never even be near me if I didn’t buy them concert tickets.

I’m finding comfort in loneliness because there’s no one left to turn away from me.
Jun 2019 · 212
I dream of you anyways
FOD Jun 2019
If I could,
I’d stay up forever
Just to make you smile.
i love you
FOD Jun 2019
I want to rip my flesh open and watch my blood spill.
I want to punch his face in until my stomach goes ill.
I want to be able to cry in your arms and tell you what’s wrong.
I want to feel the comfort that I used to feel. The comfort that is gone.
I don’t know why I can’t say the **** that’s going through my head.
My bed feels like a coffin and I feel like the words unsaid.
I think you’re beginning to hate me because i’m always so sad.
But I swear to god i’m trying to fix myself, just please don’t be mad.

Im trying so hard, dear, just try to bear with me
I promise to make it, I just might need you with me
FOD Jun 2019
I wish that life was as easy as sipping a raspberry coke,
I wish I could waltz with you in summer.
But weeds trap feet,
And the band starts to freeze,
And your hand starts to slip from mine.
And the coke is a poison,
And the song has a dissonance,
And I'm left lying in bed alone.

I wish life was as easy as sipping raspberry coke,
I wish I could waltz with you in summer.
But something about a sweetness in 3/4 time,
makes me think you're too good to be true.
i love you, but sometimes i think that you are a dream.
Jun 2019 · 63
I do it for you.
FOD Jun 2019
Is it that I scare you?
Is my judgment too sharp?
I know It sounds stupid to be upset about,
but this is the second time it has happened.
The second time that someone I love has been in fear of my judgment.
I do my best to tell you how much you mean to me.
I to my best to create a safe space for you to come and hide in.
But no.
It’s fine.
I’m over reacting.
I can learn to cope with the fact that I scare the ones I love.
I just wish I could hear a loved one sing once.
i don’t know why this got to me
Jun 2019 · 65
New moon sucks ass
FOD Jun 2019
I want to hold you closer than the ink on my skin and tell you stories that make you smile and light up.
I want to watch ****** movies with you so I can hold your hand and kiss your soft freckled cheeks.
I want to sing you my songs and trace the invisible lines that run up and down your legs.
I want to love you as you love me, and call you my friend, because this world is too dangerous alone.

I want your smile,
I want your love,
I want your comfort,
I want you.
Jun 2019 · 76
It’s fine.
FOD Jun 2019
I don’t understand how someone can beat the **** out of you and then you can keep crawling back.
i don’t understand you at all
Jun 2019 · 146
Nothing at goodwill.
FOD Jun 2019
I am sixteen going on lonely, and I hide secrets  between the lips of my friends.
I drink coffee to feel grown up but I hate the bitter taste.
Im afraid of ghosts and memories, but not the kinds you see in movies.
I don’t know how to feel about you leaving, but I know it’s for the best.
Jun 2019 · 5
FOD Jun 2019
I was looking for a cat in the parking lot of an O’Charlie’s and I suddenly realized that you’re the only thing keeping me sane right now.
FOD Jun 2019
I know you heard about my past, and I swear to god i’m different.
Unless you don’t want me to be.
Do you want me to be?
I won’t change for you.
I won’t bend for you.
But you can bend me.
And I’ll be flexible.
That’s not who I am.
I won’t change for you.
I changed for MYSELF.
Because changing for myself is what you want, right?
May 2019 · 122
Fifty shades of fine
FOD May 2019
Just keep your feet on the ground, I’m getting tongue tied.
I keep forgetting to tell you what I wrote down.
So hold my shaking hands because I’m tired, love.
So keep my thoughts in check, because I’m getting worse.

My friends keep telling me it’s my fault.
My faults just keep on adding up.
I’m sick of ******* up.
I’m sick of ******* up.

So please back the *******, Im tired of your complaints.
I’ll paint my walls a different shade of black just to shut you out.
I’ll blame my mess on you and then pretend I’m ****** at you.
I’ll pin you down with my bad choices and then strangle you alive.

My friends keep telling me it’s my fault.
My faults just keep on adding up.
I don’t want to **** up.
I don’t want to **** up.

— The End —