I'm sitting by a phone at 7:30 in the morning, but I know you won't call until 1:00
I don't know why I wait here every morning, because the outcome is always the same.
I think I just miss you.
I think I get scared.
Because sometimes I think you don't miss me at all.

I felt alone all day to day.
I felt all alone when the sun went to sleep.
I felt all alone when nobody wanted to notice.
I feel all alone more than ever right now.

A million little things are adding up on top of each other.
And they pick at my thoughts like bugs crawling under my skin.
A million little things have me writing letters to myself.
Asking why your distancing yourself, then saying i don’t blame you.
A million little things are making me seem so ******* clingy.
I don’t ever want to loose you, and i’m sorry if i’m too much.
A million little things are making me sound really stupid.
I just look into things too much, I know that you love me.

Yeah,
I ****** up.
To be fair, you did the same thing.
But i did it knowing the consequences.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry your love is a *******.
I’m sorry I can’t make good decisions.
I’m sorry for robbing you of my your summer.
I’m sorry for not thinking ahead.
I love you.

I can’t do this.
I’m not ready.
Everyone hates me.
I hate me.
I’m sick.
I’m lost.
My knuckles hurt.
My walls are broken.
My skin is open.
My problems are still there.
I can’t do this.
I’m not ready.

But I can try.

A night only lit by a tv screen
and movies we didn’t watch.
A kiss shared in confidence,
and my fingertips on your neck.
An exhale of pleasure, followed by a smile,
and butterflies in my stummy, as your hands run through my hair.
A night that scared me in the most beautiful way,
And a girl to share it with makes me feel so alive.

I’m gonna do it on thursday.

It was late and it was doomed from the start. I don’t know what to call it but I didn’t like it. I was mad at the world and I put the burden on you. I just want you to hold me when I’m feeling blue.

I just wanted to call because your miles away, but my ******* mistakes made you put down the phone. I just wanted to hear you because I miss you like hell, but i’m starting to think you don’t feel the same way.

When the world was split in two I dug my nails into the earth and pulled the continents together so we wouldn’t drift apart.
When the sky was crashing down I put my palms against the clouds and I pushed up with all my strength just to win over your heart.
When the sun faded out and we were left in the dark I set my poems and writings on fire just to keep you from the cold.
When the thunder woke you up and the lightning burned the forest I played you all of my songs to protect you and gave you safety to uphold.
When the world was quickly ending I tried my best to keep you safe, but you never seemed to want me. You pushed my help away.

As soon as you hung up I started to cry.
I needed to talk to you but I could never keep you up.
so I sat in my room alone.
And I cried as the cold cut my skin.


And it felt normal.

And I deserved it.

Just keep your feet on the ground, I’m getting tongue tied.
I keep forgetting to tell you what I wrote down.
So hold my shaking hands because I’m tired, love.
So keep my thoughts in check, because I’m getting worse.

My friends keep telling me it’s my fault.
My faults just keep on adding up.
I’m sick of ******* up.
I’m sick of ******* up.

So please back the *******, Im tired of your complaints.
I’ll paint my walls a different shade of black just to shut you out.
I’ll blame my mess on you and then pretend I’m ****** at you.
I’ll pin you down with my bad choices and then strangle you alive.

My friends keep telling me it’s my fault.
My faults just keep on adding up.
I don’t want to **** up.
I don’t want to **** up.

Why the **** can’t I be normal
Why the **** can’t I have fun

I feel so ******* isolated when I’m surrounded by my friends.
And I think it’s because my friends show the truth.
They would rather cause drama than talk to me at all.
They would never even be near me if I didn’t buy them concert tickets.

I’m finding comfort in loneliness because there’s no one left to turn away from me.

We’re more than them,
at least  I thought.
I didn’t know you felt that way.
As if all I want is your touch.
Do you not know that you are so much more than that?
You’ve changed your name,
You’re writing fears,
You’re unsure of our bond.
If it makes you feel better, I really do think we have something that goes beyond kisses.
I really do think we are better than the fights.
I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way.

"please don't laugh at me when we talk."

"okay"

She laughed anyways.

"It makes me feel like you don't care"

"I'm sorry"

She laughed anyways

"I have told you this thousands of times"

"I know. I'll stop"

and she kept on laughing.

I think I'm afraid to see you.
I don't want to **** up our reunion.
In my mind it's perfect.
In my mind I'm not sad.
I would run up and hug you,
And everything would be fine.
But I'm feeling so ******* depressed.
I dont want to make you sad.

Is it that I scare you?
Is my judgment too sharp?
I know It sounds stupid to be upset about,
but this is the second time it has happened.
The second time that someone I love has been in fear of my judgment.
I do my best to tell you how much you mean to me.
I to my best to create a safe space for you to come and hide in.
But no.
It’s fine.
I’m over reacting.
I can learn to cope with the fact that I scare the ones I love.
I just wish I could hear a loved one sing once.

You say it’s to help me.
To keep me in check.
You haven’t seen the patterns Ive dug in.
My wall has kissed my fist millions of times, my door is slammed shut because of you.
You say it’s to help me.
To keep me in check.
I’m crying and shaking in bed alone.

I'm on the 11th floor
Staring out of windows
Because it's better than staring at walls.
And I'm listening to your songs
So I can miss you more clearly
Because missing you is better than missing out.
You're a summer stranger that I know so well, and I want to lay next to you so you can play with my hair.

Missing you tastes like bitter Boston coffee.

I'm in love with Bella Caglar.

Tonight was perfect.
Arctic monkeys in the background.
Us together on the ground.
Smiling uncontrollably.

You, my dear, are perfect.
You make me feel loved.
You make me love to love.
You make me feel okay to feel good.

Thank you for everything.

I know how deep these roots can grow, and I know I can never change them. But next time when you're feeling down, remember that I wrote you this poem.
I call you pretty every day because I want you to know the truth.
These plastic models on Instagram have nothing on your beauty.
You're belly button is adorable, that's why I poke it so much. I'll stop if it makes you insecure, but know that I do it out of love.
Your body sets the standards for me, and nothing will ever compare. A girl that fits perfectly in my arms is a girl who outshines the world.
You unintentionally exaggerate thought because the world has sent you fear. But the only thing anyone thinks when you walk into a room is how beautiful you are.
You are so ******* stunning, and I love you to death. I know this won't change how you think but at least you know how I feel.

There are scars that I wear that are close to my smile, and the claws that gave them to me are close to your heart, and they have scratched you and torn you and left you for dead but you crawl back for more because she is still your friend. And I respect you for it. It makes me proud. I’ve written poem upon poem of how I wanted to fix the beast that gave me my scars, but I could never find it in my heart to go back for more blood. But you are kind. You love all. I get so ******* jealous of your happiness and I feel like something is wrong. Like I’m the burden, like I’m the mess. And we share the same friends but they like you more, and I’m just a tag along who is there for show, and if the unspeakable happens, and I’m left alone I don’t think that I will find any way to cope. I’m so ******* afraid of so many ******* things, but I’m too much of a coward to even tell you all of my fears. I don’t want you thinking that I’m ****** up in the head. I don’t want you thinking that I’m crazy. I’m not. I don’t hear voices in my head at all. I rarely hear the voices of my friends at all. And I don’t want to put pressure on you. I hope that you know that. I’m just over reacting to my little thoughts. I’m so ******* jealous of the smile you wear, but there isn’t a face I know that could wear it better.

Your happy box is bigger than most.
What?
It’s true.
The little box that lies in your heart and holds your smiles and laughs is bigger than most.
Your happy box is decorated.
With flowers and sunshine and little hearts.
And there is no lock,
because it is open to the world.
My happy box was normal sized.
But my sad box was larger.
And I kept it locked.
Only you had it’s key.
You would open up my joy, and fill me with memories.
And then it grew.
With every hug it got larger.
With every kiss it grew more colorful.
And now my happy box is bigger than my sad box.
But my love box is bigger than both.