I never knew how it felt lacking words; Being unable to express; unable of movement; of communicating.
I never felt how it was being unable to understand, how it was to be misunderstood. The unwillingness to understand.
You looked at me as if I was invisible, if I was a blank page in a fantasy book.
If I was the rain after a happy summer day. If I was about to leave my body. Couldn’t you tell that I was losing? Losing from the battle with my thoughts? Couldn’t you see that my tears were screaming for help? That the hands in my hair were asking you to hold me. Asking you to understand me. To be with me.
I never knew how it felt to be this small. Sitting on the ground. Wanting to disappear. My voice thrills, my legs are shaking, my mouth is dry, and my feelings are the only thing I am able to swallow. I never felt so naked, naked with my clothes on. My walls and masks; my personalities and defense mechanism. Gone. There was me. Naked. Me. Sitting on the cold floor, facing myself. Crying. Calling. Asking to be understood. Asking For help. For answers. For somebody to save me. To save me from myself.
I never knew how it felt to lose.                                    

But I did lose

I did.

-AIL

can I drop school because I want to write?

I do not want you to be the reason I lose control of my feelings again

You made me lose control by turning me into art. An unexpected act directed by your fingers. Your lips and tongue moistened my ear lobe as the sound of your breath echoes through my body. My consciousness intrigued by the intractable language my body spoke. Faster as my legs start to shake. Faster. As my moaning gives direction. Your lips around my *******, my neck, my mouth. Our tongues wrestling if it was sorting issues out. Faster. As my breathing gives you confirmation. Faster. As my forehead is getting covered with damp. Faster as my body lets go, and welcomes you in the form of shaking legs and involuntary muscle contractions. Welcomes you in a horrified pure way. Into the world behind the walls and masks. I welcomed you and myself into a non existence world of vulnerability. And you wrapped your arms around me and kissed my forehead. Telling me that it is okay. And you smiled when I looked you in the eye. And pulled me even closer. It was all okay. Life, for a moment, was more than okay

Is it selfish to expect and want the same amount of love as you are giving?

Every night I lay in bed
I twist and turn
Trying to get a glimpse, a catch or a flash
From the moon, from the light
Asking for protection and safety
For my family and friends
To keep them strong and fulfil their dreams.
Asking to let them shine as much as she does.

Every day again
Every morning half awake
Every night when I can’t fall asleep

I’m longing for the light, for the bigger whole, for answers to my questions
For the moon, and for the stars
For your laugh and for your arms
For answers to where you are

And why you left

I’m seeking for the moon, for the light and for myself.
But hoping and longing
Searching while creating

A place for acceptance
Acceptance of unanswered questions and the feeling of guilt
Acceptance of not any longer, and a heart that aches.

It is my aching heart that tells me, to move, to whirl. It is my heart that doesn’t let me sleep. That doesnt let it go. Doesnt let you go. That longs for the light, for the glimpse and the catch.

It is my mind that wonders. That questions if it is the light that warms my heart. If it is the moon that makes it soft.

Or if they’re answers. A confirmation of affiliation. Of love. A sign of sharing. The moon and the stars. The sun and the earth.
Where life ends and begins.

Both observers of the universe.

Together.

I miss you so much

- AIL

Words do exist
And so do I
It is not nothing new
Or something special

It are just words
An order of words which creates new lines
New ideas

But it are my words
My process of creating new lines
Of pushing boundaries with the order
With the structure
It enables me to show
And express
Of opening eyes

It are just words
But these words
This lettertype and size
Can start a revolution
It makes me strong
It gives me a voice
It makes people wanna talk
While I'm talking
With these words

Let the war start
Let the discussion begin
Let we talk
Use words
To tell the world what we are feeling
Show emotions about what is going on
Inequality and power distance
Poverty and hunger
Let we talk about it
Let we write about it
Let we start a revolution
Of love
Sadness
and uncountable words

I wish I could forget your fingers grabbing the last peach in the bowl, but I found myself making it, my every days breakfast.

I wish I could say what is going through my head right now
It is too much, so much
so much love, and gratefulness
I wanna hug the world and make out
I wanna kiss every living creature
and tell it how beautiful it is
I wanna scream and express the feeling of love
The feeling of excitement
The feeling of passion
I wanna cry and catch my tears
I wanna feed the world and cherish it with tenderness

But I can't

My mouth is blocked
my lips are sealed
my head is full
but my heart is damaged
I am scared
I am so scared
I am afraid of what will happen
what will happen
when I return to myself
If I let go of “what if” and taught behaviour
If I let go of needs, wants, demands, of longing
of pleasing
I am frightened of what will happen
when adrenalin turns into action
when my impenetrable walls turn into open doors
when my passion turns into education
I am timorous of what will happen
when I return to myself
Allow myself
Express myself

The eagerness inside
The kid behind restrictions
the softness
the peace
the love
the panic
open and vulnerable
defenceless and exposed
but buoyant and counting

on the good and the love

of

humanity



- AIL