How long does it take?
To accept yourself.
To look in the mirror
And say...
It's okay
To be who you are
It's okay
To stop pretending
Like you're okay
Oh, K...
How long does it take?

I am alive
In harmony with nature
The trickle of rain drops
Bounce off the orange and yellow leaves.
To soak my feet
In the damp field of green blades.
To sink my back
In the silence of the soil.
Inhale and exhale
To the beat of dancing thunder.
Cleanse my body with your beautiful, mysterious tears
Mother Earth,
I am your body
Mother Earth,
You are my soul

I dont know if this job is right for me

"Stick it out for a few months, you will change your mind!"

There's so many other things that I want to do with my life that dont involve this.

"Youre making good money, keep at it, its a great career!"

I cant deal with this stress any longer

"You just started, it will get better in a few months"

My depression and panic attacks are at an all time high

"Have you been taking your medicine? I think youll feel better about this job if you keep taking your pills"

I dont want this. This is not what i signed up for. I need to stay true to myself. This cannot be my life.

"You already spent so much time getting your degree! You can do this FOREVER! I'm so proud of you, I brag to everyone I know!"

Are you even listening?
No...
No one is.

I cannot breathe

My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest

My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
About
My breathing.

Twidling fingers
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own

This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
About
Relaxing.

"Just breathe"
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"

My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
About
My anxiety.

Why did you do that 5 days after my 19th birthday?

As if waiting until i graduated college
Or walking me down the aisle
Or seeing your grandchildren
Would make the pain any less bareable...

And its the little things that play with my emotions

Like...

Knowing i can never text you again

-Or wait by my window to watch you drive up the driveway because you were the only thing I was looking forward to all week

-Or sitting at an old burger joint discussing the power of the mind when intertwined with spirituality

-Or seeing the look on your face when I chased you around our handmade baseball field in the backyard

Those are the things I would give my own life to get back.

But two suicides dont make a life.
(At least thats what my psychologists say)

But I know if I could see my father again,
I would be taking my life back

When you are afraid
It will masquerade
As smiles and nods
There is no escape

If fear is a lier
Yanking my thinnest wire
I am too trusting
Pouring gasoline on the fire

Now I'm shaking to the bone
My feet are made of stone
I'm surrounded by faces
Yet somehow I'm alone

Why cant you see my frustration
As I pluck out my eyes,
Outstrectch my arms
And cry,
"Please I cant live to see this anymore!"

You just shove them back into my sockets
Grasp the nape of my neck
And shove my face into that black hole of depression.
You scream,

"You are going to watch this happen to you
As we sigh in relief that it's not happening to us!"