I think I’m in love.
A dangerous longing one.
The one that holds me against my will
Leaves me begging by myself.
All alone ’til my sanity decides to rip.
One by one by one. All alone.
Were you really the one?
The one I’ve been waiting for
The one I’ve been drowning here for
Slipping under the waves of desperation
With a side ordered prescription of hope
Excuse me, allow me to make a correction,
A prescription of hopelessness.
Filled to the brim, overfilled with feelings
Mainly of distress.

Someone came to save me,
I’m not quite sure I remember
Where I’m supposed to be.
I turned them away, all is alright.
Everything is fine.
This is way things are,
The way they have always been.
I lie to myself.
The truth is far too explosive to let out.
My hopes are rising, dependent on you.
And you alone.
I suppose they always were.

The realization comes blowing in
Or maybe that’s just because
I left the window open
And in fact, it’s a gust of cold air
Still. I miss the thought
Of you and me,
Together, to be together.
How foolish was I to believe
To invest my being in your
Nonexistent living
I don’t want to wait any more.
I don’t want to be here behind this door.
Trapped.
In fear of my own shadow,
Sacrificing my life, and my nights
For your comfort, for your ego.
I refuse, once again. I refuse.  
Louder this time, echoing throughout the hall.
How are you supposed to get the best of me?
In what reality does that constitute
A fair ending for me.

I love you.
But do you even know?
Have you been paying attention...
I miss you
Maybe, not you specifically
But the idea of you
I’m craving for you, for your touch.
The way my body requires oxygen.
So does my mind with
Who I think you are to me.
Why is this reality so difficult
Perhaps this isn’t really love.
Perhaps it’s just another
One of my unhealthy obsessions.
I'm terrified of being alone,
Being by myself, that must be it.
Companionship seems to be
My only escape.
Perhaps, though I’m wrong
And it's worse than I realize
Worse than what I can see
With my own eyes.
And in fact,
Perhaps, I need you.

Lady I don’t know barges into my stall at the nightclub toilets
She looks at me with a grim smile that’s trying to split her face in two
Before I can stumble she grabs my arm, looks at me with eyes
Rolling and rioting inside their sockets and says
Don’t forget
With her nodding frantically I ask what I am forgetting
And she shakes me and points at the neon fluorescent humming on the ceiling
The sun she says she says the SUN we have forgotten it
I give her my palms and say lady I don’t know you
She is already laughing
It’s a laugh that sounds like the splintering of bones
Like dragging a sharp knife across a rotting ribcage
A laugh you know is a precursor to wild and empty weeping
The light flickers and I notice that it does look like the sun
A bit, from this angle, from where my head is pressed under the heavy weight
Of the whites of the lady’s eyes
Another stall door opens, whispering across the ground and taking her smoke-thin body with it
But all I see is the sun, flickering like the beating of wings and I want to touch it so bad that I am burning
Truly burning, ignited on the promise of remembrance
There is a name I have forgotten and I know I will hold it again if only my fingers could stretch to touch the light
The girl that exited the stall puts her arm on my shoulder to move me away from the sink
And I fall into wakefulness, coughing and spluttering ash all over my bed
I see I have left a single candle burning by accident
There are dead moths everywhere

I just don’t understand
how it can still hurt so badly.
How my heart can still be broken.
It’s like all the air leaves the room
All over again
I find myself alone
I don’t see how I can possibly
survive it.
It’s not all the time
Tomorrow I won’t feel like this.
But I know it won’t be the last time
I know I’ll sink down low again.
I wish I could rid my soul of him,
of ever loving him,
of ever being loved by him,
of ever knowing him.

stop
cheapening our love
with
old habits