i 've never said i want you
to admit i want you
means i could lose you

It is painful to love you
Your face
Your brightness
Your energy
Your sensitivity
Your playfulness
Your aliveness
Your curious questioning way of being in the world

I could never get inside you
Never felt you open to me fully
Never felt able to open to you fully
I so wanted to
In *** we could

I believe I am everything you could want

At the station
I thought you saw me
Thought we were playing hide and seek
Then I looked again
You were chatting and laughing with the coffee girl
I had your attention and then I didn't
Another had it instead
I felt worthless in that moment
Confused and young
Having to wait whilst you flirted
It wasn't ok for me
Unable to name my hurt
Unable to grasp what I felt in that moment
Ashamed and embarrassed
I said nothing
But inside it hurt
I don't quite understand why
But I recognize this place
It is a familiar feeling for me with you

When I email you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that emails
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

Who is the one that knows
The one underneath the one that controls
The soft animal
She
Where is she
How do I reach her
Has she been so over ridden that her instincts are frozen

Am I crazy or awakening?
Coming alive or loosing grip
Will I get what I want?
Truth, love, contentment, peace, eroticism
Eyes open
He wants fantasy to energise life
I want life to be energising
Life to be ******
I am showing up
I show up
Folllow folllow follow
The re enlivened desire to message
Not the same charge
Don't give your power away
See it all
Feel it all
Let go

I’m so hungry for you
To be driving fast
Along an open highway
Wind in our hair
Music blaring
Feeling so free
Together and alive
Pressure builds in my chest
I’m terrified
So much anger
Consuming me
Clouding my vision
What to do
Bear the tension
Burn clean

I don't want to be weak
Don't want to be unfair
Don't want to be confusing
To you or to me
I miss you
I want you in my life
Does it have to be this way
Is there a kinder more compassionate way
To stay open to eachother
To keep loving
To keep being there
Being brave enough to stay
And allow an unfolding
A deepening
To keep learning and growing
Relationships can take many forms
It doesn't have to be black and white
I don't believe it has to be all or nothing
I don't want that

I forgive my baby
She has done nothing wrong
She reaches out
She sends a silly emoji
It communicates nothing of the truth
Nothing of the depth she is really feeling
She doesn't express her true need
That lies behind the emoji
The true longing to communicate
To speak truth
Let it be what it is
Let go and let flow

When I message you
It's often my young excitable loving care free baby that messages
She wants to play
To connect
To be in your world
To have you in hers

There is a naivety in this
That comes at a price
It costs me emotionally

It's up to me to love and care for my baby
To learn to keep her safe
To notice when she hurts

You remain in my heart
That causes some confusion
Makes me wonder if I've said it all
If I've been vulnerable
If I've made clear the depth of what I feel

May I lay it down
May I trust in love
Trust in my self
Trust in the mystery
And may I release control

You are my teacher
This love is a teacher
A teacher in being with what I can't control
Learning to live with love, loss, regret, beauty, hope and faith
All of it
Becoming strong enough to hold it all

At times her crazy feels like a particular brand of crazy
Unique to her
Soul and ego battling it out
Ego bows to soul
Held in the complete embrace of the heart

There are things I cannot put into words
Things about myself
Feelings I feel

Why are some things so tricky for me
Seeing people
Being with people
Interactions with parents

A protective shield that stops me sharing this with people
A pride that says I can deal with it
You won't get it

Underneath a longing
To be truly known

What is in you is meant to be expressed
Needs to be expressed
For self and other
Undamn the ****
Let the words flow

It is time
To listen to my body
To not over ride her
She knows the way
And I am willing to be led

Boundaries not barriers baby
Protect but don’t shut out
You feel you have to close the door
But please don’t lock it

Help
To the girl with so much inside her
Hang on
Hang on child
That bigness
That desire
That longing
Give it space
Let it breathe

Desire, longing, intensity
What's beneath it?
I don't know

Catches my breath

What's he doing?
He is doing/ creating/building so much

I want to, I want to create my own thing

Scared my creativity is vanishing
It's not Sasha
You're ok, you're ok

Crawling in beside you
wrapping my body around yours
forehead to forehead
under the covers
feeling your breath
smelling your smell
lips reaching for each other
your tongue finds mine
tears of longing and elation stream down our cheeks
you pull me even closer
I surrender in your arms
my heart whispers
no more fight
let me stay here
I choose you
these eyes, this nose, this mouth, these arms, these hands
no other
let these be mine
let me be yours
give up the fight baby
stop keeping love at a distance
let the walls come down
let me love you home

I dare you to email me
I dare you to message and put yourself on the line
I dare you to take a ******* risk and send a message
I won't
Not this time

Bear the void
Let it teach you
Watch what arises
Watch the fear
Which is lack of trust
Allow something new to be born
Bear the void
Let go

Wishing I'd waited
Paused for a second
Stood still
Gave you a chance
I couldn't of known you'd come
But how I wish I'd waited
Breathe
I have a choice you point out
I don't feel like I do
I feel the longer I am here the more entwined with another I become
The further the distance between you and I
I'm scared you meet someone
I know you need to
It's only fair
I want you to have that
But I want it to be with me
I know you want that to
I have the choice you say
I wish I didn't
Reading your poems
How your past is a hurricane
How we lay together with our child playing bare foot under the moon
These images cut deep into me
I want to hear it all

So tender
The largeness of the feeling
Longing to express
To undamn
A well spring of love
Over flowing
Not meant to be contained
Life times of containing
Apologising for the ferocity of feeling
The tenderness that breaks
Cracking open
Surrendering control
Choosing to open instead of close
The pain of reaching out
Needing to be received
Let the reaching be enough
Let the longing bring you home
To feel, to love
It is everything
No apology
Love harder, love softer
Love always love

To be sat crossed legged face to face
Learning each other a fresh
Nose to nose
Looking into each others eyes
A playful loving freedom envelopes us
Deep trust commitment and devotion
Knowing that we never left each other and now we are home
The journey begins
Of waking up beside you each and every day
Of facing our shadows together
And laughing and loving through it all
Of living into the people we are destined to be
Freedom to play, grow and fall apart in each others arms
Freedom to explore each other’s mind body and spirit
Nothing held back
Heart and soul
Deep peace, deep feeling of belonging
Of here, here I belong, here I choose to lay my head

Everything's too noisy she whispered
Too much
Too overwhelming
Too much to do
To 'make it happen'
Can't I just be?
Is that enough?
The love that burns inside me
The desire to be of service to the world
To the people who need a little magic
A gentle injection of self belief and fierce loving empowerment
To be of service to those who need to have 'you are enough just as you are' whispered into their ears
I don't want to change you
You don't need to be anything other than just who you are

I'm with a new lover
One who loves me in a way my soul has longed for
He pulls me close
And their your face is
Swimming into my consciousness
I no longer try and push you away
Instead I let you be there
Hoping that by not pushing you out my mind
You will eventually stop appearing
When I'm alone I kiss your cheeks in my mind
Touching the white flowers I let the tears stream down my cheeks

To allow all the different parts a voice
To allow them all to speak
To fully express their truth
No judgement
No weight
Simply freedom to express
Once they are all heard
Then truth can emerge
The small deep voice underneath all the others

Shame is present
Over reaching
Leaving centre
Come back home
All is coming
Deep integrity
Births deep love
Deep truth
Deep healing
No more self abandonment
No more reaching
Let it approach
In its own time let it come

She said imagine yourself fully self expressed
See yourself on stage reading your poems
See yourself in that sweet vulnerable spot
Where you can feel the world
And the world can feel you
That excruciatingly painful beautiful spot where you are seen
Fully seen
She said take all that desire you feel and channel it into creating
Do the scary thing
And watch how your life opens up
Dream the future
Don't live in the past

Jelly fish sting in the day
Awakened in the night
Terror
I'm going to die
Guilt coursed through me
What if I die and he reads those messages
He would be heart broken
I couldn't live with that
That is no longer who I am
Truth, Love, Liberation
Is what I stand for
What I embody
It was a gift showing me where I was out of alignment
In the light of day the mind rationalises
In the dead of night
The truth rang blaringly clear